People trying to "help"! And my reaction ....

I know how Hennahead feels. I do need help with actions beyond my physical ability and I do look frail , therefore am grateful for offers of help.

However I resent being informed as to how , as an old woman, I feel. In other words I resent being stereotyped. If someone wants or needs to how how I feel let them ask me. Same goes for my ideas and beliefs---I resent being stereotyped .

Stereotyping is often well meant but stereotyping the person you are with stifles any possibility of meaningful conversation with them.

I think in todays society we are so used to some people being rude that we don’t see or like any offer of help. I gladly accept it with a big smile and a thank you.

I accept all help offered these days. People are being kind rather than patronising in my opinion.

The last few times I travelled to London for work young people offered me a seat. I was taken aback but accepted. As I glanced at my fellow travellers it occurred to me that I was the oldest person in the carriage. I was still in my 50s but thought I must look we old as the hills to them. It's all relative.

I am always very grateful for an offer of assistance. Of course there are times I'm OK, however a friendly smile and arm outheld makes me day.

These people are showing kindness. I'd hate to spoil their day.

I speak as someone who is daily asked if I need help with X Y and Z. My reply is always a smile, a "thank you very much" and sometimes a jokey comment for us to laugh at. I show my appreciation every single time. If I didnt show my appreciation for someone helping me with X Y and Z, whether I asked or I didnt ( 99.9% of time I do not ask... it is offered ) then it would not sit well with me whatsoever.

People shouldn't be looked upon is a negative way because they are reaching out to help you.

Before I had to use a wheelchair to get about I used a walking stick which gave me confidence and enabled me to have a normal life. I was often asked if I needed any help, especially when out and about and I never turned down any offer of help especially when shopping was carried to the car for me. So many strangers helped me and I will always be grateful and even now people will hold a door open for my carer to push me through.
Without the sometimes unwanted help of these kind people my life would have been very limited.
A smile and a thank you cost nothing but means a lot both to the giver and the one who receives.

I take any help I'm offered.
It's my problem if I can't come to terms with my health/mobility issues, not other peoples.

There can be few more ageist remarks than ‘like an old has been’. Who is meant by such an expression?

Hennahead I know exactly what you mean and how you feel, without having your problem. However, I am dyspraxic. I have poor fine motor control and not good balance. I can ride a bike, but it is hard work keeping my balance, and when walking every so often I trip over and fall, maybe once or twice a year.

Now years of practic mean that I know how to fall and am up and on my feet and continuing on my way in less than a minute, but people rush up to me and fuss around me and one of the reasons I get up so fast is in order to be on my feet and walkig away from people before they reach me, so that they can see i am OK.

I think in dealing with this, it is a question of finding a balance that enables you to keep command of the situation, while not being rude to people. I will usually say firmly and in a clear strong voice, 'Thank you, I do not any help. I am used to this happening'.

The other thing to remember is that the experience is only humiliating if you let it be humiliating I have experience of people trying to humiliate me, but I have always refused to co-operate by acting or thinking of myself as being humiliated. You need to do the same. and being hurt and angry is something else you have control over as well.

Take a deep breath when these occaasions arise, take control of the situation, thank people graciously and then either accept the help or say, 'thank you, I am best left to sort myself out.

Control of the situation and how you respond is entorely in your hands. Do a bit of role play in your mind at home.

Many of the things you mention, probably have more to do with your age than your disability. Sorry about that,but being patronised and it being assumed that one is incapable of dealing with modern technology is one of the burdens age places upon us.

‘So if I snap back I come across as a total butch’
You certainly do and if I was at the other end of your ungrateful attitude I’d probably tell you so.

Kindness costs nothing, one day you may be grateful for a strangers support.

Hennehead, I do understand your frustration. I would never, ever be rude to someone trying to help but it can take you aback sometimes. There you are coping perfectly well and behaving, you think, just as you did when you were 30 when suddenly you're categorised as the proverbial "little old lady". Inwardly you want to scream and say what an intelligent, capable woman you are and we are!

