Feel closer to daughter's children?

I am closer to my daughter's boys, but that's because of the children they are. They live further away than my son, whose boys I find impossible. Katie's eldest is 13 and yesterday I was delighted that he rang me for an hour long chat.

FlicketyB
Oh yes you are lucky, but then you all sound like perfectly reasonable people, who can see the world from others' point of view. That's great !

I only have daughters and I am very close to them as I am to all our GC and see them a lot.
My eldest's MIL & FIL lives 60 miles away and although the children adore their Grandad as he is very 'hands on'.....granny is starting to have a few dementia problems and she is only interested in the baby.

Our GC are not so close to my Hubby as he is disabled and has never been able to do much with them...he is just 'Pop' in the chair !!!

My youngest lives next door to her MIL but as she is quite elderly and stone deaf she cannot be left with 6 mth old GS.

I do feel guilty that I am the one they turn to, see them all the time and am trusted to look after the GC.

I was closer to my MIL than my own mother who said horrible things to me each time I got pregnant.
Sadly she died before our youngest was born.

I'm full of admiratiom for those of you who can love all grandchildren equally. Deep down I have a favourite and have heard that she says I am her favourite Grandma. My relationship to her is different, closer on another level. Whether the favourite is usually the child of son or daughter I don't know.

My son is the only one of my children to have children and my DIL is the only one in her family to have children. We are very fortunate that both families get on very well and tend to act as one family. The grandparents, between us, have developed complementary roles. My DIL's mother lives close by and is almost a third parent. She has been a tower of strength in supporting both parents and children during difficult times on an almost daily basis.

We live two hundred miles away, and to be honest I do not think I would be willing or able to give the 24/7 support that DIL's mother has but we are much more practical hands-on doers and our son and DIL have no skill or interest in DIY so we tend to take on practical roles when we are there. My husband is currently refurbishing the kitchen while I help with decorating and make curtains when required. As we both have separate spheres of interest there is no rivalry. We usually stay with DIL's mother and she will not visit too much when we are there to give us time with the GCs n our own - and we love it, the things we do with them are again different from DIL's mother. We holiday together, both families plus other siblings and partners, and apart

Gosh, I am lucky

I've thought about this and no, I don't feel any closer emotionally to my daughter's children than my son's, even though they are closer physically. When they're in my house they're 'my' children and I shout at them equally . My son has just had another baby [well, his partner has ] and I don't see her much at present and wonder if I'll get as attached to her as I am to the others. I'm sure I will but I can't imagine crawling round the floor as I do with the 2 year old. I can get down but have difficulty getting up in spite of Pilates!!!

Hi All
Just catching up with this thread again. I wholeheartedly agree with lisastalbans point that it all comes down to women supporting women and dare I say it we're not too good at that sometimes. Why oh why do we find each other so threatening.
My son and family regularly go on holiday with with her family and also spend every xmas day with them. I have come to accept this now because if my son really wanted things to change, I'm sure he could change them. I wonder if it matters that my dil's parents only have daughters. Maybe you need a son to understand how this feels, or maybe it's like a lot of things in life - just the luck of the draw.

Pey;Maybe the problem is that your DIL's parents would throw a hissy fit if they weren't invited, and you get overlooked because you are so accomodating and easy going? I can understand why you feel the way that you do, though. However, my gut feeling is that, being the sort of granny you are your grandchild will appreciate you more and more as he/she gets older. Doesn't help now, though, I'm afraid.

I was closer to my MIL than my own mother when the girls were born. My Mum also felt it was OK to fault-find during the "Early Parenting Years" when that stuff really niggles, whereas my MIL would support ME and not really pass comment on my girls.

Sadly she died far too early, but I now have a much more understanding relationship with my own mum. She came to her own "ah-ha" moment a couple of years ago. She told me that she had us in her twenties when there was not much money and certainly nowhere near the amount of activites, classes, groups that there are for kiddies these days. She said when she looked at my kitchen calendar, and the amount of running around mothers do these days, plus the fact I had babies in my forties, it made her head spin!

