Yet, I bet my daughter does absolutely nothing when it comes to others. When it comes to me, I can't blink at my grankids twice without it being me being interfering.
I'm also not allowed an opinion. Nor should my feelings ever be considered, but I must consider hers at all times. To which I never had that problem with; a lot of good that's done me.
Not totally estranged, but distanced a bit these last few years and subject to constant criticism, not to mention her telling the kids I was a bad grandma and bad mom. This all of course, after her husband took off with a young girl. Before that, I was gold.
So, just today, we all found out that the girlfriend is influencing my grandson to read the Bible. He mentioned it and at first, my daughter thought it was a teacher's aid with the same name, but nope, it's the ex husband's mistress.
First off, the hypocrisy/blasphemy of this person who enticed a married man to leave his pregnant wife.
But let's set that aside, and some background first: I was told by both her and her ex that they would NOT be raising their child with any religion! So naturally, I abided by that, and worse still, his mother whom is very, very religious had to abide by that also, which troubled her very much.
So what, now it's ok because it's the girlfriend? i mean, his dad didn't speak up against it but ok, I get it, he's not going to jeopardize what he's got going, so I get it. He's one of those who says things like standing by what you believe in, yet I do not expect him to impose what he believes on the girlfriend. He's such a fake person. But good at it, we all fell for it once.
But it almost looked like my daughter is going to let it slide because she didn't say one word to my grandson against it.
I have even heard her tell him Jesus, the Bible, etc was all fake when he asked about it once. I wouldn't dare say otherwise or suffer more of her wrath. But now it's cool I guess with the girlfriend?
Nothing is more hypocritical than double standards.
Idk. I guess by the time he can actually read and understand it....which will be awhile since he is only 8......the adultery part should be interesting to him I suppose.
Or not, everyone is so in denial these days when people do evil things....seems just to have an opposing opinion or follow the unpopular politics these days seems to draw more ire than actual hypocrisy, sin and evil.
So maybe he'll be in denial too, like his mom who now has tried to save face by saying maybe she did something to cause the split, although when it first happened, she said she was blindsided because she thought her husband was ok with things.
That she was trying to give him more attention that he wanted; even went on a summer trip right before it all just to give him attention without my grandson.
She doesn't want to blame him for anything, even the effect it had on my grandson when he left. He turned from being the best kid in daycare to the worst, and when he entered school he was so bad he had to change schools and also got kicked out of afterschool care.
Now my daughter wants to blame ADHD, which they never actually took him to a doctor to diagnose but the school was willing to put him in a special ed class for it anyway.
It's just crazy to me that it seems the people who actually are toxic, do bad things, etc. end up getting the understanding, get a free get out of jail card, while us devoted parents usually do not.
Ok, just venting. I don't need advice. This isn't exactly a fixable thing, nobody here has an answer, it's just an hypocrisy of life that is what it is.
I guess I could ask, what you all think of the fact my daughter is atheist now (wasn't raised that way) decided no religion for her kids, but now the girlfriend of her husband is allowed to give her son a bible , despite my daughter had insisted no religion? Isn't the girlfriend over stepping her place?
She clearly never asked my daughter if it was ok. Today during a visit here, my daughter just found out. He was building Lego crosses and then told her he was getting a bible.
Isn't that a hoot?
Normally, I'd say something to defend her but when I used to defend or try to help her it always ended up being that I was "interfering".
I had to fight the instinct to try and help her.
This time, I'm letting her swim in it.
And as much as I am angry myself at the girlfriend not bothering to get permission from my daughter, I'm kinda enjoying it.
BlueBelle
Starfire I m really sorry but you lost me half way through
OMG now there’s another oneCoffeedrinkingthinker !!!
Sorry, not sorry, I switched off half through both.. too many words
Starfire57
You know nothing about it. Really. What's not rational is a daughter who resents her mom for raising her because she wasn't worth her exes love and loyalty.
Her need to lash out, blame , control her kids relationship with me is what is sick. But they are seeing it. Getting old enough now so it will not work.
She had alot of control over her ex. That's failing too.
I do still feel sorry for her. I still resent my SIL. But I am tired of being the one who suffers for it all. I am done with it.
And you know, sometimes writing it all out is therapeutic. Quite a bit actually. Its nice to get some input, too, if its constructive that is. Otherwise these types of boards would go out of business quick, wouldn't they...
But they are her children and it is her failed marriage. Her life. Why do you embed yourself so deeply in what is not your business? An emotionally and mentally healthy person respects when someone wants space from them. Is your husband aware that you obsessively rant online about your daughter’s personal business? Has he tried getting you help? You have to see that fixating on another adult’s life to this extent is absolutely irrational. You and your daughter are separate entities and until you see that, you will keep pushing her away. For your family’s sake and for yours, please get professional help.
