Estrangement just over a year

I've no idea Ribbon.

We see contributions from those who say they are and the content of their posts supports that even though they wish things had been different.

We also see posts from those who say they're happier but the anger and bitterness they project onto the EP's who post here, and parents having problems with their AC belies that claim.

User is consistently banned BlueBelle but simply comes back with a different sequence of numbers after her/his name, and so it goes on.

Ribbon

For those who are estranged from their children, do you think they are happier since becoming estranged?

No, not at all, it was something he felt he needed to do rather than wanted to. (We are no longer estranged)

Allsorts

Shirazza, I am sorry all has failed to reunite with your daughter, resulting in you not seeing your loved grandchild. As you can see by some of the warped lengthy comments on here, there are very unpleasant entitled estranged adult children who delight in heaping guilt on a mother that asks for help and advice. They don't know but judge you, piling on the guilt.. I have been estranged from my d for so long, reuniting with gd I know how many lies were told her. My advice, do the opposite of me, I sent cards and presents for 10 years all never seen. I cried myself to sleep for years, they constantly holidayed and cut everyone else in family off. Start today, allow just five minutes thinking back, then live for today, make plans, enjoy life, do not waste it on those that don't care. Look to the people you do have if you are lucky to have them, don't let this define you.

Excellent advice

Instead of constantly deleting messages from User can HQ ban them please People have been banned for far, far, far less

For those who are estranged from their children, do you think they are happier since becoming estranged?

Just remember Shirazza that being a mother is just one aspect of who you are. Allsort's is absolutely right that you mustn't allow what's happened with your D to define you.

Redecorating the room and having a clear out is as you say tough but it can also be therapeutic and I hope it is for you; it was for us.

You can only understand it when you walk in our shoes which is why we have this forum so we can share and support one another .

Typo, Allsorts apologies

Could not find the edit button.

Hello 👋 Allsprts,
Thanks for your reply.
I am trying to find my new identity!
Have been a mum for 31 years and got fired from the only job, I thought I was good at.

We are moving on, having the room that used to be daughters/granddaughters room re decorated.
Have cleared out loads of stuff.
Was tough doing it.
You are right have to live life and know that I am loved by good friends 🧡 and family.
Sad it ever got to this and is sadly unrepairable.
Thinking of you all who have this heartbreak 💔
You can only understand it when you walk in our shoes.

Thank you for your kindness x

Shirazza, I am sorry all has failed to reunite with your daughter, resulting in you not seeing your loved grandchild. As you can see by some of the warped lengthy comments on here, there are very unpleasant entitled estranged adult children who delight in heaping guilt on a mother that asks for help and advice. They don't know but judge you, piling on the guilt.. I have been estranged from my d for so long, reuniting with gd I know how many lies were told her. My advice, do the opposite of me, I sent cards and presents for 10 years all never seen. I cried myself to sleep for years, they constantly holidayed and cut everyone else in family off. Start today, allow just five minutes thinking back, then live for today, make plans, enjoy life, do not waste it on those that don't care. Look to the people you do have if you are lucky to have them, don't let this define you.

No my daughter declined.
Found it heartbreaking.
At least I know I did everything.

Thanks for asking x

Did mediation happen?

Hope things move forward positively for you 💐

Hello 👋
I just wanted to drop a quick update for those who have been following my story of one year of estrangement.

​We reached out through a formal mediation service to open a structured, professional door for communication.
The mediator has now sent a follow-up with a clear deadline for later this week to see if there is any willingness to engage.

​Whatever the outcome, taking this official step has given me a real sense of peace. I know I have tried the very last thing.

Has anyone else attempted medation and come to a dead end road?

Did anyone have successful outcome?

