parental alienation syndrome

Surely he has legal rights....he needs to get professional advise.

This seems to be surprisingly common, and terribly distressing.
If the ex wife is reasonable and sensible she would know it was in the children's best interests to maintain their relationship with their father - even if perhaps she believes he was a bad husband.
Are the access arrangements informal or has this been agreed with third parties?

I have never heard it called a syndrome, but have come across it frequently.
The father needs to get in touch with cafcass (google them) who are the court service for children's welfare. They are completely independent of either parent and seek to promote the children's welfare in any court decision. They are very experienced at dealing with families where the children are being coached, or desperately trying to please one or another parent; where an abusive parent is claiming to be kind & loving; or both parents are so distressed that the children are caught up in their war.

Yes the word "syndrome" implies someone has a medical or psychiatric condition and that would not seem to apply here.

It's very cruel to keep a child away from a loving parent. What is it with these parents that once their marriage/relationship breaks up they then use their children as a weapon against their ex. In the meantime you have a small child desperately missing their parent. It's not at all beneficial for the child's upbringing and then these clueless parents wonder why their children resent them when they themselves grow up.
Your son's friend really needs to put his foot down and do what he can to make sure he keeps seeing his children. It's a shame if it then has to become a court case. This happened to my brother years ago, at one stage when my niece was three my brother was denied access to his daughter for two years. His ex partner had moved and my brother could not find out where they had moved to. She seemed to get away with it as she was the mother and my brother had no chance even though he was a decent caring father. In the end my niece was finally allowed to live with her father as her mother didn't want her any more as she had remarried and had two more daughters. This woman also had a daughter older than my niece and she was put in a boarding school when she was twelve. This was over 20 years ago, I think things are a lot fairer now though.
The upshot of all of this is my niece cannot stand her mother, there are other issues between them also. My niece's younger half sisters now also have issues with their mother too.

Thanks for the responses. I understand that my friend's son is already taking legal advice and access has been granted by the court.
But the whole thing about Parental Alienation Syndrome, is that the parent who currently has the children appears to persuade the children that they do not want to see their father, (despite the fact that there was a loving relationship of many years between both parents and the children. It was the parents relationship that had broken down.) This 'negative persuasion' is done in various overt and subtle ways. If the children do see their father, then they receive so much questioning and hassle on their return that it becomes easier for them to cope with their home life by not spending any time with their father. In effect it seems that they find their best way of coping is to collude with the mother. They do not want to increase their own pain (of their father's absence) by being in conflict with their mother.
The poor children are in a Catch 22 situation. My friend's son is caught in the dilemma of wanting to fight (through the courts) for time with his children--yet knowing how their mother's behaviour (if he sees them) will cause them distress.
Obviously the situation is causing distress to the whole family, and my friend's dilemma is whether she follows her gut instinct to take any opportunity (if her daughter-in-law allows it) to see her grandchildren and show them how loved they are--or whether this is being disloyal to her son.
I understand from her, that he thinks love from all members of the family is vital, even if he can't see them himself. Any thoughts out there?

In response to the 'syndrome' comment. The term Parental Alienation Syndrome was not coined by my friend--it appears now to be a recognised pattern of behaviour by one parent that has been dubbed PAS. The article by Ludwig F. Lowenstein of the South East England psychological service, which, I think, appeared in a Medico-Legal journal, is viewable if you google >Parental Alienation Syndrome<
It makes tragic reading, as one can see pain and distress being passed on to the next generation of potential parents.

I think your friend should take any opportunity to see her grandchildren, with her son's knowledge of course. Children greatly benefit from spending time with their grandparents and it would give her a chance to let them know they are very much loved. This is a really sad situation, I really feel for your friend and her family.

Thank you, Faye, for your understanding comments. My friend found them both comforting and encouraging. They have helped strengthen her resolve to see her grandchildren if/whenever possible--and take every opportunity to let them know how much they are loved.

