I hate my DIL and I don’t say that lightly!

gransruleok

Am I the only gransnetter that doesn’t know what an “SAHM” is?

Stay At Home Mum

I would like to answer your question from a different angle.

I doubt you can change either your DIL or your son, as you cannot change other adults, and especially because you have put up with a lot of unreasonable demands from this young couple for many years.

I do understand why you feel you hate your DIL, but hate is destructive - not to her, but to you. Your DIL is not bothered if she sees you and your husband or not, nor does she apparently feel that her children should see their grandparents, or her husband his parents.

You cannot change this, whatever you do.

Your son either cannot or will not stand up to his wife. You cannot change that either.

What you and your husband CAN do is to write a letter to your son and daughter-in-law, saying kindly that you regret that the fact that you are unable to help with the child-care they need apparently has led to your not seeing them and their children at all. Add that they are welcome at any time to ring and ask if they may visit you, and if you and they can find a time that suits, they will be very welcome. The same applies if they prefer for your son and the children to visit without your DIL.

Finish by saying that you hope you all can put this disagreement behind you.

Then sit down with your husband and discuss what the pair of you want to do together in your retirement, and whether you each have separate interests.

Use this time to do things you have always wanted to, rather than centreing it on your son and his family. None of us know how long we are going to live, or be in good health, so enjoy this time, while you are still together.

TerfGran. So sorry to hear about your awful DIL. She sounds like a nightmare!
Excuse my ignorance but what does SAHM mean? 🤪

If she’s been a SAHM surely those four “amazing” grandchildren have their mum to thank as do you.
You might have got a DIL who took no interest in her children and they might be neglected and not even average instead of amazing!
Then you might have something to moan about !

Norah

I'm baffled. If the family are well off, with a large house and a good income then why on earth would they need the grandparents to buy their children's shoes?!! Or indeed enable them to do so?
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Allsorts

Do read the posts before commenting.

The DiL isnt working. The OP states quite clearly that she's a SAHM.
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MOnica

Sadly it does seem that some people (not you) seem to consider conditions like ADHD to be some kind of bmBadge of Honour.
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Barbadosbelle

Allsorts

Do read the posts before commenting.

The DiL isnt working. The OP states quite clearly that she's a SAHM.
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Some of us are unaware of what a SAHM is, thankfully someone has now cleared that up, as a new member to the site I have managed to work out what most abbreviations stand for, but it would be nice if someone at the beginning of such a thread made this clear. Of course we could always ask but I have found that posts quite often get ignored so that doesn’t always work.

Thanks ViceVersa 👍

I think you have to look after yourselves above anything else. It’s hard not seeing the grandchildren as I’m in a situation where I live 10 minutes from mine. The DIL prefers her own mother to travel a two hour return journey rather than let me and my wife look after our grandchildren. Our DIL is a control freak and unfortunately she can’t control us but she can her own mother. We still see the grandchildren but not as often as we used simply because our DIL can’t get her own way. Grandchildren are great but you can’t allow yourself to be beaten or manipulated because you say no. The priority has to be your own well-being and happiness. Unfortunately there are people who use children as tools to beat you with. In our case we have just set our own boundaries with our DIL and we are far happier and in control of our own lives. You simply can’t change these people and they are not worth your time. Move on.

Barbadosbelle

Norah

I'm baffled. If the family are well off, with a large house and a good income then why on earth would they need the grandparents to buy their children's shoes?!! Or indeed enable them to do so?
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Because they wished to give a gift of shoes. I didn't say they had to buy shoes. However, my idea is one gives to give, not to receive back.

Not transactional.

We do seem to have a growing section of adult children who are very entitled. I am sure we are partly responsible for this, by being over generous with our time and money. When our children were young we were so grateful for an evening or afternoon of babysitting! Now the expectation is 2.5 days of full childcare, two weeks in summer holidays, 4 days of weekend' stopovers. We do it because we love both our children and grandchildren, DIL sometimes not so much. The more we have given, the more some of them seem to want (demand). I have been lucky. My grandchildren and children knew that what Nana says goes when with me. None of this rubbish of ' you must only feed them organic meat/fruit/veg etc. Obviously if a GC has an allergy I would strictly adhere to it, but if I wanted to treat my gc to a brownie at Starbucks I do. My children fully understand that what they receive in free childcare is worth it's weight in gold, and they would not dream of dictating to me.

