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Estrangement

Anxious...I would appreciate your thoughts

(43 Posts)
BerthaT Sun 26-Jun-22 10:48:17

I have 3 lovely daughters, and I am lucky we have always enjoyed a happy and close relationship.
A few weeks ago I invited my youngest daughter to do a 10 mile charity walk with me to raise funds for a cause dear to my heart and we completed the walk yesterday. However At the start of the walk it was clear to me that she was not up to it, as she had suffered a knee injury some weeks previously and it was causing her a problem that morning. I tried to put her off and said the rest of our group would do the walk in her honour, and said she should drive to the finish point and meet us there in approx 4 hours. She refused to stand down and after the first 3 miles was clearly in difficulty. Nonetheless she powered through to the end(we took it as gently as we could). She was very chatty with the rest of the group but everytime I asked how she was doing she was very short with me.
During the ride home and said I would pop over today to see how she is (her husband is away for work until next week). She very sternly told me that was unnecessary and she would be fine. I mentioned it again as I dropped her off and again she said she didn't want me to drop by. I am concerned so I have asked her best friend to look in on her today. So I know she will be okay.
Now here's the thing, I am, quite selfishly I realise, anxious why she doesn't want my company, as she has seemed distant of late.
I have a dear friend who is estranged from her daughter and feel the anguish it causes her. I am not an emotionally strong person and getting quite anxious now.

Grandmabatty Sun 26-Jun-22 10:57:12

She is obviously irritated with you for some reason and wants time away. Nothing you have written suggests she is going to estrange from you. Involving her friends might though. Give her some space.

tanith Sun 26-Jun-22 11:00:26

She was in pain and from what you say dealing with it her own way no wonder she was tetchy. I think you are reading way too much into something and nothing. Just forget it and carry on as normal.

Kate1949 Sun 26-Jun-22 11:00:41

It's difficult but you need to step back. I know from experience that, while you are concerned, she is a grown woman who makes her own decisions.

HowVeryDareYou Sun 26-Jun-22 11:05:05

Perhaps she's irritated that you're molly-coddling her. Why ask her friend to call in on her? Your daughter is a grown woman and has got a bad knee, not recovering from heart surgery or something. My own sons (40 and 38) tell me that I fuss about them too much at times. It's what we do as mothers but you probably need to stop it.

Caleo Sun 26-Jun-22 11:12:03

It's hurtful she doesn't seem to welcome your offers of help.

Are there signs she is trying to generally cast off what she may perceive as a parent relationship ? Maybe she wants you and and her to be equals as adults. This is just my suggestion due to my current interest in transactional analysis.

"Transactional analysis (TA) is a psychoanalytic theory and method of therapy wherein social interactions (or “transactions”) are analyzed to determine the ego state of the communicator (whether parent-like, childlike, or adult-like) as a basis for understanding behavior." Wikipedia

Kate1949 Sun 26-Jun-22 11:15:55

Our daughter rarely accepts our offers to help. It is hurtful but that's how she is.

Caleo Sun 26-Jun-22 11:15:58

PS what I wrote is like the message above it from How Very DareYou.

Granny23 Sun 26-Jun-22 11:16:19

You have obviously brought up your DDs to be strong, independent women - WELL DONE. Now it is time to respect their autonomy, bow to their decisions, and stop fussing. It strikes me that as the 'baby' of the family DD3 will have had to fight hard to establish herself as a fully grown up independent adult. She is not your baby anymore but has become her 'own woman' perfectly capable of setting her own targets. You must learn to 'back off'.

Redhead56 Sun 26-Jun-22 11:17:15

You mention she has been distant lately could it be she is hiding something from you maybe? Is her marriage ever discussed with you at any time or is it not a subject ever up for discussion?
I only suggest this as it seems to be a common theme with sons and daughters and their parents. I did avoid my parents years ago when my marriage was breaking down. I realised I should have told then earlier and shared my anxiety they would have been a marvellous support.
Only recently our good friend has revealed her daughter has finally opened up about her controlling husband. Nobody would ever have guessed as he is the life and soul of a party. Privately it turns out he is completely different but it’s been kept secret for years it’s a real sorry story.
If this is the case you might never be confided in it depends on your relationship with your daughter. I hope it’s just a brief problem and something that can be remedied. It’s going to be difficult but until you know so try to distract your mind from the worry.

Calendargirl Sun 26-Jun-22 11:19:55

You obviously got on her nerves wittering on about her knee whilst the walk took place, probably felt embarrassed in front of others that you were drawing attention to her.

Leave it be. If you feel she’s being a bit ‘distant’ with you lately, perhaps your constant fussing is annoying her.

Back off, I’m sure things will be ok.

VioletSky Sun 26-Jun-22 11:20:36

Your daughter has a sore knee and wanted to complete the walk.

You chose to discourage rather than encourage.

You chose to insist on giving help where none was wanted.

You chose to then contact her friend to get your needs met against your daughters wishes...

I understand you have anxiety but you really need to try and not let that impact your relationships.