I had never heard the term'Parent Alienation Syndrome' but I certainly feel that my grandson (age 12)is affected by it.
His parents have been divorced 10yrs ,my son had regular if sparse contact with his son and has been a great dad.
For last 6mths after some conflict my grandson has been
back living totally with his mother, her partner and 2 younger half sisters.
My ex-DIL is blocking emails,phone calls and all contact with me,my son and other members of my family .
This is devastating and incomprehensible for me and my son particularly as they only live a mile away from me and since he was a baby I've had a good relationship with my grandson.
I cannot believe that he is allegedly saying he doesn't want to see his real dad.We heard that he has been told to call the new partner DAD.
Sadly I have found that grandparents have NO rights and fathers very few.My son is being driven to go to court but I gather that is expensive and often fruitless
One shaft of light.Through this network I have contacted a grandparents support in Bristol and hope to go to their next gp meeting.
I weep for all those in a similar situation. How can a mother deprive her son of such important parts of his life.

April 25th was Parental Alienation International Awareness Day!!!
Parental Alienation has been affecting many grandparents but is not yet acknowledged in UK courts.A petition has recently been set up to address this.

Article worth reading on Parental Alienation.
http://karenwoodall.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/working-with-the-alienated-child-parents-practioners-and-the-lack-of-perspective-2/
This article is long and not much comfort but a)is written by a woman experienced in this field b)is very recent and up to date -Apr 2012.
I don't recommend reading it late at night!

This thread struck a chord with me....my heart is in my throat. My DS is going through this...I can't go into too much detail (one of the reasons I've refrained from posting on GN for a long while) but after being the main carer for his DD for the 1st year of her life he was booted out and had no contact for weeks! He has got limited contact now but only by going through a solicitor. I know that he was extremely worried that his DD would be alienated from him....and this is an ongoing worry given his ex's mental state. It seems that the law, social services etc are all on the side of the mother regardless of how much (or little) caring she has done. I've probably said more than I should......

That's so sad lucid There is lots of support for you on this network.Do keep posting.Look at the 'Denied Contact' and 'Cut out of their Lives' threads.
What part of the country are you in? Jane who started the former thread can give you info and support.
I agree that the law does seem to be on the side of the mother .

sending hugs and

Maniac Lucid I spent the last year dreaming (nightmares?) about the dreaded Parental Alienation Syndrome, and gathered copious notes to help my son put together his evidence for the court, as ex-DIL systematically set out to alienate son from dad, and even wrote her intentions in a few emails, in the vein of 'you will never see your son again...I will screw you into the ground.' This, after several weeks of grandson staying at dad's 3 times a week, in the lovely flat he had rented 500 yards away so he could be close to his son, take him to school and help him with his homework.

I would say keep every little bit of evidence, keep a diary, any texts, emails, facebook postings, anything at all that demonstrates what is being done to alienate father and child. That incudes anything that is said or written to other people who want to support you, too.

The judge in my son's case took a very dim view of what she had been doing, especially as she undermined her claims by capitulating and allowing contact whenever she wanted money. Bank statements were obtained that evidenced her spending in the off licence and there was a clear pattern betwen drinking and her outbursts, followed by demands for money. The judge told my son to write the access document himself, in discussion with son and with the agreement of her solicitor, who advised her to comply.

Judges are becoming much more aware of PAS now, so take heart and keep going.

The mothers have an awful lot of emotional power over the children. We have two children aged 4 and 6 who live Mon to Fri with their mother and are supposed to come here every weekend and for longer during the school holidays. Weekends usually go to plan (although not always as she can suddenly pull a family party out of the hat) but the longer sessions are more awkward. If we have them for four days during the week we can't have the weekend before or after. Also the 6 year old says she doesn't want to come for such a long time. Yet when she's with us she's perfectly happy and says she likes coming. Although she has said she's worried that mummy will miss her...so from that you can work out the emotional blackmail converstations that are probably taking place.

