Do they want to know the whole truth?

Bigpondza Did you get my message after your post on the on the Genealogy "Descendents of deceased adopted persons" thread from about the 14th December?

When I made some possible suggestions? I would be interested to know if you had seen it or had time to do further reasearch?
see
Descendants of deceased adopted persons DAP in the Genealogy topic ?

When people write to me about tracing their adoptive relatives, I always give a 'health warning' being that the truth can hurt and if you are not ready to accept the truth whatever it might be, you should not start the journey. I personally believe that the truth has a cleansing effect and somehow you find the strength to cope with it. So I will write up my research for my children, and ask them to accept that different values applied in different times and that they should be forgiving of their history.

thecraftymermaid
Rather than just keeping it secret I would suggest you ask yourself if the the difficult stuff you have found is likely to affect anyone but your friends husband. By this I mean are there any third parties who might be hurt by that information, or in particular by this man's reactions to them if he finds out something "unpleasant".

If its just him it would affect, ask him if he wants to know everything you have found out "warts and all" even if he might find it upsetting. That puts the ball in his court to decide if he wants to know or not. You are not then then deliberately hiding stuff from him. Good Luck!

I would until recently have said yes tell the truth, what could shock us now after all and knowing that I myself would want to know it. I am a keen, amateur I must stress, genealogist and until recently had only researched on my own behalf, the usual marriages shortly before births and even a couple of remarriages before the first husband had died. However I helped a friend get started on her family tree and her husband being there asked could we have a look at his, that was fine, we did a bit using freebmd, other sites, and his own knowledge. I went home and looked further and I have found something about one of this man's ancestors which he really would not want to know, it concerns race. I've found a lot of people researching this particular ancestor and the information is real and out there. I can't tell my friend's husband what I have found, knowing what I know about him and the way he feels about things. I have actually found this really quite disturbing. I'd be thrilled to have this ancestor, he wouldn't. If he was a relative I'd tell the truth, he isn't so I am just going to say nothing but I find that sad.

Am I the only person with not the slightest interest in my forefathers? What difference can it make to me if they were saints or sinners? I chose my name after my divorce as I didn't see why I should be labelled by either my ex husband or my father. I would love to live long enough to see a fifth generation, though, and I might well manage it if my eldest great gd, who is 5, has a baby at the same age as her mother, 20.

I have no ideal!

Huh? However did your i-pad manage to create that strange confusion?

Relatives!!!

stoves jeni?

We all know my maternal gran was illegitimate and suspect her father was one of my paternal real stoves! The two families look so alike that my mother was frequently mistaken for one of my fathers 4sisters!

I read the posts with interest because I wondered how others reacted to unsettling discoveries. I found out that both my maternal grandfather and his sister were illegitimate and had different fathers! Thankfully all my aunts and uncles are no longer with us so I was saved the agonising decision of whether to mention it or not. It did, however, make me wonder about my grandmother's attitude to her husband, mentioned by my father on quite a few occasions, as she was very dismissive of him and his opinions or needs.
Did she know? I'll never know but it is intriguing. There are so many mysteries out there!

I think it's a lovely idea and I doubt anyone would be upset. In fact a good 'nasty' in the family history makes a great story. One of my distant relatives was a nasty piece of work and pushed his pregnant wife down a flight of stairs. She survived fortunately and went on to have a healthy baby but apparently the family decided it would be best if he was shipped out of the country to avoid prosecution. They wanted to send him to Australia but no one liked him in the family so only raised enough for a one way ticket to South Africa. He went and no one ever heard from him again. I'd love to find out what happened to him over there. Did he learn his lesson and change his ways or did he stay a nasty?

My parents had a hard start in life, father orphaned very young, placed in orphanage lost touch with brothers and sister.
Mother's father died when she was four, her mother became an alcoholic and mother had to work in a factory when she was twelve.Even in the twentieth century, working conditions were appalling.
She and my father made sure their children had the chances in life which they did not.Thank God for Grammar schools and University funding!
Mother wrote her autobiography.I read it and can only marvel that the woman who survived all these hardships grew into the gentle caring person whom my father described as the first lady he had ever met.
The story serves as an encouragement to my children who can see from it that even though life can be very hard, people can find resources in themselves to overcome the difficulties.
I don't know anything much about the people who preceded them, but don't think it matters .Just think they must have been intelligent survivors too.

