Well, at least this time, I am not the so called problem.

Ya you're the real victim here. The adult who could have walked away, not the helpless child who had no choice but to stay.

"So much for the co-parenting she was bragging about to me last year."

And I see you're finding joy that your daughter was wrong.

With mothers like these, who needs enemies.

Poor daughter.

Please stop talking about her behind her back. It's not motherly at all.

Op

You are very wrong that verbal abuse directed to you did not affect her

It was also abusive to her.

You are so in denial about that

So many ineffective therapists out there...I think you need one to help you take responsibility in the breakdown of your relationship with your daughter.
Then the relationship will have some hope of rebuilding.

MarieElla

Gosh, OP I understood, from previous posts that you liked your ex SIL....
The best advice is to step back from your daughter's affairs and be grateful she allows, even minimal contact with her children.
Have you been to see a therapist about all this?

I did like him. I hate what he did. If he came back tomorrow, I'd welcome him, forgive and forget. I still like him but what he did to my daughter was cruel, didn't give their marriage a chance, just saw an opportunity to have something "better" like a young girl.

So there is no hate here...just mad sometimes but most of all, disappointed in him. I'd say that's pretty normal under the circumstances. And I blame the girl more since she had the experience knowing the pain of divorce, as her mother had just gone through it. But at least she had her parents together during childhood; that's something she took from my grandkids.

Have been to therapists. Tried a couple. All were shocked and in agreement that my daughter's behavior was a result of her trying to blame and control the only person who really gave a crap. And they could only offer me ways to try and cope. Gave me strategies to manage with her, which surprised them when those would fail. One of them used to open her mouth in shock. I think she was stumped on what to do really. But she tried.

I have coped partially, but the on going problem makes it hard to resolve and move on. Well, I have moved on in some ways; I was obsessed always with my kids and couldn't stand it if something happened to them.

I cried for literally years after this all happened to her, knowing how much pain she had to be in. At least now, somehow her rejection of me as a mom just quelled that pain in me.

Although I sometimes still feel for her pain, it's just not at all at the same level it was before, which is some sort of twisted blessing I guess. I don't even worry about her life at all anymore. It's weird. I guess I love her but not as much as I used to? Idk. Maybe because she is not the same person, the one who used to text me mommy mommy and I love you. That person died, in a way.

Now I'm more protective of myself. I will speak up when she tries to criticize or misjudge something I do or say. I will not put up with it anymore, it's a pattern she learned from her dad. And he's finally learning too,

I'm not going to let him continue without calling him out on it. Seems he's starting to understand I will not let it slide anymore. He's a narcissist, someone once a long time ago tried to tell me that but of course, young love is blind love.

So as they say, children learn what the live. My husband was the example since he was the dominate type whereas I was the peacemaker, the more silent one. Never dawned on me, she would take after him. She was a sweet girl. But, people change.

NoNews

"Alot of talk became about critiquing how she was raised, everything from my husband to..."

Your husband, as in her father. Her abusive father. Which you neglected to protect her from, for one reason or another.

You talk about how rosy the past was but people grow and tend to get wiser. They sometimes look back on their childhood and realize what they used to think was completely normal was in fact far from it.

Maybe it's time you wisen up and take accountability for your mistakes rather than babbling gossip online about your daughter.

Shame on you.

Not abusive at all to her. Verbally abusive to me, always complaining, putting me down. So she needed no protection.

BTW, she's perfectly fine with him now. Ironic, ain't it? Or actually, it makes sense because she was never abused by him, so why wouldn't she be ok with him?

Shame on on you for blaming the real victim of it all.

Gosh, OP I understood, from previous posts that you liked your ex SIL....
The best advice is to step back from your daughter's affairs and be grateful she allows, even minimal contact with her children.
Have you been to see a therapist about all this?

"Alot of talk became about critiquing how she was raised, everything from my husband to..."

Your husband, as in her father. Her abusive father. Which you neglected to protect her from, for one reason or another.

