Is it normal to have very little interest in your grandchildren?

dotty342kids I appreciate that you're feeling stressed and distressed by the situation, but, trust me, there is no glory in being a grandma. There's surprise, joy, delight, worry, anxiety and a million other emotions. You are, perhaps, attributing attitudes to your mother that she may not feel. Deep breaths, stand back, try to open the channels of communication. It may not achieve anything – but worth a try, I would say.

Finally, none of us who has not been there can know what it is like to watch a long-term partner die. Of course, you have a right to choose about your father's connections with your family, especially if there have been issues in the past. What you should not do, I reckon, is in any way sideline you mother because of these issues at a difficult time in an older woman's life.

Hi Golden, your "story" sounds so like mine! I agree, it's very sad when someone's attitudes and behaviour impact on everyone around them. My children have a great relationship with their other grandma who is far less physically fit and active and therefore doesn't "do" much with them but she smothers them with love which, to me, is of huge value.

Stansgran, that was rather brutal! First and foremost I want my kids to have a grandma who actually seems to enjoy spending time with them, rather than one who only wants the glory of being a grandma but isn't prepared to put any time and effort into it! The odd hour or two of babysitting (more than every eight years) wouldn't go amiss either, particularly as my mum's M.I.L used to look after me twice a week, every week whilst I was young and my parents were working. You'd think she'd remember how helpful that was and think to offer similar occasionally..............
It sounds as though, even though you don't live close and are slightly restricted by your bad back, you do what you can for your grandchildren and they are lucky to have someone so committed.
Your final point - here really isn't the time to go into the whole saga of my dad and I but I have huge compassion for them both and do what I can to support her from a distance. I'm just not willing to let him back into my / my kid's lives when all he does is cause upset and stress to us all.

I am sorry for dotty but ,to be brutally truthful ,she has to ask herself does she want a relationship for her children or cheap childcare . I love reading to my grandchildren but I loathe bathing them as it hurts my back. I have a complete set of nursery goods and toys especially for them -which I also loan out to friends with visiting gcs. I also spend a fortune(which I don't really have) on travelling to see them. If I only saw my dds twice a year I would want to spend time with them I suspect, if I had had a good relationship with them. And your poor mother has a husband with cancer-would you feel more compassion if it had been a second husband not your father with whom you have issues.

Right, harrigran, I cannot imagine having to pack baby stuff into my little terraced house! Even now that the GC are bigger, they come equipped with ready-beds.

A bit presumptious," mother should have baby equipment" we have done our bit do we really need to have every room cluttered with baby stuff when we are passed reproduction. Being a parent is all about packing the car with travel cot, bottles and nappies if you want to travel with a baby.

Dotty this rings so many bells with me, especially as I'm an only child too of only child parents [well, my dad's tale is a story in itself]. My mother loved to be known as a Grandma - as long as she didn't have to do anything. She did all the 'right' things such as birthday and Christmas gifts but wasn't at all proactive. She lived 200 miles away but even when we went to visit she wouldn't have any baby things available and we had to take the lot - and I mean, the lot - although we managed to borrow a cot. It put us off going as it was such hard work. Her attitude was: you have children you look after them which was rich as I was always being farmed out to my grandmother. I have always been very disappointed that there was no relationship and my children feel sad too. When they had their own children they wanted her to be proud of them, but because neither of my children is married - but have caring partners - she would accept a short visit, but wouldn't allow them to stay over even though they'd travelled 200 miles to see her. I always kept her updated on the family but it's been very hurtful. But it was her loss-she missed so much.

Oh Dotty I feel so sorry for you and your Mum. Perhaps as you say you do need to be more direct with your invitations and ask her to help more with the children. She is missing so much. My daughter lives abroad but I have seen her 3 or 4 times a year at least since my grandchildren were born and usually for at least a week at a time. The bond between grandparents and grandchildren is such a special one and I hope you and your Mum can work towards her getting closer to your children.

Libradi, think you have hit the nail on the head there - she is definitely far more interested in spending time with me than my husband or children! I know that is lovely (sort of) and I do always make sure that within a weekend visit she gets an afternoon shopping / evening meal out with just me. However, given the complete lack of help and support from her a part of me also really resents doing this and I can't bring myself to do any more!

