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Separation anxiety

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ArtyChap Wed 17-Jun-26 19:01:57

Me and my (2nd) wife have our granddaughter one day a week, but I have a very fractured relationship with my daughter which is making things very difficult. When things are going well and things are ok, it is tolerable, but mostly we tread water with each other and put up with each other for the sake of my granddaughter. But we regularly fall out and when we do it is very unpleasant. Since she gave birth to my granddaughter three years ago, things have got worse between us. We used to get on well and see each other socially, but not any longer. It’s like we are on a hair-trigger and I feel like I’m on eggshells around her. She threw me out of her house the other day because I calmly asked her to stop interrupting and talking over me. I didn’t lose my cool or shout when she became hostile toward me and I just quietly left. She won’t speak to me or reply to my messages. Now she has stopped us seeing our granddaughter. This is typical of her behaviour. I find her aggressive, and self-righteous, and if I say the wrong thing she’s down my throat. She has made inferences that she resents me and her dislike for me is palpable. Everything I say is wrong, none of my opinions matter. I’ve tried talking to her calmly, one-to-one, but I just get it all back in my face. Over the years, I’ve tried to be a good Dad, I’ve given and given, and tried and tried, but it never does me any good. I suffered years of violent abuse from her mother, and my has daughter put me through years of hell with her drunken, wild antics. My health isn’t good enough to be around aggressive people who trigger my anxiety. I have a number of health conditions and I’m in my 60s now. I’m too old, I can’t cope with it, but I want to see my granddaughter, I love her to bits. It seems as though I’ve got no choice but to put up with it, but it’s making me really ill.

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Plevey08 Wed 17-Jun-26 19:51:31

That's so sad and upsetting for you ArtyChap. It's also clearly worrying as she sounds very aggressive towards you, and possibly your GC is getting upset as she must be hearing it too. Has she a partner you could talk to or any siblings. She sounds like she needs help. Could you send her a letter and say that you are worried about her behaviour and how it's affecting you. Sounds potentially like unresolved issues from her experiences with her mother. And possibly triggered now she has a young daughter. I might be wrong but I think I'd have to say how you can't carry on with this relationship whilst she clearly resents you. You could ask her why she feels the way she does about you and you'd willingly hear her out if she wanted to genuinely talk or she might prefer to seek professional help. You will have to be honest and say how drained you are by it all. I think a break from seeing her might help. It sounds like she is using you not seeing your GC as a control and anger tool. What does your wife think about it. I wish you well.

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Smileless2012 Wed 17-Jun-26 20:04:42

Hello ArtyChap and a warm welcome to the estrangement forum.

I'm so sorry to read about your predicament; you must feel between a rock and a hard place.

It's cruel but unfortunately not unusual for GC to be used by their parent(s) in an attempt to control them and of course the children suffer if they're suddenly prevented from seeing the GP's they love.

It seems to me that you have two choices, neither of which are good ones. You can continue to be abused by your daughter so you can continue your relationship with her and your GD, or you can calmly tell her that this situation is intolerable and you will no longer allow yourself to be verbally and emotionally abused and if that means not seeing her or your GD, as much as you wish things could be different, that's how it will be.

You don't say how old your GD is or if her mother is behaving this way in front of her. If she is, then withdrawing from this will be better for your GD as it can't be good for her witnessing her mother's treatment of you, her grand father.

If you do decide to allow this situation to continue then I suggest that you refrain from sending her messages and/or trying to talk to her at least for the time being.

A period of silence from you may get her to take a look at her own behaviour and question whether using her own child in this way is the right thing to do, especially if she's old enough to ask mummy why she can't see grand dad anymore.

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petra Wed 17-Jun-26 20:05:04

Oh dear. It’s very clear that your daughter has learnt this behaviour from her abusive mother.
There is a lot of information online to help you deal with this.
All is not lost.

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