Mum in care home today

Think carefully…if you want contact with your mother, contact the care home. It’s not up to your sister who they speak to. They will talk to you and you can find out more about your mums situation. Ignore your siblings if need be but someone will probably get drawn into the financial stuff and you’ll need to decide if it’s going to be you, or a joint family thing. You may also be consulted about issues at the care home if you have close contact with them. Care homes are used to family stuff going on. I had similar in my family. Except my sister then suddenly died and I was left with all the responsibilities. You need to decide how much contact you want with your mum first. Good luck.

I'm really sorry about your sad childhood .
I'm an only child and I'm shocked at the way some of my friend's siblings behave towards them. It's the human equivalent of the cuckoo syndrome-throwing siblings out of the nest.
I would have loved a brother and sister.

I'd introduce myself to the care home.
And contact your brother.
I doubt if you can smooth things over with your sister after so long .
I think that you want some kind of reconciliation after all the years and I can understand that .

Padine, How long is it since you saw your mother? I think its late in the day now to reunite with siblings, 40 years is too long.
As for mother’s financial arrangements that will be taken care of now unless you are in a position to fund it. She will most likely have a Power of Attorney in place. If you kept in touch and saw your mother, I would phone the Care Home just to introduce yourself. What is of concern is you say your mother and sister were cruel to you so whats changed there, why would you reunite. If you have been estranged from mother and not made peace in 40 years I would stay away.

I would certainly contact the care home as suggested and make quick first visit, if you can. If your mother is still capable of making her decisions, ask her whether she would like to visit regularly, and make sure member of staff is there to corroborate her answer, so that other members of the family cannot stop you visiting your mother.

After reading the tangled financial and deeply unpleasant personal relationship. I would step away from it all, let the others sort it out, deal with the problems, argue between themselves. That way if things get complicated and difficult, you will not be involved.

So visit your mother, and actively do nothing else.

As time is of the essence reconcile with your mum if you want to and I would just go straight to the care home to visit her. Speak to the staff and explain the situation, keep the visit short and easy. This is about you and your mum. Your siblings have nothing to do with that relationship and don't let old pattern rule your current self. You've got this. But, make sure you are prepared to accept a negative response from your mum if it is going to happen and you will know you have done your best.

MissAdventure

In terms of the financial side of things, you may find it preferable to be shut out, because it has the potential to be a real headache.

Yes, that and from the emotional side too.I don’t understand why you want anything to do with such an unkind Mother or Sister.

Just to add, don't feel embarrassed about telling the carehome your family circumstances - they will be very used to dealing with difficult relationships amongst siblings!

Could you phone your brother?
Surely he would know.

Then you are already prepared to speak to the home and maybe arrange a visit or telephone call with your mother?

butterandjam

Cossy

Yes, absolutely call the care home and introduce yourself.

Has your sister or brother applied for LPOA? If they have you should have been informed as part of the process.

Good luck

There is no requirement for the LPA "donor" to inform any other relatives .

On the LPA form, the donor can choose to list "persons to inform", or they can choose to leave it blank. If Mum left it blank, Padine need not be informed about the LPA,

Exactly what I said. Thanks.

Thank you butterandjam I didn't realise that could be left blank.

Cossy

Yes, absolutely call the care home and introduce yourself.

Has your sister or brother applied for LPOA? If they have you should have been informed as part of the process.

Good luck

There is no requirement for the LPA "donor" to inform any other relatives .

On the LPA form, the donor can choose to list "persons to inform", or they can choose to leave it blank. If Mum left it blank, Padine need not be informed about the LPA,

Someone other than the one(s) being given LPOA has to be contacted to ensure there are no concerns about whose been named, but that wouldn't have to have been the OP Cossy.

Padine if your Mum has over £23,500 in savings then she will be funding it herself. If she is below this amount she will get her care paid for and will have most of her pension taken away to cover much of it.

If you want to be in contact with your Mum even though you are partially estranged then by all means introduce yourself on the phone. You may find though that if your sister has sorted POA then she may have told them that you are estranged and coming on to the scene now could upset your Mum.

Hello Padine and welcome to GN.

As others have said,contact the care home, tell them who you are and give them your contact details. As MissA has said, you might be better not being involved in any financial issues.

You say you've been semi estranged from your mum so perhaps you could write to her which will let her know you're thinking of her and give her the opportunity to respond.

Cossy

Yes, absolutely call the care home and introduce yourself.

Has your sister or brother applied for LPOA? If they have you should have been informed as part of the process.

Good luck

If the mother does not want to inform anybody else, she doesn’t have to.

And as MissAdventure says the financial side can be fraught. I have POA and it takes up a lot of time, often at inconvenient moments.
Good luck.

My aunt went into a care home ,two years ago. She never married and has no family except me. She was ill with constant UTI, didn’t eat well and was mostly sedentary. She was in hospital for a few month and then went into a care home. We live quite a way away and it could not have her to live with me as she is doubly incontinent. The change in her with proper care, company and conversation , has been marvellous to see. She is now 93.
The care home are always glad to speak to me on the phone, and when I visit. Visitors are welcomed whenever they come.
So, do speak to the care home*Padine*. They will listen and help if they can

Oh I’m so sorry to hear of your troubles. You have had some great advice so far. I would certainly phone them and introduce myself. You are her daughter as well. Hugs.

In terms of the financial side of things, you may find it preferable to be shut out, because it has the potential to be a real headache.

Yes, absolutely call the care home and introduce yourself.

Has your sister or brother applied for LPOA? If they have you should have been informed as part of the process.

Good luck

Good advice here, MissAdventure. I hope that you find some peace with your family, Padine

Who is your mum's next of kin, and do they have power of attorney, do you know?.
If your mum has the ability to speak for herself, it will be up to her to decide who may visit, and have access to be informed of any issues, or even just to have a chat with her.

I'd phone an introduce yourself; it can't do any harm, unless you feel someone has already informed the home that you're to be excluded.