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Estrangement

Well, at least this time, I am not the so called problem.

(112 Posts)
Starfire57 Sun 01-Mar-26 06:36:46

Yet, I bet my daughter does absolutely nothing when it comes to others. When it comes to me, I can't blink at my grankids twice without it being me being interfering.

I'm also not allowed an opinion. Nor should my feelings ever be considered, but I must consider hers at all times. To which I never had that problem with; a lot of good that's done me.

Not totally estranged, but distanced a bit these last few years and subject to constant criticism, not to mention her telling the kids I was a bad grandma and bad mom. This all of course, after her husband took off with a young girl. Before that, I was gold.

So, just today, we all found out that the girlfriend is influencing my grandson to read the Bible. He mentioned it and at first, my daughter thought it was a teacher's aid with the same name, but nope, it's the ex husband's mistress.

First off, the hypocrisy/blasphemy of this person who enticed a married man to leave his pregnant wife.

But let's set that aside, and some background first: I was told by both her and her ex that they would NOT be raising their child with any religion! So naturally, I abided by that, and worse still, his mother whom is very, very religious had to abide by that also, which troubled her very much.

So what, now it's ok because it's the girlfriend? i mean, his dad didn't speak up against it but ok, I get it, he's not going to jeopardize what he's got going, so I get it. He's one of those who says things like standing by what you believe in, yet I do not expect him to impose what he believes on the girlfriend. He's such a fake person. But good at it, we all fell for it once.

But it almost looked like my daughter is going to let it slide because she didn't say one word to my grandson against it.

I have even heard her tell him Jesus, the Bible, etc was all fake when he asked about it once. I wouldn't dare say otherwise or suffer more of her wrath. But now it's cool I guess with the girlfriend?

Nothing is more hypocritical than double standards.

Idk. I guess by the time he can actually read and understand it....which will be awhile since he is only 8......the adultery part should be interesting to him I suppose.

Or not, everyone is so in denial these days when people do evil things....seems just to have an opposing opinion or follow the unpopular politics these days seems to draw more ire than actual hypocrisy, sin and evil.

So maybe he'll be in denial too, like his mom who now has tried to save face by saying maybe she did something to cause the split, although when it first happened, she said she was blindsided because she thought her husband was ok with things.

That she was trying to give him more attention that he wanted; even went on a summer trip right before it all just to give him attention without my grandson.

She doesn't want to blame him for anything, even the effect it had on my grandson when he left. He turned from being the best kid in daycare to the worst, and when he entered school he was so bad he had to change schools and also got kicked out of afterschool care.

Now my daughter wants to blame ADHD, which they never actually took him to a doctor to diagnose but the school was willing to put him in a special ed class for it anyway.

It's just crazy to me that it seems the people who actually are toxic, do bad things, etc. end up getting the understanding, get a free get out of jail card, while us devoted parents usually do not.

Ok, just venting. I don't need advice. This isn't exactly a fixable thing, nobody here has an answer, it's just an hypocrisy of life that is what it is.

I guess I could ask, what you all think of the fact my daughter is atheist now (wasn't raised that way) decided no religion for her kids, but now the girlfriend of her husband is allowed to give her son a bible , despite my daughter had insisted no religion? Isn't the girlfriend over stepping her place?

She clearly never asked my daughter if it was ok. Today during a visit here, my daughter just found out. He was building Lego crosses and then told her he was getting a bible.

Isn't that a hoot?

Normally, I'd say something to defend her but when I used to defend or try to help her it always ended up being that I was "interfering".

I had to fight the instinct to try and help her.

This time, I'm letting her swim in it.

And as much as I am angry myself at the girlfriend not bothering to get permission from my daughter, I'm kinda enjoying it.

Smileless2012 Mon 02-Mar-26 14:17:37

I'm glad that your mum did that for you and your GM friendlygingercat and I wish that there were more like her.

friendlygingercat Mon 02-Mar-26 13:24:14

My grandmother estranged herself from my mother but she did initiate a relationship with me from the age of 4. She had to be very careful not to interfere. However as I got older I learned to value my grandmother regardless of what other people said about her. The older I grew the closer the relationship became. Children will make up their own minds eventuallly if they want a relationship with a relative.

