I hate my DIL and I don’t say that lightly!

How sad so many are desperate to see their son’s marriage fail.
These problems are rarely one sided ….and we only hear one side
You brought him up so of Hes “weak” is that down to you?
Or have you always had issues with his other relationships?
My FIL hated me,not for anything I did ,just because of the religion I was raised in.He made my life miserable for years but I didn,t let him win.I made sure he was included in everything ,even when he was refusing to go to ,y grandsons christening because it was in a Catholic Church.
Sadly it took over 30 years before he said he couldn,t have picked a better wife for his son….and he was dying .

Surely you should accept your DIL as your sons choice Hes not asking you to live with her .

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this but you are not the only ones. Arghghghghghgh!!!! Our adult children seem to think it is ok to treat us this way. We have no real rights when it comes to the lovely grandchildren. I have had the same with my DS and his calculating scheming wife. I have always put on a smiley front but inside I could smack her stupid face! She has governed when I went there, saw the grand children etc while her parents played a massive role. I stayed over there house for the entire weekends while they went away and got little thanks for it. Now they are older the grandchildren text me and my grandson is about to sit his driving test and hopefully he will come and see me. Granddaughter is always too busy according to my DIL yet she is 17 and says she misses me so much. If I just drop in there you would think I had stirred a hornets nest. Bloody hell what did we do when we brought them up that was so wrong. I would never have treated my parents like this.
You and your husband try and have the best time that you can but I know just how hard it is. I would say she will improve and come round in the end but I know this could be nonsense. Hugs to you lovely people.

Why on earth did you agree to do housework and baby sitting when you live three hours travel time away? So many of these sad stories start by grandparents committing themselves to unrealitic and totally unjustified reuests for extensive childcare.

We live 4 hours from our grandchildren and they would come and visit for 5 days in the school holidays and we would visit them for several days during term time. I do not think it ever occurred to any of us that we would be able to play any day by day role in the care of our DGC, except in the direst emergency, which arose once, but ony once. and i was up the A1 like a shot to respond.

I don't know what's worse entitled grandparents who want a 2nd shot of parenting vicariously with the desire to appropriate gc all to themselves or parents who load up their own parents with onerous child minding duties. A round trip of 6 hours for a day's child minding is absolutely ridiculous

It is our GS’s partner who is behaving like this.
I have two GGC , I have seen the eldest about 4 times and the little once.
My S, their GF hardly ever sees them, paternal GM has never seen them but that is her choice.
I send presents, money into the older one’s bank, I have not been given details about the younger one and not once have I received any thank you.
I shall carry on but not with a willing heart, only because I think children are not to blame.
My GS is in my will and I can’t decide how to deal with that.
He doesn’t know so if I take him out it isn’t an issue.Did this all happen years ago, I can’t recall a single case.

I have one of those … if it was up to her, she would have cut me out of her life altogether.
Unfortunately, her own mother “hates” her mother (d.i.l’s gm) …..no reason given . So much angst ….
I feel sorry for my son - for the sake of his little girls, he has to keep quiet.

We had one of these. Thank god she is now an ex-dil but she continues to make life as difficult as possible. The children are now teenagers and her controlling behaviour towards them is appalling.
I'm not sure if I hate her but I do despise her and I honestly believe that if she vanished off the face of the earth it would be better in the long-term for everyone - especially the children

TerriBull

I don't know what's worse entitled grandparents who want a 2nd shot of parenting vicariously with the desire to appropriate gc all to themselves or parents who load up their own parents with onerous child minding duties. A round trip of 6 hours for a day's child minding is absolutely ridiculous

Agreed, There are 2 sides here.

Why would anyone drive 6 hours to child mind, do sons housework, give substantial money and DIY ? Answer: GPs pushed in.

Please quit, wait for your son to bring the children round.

