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Estrangement

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My Traumatised Son Paul.

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Merlino Mon 26-Oct-26 10:12:41

I was a very young widow. My husband died in a scuba diving accident. I grew my son, but due to the trauma I went through as a child I was not psychologically in good shape. My son suffered. However, the contact between us has always remained. Now I am grandma age, and he is nearing sixty, he still has resentment and pain regarding his past. Unfortunately, I seem to trigger him and then there is a big upset and he goes for my jugular bringing up the past, and as a result reattaching to the pain within him, but also within me. He has very little idea of what I went through, and I really do not expect that of him. We have hit the wall in our relationship. I feel he manipulates me emotionally. I have seriously considered withdrawing, and so has be. Christmas looms ahead, and I really do not want to spend it with him for fear of more chaos and challenge. I feel that it is best to take a break, reassess and understand how to go forwards in a different way. But what way, I have no idea. Does anyone have a similar experience or could advise me. I understand at this point little will change but perhaps I can find a way of handling this better. I love him deeply, the love between us remains but the traumatic past still echos within him, and also within me. I put him first, whatever is best for him I believe is the answer. Sometimes I really feel it would be best if we saw each other rarely as I trigger him. My very presence makes him feel wobbly. Sad but true. Kindest regards, I am new to this forum, and I am very appreciative of it. sad

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Smileless2012 Mon 26-Oct-26 11:09:31

Hello Merlino and a very warm welcome to the estrangement forum.

Your post was upsetting to read because your love for your son and your pain at how things are between you is so evident; I'm so sorry flowers.

IMO you need counselling to help you in the first instance to understand and then come to terms with the trauma you personally experienced, that affected you psychologically and impacted on your role as a young widowed mother to your son.

If you decide to do this, you could tell your son that you're decision to have counselling is in part to try and improve your relationship with him for his sake as much as your own, because you realise that your childhood trauma and the loss of his father hasn't just negatively impacted you, but him as well. Doing this may help alleviate some of his resentment and pain; I hope so.

If you then find counselling is beneficial and your counsellor thinks it a good idea, you could ask your son if he would think about having joint counselling or counselling for himself. If he can see how this is benefiting you, he may well consider doing so.

It may be an idea to take a break and my advice is to talk this through with your son to see what he thinks. I'd avoid saying that you feel he manipulates you emotionally at this stage, focusing on how you feel that you trigger one another and you know that just being with him makes him feel wobbly.

Reassure him of the deep love you have for him and that you understand that the traumatic past still echos within him and also within (you). Ask him how he feels about you not spending Christmas together and if you feel that you can, go with whatever he wants to do.

I hope that you can with time find a way forward and if sharing here has in some small way been beneficial, please come back or if you prefer you can private message me or anyone who responds to you here.

Take care.

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