Quercus

Tell them (calmly and quietly) that you plan to change your wills unless you are included in the children's lives as their GPs, and that you intend to leave your assets to a charity. OK it is manipulative but no more so than DIL's tactics and behaviour. But be prepared for it not to work.

Good suggestion 👍

I fell out with my mother in law, big time. When our baby was born I insisted my husband took him to see grandma as I would never use a child to hurt someone. I am baffled how anyone can stop decent loving grandparents from seeing their grand children. Memories are not just confined to mum and dad.

I imagine that your DL isn't a complete fool which leads me to ask why would she suggest a 6 hour plus drive to look after her child for a day. Seems to me she's done this deliberately knowing you would have to refuse and then she has an opportunity to throw her toys out of the pram and effectively banish you from her life.
I do wonder why she asked your dh to look after the child and not you or both of you. has there been a previous falling out with you?
It's a very sad situation but unless your DS man's up and tells her to behave herself there doesn't seem to be a solution. Has she now made alternative arrangements so she can go back to work? If not, you could maybe suggest you would consider going up the day before and staying overnight - only of course if you are prepared to do so and only if she does the extra work to accommodate your stay.

Sadly your DIL has stopped you from continuing a good relationship with your grandchildren and your son has supported her
I think changing your will was entirely appropiate. I would do likewise without mentioning to anyone and appoint my lawyer as executor.
I hope happier times lie ahead for you.

Totally agree with Swampy1961!Say you've had a rethink and' If they could drop said GC off you would be delighted to help!' Big smile😄 Could grandhild stay over and be collected following day? Just a thought

No idea 🤷

InRainbows

Boundaries are important in any relationship, people must be taught to respect you.

When I was pregnant with our oldest child, both my mother and my mother in law said that they were too tired from being parents/grandparents and I should never ask them to baby-sit for me.

Well, why did they bitch about me not asking??

They set a boundary, I complied.

Barbos, your rebuke noted, but did you read it? The post was partlly about the fact of child cover one day a week when Dil proposes returning to work. Why would anyone do a six hour journey to do housework so a mother could play with her children? It is baffling to put it kindly.

AuntieE, very good pits, it says it all. As for a mother whose son is married with a wife and children saying move area because she cannot bear to be parted that's not likely to go down well with son or dil. You bring them up, then they move out and make their own lives, hopefully you can be part of it but you are not central anymore.

I am that mother.

I travel 3 miles at 7am to give my grandchildren their breakfast and take them to school. I pick one up at 12.30pm and the other at 3.15pm. I play a big part in their upbringing around my son and daughter-in-law's working hours and I love it.

It goes down very well with my son and daughter-in-law 😉.

I’m sure you’ve thought of it already but it’s worth putting in the Will that any money should be held in a Trust until the grandchildren are xx age. My SIL did this because her daughter was an unpleasant/spiteful woman and we all knew she’d try and get her hands on any inheritance that was left to GC.

Understand your dilemma. I knew by certain things that had happened my dil was going to be trouble. We now have taken control by contact no conflict she knows the gran kids won’t be held up to us by ransom. I feel I have taken back control.

Unfortunately we have done this for 11 years. We have smiled and nodded with all her batshit ideas, supported her when she has fallen out with various relatives on her side and dropped everything to go and look after the children when she’s had a migraine. I have taken time off work to go run her and the children around when her car was in the garage for a week. I have taken time off work to clean the house in preparation for moving (twice).

My son is run ragged with his job (consultant at a large hospital) and is often on call or has to work late with emergencies, but the minute he’s home he takes over completely with the children (as he should). So I do appreciate they have a busy life. But they chose to live away from family and they chose to have 4 children, and she chose to be a sahm.

Not once have they offered to help us, when my husband has had two heart attacks. When I was laid up with a cartilage transplant in my knee.

So quite frankly I’m done!