I have a situation where I fear I will never see my two now teenage GDs in person again.
Our son moved to Australia many years ago, met a lovely woman who was in fact a wonderful DiL, we visited a few times when the GDs were little, but then he cheated on her and they got divorced. Since the divorce our son has been as bad at being a reliable dad as he was at being a husband, our DiL has now remarried and we only get to see our GDs on zoom every now and again and they are itching to go every time, which is understandable. We will not be able to fly out there again since my DH had a massive stroke and needs full time care and we are not holding our breath to see if our son flies home with them. He didn’t even fly home when his dad was critically ill in hospital, though he few to Ireland for a mates wedding a few months before without even letting us know.
Our daughters are regularly at odds with him but we try to keep in touch though is always us calling him.
So I know how this hurts but from a different angle.

Funnily enough we have just decided to change our Will, it will bypass the parents and go straight to the kids.
Also stopped paying into the kids bank accounts each month and buying their shoes. If we are not family or good grandparents then we stop with the good stuff!

FWIW my son has a very well paid job and they live in a large house with acres of land. They are not struggling financially

Grandad is semi retired (works 3 days a week) I work full time. She’ll never go back to work - she can’t bear being told what to do! This was just a plan to kick off big time so she can now play the victim.

Hugs

I never said my son is weak I said he is a people pleaser, two very different things.

GP's pushed in oh that's a good one Norah.

They moved with my sons job but it was also back to her home area (Scotland) - he could have stayed in the region with multiple job offers but she insisted that being in Scotland would give them a better lifestyle.

We have considered moving nearer several times in the past 5 years but we have a life and good jobs where we are.

They have a cottage on their land that we talked about converting for us to live in. Her response was to make it clear that if we did we had to understand that we would be there to help out only and she wouldn’t be happy if we took holidays and couldn’t be there for childcare.
She really is a piece of work!

We didn’t commit to anything re housework and for the first 5 years they lived closer (1.5 hours away) but whenever we went round and heaven forbid asked if we could take GC’s out the response “we want all their memories to include mummy and daddy” so we’d traipse behind them with gritted teeth!
Once they moved we would go for the weekend but stay in a cottage nearby; very conscious that 4 children under 10 is chaos so would help out as much as we could.

TerfGran

We didn’t commit to anything re housework and for the first 5 years they lived closer (1.5 hours away) but whenever we went round and heaven forbid asked if we could take GC’s out the response “we want all their memories to include mummy and daddy” so we’d traipse behind them with gritted teeth!
Once they moved we would go for the weekend but stay in a cottage nearby; very conscious that 4 children under 10 is chaos so would help out as much as we could.

Your DiL sounds like a very possessive parent, insisting that all your GCs memories should include herself and your son. Sounds like a very deep seated insecurity.
In any case this could come back to bite her when the children are older and find her attitude doesn’t chime with their need for sone independence. The simple fact is that children need the love and support of other family members, it prepares them for a world in which they can one day establish their own circle of friends or partners who who will love and support them.
Some ACs seem to be hell bent upon alienating their immediate family which is the daftest thing I have ever heard and totally counterproductive. So what if a DiL doesn’t like her in laws? They are family and the GCs should not have to forfeit a relationship with grandparents because of this silliness. There are ways to keep each other at arms length, no need for ACs to be so hostile about it.

Norah

TerriBull

I don't know what's worse entitled grandparents who want a 2nd shot of parenting vicariously with the desire to appropriate gc all to themselves or parents who load up their own parents with onerous child minding duties. A round trip of 6 hours for a day's child minding is absolutely ridiculous

Agreed, There are 2 sides here.

Why would anyone drive 6 hours to child mind, do sons housework, give substantial money and DIY ? Answer: GPs pushed in.

Please quit, wait for your son to bring the children round.

Or it might just be that the ACs are over entitled tantrum throwers?

They asked the OP to do this, not the other way round. 6 hours?

