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Mum in care home today

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Padine Wed 10-Jun-26 15:30:37

I’m sitting here fighting back the tears, don’t know where to start.
I’m the eldest of 4 (me, sister, brother and brother, sadly dead now). During my childhood my mother and sister enjoyed making fun of me, playing horrible tricks and jokes on me, leaving me out of things. I couldn’t leave home quick enough, I did at 17, have been semi-estranged to mum. Both in our 60s now, sister and I haven’t spoken in 40+ years. I have tried to mend broken bridges but she’s not interested. My brother + I have always been close -sister hadn’t a good word to say about him, often being very nasty. She has wormed her way back into his life and making it into 2 against 1.
Mum is nearly 90 and went into a care home today. None of us live near her and I dont know what is happening with financial matters.
I have a feeling sister will shut me out, tell care home not to tell me anything and cut me out.
Do you think I should phone the care home and introduce myself? Leave my contact details or not? I don’t know what to do for the best.

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MissAdventure Wed 10-Jun-26 15:49:25

Who is your mum's next of kin, and do they have power of attorney, do you know?.
If your mum has the ability to speak for herself, it will be up to her to decide who may visit, and have access to be informed of any issues, or even just to have a chat with her.

I'd phone an introduce yourself; it can't do any harm, unless you feel someone has already informed the home that you're to be excluded.

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Chocolatelovinggran Wed 10-Jun-26 15:56:39

Good advice here, MissAdventure. I hope that you find some peace with your family, Padine

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Cossy Wed 10-Jun-26 16:00:16

Yes, absolutely call the care home and introduce yourself.

Has your sister or brother applied for LPOA? If they have you should have been informed as part of the process.

Good luck

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MissAdventure Wed 10-Jun-26 16:05:20

In terms of the financial side of things, you may find it preferable to be shut out, because it has the potential to be a real headache.

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Purplepixie Wed 10-Jun-26 16:05:25

Oh I’m so sorry to hear of your troubles. You have had some great advice so far. I would certainly phone them and introduce myself. You are her daughter as well. Hugs.

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JamesandJon33 Wed 10-Jun-26 16:21:38

My aunt went into a care home ,two years ago. She never married and has no family except me. She was ill with constant UTI, didn’t eat well and was mostly sedentary. She was in hospital for a few month and then went into a care home. We live quite a way away and it could not have her to live with me as she is doubly incontinent. The change in her with proper care, company and conversation , has been marvellous to see. She is now 93.
The care home are always glad to speak to me on the phone, and when I visit. Visitors are welcomed whenever they come.
So, do speak to the care home*Padine*. They will listen and help if they can

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JamesandJon33 Wed 10-Jun-26 16:23:44

And as MissAdventure says the financial side can be fraught. I have POA and it takes up a lot of time, often at inconvenient moments.
Good luck.

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Primrose53 Wed 10-Jun-26 16:26:27

Cossy

Yes, absolutely call the care home and introduce yourself.

Has your sister or brother applied for LPOA? If they have you should have been informed as part of the process.

Good luck

If the mother does not want to inform anybody else, she doesn’t have to.

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Smileless2012 Wed 10-Jun-26 16:29:16

Hello Padine and welcome to GN.

As others have said,contact the care home, tell them who you are and give them your contact details. As MissA has said, you might be better not being involved in any financial issues.

You say you've been semi estranged from your mum so perhaps you could write to her which will let her know you're thinking of her and give her the opportunity to respond.

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Primrose53 Wed 10-Jun-26 16:31:38

Padine if your Mum has over £23,500 in savings then she will be funding it herself. If she is below this amount she will get her care paid for and will have most of her pension taken away to cover much of it.

If you want to be in contact with your Mum even though you are partially estranged then by all means introduce yourself on the phone. You may find though that if your sister has sorted POA then she may have told them that you are estranged and coming on to the scene now could upset your Mum.

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Smileless2012 Wed 10-Jun-26 16:31:45

Someone other than the one(s) being given LPOA has to be contacted to ensure there are no concerns about whose been named, but that wouldn't have to have been the OP Cossy.

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butterandjam Wed 10-Jun-26 17:27:04

Cossy

Yes, absolutely call the care home and introduce yourself.

Has your sister or brother applied for LPOA? If they have you should have been informed as part of the process.

Good luck

There is no requirement for the LPA "donor" to inform any other relatives .

On the LPA form, the donor can choose to list "persons to inform", or they can choose to leave it blank. If Mum left it blank, Padine need not be informed about the LPA,

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Smileless2012 Wed 10-Jun-26 17:29:46

Thank you butterandjam I didn't realise that could be left blank.

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Primrose53 Wed 10-Jun-26 17:45:24

butterandjam

Cossy

Yes, absolutely call the care home and introduce yourself.

Has your sister or brother applied for LPOA? If they have you should have been informed as part of the process.

Good luck

There is no requirement for the LPA "donor" to inform any other relatives .

On the LPA form, the donor can choose to list "persons to inform", or they can choose to leave it blank. If Mum left it blank, Padine need not be informed about the LPA,

Exactly what I said. Thanks.

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