parental alienation syndrome

I think I've got a purple feather boa tucked away somewhere.

Better pack something purple then!!

maniac there are sometimes members of the red hat lot on board. You're going to have fun!

Maniac - how painful for you.
I'm so glad you have something exciting to look forward to, but oh dear me............. whatever will Cunard make of you two!!! No doubt we'll hear all about it in due course.

Yes jeni you are right .I'll concentrate on the good things in my life.I'm so glad that I have our cruise to look forward to.It will be fabulous.I've bought a new dress today.
Do you think I'll get a black mark from Cunard if they know I've been a paid up member of 'Growing Old Disgracefully' for over 10 yrs !

Thanks to all of you for your love and support.

Come on maniac think about something nice like our cruise! We need to get together with my computer to log in our personal information!
I am looking forward to it sooooo much

whitewave makes a good point. One of the many strategies suggested for combatting parental alienation syndrome is to let the child know that it does hurt to have them treat you like that - it may sound a bit much to load that onto a child, but it's balanced with the worse option of losing contact with them.

Maniac I feel truly sorry that you should be treated so shabbily. I think that whitewaves suggestion makes sense. I would add...even if you should decide not to respond, I want you to know that I love you dearly.

Oh dear maniac

Maniac

perhaps you could write to him telling him how much you love him and even though things are cofusing with his parents at the moment not to shut you out as you would be so sad and hurt, and that you have/will never stopped loving him

Oh Maniac I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Yes, it does sound like he has learned from someone that he has to behave in a certain way when he sees you - he won't have thought of that himself. Did you manage to say anything to him? He must be a confused boy at the moment

At Monday's Scout fair/car-boot sale I saw my grandson on one of the stalls.
At an appropriate moment I tapped him on the shoulder and said 'Hello' .
He blanked me and turned away!!
After all the happy times we have shared in the past 10 yrs does this not suggest 'parental alienation'? I have done nothing to deserve this.

Yes, I know a few like that vampirequeen. Also, some dads say they can't take their children home to their new accommodation if they have a new partner, so they are left to do the McDonalds/cinema thing and end up spending more than they should, which winds mum up when she is on a tight budget. It's never easy after a split, even for the couples to manage to put their differences aside for the sake of the children.

Sorry I didn't mean to imply that fathers can't be just at bad. I was just talking from my experience. I have friends with partners who do the Saturday dad routine which is spoil, spoil and spoil again so that mummy looks mean because she disciplines them and doesn't buy them treats every day.

ginny there's a similar arrangement in my family. He isn't working together with your daughter to share the parenting, behaving like that. I sometimes despair when I see the lengths that some people will go to, to alienate their children from the other parent. Why can't he see the harm he is doing? My daughter's ex behaves like this, countering everything my daughter has said just for the sake of causing trouble - it's so unfair on the children. My little grandsons have started to differentiate between what mummy allows at home and what daddy lets them do, like staying up very late, falling asleep on the sofa so daddy will take them up to bed later (still in their clothes), and plenty of junk food. They come home wired and their behaviour is difficult to handle until they settle back in with mummy. Like you say, acting as though there is a contest and using children as weapons is not confined to just DILs.

I just wanted to say that it is not always the mother that causes problems. My daughter is the main carer for our grandson but they share custody. He sees his father alternate weekends and one night in the week. Over the last year since they divorced she has never tried to stop contact and has always allowed extra visits if the occasion arises. Her ex however has spent the time trying to undermine her and twisting the truth to suit himself. He tell his son that 'mum wouldn't let me see you on Wednesday (for instance) when he hasn't even asked to see him. He has told so many lies trying to get more control over both grandson and my daughter that i doubt he even knows what the truth is. He indulges Grandson with all sorts of toys, sweets, outings and from his behaviour when he gets back to his Mum is obviously allowed to do and have whatever he wants.. We can only assume that he sees this as a way of 'winning ' over our daughter . Our daughter refuses to make the boy a weapon in a battle and tries to explain things to him without criticizing his father. She just has to hope that as he grows he will realise what is going on.