I loved listening to my mother telling tales about her doings with her two sisters when they were young, but have never noticed any interest in my past life from my two daughters. Having left England for a new life in Germany I thought there should be some written documentation and didn't know where to start. On my daughter's 40th birthday a friend asked where she was born and I told the tale.
Then I went home and wrote it up. From then it was easy. I built up the autobiogrpaphy with descriptions of houses and events and particularly good friendships, male and female. The only person who I can't get near to is my much loved mother who died when I was 26. I have written about her pertaining to other occasions but when I want to start with when she was born I just dry up.
I told the truth. There is no point in lying about it and you have to risk the reader appreciating this.
You can put it all in chronological order later when you have got most aspects on paper.

Someone has to keep the records. I am going to say - even if you are not interested, keep them. Pass them on.

'Keeper of the family archive' - yes. Interestingly, my relative Margaret in Canada called this 'fire keeper' and I find this is from American Indian culture.
I like it.

My daughter and grandchildren live in New Zealand where, at least in Maori culture, those who have gone before remain an acknowledged part of your present life. I remember when she was asked to present herself in a traditional Maori way she telephoned me and asked "Mum, how can I say 'My canoe was Air New Zealand – it's so insulting to their culture'?' We talked it through and yes, her river was the Thames, but some other traditional descriptions needed modern interpretation. Part of our family is a very close-knit Irish clan and I am the keeper of the family archive, which does need a bit of time that I don't have right now, but shall find. I think we do need to feel connected to those people who went before and made us who we are today and are still figures that shape not just our grandchildren's lives but the lives of descendants we shall never live to see. Of course, young people maybe be bored by the whole idea – just wait until they have babies and then grandchildren of their own. I am currently writing something that cannot possibly be described as an autobiography but is a dip in and out of the social and personal world during the years of my life and anecdotes – some happy, some sad, possibly some shocking and some just funny. It's a collage. Whether my grandchildren want to know about my river and my canoe, I don't know – but I would guess the time will come. If some of it's disturbing, shocking, mildly surprising or even frightening, surely it's just what made us the people we are.

My paternal grandfather changed his name prior to marrying my grandmother because she didn't like his surname. My late husband's family had a scroll with the family tree it dates back to 1534 - Tudor times, I still have it.

My maternal grandmother's family came from Italy and Spain, and my maternal grandfather's family came from Ireland and as FlicketyB mentioned they too had a difficult time. A cousin of mine is currently compiling a family tree.

My children's paternal grandfather never knew who his father was. His elder sister knew but told him he didn't need to know. Now my children will never be able to trace that side of the family! My ex mother in law said he (her husband) dropped from a bag of sweets as his mother was a sweet factory worker. MIL was a cockney and very much a character. I should write down the things she used to say and do, otherwise it will be lost to future generations. I always wished for a nice, normal conservative mother in law!!!!

I have been interested in my family's history but only started to do it seriously recently. However for some reason I have been seen as the family archivist and when elderly members have died who had no children (and there were three or four) any papers, photos etc they had got passed to me and I have been amazed by what I have received, the apprenticeship document my grandfather signed in 1899 and the document my Great Grandfather received in 1880 when he became a Freeman of the City of London. He was a labourer with the Corporation and anyone who worked for them then at any level was expected to become a Freeman.

I am scanning everything I have received onto the computer and I am building an online archive so that every member of the family can receive copies of everything, they are interested, even though the actual documents can only go to one of them.

When I collected the census information I was reduced to tears to discover the poverty in which my maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather, both Irish, grew up in. Both made their way up in the world and hid the poverty of their upbringing because, at the time, it would have been considered shameful.

With grandparents and now parents all passed so many of the family stories that i hoped to collect have now gone,and Im sad about that,Ive nothing more that memories of stories told to me,to pass on to my children and grandchildren and I find the older Im getting the more important it feels to pass on family history,even the bad sad stuff,not that Ive got any really to tell.I wish my children and grandchildren to know where the family came from, what the people did,where they lived,did they go to war.I do so wish I had asked more questions and written it down,for the next genaration.

Thanks I will give it a go.

I was delighted when I put my maternal family tree on genes reunited to discover another branch of the family was there and we could exchange information. This person had no idea where a lot of her family were buried so I sent her photos and it also confirmed that what I had traced was correct as she went up the same line and came to a full stop where I did as I could go no further.

www.ancestry.co.uk or you can try genes reunited

How do you do it and what site do I need please.

tell all, secrets are dangerous and after all the truth can be a very good lesson on where past generations have ‘gone wrong’ …. but also every generation think they are the first to experience the varieties of life! how wrong we all are/were

my parents died young, I never questioned why I knew nothing of my fathers family. my mother told great stories of her ancestors, and endless stories of her childhood days. It wasn’t until they had both gone that I realised the one-sidedness of it all. I know now what she was trying to avoid telling…..but it has taken me years to unravel the truth and frankly I wished I had had the opportunity to ask my father personally about his family and how he felt about it all.