You talk about how rosy the past was but people grow and tend to get wiser. They sometimes look back on their childhood and realize what they used to think was completely normal was in fact far from it.

Maybe it's time you wisen up and take accountability for your mistakes rather than babbling gossip online about your daughter.

Shame on you.

Madgran77

*Agree that yes I am resentful and bitter. Rightly so, some stranger comes and interfers with my daughters marriage, destroys it a d that turns my own daughter from someone who would regularly write "I love you mommy" in messages to calling me an abuser because her dad couldn't help but yell at me (not her) im her childhood when he wanted me to do things rather than simply ask like a normal person. Yeah my daughter died , rose and became someone else. So yeah I resent the people who brought that about.*

I get all that as your perspective but focusing on it is not going to help you really is it

Well, at least you get it. Some people cannot understand or get anything unless it happens to them, really. I sure wouldn't get it if my young self read my own posts. I would say just screw em, but, that would be my young, unaffected self.

It does not help, you are right. I think it's I look too much back at just around 8 years ago, seriously, on top of the world, love all around our family, my daughter, her husband, first grandchild's first birthday and all of us were over the moon, always together, happy.

I used to thank God everyday, especially since the road before had some bumps, things had peaked into perfection. It's really has been hard, it literally happened overnight when it did happen, and it was final before anyone could try to
work it out, talk about it, etc.

Just suddenly over, just like that. Not one hope. Like being hit by a truck, but with no real recovery, just forever banged up. I tried very hard to be there for her but as time went she started just resenting my help, which was everything from comfort talk, to cleaning her house, to offering things she might need either emotionally or financially, taking care of things with the kids, etc.

I really feel she felt like a loser, rejected by her soulmate, and I was the one who raised her, so it was my fault.

Alot of talk became about critiquing how she was raised, everything from my husband to what food she ate. Didn't want to relive memories like watching videos of their childhood or share movies of that era with the grandkids.

By contrast, my son loves the era, lately has been happy we revisit it watching movies and I've gotten some things for our computer room like Star Wars decor, Back to the Future, etc. from the 80's. He loves his childhood. She doesn't. She used to.

Oh well. Way off the original subject. I think the girlfriend should have asked my daughter first. Apparently my SIL is too wimpy to defend what he believes in. This isnt' the first time her son has been allowed to do something she opposes and they didn't even bother asking her.

So much for the co-parenting she was bragging about to me last year. Guess he got tired of her rules too.

Agree that yes I am resentful and bitter. Rightly so, some stranger comes and interfers with my daughters marriage, destroys it a d that turns my own daughter from someone who would regularly write "I love you mommy" in messages to calling me an abuser because her dad couldn't help but yell at me (not her) im her childhood when he wanted me to do things rather than simply ask like a normal person. Yeah my daughter died , rose and became someone else. So yeah I resent the people who brought that about.

I get all that as your perspective but focusing on it is not going to help you really is it

It makes a change from OP monopolising threads on news and politics. I won't post anymore on this. She never takes advice that doesn't agree with her view. She must live in an echo chamber

Eh?

Does your daughter know you’re laying her private life out on the internet?

Madgran77

Starfire you really need to just focus on trying to build some sort of relationship tbat can work for you with your daughter instead of apparently putting all your energy into your anger and resentment towards her and others. Im not saying that is easy but it really does seem like the only way forward for you if you want to maintain contact.

I undersyand it must feel "unfair to you" that girlfriend has done something you woukd not be allowed to do. But focusing on that isnt going to help is it? Just ghink about ghe ghings that matter to you re your relationship with daughter and grandchildren; leave the rest of it to be

Well at least you atevtrying to make a decent post here. Agree that yes I am resentful and bitter. Rightly so, some stranger comes and interfers with my daughters marriage, destroys it a d that turns my own daughter from someone who would regularly write "I love you mommy" in messages to calling me an abuser because her dad couldn't help but yell at me (not her) im her childhood when he wanted me to do things rather than simply ask like a normal person. Yeah my daughter died , rose and became someone else. So yeah I resent the people who brought that about. Isn't that too bad that moms are humans too with emotions eh? Well obviously I don't control the whole situation but nobody can control my feelings about it all...I certainly can't, that's for sure. Now I just pretend things are okay for my grandkids. But they are not ok and I certainly will not lie to myself...who could do that, never understood it although I do know people living in denial. My daughter for one but then again she has an easy scapegoat. Wish I could I suppose its easier to see rainbows during a hurricane but it's just not reality.