Why am I telling you all this? I guess I personally feel it is not so much about being the mum or the MIL, it is about a woman supporting another woman - if that makes sense?

I have two sons and always believed I would therefore be the No 2 Grandma when any children were born.This did not seem to be the case initially as both grannies did their share of childminding. However there is now no doubt that I am classed as the No 2 Grandma by my d-i-l and unhappily by my grandchild despite doing all that we can to help the adults and nurture a close relationship with my grandchild. I never criticise or give advice unless asked and try to everything to the letter. Am I foolish to feel hurt that when we are all together I feel more like the visitor than a granny. My d-in-l parents join them on outings but we are not invited = we live 5 minutes away. It does not seem to occur to my son that perhaps he should try a bit harder to include us. Too ashamed of feeling like this to admit it even to my husband.

My mother took my two eldest daughters for a half-term week once when I was writing a dissertation. Even then she managed to find something to criticise — DD2 had a hole in the knee of her trousers that I hadn't got around to mending. My mother mended it but made it into a Big Issue about her being seen with her grandchildren in rags! That was the only practical help she ever gave me and I had to ask for that. She never offered anything except criticism. I was even criticised by her for breast-feeding my babies. You get the picture? Oh yes, she loves her grandchildren dearly, she says. But I say to myself you don't like them. I don't think she can 'help' this. I think she just doesn't like children. She was a dutiful mother but there was often an air of resentment about everything she had "given up" because of her five children. It is actually quite sad.

My mother-in-law was always as helpful as possible, never criticised and, on the one occasion when FIL very gently questioned what I was doing (insisting that a stroppy six-year-old do as she was told; it was a safety issue) she pulled him away and shook her head at him. One of my sisters-in-law told my husband only last year that my mother was "extremely critical" of her daughter but not in the least bit critical of her sons.

I don't feel closer to my daughters' children. I look after my eldest daughter's two girls (6 & 3) three days a week, but love my three grandsons equally. My son (his boys 5 & 3) and youngest daughter (boy 3) both now live a three hour flight and a five hour trip away.
I think its because my maternal grandparents and paternal grandmother had obvious favourites and so did my father.
I vowed I would never do this to my own children and they have all said they appreciated me not having favourites while they grew up. Now with my grandchildren, I just love them all equally, how can I not, they are all my grandchildren. I have one grandchild who has been very ill and I feel very protective towards him and he is probably the one I think of the most when I wake up in the morning (worry) but I love them all.
I do have a good relationship with my daughter in law but I made sure of it too. When they lived close by to me I made sure I did as much for her as my own daughters and I used to pick up her eldest son from when he was 11 months old and take him to my daughter's house to spend the day with his cousin who is a year older, while my daughter was at work and so that my dil could study in peace. I also make it very obvious that I just adore them all, I always make sure I get similar presents at Christmas and birthdays for these special little people. I also give my children and my sons in law and daughter in law the same gifts as I do for my own children.

Did touch on this on another thread in an abstract sort of way. I'm only a grandmother to my daughters children but I'm sure that, if my son had children I wouldn't be so involved. I'd assume that part of it is due to the fact that your daughter will probably bring up her children in a similar way to how she was brought up, whereas a daughter in law will have a different approach to child rearing. A conversation I overheard a while ago reinforced that view.

Hello
I am really surprised that no-one else has agreed with you on this one. Perhaps it's something we feel we shouldn't acknowledge.
My thoughts are that unless you are really fortunate and have an excellent relationship with your d-i-l, you are bound to feel more distance between you and your son's children. Simply because you have to tread more carefully and cannot be as open or natural for fear of offending.
Several years ago I was involved in a small research project, during which I interviewed various grandparents, of differing circumstances and ages. They all agreed on this very point, that they weren't sure why but they felt closer to their daughter's children.
Let's not feel bad about it though. I still try my best to be involved and accept that many g'parents have it much worse, with divorce/seperation etc.

Only my son has children but I have never felt as if I came second to DIL's mother. I live a forty minute drive away but see the children at least once a week. I love my DIL as if she was my own.