Family moving close by....

Hi MaNana. Like Gagagran we also did it the other way around and recently moved home to be closer to son and his children. To be honest I did it to make life easier as was having a horrendous time getting the 2 oldest to school every morning (as they stay with me 2 days a week due to parents working shifts).

I love having them so close as it gives me a little bit peace of mind knowing I can be there quickly. Do I get taken advantage of? You bet.

I wouldn't say anything before they come MaNana, just enjoy having them near you.

DD1 lives just five minutes drive away but DD2 and DS both live three hours away (in opposite directions). I would be ecstatic is they moved just fifteen minutes away. The last thing I would be thinking of is making ground rules....Open house would be more like it.

Thanks ladies, good food for thought from everyone, sound advice methinks!

My son and dil live five minutes away and my dd lives about 45 mins away, I have their keys and they have mine. None of us would dream of using the keys unless we asked first or it was an emergency.
If I'm needed to babysit (not often) they book me well in advance, and I can say no without worrying!
I think it's about mutual respect.

I live close to DS1 and DD and both welcome to call any time. I know I can call at their houses any time but even though I have a key would never dream of just letting myself in. I still have a young son at home so we have reciprocal babysitting agreements and it works very well for us. DSCs are also regular visitors plus family come to stay as we live by the sea. Our house needs lots of work and I used to worry when people came to stay but the greatest compliment was when a visitor said it was very homely and comfortable. DPs ex-wife was obsessively houseproud and his family said they used to feel so uncomfortable as the cushions were being plumped as soon as they stood up! Lots of family gatherings at our place and I love it!

We moved to be near our two DDs to help with regular childcare, DD2 having moved here to be near her sister. We all live within 10 mins walk from one another & have keys to each others homes but only for emergencies..not to let ourselves in for an unannounced visit! We did not have a formal discussion... boundaries have, happily, happened naturally.
If asking for childcare over and above the regular they are thoughtful and never upset if we cannot do it. We also offer to do an extra school run etc if we think it will help at extra busy times. We do say no if we have other plans and that is fine, they know we have our own interests/ work etc! As sisters they help each other out too. Because of the regular childcare we have not felt the need to 'just pop in' as we see each other two /three times a week anyway!
When they all come here for a meal I ask them to bring something e.g the pudding / the drinks etc so it all works OK.
Hmm! just read this through and it sounds a bit like the Waltons..we are far from it I promise!

kitty It is so funny that you think the same as me I would never just pop in uninvited or expected more so at my DDs than my DSs home,I think it is a matter of "the other females space" if you know what I mean.I would not have the talk with a DIL as it does depend on the relationship you have,I would tend to say (tongue in cheek) remember we have our own lives and friends to see,and would like plenty of notice (except emergencies) if any baby sitting is needed.On another note my DD lives 10mins from me and I have a front door key,both DSs live 10/15mins away DS1 visits every blue moon but DS2 has his own key and pops in as though he has never left home.

I am so glad that none of you 'pop in'. We have a son and a daughter living fairly close and we never just pop in even though they are more than welcome to do so here. I was concerned that we were not interested enough as, in both cases, our opposite numbers do pop in!

Our eldest daughter and her (very new) husband lived in the same village as us for a while and we wouldn't have dreamed of calling round unannounced but the other mum used to just turn up and go in via the back door! Just hope she didn't see anything she wasn't expecting.

McNana, don't have the conversation until some thing occurs to make it natural.

I agree about finding the need to establish "ground rules" slightly strange and it could appear off-putting. As long as they realise, as they must, that prior commitments are precisely that - except in an emergency,I don't see the problem. Lucky you - I would love not to have to do a round trip of 150 miles to see our DGC!

We have our DD living five mins away and it works very well. It was not necessary to have "the talk" but we both wrote our own rules I think. The main one is that we never ever just pop in (even though they say they really don't mind) and also we only contact them at the weekend if really necessary. As a result our SIL really appreciates us and they know they have their space. Personally I am quite happy to be "used" as often as is needed but am quite comfortable saying no at times. I think if you are to say anything it is that you must all be totally honest with each other and say what you feel, then there are no misunderstandings xx

I agree that it depends on your relationship with your son and his wife, but I don't think you need to go so far as to set ground rules just yet, especially as they'll be stressed enought with the move!

One thing I have noticed though, is that sons especially tend to take mum's cooperation for granted more than daughters, who will at least ask first, so if yours is like that perhaps have a word with him?

I think I'd wait for a little bit before raising the subject or they might it a bit unwelcoming? maybe I'm a bit too sensitive but I think thats how I'd take it.

We're about to do it the other way round MaNana - we are moving about the same distance (15 mins) from my daughter and two children (10 and 7) but have had "the talk" already.

We have agreed that DH and I are at liberty to say "No" to any requests for back up child care/babysitting etc that we don't want to or can't do. Also that we will not just "pop in" to their place (but I am happy for them to do so to ours!) There will be no muscling in uninvited on their social life or guests - or on ours. We see our role as emergency back and support up in addition to the normal family gatherings which will take place, as they do now. Having said that we already have 2 babysitting dates pencilled in!

I really think it's important to speak up and clarify the ground rules now before the move takes place when frustrations and feelings of being taken for granted may so easily creep in and spoil the close relationship. It might have been easier for us because my daughter is very sensible and unafraid to discuss these things in a non-emotional way. Depends on your relationship with DS and DDi I suppose. Good luck!

I think it would depend on your relationship with them and if you think they are likely to ask for a lot of help. I think I would take it as it comes and just say no when you have something else on or don't want to do it. I think you could damage the relationship (especially with a DiL), if you say something that makes them think that you think they might take advantage.