Starfire you really need to just focus on trying to build some sort of relationship tbat can work for you with your daughter instead of apparently putting all your energy into your anger and resentment towards her and others. Im not saying that is easy but it really does seem like the only way forward for you if you want to maintain contact.

I undersyand it must feel "unfair to you" that girlfriend has done something you woukd not be allowed to do. But focusing on that isnt going to help is it? Just ghink about ghe ghings that matter to you re your relationship with daughter and grandchildren; leave the rest of it to be

To go back to the beginning, OP, I fear you are.

Starfire57 you said you didn't need advice . So why are you annoyed now .

And I repeat what posters said - HE made vows to his former wife and decided to find somebody else and leave her

The girlfriend is with the father of rhe kid

If teaching his son the religion was a deal breaker, he would speak up and put a stop to it

He is not.

I dont get why this is so hard to understand

A married man left his pregnant wife. Either he wants his child to read the bible or he has agreed to his girlfriend encouraging it. That is his right as a parent. Presumably your DD is wise enough not to interfere between father and son.

You really need to accept that they are the parents and can make decisions and change their minds.

For your own sake you need to let this go.

Really, I thought at least a few posters would have addressed the clear interference and crossing of boundries of the girlfriend on the non religious way my daughter and son in law were raising their children. But, not one.

Wow.

I certainly can't take any advice given here (except for the practical, normal responses) with any sort of real seriousness or validity. What a crock.

So, going by many of the comments here, if I were to say I was going to buy him the Bible without his parents permission, knowing they did not want to bring him up religious, I'm assuming I would be hung by the rafters for taking that upon myself? That I have crossed a boundary, am toxic, etc???

Yet, surprisingly to me, nobody has even addressed or thinks a girlfriend, who btw enticed a married man to leave his pregnant wife, has overstepped any sort of boundary by making the decision to buy him a bible?

That's pretty messed up folks.

Hithere

Your poor daughter, I hope she has a real support system that helps her through tough times

The father of the child has the right to raise him as he sees fit - with or without religion.
Dont blame the new partner

Please stop gossiping about your daughter in the internet unless you have her consent, it is her private life- it only shows how strong and resilient she is despite the circumstances

But his isn't making that decision. Neither is my daughter. The girlfriend did. What is amazing to me is that many people here choose to attack me, and ignored the fact that the girlfriend was doing something that if I had done it, decide to teach my grandkid something opposed to my daughter and her exe's view, that immediately everyone here would be telling me I overstepped, they should decide how to raise there kid, etc.

But it's ok for a girlfriend to overstep and make that decision which has been the opposite of what both parents had literally told me and all the other family members who were Christian wanted?

Ever hear of the term double standard?

Wow, guess I was wrong about something. I thought it was only the younger generation that was so judgmental. My bad.

friendlygingercat

My grandmother estranged herself from my mother but she did initiate a relationship with me from the age of 4. She had to be very careful not to interfere. However as I got older I learned to value my grandmother regardless of what other people said about her. The older I grew the closer the relationship became. Children will make up their own minds eventuallly if they want a relationship with a relative.

This is very encouraging, thank you.

InRainbows

I really think you need to stop getting so personally involved in other people's lives and decisions

Agreed.

I really think you need to stop getting so personally involved in other people's lives and decisions

mum2three

The Old Testament is basically a history book. Much of it has been proved to be accurate. The New Testament is about the Christian religion. What exactly are you concerned about? All children should be familiar with the Bible, so long as it's read with an open mind.

We have a book called The Bible as History.

It must be 40 or 50 years old. I should get round to reading it one day.