Nonews
You nailed the last comment
"Well she certainly is in denial that she should be blaming the source, her dad now, isn't she?"
Deflection does not grant you absolution.
And her critiquing your husband (your words) is blaming him.
You're both responsible for fostering an abusive household, and she seems wise enough to realize that now.
I don't know her current relationship with "the source" (and I don't want to know), but if he has been more understanding of the effect he had on her childhood (instead of deflecting and dismissing criticism like you have been doing), than I can easily see why her relationship with him is better. I know for sure he isn't obsessively gossiping about her behind her back to internet strangers though.
Gosh yes...It's impossible.
I'm off.....
You know nothing about it. Really. What's not rational is a daughter who resents her mom for raising her because she wasn't worth her exes love and loyalty.
Her need to lash out, blame , control her kids relationship with me is what is sick. But they are seeing it. Getting old enough now so it will not work.
She had alot of control over her ex. That's failing too.
I do still feel sorry for her. I still resent my SIL. But I am tired of being the one who suffers for it all. I am done with it.
And you know, sometimes writing it all out is therapeutic. Quite a bit actually. Its nice to get some input, too, if its constructive that is. Otherwise these types of boards would go out of business quick, wouldn't they...
MarieElla
But unfortunately, I don't think the OP is open to changing her behaviour as has been shown in her complete lack of self reflection.
I think her daughter is right putting a distance between her and the grandchildren.
The OP is not well and is not at a point to admit it. The daughter needs to understand love from a distance before she makes the same mistake her mum did by keeping her children exposed to someone who is not fit to be around the children at this time. This is really sad. We are all sitting here debating with her as if anything she is writing is rational. We are feeding the obsession by engaging her. She appears to need a licensed, higher clinician to assess and form a plan.
MarieElla
Well, we're not gettin true picture of the situation.
But, I bet if your daughter read this thread,her account would be very different.
If it was, it still wouldn't really be the truth. Too bad my parents, my mother and father inlaw are not here anymore. They were close to us and they could verify what I am saying. Even my husband finally admitted he knows she's reinvented things but just didn't want to say anything for fear she would be attacking him. He has even apologized to me for his contribution and I have accepted that apology.
But I know and he knows her childhood was downrignt priveledged and its been the involvement of others these last few years, the destruction of her life that has changed her.
I actually understand. I can forgive. But not continue allowing the lies, the abuse, disrespect. I didn't leave her, her ex did. I am done paying for it.
I’m failing to see how the obsessive level of involvement in your adult daughter’s issues with her ex does not warrant anyone in your life who truly loves you to encourage you to seek the help of mental health professionals.
Coming onto the internet to discuss such details about your daughter’s life is the furthest thing from healthy. There are so many mental health resources where you can obtain the help you need. Psychotherapy is available in the States as televisits if you require discretion and the comfort of your own home. Please seek help. This forum is not helping because we are not mental health professionals able to treat you. No other advice would be relevant at this point.
I feel for the little boy being used in such a way with such a troubling dis functioning family. No Therapist could be of any use. . All damaged and in denial. How many little children going through the same and repeating same patterns they have no chance.
In future I won’t be reading certain peoples posts as they are deeply troubling.
Well, we're not gettin true picture of the situation.
But, I bet if your daughter read this thread,her account would be very different.
mum2three
Honestly, reading some of the posts on here, I wonder why people bother with families at all. I'm thankful that my parents emigrated to Australia shortly after I married. My children have moved abroad. The only contact we have is by e-mail, which makes life much simpler.
Believe me, you are right. Give me a time machine and I'll stay single, raise some puppy dogs and call it a life. Much happier and calm.
Allira
^I won't be cut off.^
That is not your decision to make.
She won't. I guarantee. There are several reasons I won't get into here.
You don't know me.
But I am different than I was just a mere few years ago.
I have been thinking.....the way I was.......not being difficult, being mindful of myself , cooperative, loving, self sacrificing, caring , trying to not argue, be a peacemaker, be quite instead of complaining, trying to just ignore things and being honest for years and years didn't end up working, I realized that I should try something new.
Like be more self serving, less honest, less caring, less mindul of myself, less giving, less loving and perhaps, being a bit difficult, might work out better. Worth a shot.
I mean, to continue as I was and expect a different outcome....isn't that the definition of insanity? I won't repeat past mistakes.
Despite everything, my grandkids both still really enjoy us and want us around. They tell her , it seems anytime there is something going on. We have been doing some things to reconnect with my son in law and that's working. I really hate the girlfriend for what's she's done, but, I'm good at pushing my feelings aside when it's worth it, and the grands are worth it.
