Patronising references to being elderly

Has anybody else noticed that there was no time at all between being called 'dear' because you were just a slip of a girl and being called 'dear' because you are 'getting on a bit'?

We have an American friend . He's in his 70s fought in the Vietnam war,as strong as an ox drives a big truck and a jeep. He went to the hardware store to buy an axe for ,as he puts it," working in the yard" . The young man who served him said " what can I get you old timer?" The response was unprintable and resulted in a very embarrassed sales assistant.

I'm 75 and have started to notice a patronising attitude towards me. It does irritate if I bother to dwell on it. As for larte or latte, I live in N Yorkshire and even those with quite noticeable northern accents say larte for some weird reason. I ask for a cafe latte and get some odd looks.

Absolutely agree, I hate, loathe and detest being called 'my dear' - it's so damn patronising. I sometimes respond with 'Do I have antlers on my head?' (hey, I do know it's a different spelling), or just ask them to use my name. I also hate being referred to as elderly - I'm older, not elderly, with all its disparaging connotations. I'm only 75, not at death's door and still an active member of society. Even if I wasn't, stop patronising me!

I'm happy to have endearment, although it's rarer these days. I do feel irked when one of my grandchildren talks to me as though I'm simple, though 🥴

I'm 58 and seem more and more to be addressed as sweetheart. I think it's the walking stick I use.

Charleygirl5 - I expect large numbers of people the person rings do forget. So they automatially check for pen and paper before starting the call. People's forgetting the name probably complicates things.

All of these expressions are much better than rudeness or being ignored.

Oh golly I'm guilty of calling people of any age " my lovely" : sorry...

I cannot abide being called “love” and “dear” by anyone (other than DH) but especially by men. If they do it I always respond by calling them “sweetie”…it normally makes them stop!

I personally think that these terms are meant in a nice way and should be taken as such. I call people 'my love' - it's meant in a nice way. There are enough horrible mean people in the world. I am not one of them. Please don't take offence when someone says things like this: it's meant kindly.

I don't know I find some of the efforts of young people very kind and thoughtful. I've developed a bit of a fear of that gap between the train and the platform. I know it is completely irrational, but I have to psych myself up before stepping over it. I'm enormously grateful to the young men and women who have offered me their hand or stood back and waited whilst I made the step. They were not patronising they were helpful.
As was the rather lovely Spanish man in his fifties who realised I'd got stuck when a pavement suddenly became very high and I couldn't cross the road. He came over and helped me to step down. It saved me having to walk back to a lower spot.

As for names I'm from Yorkshire where everyone is "Luv" and I live on Tyneside where everyone is "pet" or "hinny" or sometimes "man" regardless of age (or sex)

I am pretty ancient but it was not until I started using a walking stick that people started speaking to me in as if I were five. ‘Are you all right dear?’ ‘ Do you need any help?’ I am not very tall so bending down to address me adds to my humiliation. I know it is kindly meant but I do not appreciate the tone, sort of sweetly soft. Said in a brisk manner it would not annoy me.

That's the crux of it, isn't it, Gin. Of course not all young people are condescending, and nor is the use of dialect or colloquial terms of address; but when expressions are only used to older people, and when they are used in a condescending tone, they can be perceived as patronising.

The acid test is that if whatever is being said would be said in the same words and tone to a 30 year old as to an 80 year old, then it's fine. If the vocabulary or tone is different then the speaker should maybe question why.

I don't mind what people call me as long it is friendly.
I say pet but my GC look at me askance .
The Geordie one I will always remember is Hinny. Moving there I went into a shop to order something and was asked for my name Hinny. I replied "Oh it's ......not Ginny", I had misheard and had the shop in an uproar.
The men in particular where I come from call each other Marra or Assa Marra.
My aunt from the midlands always called us Me Duck when she arrived but soon changed back to pet.

The dentist offered to walk me down the stairs this morning!

What was your response, kirkcubbin? And why do you think he or she made that offer?

Germanshepherdsmum

I’m older than you OP and frankly I couldn’t care less what people say so long as they’re polite. I have never, ever, felt patronised. Lighten up and don’t sweat the small stuff - there are far more important things to get stressed about.

Couldn’t agree more. Who cares, especially if people are trying to be nice. Often no offence intended, but much taken. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I hate hate hate being addressed as "lovely". I don't mind "my love" or even "my dear". But when someone says "hello, lovely" I could strangle them.

Some terms are cultural and affectionate but some are just downright patronising especially 'dear'. Don't like 'lovely' but It doesn't seem ageist.

I thought it was mostly older people that called me dear, duck or love ( depending on regional differences) - and presumed it was due to my then relative youth- just as my grandparents would call me dear. It still happens now - but now I tend to be the older one. It is usually kindly meant.
At work I mostly felt valued ( NHS) for my experience but perhaps I was lucky in working in a team with a wide range of experiences and ages- we supported each other. IT was never my strong point.
Now I am retired - I am aware of some occasional belittling. I did get a bit worried when I went to collect my disabled sons car ( we drive him) and the first thing the sales lady did at hand over was tell me to sync the car to my phone! I worried the car would only work if the phone was linked!

I would love to know whether similar phrases exist in other languages - they don't in Danish, nor do people comment upon ones age, although unlike in the UK it is not considered rude to ask adults how old they are.

What annoys me right now, are the people who assume I must be scared living in a house by myself or helpless in other ways because DH died recently.

My generation of women is that of women's lib, career women and independent women. Yes, some of us married and had good marriages, but that did not automatically turn us into scaredy-cats!

AreWeThereYet

^My headlights are still working even if the chassis is falling to bits.^

Maywalk 🤣🤣🤣 Aw bless ....

Absolutely brilliant!

My DH works as a non-executive director in a hospital trust. He was on a routine ward visit when the patients were asked if they had anything they wanted to say to the Hospital Board.

One woman in her eighties told him about her extremely annoying experience when having an X-ray. The radiographer asked her if she was wearing false teeth etc and when the woman said 'no', she actually stuck her hand in her mouth to check! This radiographer just assumed that anybody of that woman's age must have dementia!

Forgot to say, it was reported to the hospital's board and apparently action will be taken to prevent it happening again.