People trying to "help"! And my reaction ....

I agree about very short hair on older women. No thanks, I’ll stick with my bob style and cut and colour every six weeks which suits me. I don’t really like very long, grey hair on older women either.
I guess it’s each to their own.
I wear make up too.

Germanshepherdsmum

I do look younger than my years and am more than happy to be told so. I just haven’t conformed to the very short hair, no makeup and beige clothes beloved of so many of my age.

Well said GMS.

I am always grateful if someone offers help. Before Christmas I was out shopping and felt exhausted. I stopped for a rest leaning against a bollard and a young man came out of the shop across the road, he actually worked there, and came over to see if I needed any help or if I was unwell. I was very touched that he cared enough for a stranger to offer assistance.

Maybe we're reading too much into this. Maybe it's being self-centred to imagine that the 'helpers' have any point of view about the person they've helped. They don't think 'poor old woman', they see a person who's fallen over.

I absolutely agree with this. We think people are far more aware of us than they generally really are, and what we perceive of as our short-comings loom far greater in our own minds than they do in others.

I think you are all being very harsh to OP. She didn't say she did answer back in a snappy way as she knew that would be seen as bitchy but she felt demeaned by some of the help offered as it offended her as she says 'tries to act and look as youthful as possible'. Just be a bit more empathetic you lot.

I do look younger than my years and am more than happy to be told so. I just haven’t conformed to the very short hair, no makeup and beige clothes beloved of so many of my age.

To be honest, I am not flattered if people tell me I look young for my age. It is a claim I would nevr make myself.

When someones tells you you look young for your age they are advertising themselves as a blinkered person, who has unthinkly chained themselves to tired old sterotypes of what older people of specific ages look like and cannot be bothered to actually look at or communicate with older people, to see the immense range and variety of their looks at any given age point.

I think there are different issues here. I will gratefully accept a seat on a bus or train unless my journey is short.
On the other hand, I find it offensive that so often people assume I cannot use technology just because I am over 70. Only last week at the GP surgery I was told "I don't suppose you have an email?". I started using computers at work in the 1980s and have had a smart phone for around 10 years.

When I was in London with my daughter and her children, my daughter always indicated to me to sit down if there was one seat only available. I sat and then took my six year old grandson on my knee to prevent him from falling over on the train.

I have sometimes been offered a seat on the tube by a younger person, usually a male person. I always accept with very good grace as I think it’s kind of them to offer. I’m 70 but often told I look younger so it’s not a surprise if not offered, but very gratefully received if offered.

I do not think it is a question of being old or not. It is the automatic assumption that if you ar old you are frail and unable to manage and must need help, that can be so irritating.

I have always believed that a big smile and a 'thank you' can get you a long way in life and age hasn't changed that.

But I was always conscious when I was younger, that willing, though I always was to help people if needed, a day would come when the positions would be reversed and I needed to make sure I could accept help graciously.

petra

What a shame with all that education you weren’t taught manners.

I agree

One annoying job I struggle with is checking the tyre pressures and inflating them at the petrol station but I mostly manage it. When a very helpful man half my age offered to do it for me I gladly stood aside and made way for him and we chatted while he did the job in a fraction of the time I usually spend fumbling.

I remarked to my daughter later that I must be looking old as well as feeling it and told her about the helpful man who offered his assistance . She made me feel better by saying maybe he was chatting you up 😆

What’s so wrong with being an old woman Indeed winterwhite. I rejoice in being an old woman, sadly have had a few friends who didn’t make it this far.
Why not fly the flag for old people, instead of the preoccupation with looking “young” or “old” for age (a frequent remark on posts).
As you say, youngsters, if they are lucky will be old one day.

This thread is in the 'Everyday ageism' forum and we do it no favours when we talk about how much we resent, or feel patronised or humiliated by, being treated as 'an old woman'.

What's so wrong with being an old woman? Better than not being alive at all. The people offering help will be old due course.

Maybe we're reading too much into this. Maybe it's being self-centred to imagine that the 'helpers' have any point of view about the person they've helped. They don't think 'poor old woman', they see a person who's fallen over. They're soon on their way again thinking about whatever it was they were thinking about before they stopped to help.

I’d just be grateful. It wouldn’t even occur to me that they were being patronising. I would also offer help myself if I thought someone needed it. I think we are different in that respect, Aussies usually help each other. Still a frontier country in some ways I suppose.

What Petra said at 16.34 yesterday.
Very ungrateful.

If someone offers help I am grateful for the connection - too often we are invisible! We should be encouraging kindness. I think a young person gains a lot from having their good intentions appreciated. Also I find that smiling helps - I think older people can look rather cross when their face is in repose.

It is hard not to get grumpy sometimes, when everything is so blooming hard with mobility problems.

I'm sure I don't always respond with a cheery smile..
Must try and be more pleasant.

A few days ago a woman caught my arm and asked if I was all right. I said no I’m trying to see that car across the road in case it’s my Uber.
I had been standing at the kerb clutching my mobile trying to read the number plate of said car.
We had a laugh as she could see then what I was doing.
She said people don’t offer to help anyone these days and you looked lost.
Did I feel angry? Not at all I was grateful for the care and glad I didn’t need it.
I am about to start using a rollator it will be interesting to see how much help I’m offered . Won’t be turning any of it away.

I tripped and fell in the street and a very kind man rushed across the road to ask if I was ok and embarrassment and my language made me sound less grateful than I was. He was kind and commented on just how uneven these pavements are and said not to worry as no-one else had seen me fall but I so regret not sounding far more grateful for his help than I probably did.

Hennahead I don’t believe you are a “horrible person” but have grappled with a debilitating illness and have worked hard to regain fitness.

You naturally want to appear as you did prior to the illness, not impaired by it. Our self image is very important for confidence. If we think we are looking older or vulnerable we naturally dislike it and find the psychological adjustment hard. It’s normal I think.

I think people are mainly trying to be kind who offer help, although sometimes insensitive, but they can’t know how makes you feel, so I would cut them some slack. Many of us will feel vulnerable at times, especially as we age.

You sound patronising to people merely being helpful. They aren't mind readers nor are they educated to know all about every health problem. Your anger is out of proportion and unreasonable in my opinion.

'Decrepit' would not be the word in their head as they offer to help another human being. It's called being humane and thoughtful.

Your manners need reviewing.

I know a very grumpy person like this, pushing back at kindness, then demeaning whoever has offered. She has very few friends if any. I sympathise but it's a personality problem which needs therapy.

Am not yet old enough to be offered help, and have no disabilities, but if I were I would thank anyone for an offer of help, it comes from the heart after all.My Mum sometimes tells me when anyone has been kind and helped her carry something or opens a door or offers a seat on the bus, and long may it continue.

A group of us mature ladies were on a tube train in London when a young man offered his perch seat to a 75 year old. She accepted it with good grace. I turned to him and said, “ you’ve just shattered her illusion, she thinks she only looks 50”, he replied “ I offered it because she’s good looking not because she’s old!” Friend walked on air for a week after that.