Hithere Mon 02-Mar-26 13:13:56

Your poor daughter, I hope she has a real support system that helps her through tough times

The father of the child has the right to raise him as he sees fit - with or without religion.
Dont blame the new partner

Please stop gossiping about your daughter in the internet unless you have her consent, it is her private life- it only shows how strong and resilient she is despite the circumstances

Starfire57 Mon 02-Mar-26 08:11:25

mum2three

The Old Testament is basically a history book. Much of it has been proved to be accurate. The New Testament is about the Christian religion. What exactly are you concerned about? All children should be familiar with the Bible, so long as it's read with an open mind.

I am not sure about how much was actually proven. I only know historians wrote about Jesus, not really knowing if he was or wasn't the savior. One historian thought maybe he was some sort of magician, well, that would not explain making the blind see or the lame walk. I don't know if I really believe, I used to. I think God would have to make some sense, as I mentioned, in people's lives. He makes a lot of promises in the Bible, things like the righteous prayers shall be heard and God does avenge us if we don't try to do it ourselves, etc. and right now the people who have ruined my life, daughter's life, my poor grandson's life too, as he has expressed suffering so much of the split are living it up together. Idk, I suppose it could change overnight, anything is possible.

Starfire57 Mon 02-Mar-26 08:03:39

So, since Jesus was real, maybe he was the savior. If not, again, it would pretty much suck.

Starfire57 Mon 02-Mar-26 08:01:29

Whiff

Not going to say anything the situation. Just say this about reading the Bible.

I read the old and new testament when I was 14. And my parents left it up to me if I wanted to believe it not. They where both Christians but didn't believe you had to believe in God to be Christian.

I have been an atheist since I was 14 . My husband was one as well and our children where brought up to decide for themselves. They are also atheist.

Children make up their own minds about things .

I have had many Christians telling me I will burn in the fires of hell. Told them I will burn but in a crem. Don't believe in God so why would they think I believe in a Devil.

When Christians in there 20-30's have challenged me I ask if they have read the old testament the answer is always the same no they follow the teachings of the new testament.

Told them to read it then .

Most of my friends are Cof E or Catholic not one of them has told me I am wrong . They respect my right to choose.

OP you asked for no advice haven't given any .

I appreciate this comment, thank you. Interesting, and you are right, why would you burn in hell if you don't believe in that either? I think with God comes the Devil, you can't have one without the other!

I have always believed and am to continue to, but for me some of it has to make sense. I've had bad roads I've been on before, and some of it resolves, or gets better, or seems to be livable or even ends up the right way but this last few years, none of what has happened between our family makes any sense, no resolutions, not livable, not getting better and not very livable or right.

So, I guess at this point, I am allowed, like Thomas, not necessarily have literal proof, but, to at least have it make sense. Thomas got proof, I really just need relief and change towards some happiness out of this all.

I don't think I'm asking for angels s to open the heavens and come down to tell me yes, there is a God. I just need God to make some sense; and maybe that will come in time for me, the changes I need to have, I suppose, hope that he does exist because really right now, it is very hard to believe he actually exists.

And that sucks more than any of this stuff going on, because that would mean, this is it, and no matter how much you gain in life, you lose it anyway. No place to regain it all, see your long gone family, your pets, your friends. No meeting those famous souls you admire. No peace, happiness and finally finding out how all this started.

That would just suck.

I do know there have been non biblical accounts from historians that Jesus was a man who existed, started a new religion

mum2three Mon 02-Mar-26 06:04:14

The Old Testament is basically a history book. Much of it has been proved to be accurate. The New Testament is about the Christian religion. What exactly are you concerned about? All children should be familiar with the Bible, so long as it's read with an open mind.

Starfire57 Mon 02-Mar-26 04:43:24

Coffeedrinkingthinker

This is interesting and coincidentally just happens to arrive on a Sunday.
I get it...your frustration at finding the family rules changed on the sudden whim of the new wife of the ex.

I would imagine that theres more to it tho than a sudden religious burst of enthusiasm!

My guess is that there's a new baby on the way!

And what could be better than aligning acceptance of the unborn child with the little baby Jesus!

I think Jesus could be your new best friend here..... Widely accepted, much loved ( after all he changed the water into wine at a wedding that had run dry) and subjected to ghastly abuse for all the kind things he did!

Plenty of food for thought.

Not to mention how he managed to stretch that loaf of bread and five fishes.

I guess Im trying to say "dont let this overly vex you!"

At least its an area you're comfortable with and your lovely little grandson is not being subject to abject cruelty.