Thanks 🫶

I have sent messages, emails.
All hopeless.
Someone else helps keep the distance between us.
I am trying everything.
The medater is rhe last hope 🙏

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Yes, to all new posters - as Smileless2012 says, do be aware that any responses from someone with the Username "User' followed by a series of numbers, because of their own personal experience (which of course should not be dismissed either), can sometimes be very bitter and unpleasant. I have found it easiest not to engage with such deliberately provocative posts, as it is very easy to end up down an endless rabbit hole with them! It's a shame, because I'm sure that they would have valuable insight and their posts be more considered by others if they weren't so personal and rude... Such is the pain & emotion of estrangement for both sides tho, I suppose.

Hello Perplexedme. I do hope you ill ignore the response from User.

I remember that sick feeling that you're experiencing, it's horrible isn't it but you are not alone. Please take a look at the support thread on this forum, where you will find estranged parents who by listening too and supporting one another have been able to negotiate the pain of estrangement.

Coping initially in my experience was taking small steps. Rather than worrying about how you'll get through the day, concentrate on getting through to mid morning; then lunch time; then tea time and finally going to bed.

When you go to bed take deep breaths and congratulate yourself in having got through another day because that will help you get through all the tomorrows that lie ahead.

Don't keep your emotions bottled up. If you need to cry then cry; if you need to shout then shout and if you need to scream then scream.

If you haven't done so already and are able to contact her, send her a message telling her you love her and that you're there for her if and when she feels ready to get in touch and then resist the overriding desire to contact her further.

Please take a look at the support thread and feel free to send me a private message if you'd like too x.

What an unnecessary and unpleasant response to Perplexedme User. How many accounts do you have on GN? I am asking GNHQ to look into this as there are so many in the name of 'User' but with a different number sequence and nine times out of ten, the content of your posts is unpleasant.

User18724

Or maybe it's just that you're too simple minded or unexperienced in the matter and unable to read between the lines to connect the dots.

Her daughter cut contact as soon as she moved out, not when she met someone else, so it's safe to assume there is no 3rd party involved.

But more importantly, and this is a much more subtle detail your simple mind may have missed, but the distraught estranged parent shows no desire to understand or empathize with her daughter's need to become an orphan essentially (which noone willingly would ever want to be), as thr poster is too self-absorbed with her own feelings around this situation. Which is a hallmark trait of parents that are worth estranging.

I understand that to simpler minds it may seem like I'm making drastic leaps in logic, but those who know more about such situations can see it clear as day.

So settle down before claiming I don't understand complex situations.

Thank you.

I have postgrad studies in these areas and have worked in some of these areas.

The poster you were replying to and posting to is asking how to cope initially. They aren't 20 years down the track of estrangement. That's why I felt it was a lot of assumption, because the timeline doesn't fit.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

User184724

Perplexedme

I feel sick as my adult daughter moved out and won’t talk to me or respond anymore. There really is nothing we can do? How does one cope initially. So very sad.

Yes after ~20 years your chances of reconciling are slim to none. Your chance to do something was during your child's most important stages of life, their childhood before they are fully grown adults.

It's a fact for every living species that their beiginning stages of life is about inifinitely more important than any other stage, since it sets their entire life's trajectory. And since humans are the most complex and social species, we need a lot more than just food and shelter to truly thrive.

Take some solace in the fact that you weren't so terrible of a parent that your child was able to move out independantly. Most children with parents worth estranging usually end up reliant on them forever as they are riddled and crippled with mental and physical health issues. Some don't even end up alive as they find taking their own life more favorable than spending another day sharing a roof with their parents.

If you feel sick losing your child, imagine how sick they must feel never having parents to begin with. And no, creating a child doesn't automatically make you a parent, it only makes you a spawn point that some of us can't wait to escape.

I think there's a lot of assumptions in here, and a number of statements that show lack of understanding of what are complex situations.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I feel sick as my adult daughter moved out and won’t talk to me or respond anymore. There really is nothing we can do? How does one cope initially. So very sad.

lovethepuppies

It's hard for both sides. I feel so stressed I haven't been able to do much the last day. I think I'm about to hit low contact with my parents (and a third party has nothing to do with it).

That is hard lovethepuppies. 💐