Feeling minimised and my feelings not considered. Advice needed. Please be kind.

Basgetti

Annealise

I thought about maybe buying the pram , it hasn’t been mentioned yet and it wasn’t to alter their decision Lol. I was going to suggest it when they were planning to stay in London. It was something I hear Grandparents do as a big expense. No one would turn an expensive kind gesture down.

We did, 31 years ago. Terrible waste of money 🤷‍♀️

While I understand where Annealise is coming from, if/when her son & DIL move to Dubai then taking non-necessary items can raise the cost of international moving whether it's price for weight or volume.

I still regret shipping many items of furniture across the Atlantic that I could have sold/donated in the UK and did buy on this side of the Pond because I needed them while most of our possessions were in storage.

Agree with Diamond Lil, no doubt they won’t be going to Dubai. You haven't been treated very well and the Christmas cancellation must have hurt your feeling but try not to take it personally. It sounds as if they had big decisions to make. Make your own life and keep busy, expect nothing,
If you FaceTime, speak on the phone or see them be warm and friendly, ask about how they are but no deep conversations. We are not central to them as we all get older and that is natural.

My adult son emigrated to America 15 years ago, when he married an American girl. He and his family won’t return here to live.

Of course, I wish he lived over here, but I waved him off with a smile, and I still do when they visit here once a year.

We should give our children wings - and then let them fly.

In between, we FaceTime, message etc - it’s not the same, but it works ok.

Bit different now with Dubai - due to events, many ex pats are trying to get home. Life has taken over a lot of planned things. 😉

Coffeedrinkingthinker

I feel your pain! I would be hurt if my relatives abruptly dipped out on me at Christmas!

And you clearly looked forward to it and made all the preparations.

If its any help Ive had last minute beans on toast Xmas meals as well.

Some of the answers here had no understanding of how let down you felt.

And most people would probably feel exactly the same in your circumstances.

Of course its upsetting to hear your loved ones are moving far away.

Thats the price you pay for a successful life.

The younger generation grabs their opportunities because its their time to shine.

Your feelings get lost in the post.

But you can still draw some good out of all this if you look carefully.

Hopefully you will get at least a photo or two.

But not the connection you wanted and expected with your grandchild and his parents.

I have heard this retold by so many people.

The warm knit family with the lovingly available grandparents becomes a myth as cute as Santa Claus in so many families.

All I can offer you is to consider sponsoring a child from a reputable charity like Action Aid.

It will let your son and daughter in law realise that you can pour your love ( and your money) into other channels.

It will brighten your life for nothing more than a cup of coffee a week.

You can find out how charity helps some of the poorest people in the world.

And you will be thinking outside of your immediate family because they will continue to upset you because thats what young people do.

They want to move on with their bright tomorrow and you have to be capable of seeing as a good thing for them.

Whatever happens you have to remember that a worldwide forum is going to frequently offer you less sympathy than chat gpt would!

Everything has its shortcomings . And people dont feel your grief if they havent already felt it themselves.
They are far too busy trying to paint a rosy picture of their own lives and capabilities for the world to admire.
They are trying to prop up the myth that if only you think this way, or that way then your world will be better.
But no one can think away everything.
Sometimes we just have to endure.

A kindly response.

"Sometimes we just have to endure."
Too true! Maybe if Annaliese can think of her situation vi a vis her relatives as a normal situation for most people, Annaliese will feel better

Admitted my DS and DDiL, have not gone abroad, but they met, married and had their children in a city 200 miles cross country from where we live. Effectively a day's journey from us.

Of course that affected how much we saw of them when the children were babies and now they are mid/late teens, and when the family come down to us, now only a couple of hours and one motorway separates us, not everyone comes because they all have different commitments. Meanwhile DDiL's mother lives a couple of miles away. Thankfully we consider her mother a friend and until recently always stayed with her when we visited.

But the point is, that we have to ride the wave of what our children want to do with their lives and where that takes them. We need to have lives that are both independent of our family and in which they play a part and where at times we live a life independent of our children.

I am sometimes puzzled by how dependent some women are on their grandchildren. I mean most women today grew up in a world where women were not just stay at home housewives. Most of us went back to work once our children were at school, so we always have had our feet firmly planted in two worlds. Why should retiring or getting older change that?