Trust your children to make their own decisions and definitely do not go behind their backs to people who are their friends, not yours, and risk sabotaging those relationships.

Your friend who is esgranged from her child... Perhaps there are reasons that you don't know.... I would not draw parallels unless they are actually there.

icanhandthemback Sun 26-Jun-22 11:22:21

I think your daughter is just trying to tell you to back off with your concerns as she doesn't need you to be anxious over a bad knee. My advice would be to give her some space and then ask her how she is generally without mentioning the knee. If she doesn't refer to the knee, then avoid the subject. Try to keep any conversation on a positive note.
I think you have to accept that she is an adult who will make her own decisions about whether she soldiers on or not. It may be that you embarrassed her with your concern so she felt tetchy. It may have been that she was doing mind over matter and your asking didn't help that process. Whatever you did, it doesn't sound like it is worth estranging you for so put that out of your mind. Focus on the fact you have a good relationship with your daughters not on a friend's experience which probably doesn't mirror your relationship at all.

Elizabeth27 Sun 26-Jun-22 11:22:32

I would be irritated too, you tried to put her off, spoke to the rest of the group about doing it in her honour, and as she was chatty with the rest I expect you kept on about it, and then to ask a friend to pop in when she told you not to is really over the top.

She is an adult woman that can judge for herself what she is capable of.

BerthaT Sun 26-Jun-22 11:50:42

Wrong actually, Each time I spoke to her it was out of earshot of the others, we were walking way behind and slowly because of her difficulty. I never once mentioned to the rest of the team that we could do the walk in her honour, I only said that to her in a private convo before we reached the start point.

BerthaT Sun 26-Jun-22 11:53:11

I also consider it just fine to show my concern at the beginning as I did not want her to feel obliged to do the walk just because I had asked her to do it with me. Clearly what stands out to me here is that I should not show concern.
Tho I do take the point to back off.

VioletSky Sun 26-Jun-22 12:01:05

Oh dear

lemsip Sun 26-Jun-22 12:01:10

oh, you should not have asked her friend to 'pop' in. back off and leave her alone is the message she is giving you!

Kate1949 Sun 26-Jun-22 12:01:59

Our daughter recently sat in A&E for 8 hours by herself. Her husband dropped her off and then had to go away for work. She had been given an appointment and assumed she wouldn't be long. She had no money so sat for 8 hours with no food or water. We are 15 minutes from the hospital and offered to take her some money and food. She refused. She rang to ask me to ring a taxi to take her home as her phone was out of charge. Of course we offered to collect her. Once again she said no. Eventually she agreed to us picking her up. It's beyond me to be honest.

MissAdventure Sun 26-Jun-22 12:06:36

Someone I know, his little girl said she didnt want to go to her nan's.
Asked why, she said "well, she's just so nice all the time".
Perhaps that is the issue?

MerylStreep Sun 26-Jun-22 12:24:25

I think your over thinking it. Your adult daughter has got a strop on with you for whatever reason, end of.
That might sound a bit harsh but I suppose it comes from having over 30 yrs of it 😄
Thank god for HRT is all I can say 👏👏

Smileless2012 Sun 26-Jun-22 13:45:51

It's so hard not to read too much into a situation Bertha especially when there seems to be an increasing number of parents being estranged by their AC, and you know someone who is estranged but try not to worry.

You did nothing wrong by asking her if she wanted to go ahead with the walk but asking her best friend to checkup on her was an error of judgement IMO.

Just take a step back and wait for her to get in touch. I'm sure everything will be OK.

SueDonim Sun 26-Jun-22 13:54:07

BerthaT

I also consider it just fine to show my concern at the beginning as I did not want her to feel obliged to do the walk just because I had asked her to do it with me. Clearly what stands out to me here is that I should not show concern.
Tho I do take the point to back off.

Dramatic. hmm You’re making this all about you.

Your dd was sending clear signals that she was coping with her knee injury and didn’t need your input. Why did you ignore what she was indicating to you? What on Earth do you think her best friend could do to make it better? In fact, what do you think the worst outcome of a sore knee might be? It’s hardly life and death.

Grandmabatty Sun 26-Jun-22 14:03:31

OP, you didn't hear what you wanted to hear and you have become defensive and prickly. Nobody said you shouldn't have concerns about her. Are you like that with your daughter? Perhaps she's needing a wee break.

Doodledog Sun 26-Jun-22 14:16:48

I am a terrible patient, and really don't want people faffing about around me, and asking how I am all the time (Mother, I'm talking to you grin).

I understand that people like to show that they care, but there are times when that is more helpfully done by taking people at their word and backing off when asked to do so. I would be furious if my mother contacted one of my friends to talk about my health (or anything else, for that matter). My mum can be overbearing, but even she would know better than to overstep the mark that.

Unless there is something else going on, there is probably no need to see this as an estrangement matter though. Your daughter probably just needs a bit of time to calm down before she sees you again. I would try hard not to snap at my mum, as she's old and means well, but if I were in pain I might find it difficult. I would leave her to it for a while and wait until she contacts you.