You bet vampirequeen. My grandson told his daddy last year that mum is unhappy because they will be living in a hostel for the homeless because of him! This is the woman who is taking all the contents and equity from the sale of a massive 5 bedroomed house with sunlounge extension and indoor pool, and will have enough to buy her own reasonable size semi on a mortgage that will be 30 to 40% of its value!!

I think in our case the mother would just like us to disappear. She has a new partner and she wants them to be able to play happy families without us throwing a spanner in the works by existing and wanting to be part of our children's lives.

vampirequeen
Those are the exact words my son has used about his ex-wife and his/our relationship with my grandson.After 11 years of happy times with his Dad he is now alleged to have said that 'he never wants to see his Dad again'-
heartbreaking and unbelievable!

Unbelieveable indeed Maniac. Many things have been said in my grandson's name over the last year, including texts sent to his dad purporting to be from him. Unfortunately, drunken ex-DIL's grammar is nowhere near their son's standard and she cannot disguise the messages are from her e.g. 'u beter bring cars dvd or u can give the mony tomoz - this is from x by the way'

12 year old grandson doesn't send texts that long - always replies 'yes, no or thank you' and will speak on the phone to his dad. The texts arrive after grandson in bed!

It is more likely that statements are being made by the person alienating children from dads and grandparents, not the children themselves.

The sad thing is that the child is the real victim in all of this but the mother never sees that. The child becomes a weapon which she uses to beat her partner regardless of the effect it has on the child.

Yes, you're right vampirequeen. A callous thing to do!

Its incredible when you read through the posts of the times this kind of behaviour comes up. I feel it must be more common than you might think. Indeed I suspect my DIL may have a touch of it if you read my previous posts. The only answer seems to take it through the courts at huge expense and stress and hope the judge has enough common sense to realise whats going on and deal with the matter fairly and appropriately. I had heard of the syndrome on "Families need Fathers" some time ago.
There are over 600 posts on the subject "Cut out of their lives" on GN !!!
Sobering ...

This thread also struck a cord for me. I'm my ex's 2nd wife [long story don't ask] and his ex made keeping in contact with his 2 girls as difficult as she could. Cancelling access visits at the last moment, threatening his mother that she'd never see her GC if I ever went to her house. I'd met him after they had split up BTW. Then when she wanted a weekend free to go out with a new boyfriend she'd ring at the last moment - so we had to break any plans as it meant he could see his children. She went potty when I got pregnant and put more threats and demands on him. She used to send the girls in virtual rags, with torn hems and holey socks. Hoping we'd take them out for new stuff. Once the older one broke down and said' why does mummy keep sending us in these old things we've got heaps of nice clothes'. We also found out that she took the labels off our Xmas and birthday presents and put her labels on. We soon cottoned onto that and had them open up the presents when we gave them. We finally had to escape and moved to the U.S. as she was beginning to tell the girls the most enormous lies about us. I met the oldest one years later quite by accident. She told me that her mother used to badger them into hating their father. Happily, even though we'd split up I was able to arrange a reunion for my ex with his girls. It went really well and they also met up with my two again.

My goodness dorset I recognise that behaviour so well. Ex-DIL fishing out old shoes to send grandson out in and claiming he has no others (after I had just bought him new shoes three days before), sending him to a party in his school trousers, saying nothing else fits him - all lies of course, and designed to alienate as many people as possible from my son. These days, she is keeping a lower profile, having blotted her copy book so many times - grandson is able to assert his wishes to see his dad, and tomorrow my son has told her I will be meeting him from school, too, as she has sabotaged a couple of plans in the last fortnight. I think she realises now that she can't just deny their son his right to see his dad and family if he wants to.

Maniac, whenim64 thanks for your kind thoughts...much needed. It seems a common theme....I think my DS's ex would like him to disappear out of her life. On his last visit there was no food in the house! He went prepared with food for himself and DD but is still unsure whether she cleared the fridge etc or whether there was really no food. Now he's worried that his DD is not being fed properly - she is only 14months.