Annealise

I thought about maybe buying the pram , it hasn’t been mentioned yet and it wasn’t to alter their decision Lol. I was going to suggest it when they were planning to stay in London. It was something I hear Grandparents do as a big expense. No one would turn an expensive kind gesture down.

We did, 31 years ago. Terrible waste of money 🤷‍♀️

petra

Allira

Well, I don't think anyone will be going to Dubai pro tem.

What made you think that 🤷‍♀️

Unless they go by boat.

I think you are cherishing an illusion of your role in a young couples life.

I can appreciate the disappointment that they are moving away but even if they lived in the same street the level of involvement you expect would be totally unrealistic.

You’re not being minimised. You’re being considered at an acceptable and quite ordinary level for a young couple forging their futures. Moving for jobs and grandparents visiting after the birth are totally normal things in people’s lives.

I’m afraid it’s your expectations of involvement that are unreasonable and that need to change.

Well what has happened in the last few hours may change their minds about going, who knows?
Dubai, Abu Dhabi and Bahrain and a lot of the middle East have all been targeted by drones from Iran.
I hope they see sense and stay as this is a very unstable time in that area..

Great question summerlove

Many young eople are leaving this country because they see no futre for themselves and their children here. I cant say tht I blame them. There is nothing selfish about wanting a better life for yourself and your family. Ive visited Dubai several times and its a country I would have considered moving to if I were in their age group.

Annealise

What a lonely life you must lead to look up past history of mine on here and make disparaging remarks. I am a kind, non demanding person and wasn’t in a million years expecting them to move away/or make plans so quickly without any consideration.. I’ve wished my son well and said it’s for the best - it’s the way it was done!

That’s an unkind character assumption on the poster who is trying to give a full picture to your story.

I’m curious what consideration would be enough for you?

Allira

Well, I don't think anyone will be going to Dubai pro tem.

What made you think that 🤷‍♀️

Well, I don't think anyone will be going to Dubai pro tem.

As regards never coming home for visits, as someone who lived in that part of the world for 13 years (and had 2nd baby there) I think you might find that they’ll be only too glad to escape the horrendous summer heat for a while. It gets too hot even for the beach - the sand burns your feet and the sea feels like hot soup.

I used to escape back to the U.K. for a couple of months with dds, dh would join us for the sole 4 weeks he ever had off.

"It was sad, she thought, how often women wanted to be needed, and how few of them actually were." (Barbara Pym :'No Fond Return of Love'.

Yes bit apprehensive about visits and also have health issues that would prevent me visiting for 3 days like some bright spark on here suggested.

You had mentioned that you can't stand Dubai and dreaded visits there in case you ran into Ex's family.

That is exactly the reason I suggested a short trip and staying in a hotel. To suit your requirements as expressed by you.
This was intended to help.

All I knew about your son's new job was your statement "
*they feel they dont have a choice but to leave England"
I know for a fact they will never return home for visits.*

From which nobody could have guessed
. My son is self employed and can be based anywhere in the world with his work. He can take as much time off as he wants

Nor had you mentioned any health issues.

There is a parallel between the above, and your relationships in real life. PLease consider this as it may help you in real life

You are so completely focused and overwhelmed by your own feelings that you have completely lost sight of other people #s reality being very different from yours.

Isn't that the longterm story in your relations with son and dil?

You're even seeing their pregnancy entirely in terms of how You .

Every experienced mother of adults, and granny of grandchildren, is telling you the same thing. The children we raised have their own lives now. There are no perfect lives.

Think of it another way; success as a mother, is raising an adult who knows how to love other people more than anybody else in the world. Even more than us.

We taught them that. It's our triumph, not our tragedy.

Great post Coffeedrinkingthinker, especially the final paragraph.

What your daughter in law should do and what she does are different. You have control over what you think your daughter in law should do but you cannot control what she does.

You must now take care of your own life without depending so much upon these relations of yours.

I feel your pain! I would be hurt if my relatives abruptly dipped out on me at Christmas!

And you clearly looked forward to it and made all the preparations.

If its any help Ive had last minute beans on toast Xmas meals as well.

Some of the answers here had no understanding of how let down you felt.

And most people would probably feel exactly the same in your circumstances.

Of course its upsetting to hear your loved ones are moving far away.

