Forums for estranged adult children

If she is Smileless I cannot see what she would get out of it. Your son became a different man with her and yes she has him and the children to herself. You have made a different and full life and are happy. Some people just suck the life out of you. You miss them as much as piles.

I wouldn't be at all surprised to see our ES's wife here Allsorts; that's if she hasn't been on already .

My daughter would never be on here as she knows for her she
has made the right decision and never doubts herself. Bet she never gives me a second though. Maybe those who have slight doubts or feel a bit guilty might post. If anyone, parent or child, wants to reconnect, do it today, life is too short to hang about.

DogWhisperer

IssendaiAcolyte

DogWhisperer

IssendaiAcolyte, you post quite a lot so does this apply to you? Are you one of those children who has been unable to move on? Would you be willing to share your estrangement story with us?

I don't care to share my story.

You have been very generous with your advice on other people's stories, you have let us know where we are going wrong, and we are very grateful to you for that, so we would like to reciprocate that generosity. If you could tell us yours and your parents' versions of the story, maybe we could help you to see where you are going wrong? Maybe even vote on which story is most plausible?

I haven't gone wrong anywhere. Even if it were somehow possible, it's not my responsibility to fix my stunted parents (although I have foolishly tried before to no avail).

A vote is not needed, as I can tell you're just itching for an opportunity to invalidate my (estranged child's) perspective.

For distancing oneself yes, for estrangement no Summerlove not for the parents who love, cared for and supported me.

Parents don't hold a disproportionate amount of power when their children become adults; it's the opposite.

Parents have the power to stop their parents seeing their GC; the ultimate misuse of power when it's done out of spite. That's why we see here on GN time and time again, GP's worried that if they don't or stop providing child care or are unable or unwilling to help financially, they'll be stopped from seeing their GC.

An estranged child wouldn't necessarily change course and come back into contact if they weren't actually happier with their decision. They may feel that having treated their parents so badly they have no right to do so. They may feel that there's a possibility their parents wouldn't want to re connect and don't want to know for certain by being rejected. Their parents may have died.

Being estranged by your own child who you love is pain and grief that will never fully go away and yet I have never here on GN or the few closed forums for EP's I've been on, seen the language DogWhisperer referred too used by EP's about their children. I have seen it from links provided usually to Reddit and from other sources provided by EAC, being used by some who have estranged.

The question as to why EAC continue to verbally abuse the parents they've estranged either directly or on EAC forums is often asked but never really answered eddie.

IA said in an earlier post that his/her bias is for the AC in estrangement situations Maremia. As you rightly point out, coercive control from an AC's partner/husband/wife is not the fault or responsibility of the parents who become estranged because of it.

When that has been discussed before here on GN, there have been responses that anyone who ends up in an abusive relationship does so because they had an abusive childhood so for them, abuse is 'normal'.

Unbelievable I know but true.

Smileless2012

^There's a good reason trump himself said he loves the poorly educated and that smart people don't like him^ so in terms of this discussion about estrangement, it's perfectly acceptable to estrange parents who may well have done their best for their children, who love and supported them but are poorly educated .

A great post DogWhisperer . I completely agree that using voting for Trump when considering reasons for estrangement is far too black and white. As you say it's possible to vote for Trump without being a monster and I agree that it's completely wrong for children to estrange their parents on this basis.

I don’t feel it’s a strong black and white situation, but do you not feel an extreme difference in morals and values could be a valid reason for distancing ones self?

Thank you for your response.
I feel that it is not always the parents' fault, and I give the example of the crime of 'coercive control' where there is a deliberate attempt to estrange the victim from the family and friends.
I also believe that there are people who are 'difficult' parents, and that there are other unrelated people who are 'difficult' offspring.
It is my unprofessional opinion that each 'case' be judged on its merits. I don't automatically believe the parents, just as I don't automatically believe the offspring.

IssendaiAcolyte

DogWhisperer

IssendaiAcolyte, you post quite a lot so does this apply to you? Are you one of those children who has been unable to move on? Would you be willing to share your estrangement story with us?

I don't care to share my story.

You have been very generous with your advice on other people's stories, you have let us know where we are going wrong, and we are very grateful to you for that, so we would like to reciprocate that generosity. If you could tell us yours and your parents' versions of the story, maybe we could help you to see where you are going wrong? Maybe even vote on which story is most plausible?