So my daughter will start losing control. She clearly already has with her ex, it's just the beginning.
I could have almost killed someone for her at one time, I was a very tribal mom. Not anymore, not the way she has decided to treat me and not care for me anymore. Her feelings seem to be all that counts. Well, mine do too now.
Honestly, reading some of the posts on here, I wonder why people bother with families at all. I'm thankful that my parents emigrated to Australia shortly after I married. My children have moved abroad. The only contact we have is by e-mail, which makes life much simpler.
I won't be cut off.
That is not your decision to make.
I won't be cut off. The irony is, she is not going to ever turn her back on her father. So I'm good, especially since he is retiring after this year, he'll be around more since his job takes him away for long periods. So he'll be wanting more time and that means I get more. This is gonna work out for me, I'm determined to make sure of it. Like I said, I'm done being a pushover. I have some plans for the future.
I do dream one day she'll realize her mistake about me, but then I stop myself and realize I may not trust her anymore even if that happened. I will always love her but in my heart I think I'm letting her not take space there anymore.
MarieElla
I think you're in danger of being completely cut off by your daughter.
The more you post, the more you show how difficult you are!
Have you shown her this thread?
Or any of the others you've posted?
Naw. I have been the most honest forthcoming person anyone could have as a mom, family member. But when people want to complain, want to control you, and are narcissistic in nature, they use the most innocent things you would not believe. I was a trusting fool. I'm done being that.
So no, not showing shit.
I think you're in danger of being completely cut off by your daughter.
The more you post, the more you show how difficult you are!
Have you shown her this thread?
Or any of the others you've posted?
petra
MarieElla
So many ineffective therapists out there...I think you need one to help you take responsibility in the breakdown of your relationship with your daughter.
Then the relationship will have some hope of rebuilding.Absolutely.
No therapist worth the money would openly agree with a client complaining about another person involved in the reason you are seeing them.
As for one of them opening her mouth in shock, almost laughable. They just wouldn’t do that.
Believe what you want. They were good therapists who also wanted to involve my daughter who refused because, I guess, she's perfect and it's all me. With that attitude, no wonder she has issues and who knows, maybe she treated my SIL with the same attitude and he couldn't wait to leave.
I don't believe that, because I know how men are with younger women, so I think he just took off, but, perhaps my angel wasn't so angelic.
I have tried being understanding with her for several years, believe me, did the therapy, changed my habits for her, catered to her every rule with the grandkids, tried to support her, make things easy for her, helped her both with the kids, her house, financially as well and it really made little difference.
Apologized for her dad's behavior (funny how he didn't have to apologize though, eh?). Apologized for anything I did that she didn't like. Pretty much changed who I was......the therapist at one point said I had the right idea but I was pretty much giving up myself trying to conform to that perfect mom.
I'm not saying some of it didn't work, temporarily. But in the long run, nope. So it's not worth it. Not worth being worried about everything she wants or needs, or letting her belittle me. Not worth being worried about being truthful, and forthcoming.
I'm learning now, finally, that the best thing is to outsmart. Lately, that has worked a bit. Being more upfront with what I need or expect. It's a work in progress because I've been a pushover too long. Lately I've got my husband working on my side now, because he knows if things don't improve , I'm walking.
I'm doing what needs to be done. I am cooperative but I am also defending myself, not taking any bullshit anymore.
The post was simply about how double standards are infuriating. But we'll see how it all goes with the religion stuff. I'm going to use that later if I need to. I won't defend her non -religious position if it ends up he takes to it.
She should be blaming both of you!
Hithere
Op
You are very wrong that verbal abuse directed to you did not affect her
It was also abusive to her.
You are so in denial about that
Well she certainly is in denial that she should be blaming the source, her dad now, isn't she?
But unfortunately, I don't think the OP is open to changing her behaviour as has been shown in her complete lack of self reflection.
I think her daughter is right putting a distance between her and the grandchildren.
MarieElla
So many ineffective therapists out there...I think you need one to help you take responsibility in the breakdown of your relationship with your daughter.
Then the relationship will have some hope of rebuilding.
Absolutely.
No therapist worth the money would openly agree with a client complaining about another person involved in the reason you are seeing them.
As for one of them opening her mouth in shock, almost laughable. They just wouldn’t do that.
And I'm afraid to ask what you were feeding her as a child, but the fact you're unable to take her criticisms seriously speaks volumes of your character.
As a child you have no point of reference or wisdom. You just live life, eat whats in front of you and carry on like everything is normal. As an adult, you can look back on your childhood with a much greater understanding and knowledge of what's right and wrong.
Also, you should show your daughter what you have been posting. If you can't comfortably do that, than that itself should be a really big clue that you shouldn't be doing it in the first place.
Food for thought.
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