All of your comments have been really helpful and perhaps I do need to be more direct with my invitations to get her involved with the children.....

Just to share some irony with you - she's been a social worker, specifically working with small children for most of her career so it can't be that she doesn't like kids!!

Grannyactivist - I too regard my friends as a much more loyal, loving and supportive group of people than my actual family!

Dotty

Poor you, Dotty. I can understand the breakdown of your relationship with your father as the same happened to me after my mother died. As far as your mother goes, again she sounds just like my mother, I had four daughters, she would come & visit (with my father, I might add) and sat around all day waiting to be amused, she would eat her own breakfast whilst my children were asking for theirs!! She never did anything with them at all and like you, unless my DMIL or we had a babysitter at great expense, my husband & I never went out. I was extremely cross at the time, but never said anything. I did not want to upset her as she would have been distraught. Now I have five grandchildren of my own I see the whole situation in a different light, She brought me up in a totally different way to how I brought my children up, but my siblings & I were happy. She was not particularly "Hands on" so to change a habit of a lifetime would have been difficult. It just never occured to her to read/play/bath or take my children anywhere but that was also her choice. She missed out on all the pleasures that I now have with my own grandchildren and I feel very sorry for her loss but I don't think she would have looked at it like that, I knew that she loved my children.

As far as your mother is concerned about being with your children on her own, this may be a confidence thing, I found it a huge responsibility to be in charge of my precious grandchildren to start with, but obviously in time got over this.

My Mother died over 20 years ago and my children hardly remember her at all, unfortunately that is a direct result of her actions, how sad is that?

Oh dear - the longer I live the less I seem to think that there is a 'normal'! One thing I do know though is that behavioural changes usually come about slowly and only if the person involved wants to change. Your mum is the way she is I'm afraid - and from what you've said it doesn't look likely to me that she has any inclination to change. (I love being a granny, so I can't pretend to understand her.) By all means raise the matter (very carefully) with your mother, but be prepared to live with the status quo just in case.

Look amongst your circle of friends for someone who might take on the role of grandparent to your children; there are a lot of men and women who would love to be a part of a young family. I have several young mums (and dads) who regard me as granny to their children and I feel very privileged by having these people in my life. I think too much is made of the genetic bond - I regard my friends as my 'family of choice' and although I dearly love my children's children, I also love my four (soon to be five) 'grandchildren' who are not blood relations.

Hi dotty342kids I think grandparenting is different for everyone, we all do things differently.

My first thought after reading your message is what sort of relationship do you and your mum have? I know you only see each other for two weekends a year, do you speak regularly on the telephone or write/email to each other in between? You said when your mum comes to visit she doesn't spend any time with her grandchildren on her own and needs you to entertain her, maybe she wants to spend time with you just as much as her grandchildren?

dotty342kids I wonder if your mother is over-anxious and abnormally sensitive about not intruding on your family life. Grandparents, especially perhaps grandmothers, are often very conscious of the fact that they are not the parents and are concerned that their sons, daughters, sons-in-law and daughters-in law might see their well-meant offers of help as interference or trying to undermine them. Consequently, they can come over as uninterested, even uncaring about their grandchildren. (Being a granny is lovely, but it's not all plain sailing.)

When she visits, perhaps it would be helpful to get her involved with ordinary activities with the children, such as bath-time – with you to begin with and then, maybe, on her own. Why not ask her if she'd like to read the bedtime story? You haven't really got anything to lose. If she's says no, nothing has changed. If she says yes, then it might be the beginning of a closer relationship for all three generations.

By the way, although you and your father are estranged, you shouldn't underestimate how his illness affects your mother. You mention that you have no uncles and aunts or siblings, so your mother may also lack loving companions to confide in about her concerns and worries, including your father's health and the prospect of widowhood. I wonder if her mentioning about staying where she is now and moving nearer to you when she needs help might be her way of trying to establish a closeness without suggesting any kind of her taking over – albeit confusingly put and pretty inarticulate. It does sound to me that communication between the two of you is perhaps not as open as it might be. Maybe the way forward is for you to try to be a bit more open yourself and see how she responds. This does not mean that I am suggesting that you are in some way at fault, merely that the remedy for a situation that is clearly making you unhappy and, reading between the lines, your mother unhappy too, lies in your hands.