I hate my DIL and I don’t say that lightly!

Sadly your DIL has stopped you from continuing a good relationship with your grandchildren and your son has supported her
I think changing your will was entirely appropiate. I would do likewise without mentioning to anyone and appoint my lawyer as executor.
I hope happier times lie ahead for you.

I imagine that your DL isn't a complete fool which leads me to ask why would she suggest a 6 hour plus drive to look after her child for a day. Seems to me she's done this deliberately knowing you would have to refuse and then she has an opportunity to throw her toys out of the pram and effectively banish you from her life.
I do wonder why she asked your dh to look after the child and not you or both of you. has there been a previous falling out with you?
It's a very sad situation but unless your DS man's up and tells her to behave herself there doesn't seem to be a solution. Has she now made alternative arrangements so she can go back to work? If not, you could maybe suggest you would consider going up the day before and staying overnight - only of course if you are prepared to do so and only if she does the extra work to accommodate your stay.

I fell out with my mother in law, big time. When our baby was born I insisted my husband took him to see grandma as I would never use a child to hurt someone. I am baffled how anyone can stop decent loving grandparents from seeing their grand children. Memories are not just confined to mum and dad.

Quercus

Tell them (calmly and quietly) that you plan to change your wills unless you are included in the children's lives as their GPs, and that you intend to leave your assets to a charity. OK it is manipulative but no more so than DIL's tactics and behaviour. But be prepared for it not to work.

Good suggestion 👍

We do seem to have a growing section of adult children who are very entitled. I am sure we are partly responsible for this, by being over generous with our time and money. When our children were young we were so grateful for an evening or afternoon of babysitting! Now the expectation is 2.5 days of full childcare, two weeks in summer holidays, 4 days of weekend' stopovers. We do it because we love both our children and grandchildren, DIL sometimes not so much. The more we have given, the more some of them seem to want (demand). I have been lucky. My grandchildren and children knew that what Nana says goes when with me. None of this rubbish of ' you must only feed them organic meat/fruit/veg etc. Obviously if a GC has an allergy I would strictly adhere to it, but if I wanted to treat my gc to a brownie at Starbucks I do. My children fully understand that what they receive in free childcare is worth it's weight in gold, and they would not dream of dictating to me.

Barbadosbelle

Norah

I'm baffled. If the family are well off, with a large house and a good income then why on earth would they need the grandparents to buy their children's shoes?!! Or indeed enable them to do so?
.

Because they wished to give a gift of shoes. I didn't say they had to buy shoes. However, my idea is one gives to give, not to receive back.

Not transactional.

I think you have to look after yourselves above anything else. It’s hard not seeing the grandchildren as I’m in a situation where I live 10 minutes from mine. The DIL prefers her own mother to travel a two hour return journey rather than let me and my wife look after our grandchildren. Our DIL is a control freak and unfortunately she can’t control us but she can her own mother. We still see the grandchildren but not as often as we used simply because our DIL can’t get her own way. Grandchildren are great but you can’t allow yourself to be beaten or manipulated because you say no. The priority has to be your own well-being and happiness. Unfortunately there are people who use children as tools to beat you with. In our case we have just set our own boundaries with our DIL and we are far happier and in control of our own lives. You simply can’t change these people and they are not worth your time. Move on.

Thanks ViceVersa 👍

Barbadosbelle

Allsorts

Do read the posts before commenting.

The DiL isnt working. The OP states quite clearly that she's a SAHM.
.

Some of us are unaware of what a SAHM is, thankfully someone has now cleared that up, as a new member to the site I have managed to work out what most abbreviations stand for, but it would be nice if someone at the beginning of such a thread made this clear. Of course we could always ask but I have found that posts quite often get ignored so that doesn’t always work.

MOnica

Sadly it does seem that some people (not you) seem to consider conditions like ADHD to be some kind of bmBadge of Honour.
.

Allsorts

Do read the posts before commenting.

The DiL isnt working. The OP states quite clearly that she's a SAHM.
.

Norah

I'm baffled. If the family are well off, with a large house and a good income then why on earth would they need the grandparents to buy their children's shoes?!! Or indeed enable them to do so?
.

If she’s been a SAHM surely those four “amazing” grandchildren have their mum to thank as do you.
You might have got a DIL who took no interest in her children and they might be neglected and not even average instead of amazing!
Then you might have something to moan about !

TerfGran. So sorry to hear about your awful DIL. She sounds like a nightmare!
Excuse my ignorance but what does SAHM mean? 🤪

I would like to answer your question from a different angle.

I doubt you can change either your DIL or your son, as you cannot change other adults, and especially because you have put up with a lot of unreasonable demands from this young couple for many years.

I do understand why you feel you hate your DIL, but hate is destructive - not to her, but to you. Your DIL is not bothered if she sees you and your husband or not, nor does she apparently feel that her children should see their grandparents, or her husband his parents.

You cannot change this, whatever you do.

Your son either cannot or will not stand up to his wife. You cannot change that either.

What you and your husband CAN do is to write a letter to your son and daughter-in-law, saying kindly that you regret that the fact that you are unable to help with the child-care they need apparently has led to your not seeing them and their children at all. Add that they are welcome at any time to ring and ask if they may visit you, and if you and they can find a time that suits, they will be very welcome. The same applies if they prefer for your son and the children to visit without your DIL.

Finish by saying that you hope you all can put this disagreement behind you.

Then sit down with your husband and discuss what the pair of you want to do together in your retirement, and whether you each have separate interests.

Use this time to do things you have always wanted to, rather than centreing it on your son and his family. None of us know how long we are going to live, or be in good health, so enjoy this time, while you are still together.

gransruleok

Am I the only gransnetter that doesn’t know what an “SAHM” is?

Stay At Home Mum

Do they have a spare room so you could, say, arrive on a Monday evening and stay for the childcare days and then go home? Personally, sounds like dil isn't very keen to get a job and is making it impossible so she can blame someone else for not stepping up as a wage earner. I wonder if offering to stay over would break the deadlock? We always crash on our son's sofas when we visit to do DIY but we're always more than welcome and offered the bed (we decline as he's still working and needs to rest as much as we do).

Am I the only gransnetter that doesn’t know what an “SAHM” is?

Cossy just keep things very casual, call your son once a week and keep the chat light and just see how things go.

Brilliant!

That does NOT mean accepting her appalling behaviour though!! precisely Madgran and being a loving and supportive husband doesn't mean accepting it either.

Very sise post madeleine

Surely you should accept your DIL as your sons choice Hes not asking you to live with her

That does NOT mean accepting her appalling behaviour tbough!! .

I'm not talking overnight visitors, just to be clear!

We had 3 daughters, they were never allowed to bring boyfriends home...

We took the opposite approach: our daughter and sons were allowed to bring home any friends they wanted.
They held lots of teenage parties at our house, we preferred to know where they were.
Quite a few came on holiday with us over the years.
My theory was if they didn't fit in with the family, they probably weren't a good prospect!

I misunderstood- thanks for putting me right- either way the kids come first.