I get the frustration at the hypocrisy of the marriage wrecking new wife but you just have to remember that it takes two to Tango.

And you werent there when these events took place. So fortunately you didnt have to see them in action !

No one really wants the role of being the "sex police"!

Most people consider that if it was consensual between two fully grown adults, then it was a private moment .

You probably think I'm making light of what must have been a devastating and fraught moment for your daughter when she became aware of her partners ultimate betrayal by taking his loyalty outside of his commitment to her.

And this takes time to recover from!

But believe me, your daughter is doing extremely well if she has adjusted to these changes because this means that she is moving on emotionaly and that is exactly what she needs to do at the moment.
I havent backtracked on your history but I am touched by your honesty and your loyalty to your daughter .

Well I get the two to Tango but many, many instances are as follows; good marriage, plans for the future (kids, house) and then when kid comes, man starts feeling old (especially one who's dad dies a bit too young) and then a young girl comes along and suddenly he is young again.

While I do get that he is at fault here, at least I understand how men usually are....I mean, look at Hollywood men, always end up with the young wife after a couple divorces. Of course, they do have a lot more opportunity than the average guy.

So I do give my SIL that; plus, his parents were so devoted that even after all these years his dad has been dead, his mom cannot stop posting about his dad and her love for him. My SIL is innocent of the effect divorce has.

The girlfriend is not innocent; her dad took off with a younger woman and left her and her mom so she's very versed on that pain. Yet inflicts it on another. That's why I blame her more, she knows and yet she inflicted it anyway.

I am think I feel mainly just disappointed in him, almost thought he might be different from the norm because my daughter believed he was. Love is blind, he wasn't what she thought.

I don't know what you mean about a baby. The girlfriend? I figure a few years after the girlfriend and him marry, that might happen, she's very young and has a ton of time, plus right now I hear she is still building her career. She's freaking 16 years younger than my daughter. So my daughter never had a chance, competition wise.

I am loyal still, when it really comes down to it, to my daughter. Despite her horrible treatment of me over these last few years.

I want to help her on this issue, but again she is not appreciative in the least of me and it usually backfires on me anyway. So that part of my loyalty is broken; I never will again try to help her in any way nor even ease her suffering; I used to try to ease her suffering all the time and even that was rejected.

So if she can't handle things....idk, it will serve her right. I do still feel for her but a lot of the intensity of that is, just.....gone.

I'm more worried about my grandkids these days.

You are right, it's not an abusive situation with my grandson, even if a bit of blasphemy, but, I really think the girlfriend over stepped. I have to ask about every little thing when it comes to my grandkids.

And most people agree, others should not do things concerning kids without asking the parent.

Clearly my SIL will not oppose anyway, not because he is a believer but will not want to cause any disruption in his own happy situation. I would not be surprised if he ended up "saved' or whatever if his son does take to religion; he is pretentious and fake, that is one thing I found out about him. He pretended to me about making plans for a new home after their second child was born and all along he was having an affair which he knew he was going to leave my daughter for.

Anyway, thank you for your thoughts and honest opinion.

Allsorts Sun 01-Mar-26 22:51:41

It's their families business. They raise their family their way.

Allira Sun 01-Mar-26 22:39:10

BlueBelle

Oh do we write lonnnng epistles on St David’s day ? I never knew that I ll try to remember on St Patrick’s Day 🤣

No some of us are busy cooking leeks, lamb, Welsh cakes and arranging daffodils 😁

daffodildaffodildaffodildaffodildaffodildaffodil

Summerlove Sun 01-Mar-26 22:34:45

I can’t for the life of me understand why Any of this is your business.

Your daughter’s ex wrecked his home, not his girlfriend.

Norah Sun 01-Mar-26 21:44:52

Coffeedrinkingthinker

This is interesting and coincidentally just happens to arrive on a Sunday.
I get it...your frustration at finding the family rules changed on the sudden whim of the new wife of the ex.

I would imagine that theres more to it tho than a sudden religious burst of enthusiasm!

My guess is that there's a new baby on the way!

And what could be better than aligning acceptance of the unborn child with the little baby Jesus!

I think Jesus could be your new best friend here..... Widely accepted, much loved ( after all he changed the water into wine at a wedding that had run dry) and subjected to ghastly abuse for all the kind things he did!

Plenty of food for thought.

Not to mention how he managed to stretch that loaf of bread and five fishes.

I guess Im trying to say "dont let this overly vex you!"