I find my son sometimes olds plains me (like mansplaining only adjusted for age). I work full time in a demanding job where I meet people from all over the world and I use technology on a daily basis. I speak 4 languages and arrange meetings for high profile delegates.

Yet, when those rainbows started to appear in people's windows during Covid thanking the NHS my son asked me (inexplicably) if I knew what they meant. That's just one example, there are others.

I understand your train of thought about being independent, I work in a male dominated industry and often the guys would run over to help when I was quite capable myself , in the end I sat them down and said if I wasn't able to do the job I would find another career , I said thankyou for their offers and if I needed a hand I'd ask .
But never would I get annoyed with anyone for offering help , that is kindness and needs to be repaid with kindness

I wonder how long it will be before GN is full of threads bemoaning the lack of kindness and empathy and wondering why no-one offers to help when someone clearly needs help.

We love some help , assistance or consideration of any sort! Personally I have no disabilities but husband has a walking problem which is obvious. We’re in our early 70’s. We are very happy when younger people make way for us, or offer help, whether it’s moving out of the way or offering a seat or letting us go first in a queue.
Older people should be respected and helped……. We’ve done our stint! We’re making the most of it!
Smile, be happy and accept help I’d say.

Hennahead thank you for your understanding reply.
You've obviously overcome a lot with your illness and worked hard at being the best you can, so maybe you see a patronising attitude where there's none intended?

Two friends and I, all mid to late 60s, fit and well, went to London recently.
Remembrance weekend so very crowded everywhere.
For the first time ever people were jumping up all over the place to offer us their seats on the underground, which we politely refused as we neither needed nor particularly wanted them.
Eventually I thought what the heck and just accepted gracefully, and I could see in their faces that it made them feel good, so it wasn't a bad thing to accept the help 😊

Hennahead
There wasn’t really any other way of interpreting your OP. When someone posts im sick of people asking if I can manage and, godsake I thought, I’m not that decrepid

Hennahead

Thanks for all your lovely replies. I worded this very badly. Yes, I do help others, have never used anyone and am a good and suppotive friend, partner and mother to my son, who I supported out of drug problems. I have made mysel look like a horrible person and I am not.

Fair enough.

I do know what you mean, I have always been deaf & I'm pretty intelligent so this has always happened to me. (I look puzzled when people speak as I'm trying to lipread) My attitude has always been that I'd rather people made a pantomime of speaking slowly and patronizingly, than gabbled at me & then expected me to know what to do / how to respond. But it did used to cheer me when my children , at the age of about 8, would say to people who were really overdoing it, "My mum's deaf, she's not dim!" Both of them did this just once or twice, I never encouraged it but I loved them for it.By the way, it's easier to lipread if people stick to the normal speech patterns, a little slower does help but if you speak each word "seperately" it makes it harder.

Phew!

I am sure you are not don’t worry henna

Thanks for all your lovely replies. I worded this very badly. Yes, I do help others, have never used anyone and am a good and suppotive friend, partner and mother to my son, who I supported out of drug problems. I have made mysel look like a horrible person and I am not.

I think you need to work on your "If-you-even-think-about-offering-me-help-I'll-bite-your-head-off" look, Hennahead. You obviously aren't trying hard enough.

I live in a University town and use crutches. The students are amazing; I assume they're thinking of their grans when they offer to help. I only accept if I really need it but always tell them I'm grateful for the offer.

One night I got on a bus completely packed with students, hardly any standing room. Before I knew it my crutches were passed down the bus and I somehow found myself in a seat with my crutches back in my hands - I still haven't worked out how they did it. It was so caring and lovely and the way they worked as a team was incredible. The most inconsiderate people are those of my age who often barge past and cause me to wobble. But it takes all sorts to make a world, doesn't it...?

It sounds as though you have never offered to help anyone.

There are kind people about and a ‘thank you, but I’m fine’ never hurt anyone.