Forums for estranged adult children

There are none so blind as those who choose not to see.

As I've already said InRainbows I have no experience of forums for AC who've estranged abusive parents but the links from Reddit that have been posted on GN over the years in the main, have not shown that victims are seeking to avoid becoming like their parents, they have been as described by the OP.

We should be worried about anyone who has experienced and continues to experience abuse who doesn't recognise it remove themselves from it and seek support.

Smileless2012

^there likely won't even be anything to "take on the chin" as they fostered a loving and healthy home for their children^ but that isn't a guarantee of not being estranged is it IA.

Not all who estrange came from dysfunctional, abusive, toxic family environments due to narcissistic parents.

Interesting that you say most children of narcissists have a hyper-fragile ego as that is a narcissistic trait which as well as not providing coping mechanisms to deal with being imperfect and/or making mistakes, is also a core feature of a covert or vulnerable narcissist.

Of course it's better to support victim of abuse InRainbows; asking questions is not being unsupportive.

Our reasons for having children was the same as yours and I would think for the majority of parents.

I would like to address this. Would it be fair to say that some children coming from homes with an abuser of this type come out the same or similar and some do not? In that case would the existence of support forums show that victims are seeking to avoid becoming like their parents? Should we not be more worried about those who experienced abusive upbringings who don't recognise that, remove themselves from it and seek support to heal?

Others on here would heartily disagree which they're entitled to do IA.

You named two posters IA who are expressing their opinions and not a majority opinion held by parents posting on this thread and there was nothing empty about the answer I gave to InRainbows question. I can see though that it doesn't fit with your view that the majority of parents believe parents are owed something by their children.

"Of course children owe nothing to their parents."

Others on here would heartily disagree.

Our reasons for having children was the same as yours and I would think for the majority of parents.

Rainbows was disagreeing with the majority opinion (see DogWhisperer and fancythat) that children owe something to their parents.

Of course children owe nothing to their parents.

Regardless, children 'owing' is not in the link, is it?

Smileless2012

I answered InRainbows question which was For what reasons did others have children IA.

You obtusely deflected from discussing the heart of the matter, the notion that children owe something to their parents (which is a majority opinion held by parents posting on this thread), by offering an empty answer.

Smileless2012

Why do you think fancythat requires a 2000 year old book to figure out morality IA?

Are we in the same reality, on the same forum, on the same thread, reading the same posts? If so, I'm confused by your reasoning, or lack thereof.

fancythat verbatim said:

"No idea where you get your moral values from.
It isnt the Bible and God.
You appear to have made them up."

Which directly implies that her sole source for morality is the bible, which is a 2000 year old book. Is that not clear?

I answered InRainbows question which was For what reasons did others have children IA.

Smileless2012

^there likely won't even be anything to "take on the chin" as they fostered a loving and healthy home for their children^ but that isn't a guarantee of not being estranged is it IA.

Not all who estrange came from dysfunctional, abusive, toxic family environments due to narcissistic parents.

Interesting that you say most children of narcissists have a hyper-fragile ego as that is a narcissistic trait which as well as not providing coping mechanisms to deal with being imperfect and/or making mistakes, is also a core feature of a covert or vulnerable narcissist.

Of course it's better to support victim of abuse InRainbows; asking questions is not being unsupportive.

Our reasons for having children was the same as yours and I would think for the majority of parents.

"Our reasons for having children was the same as yours and I would think for the majority of parents."

Rainbows was disagreeing with the majority opinion (see DogWhisperer and fancythat) that children owe something to their parents.

Why do you think fancythat requires a 2000 year old book to figure out morality IA?

Sorry, I don't believe in made up fairy tales for grown ups, especially not as an authority on morality.

If you require a 2000 year old book to figure out morality than I will do my version of praying for you.

I dont recognise your name on this forum.
So think I will leave things there.

Children don't owe their parents anything for many reasons.

Oh they do.
Very much so. Again, Biblical.

IssendaiAcolyte

fancythat

Summerlove

and kids are encouraged to estrange for even the most trivial reasons. "My parents voted for Donald Trump" is a common one

First of all these are adults. Not kids, not children. Adults.
Secondly, someone who voted for Donald Trump and I do not have the same values or morals, so family or not I would certainly distance myself from them emotionally. Hardly trivial.

Regarding swearing, if it’s allowed on a forum, who cares? Not swearing doesn’t make someone a better more moral person.

Your second point.
Crumbs.
If I started distancing myself from a person who voted differently from me, family or not, that would lessen the amount of loving people in my life considerably. No thanks.

last sentence.
Yes it does!

Swearing is part of the natural English language, it can be used to accurately convey strong feelings and emotions (like the everlasting pain of unfortunately being born to adults who utterly betrayed or foregone their parental duties).

Voting for Hitleresque figures is not natural or normal and is absolutely immoral. Reducing it to a simple "difference in voting" is not a good-faith argument. It's not a difference of opinion about tax policy anymore; it's now whether entire groups of people deserve to live freely or not.

Swearing - anti Bible. Hence immoral.

And now, in your second paragraph, you have equated "wrong" voting to immorality.
That is not against the Bible!

No idea where you get your moral values from.
It isnt the Bible and God.
You appear to have made them up.

there likely won't even be anything to "take on the chin" as they fostered a loving and healthy home for their children but that isn't a guarantee of not being estranged is it IA.

Not all who estrange came from dysfunctional, abusive, toxic family environments due to narcissistic parents.

Interesting that you say most children of narcissists have a hyper-fragile ego as that is a narcissistic trait which as well as not providing coping mechanisms to deal with being imperfect and/or making mistakes, is also a core feature of a covert or vulnerable narcissist.

Of course it's better to support victim of abuse InRainbows; asking questions is not being unsupportive.

Our reasons for having children was the same as yours and I would think for the majority of parents.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Those concerns do exist in that forum. Wouldn't it be so much better to support the victims of abuse instead of questioning them. As a mother myself I believe I am owed nothing back. I had children because I wanted to and felt they would enrich my life. For what reason did others have children?

As you've posted DogWhisperer we didn't ask to be born etc is a familiar statement from EAC. An interesting link to the Philosophy Forum.

So IA, if parents play a huge role in whether or not their child is a narcissist, why do we not see any EAC who claim their parents are narcissists, accepting that they themselves maybe a narcissist too which may have contributed to them estranging?

Should those AC be concerned that in turn they may play a huge role in their own children being a narcissist or are we to believe/assume that they somehow magically avoid doing so?

What about the d.i.l. for example who claims one or both of her in laws is a narcissist; does that mean that she has inadvertently married a narcissist?

I hope for the sake of those AC who don't believe they owe their parents anything, regardless of how good those parents have been, that they can 'take it on the chin' if their children feel the same way about them.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

IssendaiAcolyte

I feel like it's only natural to be biased towards the child due to the inherent power imbalance in a parent/child relationship.

For starters, the child never consented to be in the relationship in the first place.

No to that as well.

I dont think I agree with bias on anything in life.

Summerlove

*and kids are encouraged to estrange for even the most trivial reasons. "My parents voted for Donald Trump" is a common one*

First of all these are adults. Not kids, not children. Adults.
Secondly, someone who voted for Donald Trump and I do not have the same values or morals, so family or not I would certainly distance myself from them emotionally. Hardly trivial.

Regarding swearing, if it’s allowed on a forum, who cares? Not swearing doesn’t make someone a better more moral person.

Your second point.
Crumbs.
If I started distancing myself from a person who voted differently from me, family or not, that would lessen the amount of loving people in my life considerably. No thanks.

last sentence.
Yes it does!