Thats the price you pay for a successful life.

The younger generation grabs their opportunities because its their time to shine.

Your feelings get lost in the post.

But you can still draw some good out of all this if you look carefully.

Hopefully you will get at least a photo or two.

But not the connection you wanted and expected with your grandchild and his parents.

I have heard this retold by so many people.

The warm knit family with the lovingly available grandparents becomes a myth as cute as Santa Claus in so many families.

All I can offer you is to consider sponsoring a child from a reputable charity like Action Aid.

It will let your son and daughter in law realise that you can pour your love ( and your money) into other channels.

It will brighten your life for nothing more than a cup of coffee a week.

You can find out how charity helps some of the poorest people in the world.

And you will be thinking outside of your immediate family because they will continue to upset you because thats what young people do.

They want to move on with their bright tomorrow and you have to be capable of seeing as a good thing for them.

Whatever happens you have to remember that a worldwide forum is going to frequently offer you less sympathy than chat gpt would!

Everything has its shortcomings . And people dont feel your grief if they havent already felt it themselves.
They are far too busy trying to paint a rosy picture of their own lives and capabilities for the world to admire.
They are trying to prop up the myth that if only you think this way, or that way then your world will be better.
But no one can think away everything.
Sometimes we just have to endure.

You’ll be able to communicate using WhatsApp but not make calls,

*Is WhatsApp banned in Dubai?
No, WhatsApp is not banned in Dubai. Instead, it has restrictions in place over its use. Sending a message is fine, as is sending image and video content via a chat. However, you won’t be able to make voice or video calls.

This is because strict rules are in place over VoIP services. VoIP, or Voice over Internet Protocol services, are where you make a phone call via the internet.

Throughout Dubai, the UAE government has ensured such calls cannot be made to help protect national security. This means that other similar services like FaceTime are also unavailable. However, local providers of these services are allowed.*

I really and truly hope you work things out.

My god-daughter worked in Dubai a good few years ago as a nurse and my son has also visited.

Both maintained contact with me, but cannot remember how, so I’m hoping you’ll find a way.

I’m sorry you’re so sad, but your son seems a fine man and I’m sure you’ll work something out.

I think your DiL just doesn’t understand close family relationships, she may well mellow when this baby comes

Could I suggest you go to Dubai for just a week for your first visit? Better to stay for too short a time than too long. I hope you have a lovely GC when the baby arrives

Annealise, I am so sorry that you have had some hurtful replies but hopefully, the useful suggestions will help. Lots of helpful advice has been given.
Being a mother is not easy and sometimes our children do not realise what sacrifices we make for them.
You did your best for your son which is commendable.
Having a grandchild so far away is also tough and you may not get to visit them for a while yet but hopefully, you will receive photos in the meantime.
When I visit my son, dil and grand daughter in America, I book an Airbnb to be near them and any time I get to see them, I feel happy but I make sure that I organise things to do/see so that I am not with them all the time.
New parents also seem to want to cocoon themselves with the baby so take that into account.
Take care x

BlueBelle

Annalease you have expectations of involvement that are way above normal and you will always feel let down and left out
I m afraid. Our children are only with us for a short time. Some stay near, others are more adventurous. We have to accept exactly what they want, it’s their lives not ours
I had my first child in Hong Kong and my parents didn’t see her until she was nearly 2 years old, no videos in those days they only had letters and photos It didn’t stop them having a close relationship later My son moved to New Zealand 27 years ago and both his children have been born over there and I’ve seen very little of them but I totally accept this. It’s their lives not mine. In fact all seven of my grandkids have been born overseas, but two moved back and three are closer and I ve had a great relationship with all of them It is not what I envisaged but it has been wonderful in its own way

You said .. ‘don’t tell me to build a new life for myself’ but that’s the only way I’m afraid, you have to live your own life not live through your children and grandchildren. It’s sad when you only have a small family, as an only child of an only child I have a very very small family.
The more you push to be involved the further they will pull away
It’s sad for you but you have to make the best if it We are often not given an easy hand as we dreamed and expected
I wish you every good wish but your life in the future is yours to make as good as you can, don’t turn on yourself and spend your days mourning what you haven’t got, but encompassing things you still have got

Good advice from Bluebelle.