I’d laugh and tell them to do one. 🙄

I'm so sorry for you and I don't know how you get past these feelings.
You are not alone .
I don't hate my daughter in law because I believe that she's neurodivergent .
Apart from looking unkempt she has problems with personal hygiene .
She has no interest in people
unless they are useful to her and even then you don't get thanked .
This includes babysitting and cleaning the house ,which is unbelievably filthy.
The fact that you don't live nearby and have other commitments is lost on her .
Neither do you get thanked for gifts .
Phone calls and messages - even emergency ones are ignored .
She is extremely disrespectful towards her elderly widowed father .
My sadness is the fact that my son has become hostile and unpleasant since he met her.

Boundaries are important in any relationship, people must be taught to respect you.

Also stopped paying into the kids bank accounts each month and buying their shoes. If we are not family or good grandparents then we stop with the good stuff!

Your relationship with your grandchildren shouldn't be transactional. They have done nothing wrong but it is them you are punishing in the short term.

It is difficult to comment on your DIL without her side of the story but my sister and I were chatting about how much more easier it seems for younger people to go no contact. Obviously not in every case but it seems to be the go to answer these days. My sister's children have gone NC for quite a while but one of them is gradually starting to communicate. I am glad for my sister's sake but there are things I can see from the AC's side so it is difficult.
My DIL fell out with my mother and somehow I got caught up in the crossfire even though I stuck up for my DIL. She was obviously going through a difficult time as her mother had died. My son let it carry on for a while so she felt supported by him but when it just went on, he pointed out that her family had their moments when they were angry with him but he respected their position in her life and wanted the same respect for his family. Nowadays you wouldn't recognise that fracture and I am her go to person if she needs support when my son is unavailable. I was so grateful for my son's help in this matter and proud of his support for his wife too.

Unfortunately DiLs like that are perfectly capable of withholding/destroying gifts from GPs they've excluded. It happened to a best friend. Tge GC, now adult, have been turned against the GM, who has now disinherited them.
It's a tragic situation

icanhandthemback Also stopped paying into the kids bank accounts each month and buying their shoes. If we are not family or good grandparents then we stop with the good stuff!

Your relationship with your grandchildren shouldn't be transactional. They have done nothing wrong but it is them you are punishing in the short term.

I agree. We give because we want to, not to receive back.

Quite the same as helping clean or childcare merely because one wishes, not intruding in AC time with their children.

Esmay

I'm so sorry for you and I don't know how you get past these feelings.
You are not alone .
I don't hate my daughter in law because I believe that she's neurodivergent .
Apart from looking unkempt she has problems with personal hygiene .
She has no interest in people
unless they are useful to her and even then you don't get thanked .
This includes babysitting and cleaning the house ,which is unbelievably filthy.
The fact that you don't live nearby and have other commitments is lost on her .
Neither do you get thanked for gifts .
Phone calls and messages - even emergency ones are ignored .
She is extremely disrespectful towards her elderly widowed father .
My sadness is the fact that my son has become hostile and unpleasant since he met her.

Your DiL may be unkempt and have problems with personla hygiene and so on, but I see no reason why this should have anything to do with whether she is neurodivergent or not.

We are a neurodivergent family. DS and I were diagnosed with dyspraxia in the 1980s, we two plus DGS also have ADHD. None of us has gross personal habits, nor are houses filthy or any of the problems you mentioned.

Plenty of families are like this who have no form of neurodivergence at all.

It is bad enough that neurodivergence has become fashionable recently. I read this week that some families 'aspire' to having at least one neurodivergent child, autism is the most desired form withoutit being assumed we are slatterns as well.

She sounds like a horribly spoilt and manipulative awful person.

I honestly think your son should grow a pair though and who cares if she cries, she’ll soon realise in the real world we all have to negotiate and meet people half way.

Most good relationships are built on compromise.

I’d invite them both over, with their children, for lunch or dinner or even overnight and explain very calmly and directly why driving 6 hours a day to provide childcare for her just isn’t feasible, it doesn’t mean you love your DGC any less.

If she refuses to come, ask you son to come alone with his children.

Failing this, just keep things very casual, call your son once a week and keep the chat light and just see how things go.