Struggling with estrangement from 2 adult children and dont know where to go from here.

I need help to process.

Hello Redheadpanda.

I'm so sorry that despite you all talking about what had affected your relationship with your sons, nothing was really resolved and you are now estranged from them both.

There comes a time when you need to let them go; to get on with the lives they've chosen to live without you so you can find a way to live your life without them.

To say that isn't an easy thing to do is a gross understatement. It's so hard when you have a partner to share the pain; so much harder when you live alone, which is why it would be an idea to consider counselling.

We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for more than 13.5 years and with time, went from wanting things to be different to realising that they never will be and it was then that we began to heal and rebuild our lives.

In our experience and the experience of so many EP's I've read over the years, estrangement takes time to process and is more often than not a work in process, rather than a task that gets completed.

As well as considering counselling, you could write one more time to say that you love them, will always be 'here' if they need you but wont be contacting them again; this would be a good first step in letting go.

There is a life to be had after estrangement, it just isn't the one we thought we would have .

I wonder if perhaps they found it very difficult that shortly after their father took away so much family stability by leaving, you then went off in a different direction too and were not available or answering calls and texts. Perhaps the issue is more that they felt abandoned twice in short succession and the world they were used to completely crumbled. Not answering calls and texts could be why they stopped passing on important news because they lost that feeling that you were there when needed.

Of course I may be very wrong But it could be that you are looking at this situation from your perspective and theirs is actually very different. Would it be worth reaching out and asking to discuss theirs? The break up of a marriage is a wound that children of the marriage share and they will also have a lot of feelings attached that they may not have dealt with properly while they were focused on ensuring you were ok. The fact that they did check on you so diligently reassures me that, this is perhaps a mother and sons that can be brought back together if all involved really considers each other and listens.

Not sure I can help at all.

But My son moved house and didnt tell me yet says about me not seeing them. - what does this mean?
Is your youngest son wanting contact with you?

I’ve (to this point and thank goodness) not found myself in this upsetting and horrible situation.

If you want to, I can only suggest reaching out to both of your children, to see if either or both of them want to meet up, in the hope of some form of resolution or reconciliation.

Whatever you decide, I would still attempt to keep in touch with your grandchildren, just by cards and postcards on birthdays, Christmas and special occasions.

Good luck

It could be an example of mixed messages fancythat.

Before we were estranged our ES said they 'needed some space' after our first GC was born which we of course gave them but when we were eventually estranged, one of the things he accused us of was 'not being interested'.

Sometimes it's a case of being damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Thank you, your message has made a lot of sense. I have actually started talking therapy but as yet it doesnt seem to doing what I want it to do, which is rewire my brain to cope better with the situation. I see that by getting me to focus on different things it takes it away from the main cause but thats only fine while talking to them. When the call is finished, my brain goes into overdrive again. I really need to find a different focus, hard when you dont have many people to turn to and no money to go and join clubs etc. I have tried going for a walk but thats boring on your own and just pounding the streets of the town as I dont drive. But thank you again, it meant a lot.

Fancythat
He said I dont go and see them or make any effort despite me asking to go and see them often but they were busy but then he moved house and didnt say ot where he was, so I cant see them if I don't know where they are. As I said I have tried on several occasions with them both if they would be prepared to meet me and at least discuss things but they don't want this either. So like thebother poster said "dammed if tou do and dammed if you dont!!!

InRainbows
InRainbows
To be fair he wasnt really there for them growing up whereas I was, ALL the time, I brought them up virtually alone yet now the sun shines out of his backside. I see your point though. I hadn't thought about that. Its the recent things that have put the nail in the coffin thou

In rainbows sorry sent too soon. Its the recent things that have hurt me though. Ive tried to get them to try and resolve things, Ive sent cards, messages etc and nothing in return.

I will give you the same advice I gave my sister recently (when she asked for it of course). From what I have learned reading here and elsewhere. The estrangement didn't start when the contact stopped. You have to find the start of it, not the "end" to fix this one.

It seems it goes back to when, after 6 months alone after your breakup, you ceased contact with your sons and cut Christmas short to be with your man friend. Can you imagine how this made them feel? How that affected them.
I think you need to own it and tell them you made bad decisions at a bad time and are sorry and can you talk as you want to be part of their life so much. Then wait. I have had to acceot my d never wanting me in her life as many of us have but I tried everything and was ignored, I never and still do not know why she cut all family and a lot of her friends away. My d has her new trusted family of friends. It's her life and decision. I see her son who has severe ADHD and rages at me and her not seeing him has made it worse, but I am close to walking away from it myself as its made me unwell but I take months out when it gets really bad.