Yes and unfortunately that can still be there years later when the children are grown up. Will it end or will that be it for life? Time will tell. Sad when you see these programmes on tv about children finding parents and vica versa after years apart.

I can almost guarantee she emptied the fridge deliberately.

Our children have 'home' clothes and 'here' clothes (including underwear). They get changed as soon as they arrive and change back just before they go home. Then they wear clothes that are appropriate to the type of activities they do and have clothes that fit. Also saves me having to iron them because their mother doesnt believe in ironing.

Father Christmas also comes here as well as there as toys have a tendency to disappear if they go home.

Basically our children have two homes with bedrooms, toys and clothes. The rules are also different but they adjust to where they are.

Maniac, whenim64 thanks for your kind thoughts...much needed. It seems a common theme....I think my DS's ex would like him to disappear out of her life. On his last visit there was no food in the house! He went prepared with food for himself and DD but is still unsure whether she cleared the fridge etc or whether there was really no food. Now he's worried that his DD is not being fed properly - she is only 14months.

My goodness dorset I recognise that behaviour so well. Ex-DIL fishing out old shoes to send grandson out in and claiming he has no others (after I had just bought him new shoes three days before), sending him to a party in his school trousers, saying nothing else fits him - all lies of course, and designed to alienate as many people as possible from my son. These days, she is keeping a lower profile, having blotted her copy book so many times - grandson is able to assert his wishes to see his dad, and tomorrow my son has told her I will be meeting him from school, too, as she has sabotaged a couple of plans in the last fortnight. I think she realises now that she can't just deny their son his right to see his dad and family if he wants to.

This thread also struck a cord for me. I'm my ex's 2nd wife [long story don't ask] and his ex made keeping in contact with his 2 girls as difficult as she could. Cancelling access visits at the last moment, threatening his mother that she'd never see her GC if I ever went to her house. I'd met him after they had split up BTW. Then when she wanted a weekend free to go out with a new boyfriend she'd ring at the last moment - so we had to break any plans as it meant he could see his children. She went potty when I got pregnant and put more threats and demands on him. She used to send the girls in virtual rags, with torn hems and holey socks. Hoping we'd take them out for new stuff. Once the older one broke down and said' why does mummy keep sending us in these old things we've got heaps of nice clothes'. We also found out that she took the labels off our Xmas and birthday presents and put her labels on. We soon cottoned onto that and had them open up the presents when we gave them. We finally had to escape and moved to the U.S. as she was beginning to tell the girls the most enormous lies about us. I met the oldest one years later quite by accident. She told me that her mother used to badger them into hating their father. Happily, even though we'd split up I was able to arrange a reunion for my ex with his girls. It went really well and they also met up with my two again.

Its incredible when you read through the posts of the times this kind of behaviour comes up. I feel it must be more common than you might think. Indeed I suspect my DIL may have a touch of it if you read my previous posts. The only answer seems to take it through the courts at huge expense and stress and hope the judge has enough common sense to realise whats going on and deal with the matter fairly and appropriately. I had heard of the syndrome on "Families need Fathers" some time ago.
There are over 600 posts on the subject "Cut out of their lives" on GN !!!
Sobering ...

Yes, you're right vampirequeen. A callous thing to do!

The sad thing is that the child is the real victim in all of this but the mother never sees that. The child becomes a weapon which she uses to beat her partner regardless of the effect it has on the child.

Unbelieveable indeed Maniac. Many things have been said in my grandson's name over the last year, including texts sent to his dad purporting to be from him. Unfortunately, drunken ex-DIL's grammar is nowhere near their son's standard and she cannot disguise the messages are from her e.g. 'u beter bring cars dvd or u can give the mony tomoz - this is from x by the way'

12 year old grandson doesn't send texts that long - always replies 'yes, no or thank you' and will speak on the phone to his dad. The texts arrive after grandson in bed!

It is more likely that statements are being made by the person alienating children from dads and grandparents, not the children themselves.