At least its an area you're comfortable with and your lovely little grandson is not being subject to abject cruelty.

I get the frustration at the hypocrisy of the marriage wrecking new wife but you just have to remember that it takes two to Tango.

And you werent there when these events took place. So fortunately you didnt have to see them in action !

No one really wants the role of being the "sex police"!

Most people consider that if it was consensual between two fully grown adults, then it was a private moment .

You probably think I'm making light of what must have been a devastating and fraught moment for your daughter when she became aware of her partners ultimate betrayal by taking his loyalty outside of his commitment to her.

And this takes time to recover from!

But believe me, your daughter is doing extremely well if she has adjusted to these changes because this means that she is moving on emotionaly and that is exactly what she needs to do at the moment.
I havent backtracked on your history but I am touched by your honesty and your loyalty to your daughter .

Call me confused.

RosiesMawagain Sun 01-Mar-26 21:36:55

Coffeedrinkingthinker

So Bluebelle you object to what I wrote as long epistle.
Well you didnt get the joke but maybe you can get your shamrock for St.Patricks day! Lol
But why YOU WOULD MIND 🤔 is beyond me when I wasnt writing for YOU.🙅🤷

I didn’t get «the joke» either confusedconfused

Hithere Sun 01-Mar-26 19:34:15

Sores

You nailed it!

Pengu1n Sun 01-Mar-26 18:58:23

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

User138562 Sun 01-Mar-26 15:05:29

Shortly before I estranged her, my own mother told me I would be going to hell when I finally admitted that I'm atheist. It definitely happens.

butterandjam Sun 01-Mar-26 14:49:11

Smileless2012

^I have had many Christians telling me I will burn in the fires of hell^ good grief Whiff shock I've never heard a Christian say that to anyone or heard it said about anyone who isn't a Christian.

My son's teacher told an entire class of seven year olds that people who don't believe in God go to hell. DS put up his hand and said " Will my Mum will go to hell for not believing in God ?"
She told him I would.

A religious neighbour told me she was very worried I am eternally damned because I have been recruited by Satan.
At my yoga class.

Coffeedrinkingthinker Sun 01-Mar-26 14:48:42

So Bluebelle you object to what I wrote as long epistle.
Well you didnt get the joke but maybe you can get your shamrock for St.Patricks day! Lol
But why YOU WOULD MIND 🤔 is beyond me when I wasnt writing for YOU.🙅🤷

petra Sun 01-Mar-26 14:10:47

Smileless2012

^I have had many Christians telling me I will burn in the fires of hell^ good grief Whiff shock I've never heard a Christian say that to anyone or heard it said about anyone who isn't a Christian.

I’m not playing trumps but this is absolutely true from the horses mouth.
My friend ( a Sunday school teacher had a daughter who had a termination when she was 18.
The daughter married. Her and her husband kept trying for a baby but nothing happened.
It sadly transpired that the daughter’s husband was sterile 😥
My christian friends response to this news was that it was god paying her back for having the termination.
She told me this when the couple estranged her.

Bea65 Sun 01-Mar-26 13:53:48

SORES

Starfire57 -

what you really need is a publisher

🤣 too funny

crazyH Sun 01-Mar-26 13:49:27

Happy St David’s Day from an adopted Welshy. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿

BlueBelle Sun 01-Mar-26 13:42:52

Oh do we write lonnnng epistles on St David’s day ? I never knew that I ll try to remember on St Patrick’s Day 🤣

Whiff Sun 01-Mar-26 13:40:35

Smiles welcome to my world . Last time happened was last year when a waitress in a cafe that is a church on a Sunday,but they did fantastic hot chocolate with real chocolate. Said she would pray for my hands I politely told her not to as I am atheist. Then she told me I will burn in the fires of hell. I pointed I respected her right to have a faith what gave her the right to talk to me like that. The whole cafe looked at her and she went into the back.

The cafe has changed hands this year and I won't be going in. First off it's called Heavenly cafe and a logo on the window of a hill with a large cross on it .
If that doesn't scream Christians only I don't know what does.

Coffeedrinkingthinker Sun 01-Mar-26 12:39:21

Well Bluebell.... Its St. Davids Day......LOL 🤷🤰👸👯

Smileless2012 Sun 01-Mar-26 12:27:18

I have had many Christians telling me I will burn in the fires of hell good grief Whiff shock I've never heard a Christian say that to anyone or heard it said about anyone who isn't a Christian.