There does come a time I think when all attempts to get your AC to engage and they refuse to do so, to stop. That doesn't mean ceasing all contact but perhaps reducing the number of times you do, and keeping that 'light'.

The OP appears to have done what you suggest already Allsorts and did so that Christmas when they had a sit down discussion and aired all (their) differences.

She hadn't ceased contact with her sons but had wrongly not responded to messages and calls and chose to spend some of that Christmas with the new man in her life.

She mistakenly believed they'd achieved resolution, presumably because her sons left her with that impression. If there were still unresolved issues, her sons should have addressed those at the time. As adults if there are issues not addressed, or sufficiently addressed, they have to take responsibility for not pursuing this when as it was in this case, they had the opportunity to do so.

Parents aren't mind readers. We can only know what is and what has upset our AC if they tell us and if they don't, we can hardly be held responsible for not knowing.

We cannot rewire our brains Readheadpanda, if only we could but what we can do is reluctantly accept when we've been estranged, that the relationship is over.

Some years ago on another forum specifically for EP's, someone talked about the 'hope devil'. When things are as they are right now, hoping for change in any shape or form IMO adds to the burden of pain and overwhelming sense of loss and grief.

Think about contacting them one last time assuring them of your love and that you'll always be 'here' for them, and perhaps telling them that you wont be doing so again, respecting their decision for no contact.

You have someone new in your life so make enjoying time with them your focus. Maybe one day things will be different, but that will only happen if your sons want things to be different .

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Thank you Smileless2012, you have put it in a nutshell so to speak.

I know they all met and discussed the Christmas when things didn't go well Smileless but it wasn't resolved as she said by a long way.
Thought that saying that to them one last time might be worth it. However you have to face the possibility that thing might not be resolved and you cannot waste the rest of your life hoping for something that won’t happen. Rebuild the life you do have, you have a man friend now and even if you go a walk each day, get a routine going, local libraries and churches have coffee mornings and meet ups, doesn't cost much, there are so many of us living alone now, many people have family living far away or have health problems and have to adapt to livingl the life we didn't plan for but can be good.

It could be an example of mixed messages fancythat.

It does sound like it.

I have been struggling to get my head around the concept.

So what does the person really want? Deep down?

For me that's the million dollar question fancythat; what do they want and do they even know themselves .

I ask myself that question when ever we see posts from an EAC who remains so angry and bitter despite having estranged the parents they no longer want in their lives, to the extent that they 'attack' those of us who have also been estranged.

Even should things be "resolved" feeling can return days, weeks

Oh that annoying, my hand slipped

Even if things seem resolved, feelings can return days, weeks and even years later. That is when I think we need to understand that, something being resolved from our point of view may not mean our loved ones are quite there yet. Sometimes people say raking over the past isn't healthy but I disagree with that. I think revisiting past hurts might go wrong and not be understood but can also lead to a healthier relationship in time.

Constantly raking over the past IMO isn't healthy InRainbows especially if it prevents who ever is doing so from moving on.

Sometimes a disagreement can feel resolved in the moment but upon deeper thought you realize things are still lingering.

My mom was never one to apologize about things. She always had a reason that she felt was adequate and I felt obligated to accept it because of the parent child relationship dynamic. It never felt like things were resolved even when the argument stopped. It sometimes made it worse because it felt like she was doubling down on hurtful things she would say to me by making excuses.

To her, explaining her reasoning was equivalent to apologizing or resolving the conflict. It would've made a big difference to me if she had even once said something like "I can see that my actions hurt you and I'm sorry. I am going to do better" with no excuses or justification.

I say that to people now if I'm apologizing but it was a skill I had to intentionally invest in as an adult. I recognize that these changes might be beyond my mom's ability, but the hurt still lingers from things she never truly took responsibility for. She can't handle being wrong about anything.

I'm not saying any of this is true for your situation, OP. I just wanted to demonstrate how people can "settle" conflict without actually feeling like it is resolved. I eventually stopped trying to work it out because things never got better until I cut her out.

I m well confused I commented twice on the thread about the poster who went off with a new man at Christmas and her two sons didn’t like it she said it hadn’t lasted and was now with a different man
Where’s the rest of the thread gone ?

Smileless2012.
I couldnt have replied any better myself. Thank you, you got it in a nutshell.