Maremia

Simple question. Is it your opinion that it's always the parents to blame?

Can't say always but it's probably more often than not since parents hold a disproportionate amount of power for the majority of the relationship with their child.

I will say that my estranged parents believe my version of events are also wildly exaggerated, unfair, untrue or all of the above; while to me they are just simply reality. And that that mismatch is the main reason estrangement is the correct choice for me.

If they were able to agree with my reality than there would at least be a possibility for reconciliation, but alas, preserving their egos is more important to them (whether its done consciously or subconsciously I'm not entirely sure).

Simple question. Is it your opinion that it's always the parents to blame?

DogWhisperer

*IssendaiAcolyte*, you post quite a lot so does this apply to you? Are you one of those children who has been unable to move on? Would you be willing to share your estrangement story with us?

I don't care to share my story.

Maremia

And what about 'coercive control' estrangement?
The abuser is to blame, not the parents. And so, it is not always the parents who are at fault.

You're not making any sense. Eddie didn't mention moving on, she asked if they were happier. You can be happier/better off without having moved on.

And if someone was actually estranged due to coercive control, I doubt they are persistently verbally abusing their estranged parents.

IssendaiAcolyte, you post quite a lot so does this apply to you? Are you one of those children who has been unable to move on? Would you be willing to share your estrangement story with us?

And what about 'coercive control' estrangement?
The abuser is to blame, not the parents. And so, it is not always the parents who are at fault.

'Why do they persist?' asks eddie. If they had 'moved on' there would be no need.
Good enough point for me.

Maremia

Good point eddiecat78.They haven't 'moved on'.

How is it a good point? Wouldn't the estranged child reverse course and come back into contact if they weren't actually happier with their decision?

I don't see where DogWhisperer's estranged daughter persisted in verbally abusing her, but even if she were, it's because having parents worth estranging is a type of pain and grief that will never fully go away. Especially when the norm is to be born to parents not worth estranging.

Good point eddiecat78.They haven't 'moved on'.

If these estranged children really are happier without their parents why do they persist in verbally abusing them?

DogWhisperer, your adult child is capable of making her own decisions, and she decided her life is better off without you; regardless if her stories felt wildly exaggerated, unfair, untrue or all of the above to you.

Has her life become worse since she decided to estrange? Considering she hasn't changed her mind in years, I would assume not.

mum2three

I can understand how helpful it can be to be able to discuss problems you have, whether it's family, parents or anyone else.
However some sites can make things worse by encouraging people to dwell on past hurts. This doesn't help them to deal with problems and move on with their lives.
I think I have mentioned before that my daughter was telling all sorts of lies at school about what a bad mother I was. I only found out by chance and don't know the full extent of her lies.
I don't know how it all started but, knowing her, it was probably some trivial thing which she related and enjoyed the sympathy and attention she got, and decided to make things up. She is no longer part of my life, which I think is more her loss than mine.

We got a similar shock when we discovered some of our daughter's posts about us on social media, in particular, the Reddit estranged children's forums. Everything she said was wildly exaggerated, unfair, untrue or all of the above. In other circumstances it might have been almost funny, because what child doesn't complain about their parents and teachers? - it's part of growing up. However, she was egged on by other forum members with comments like "your mother's a bitch", "tell her to f**k off", "you didn't ask to be born, you don't owe her anything" (where have I heard that before?) and the outcome was, she took that advice, estranged herself, and that's the last we heard from her, apart from a single email asking for her passport. That was six years ago.
So these EAK forums aren't just kids harmlessly letting off steam online, they can have really damaging effects in the real world.

I can understand how helpful it can be to be able to discuss problems you have, whether it's family, parents or anyone else.
However some sites can make things worse by encouraging people to dwell on past hurts. This doesn't help them to deal with problems and move on with their lives.
I think I have mentioned before that my daughter was telling all sorts of lies at school about what a bad mother I was. I only found out by chance and don't know the full extent of her lies.
I don't know how it all started but, knowing her, it was probably some trivial thing which she related and enjoyed the sympathy and attention she got, and decided to make things up. She is no longer part of my life, which I think is more her loss than mine.

Think of the cases of 'coercive control'.
One of the ploys is to estrange the victim from, mostly, her family.
That subsequent estrangement cannot be blamed on the parents.