Struggling with estrangement from 2 adult children and dont know where to go from here.

InRainbows
InRainbows
To be fair he wasnt really there for them growing up whereas I was, ALL the time, I brought them up virtually alone yet now the sun shines out of his backside. I see your point though. I hadn't thought about that. Its the recent things that have put the nail in the coffin thou

Fancythat
He said I dont go and see them or make any effort despite me asking to go and see them often but they were busy but then he moved house and didnt say ot where he was, so I cant see them if I don't know where they are. As I said I have tried on several occasions with them both if they would be prepared to meet me and at least discuss things but they don't want this either. So like thebother poster said "dammed if tou do and dammed if you dont!!!

Thank you, your message has made a lot of sense. I have actually started talking therapy but as yet it doesnt seem to doing what I want it to do, which is rewire my brain to cope better with the situation. I see that by getting me to focus on different things it takes it away from the main cause but thats only fine while talking to them. When the call is finished, my brain goes into overdrive again. I really need to find a different focus, hard when you dont have many people to turn to and no money to go and join clubs etc. I have tried going for a walk but thats boring on your own and just pounding the streets of the town as I dont drive. But thank you again, it meant a lot.

It could be an example of mixed messages fancythat.

Before we were estranged our ES said they 'needed some space' after our first GC was born which we of course gave them but when we were eventually estranged, one of the things he accused us of was 'not being interested'.

Sometimes it's a case of being damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I’ve (to this point and thank goodness) not found myself in this upsetting and horrible situation.

If you want to, I can only suggest reaching out to both of your children, to see if either or both of them want to meet up, in the hope of some form of resolution or reconciliation.

Whatever you decide, I would still attempt to keep in touch with your grandchildren, just by cards and postcards on birthdays, Christmas and special occasions.

Good luck

Not sure I can help at all.

But My son moved house and didnt tell me yet says about me not seeing them. - what does this mean?
Is your youngest son wanting contact with you?

I wonder if perhaps they found it very difficult that shortly after their father took away so much family stability by leaving, you then went off in a different direction too and were not available or answering calls and texts. Perhaps the issue is more that they felt abandoned twice in short succession and the world they were used to completely crumbled. Not answering calls and texts could be why they stopped passing on important news because they lost that feeling that you were there when needed.

Of course I may be very wrong But it could be that you are looking at this situation from your perspective and theirs is actually very different. Would it be worth reaching out and asking to discuss theirs? The break up of a marriage is a wound that children of the marriage share and they will also have a lot of feelings attached that they may not have dealt with properly while they were focused on ensuring you were ok. The fact that they did check on you so diligently reassures me that, this is perhaps a mother and sons that can be brought back together if all involved really considers each other and listens.

Hello Redheadpanda.

I'm so sorry that despite you all talking about what had affected your relationship with your sons, nothing was really resolved and you are now estranged from them both.

There comes a time when you need to let them go; to get on with the lives they've chosen to live without you so you can find a way to live your life without them.

To say that isn't an easy thing to do is a gross understatement. It's so hard when you have a partner to share the pain; so much harder when you live alone, which is why it would be an idea to consider counselling.

We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for more than 13.5 years and with time, went from wanting things to be different to realising that they never will be and it was then that we began to heal and rebuild our lives.

In our experience and the experience of so many EP's I've read over the years, estrangement takes time to process and is more often than not a work in process, rather than a task that gets completed.

As well as considering counselling, you could write one more time to say that you love them, will always be 'here' if they need you but wont be contacting them again; this would be a good first step in letting go.

There is a life to be had after estrangement, it just isn't the one we thought we would have .

I need help to process.