Help me to understand

gillybob...I respect you for taking 'the middle road'...and I also understand that right now you're feeling miffed...sending you good vibes and a warm

Brilliant, j

I am glad we can all have a giggle. Thank you for your good vibes and warm smiley soop.

I tend to try and take the middle road whenever possible. I tend to find it a little less bumpy and not quite as uphill as the other two.

I can see a market for that................ Good vibes and warm smiley soup

I think it will be a little spicy with a hint of the Caribbean. Yummy.

My DIL would just have said "i'll take her/him now" if she wanted her baby back.

...nothing wrong with preferring that route, gilly. There's enough aggro' in the world without adding to it...

There is no aggression in this thread.

*Bags...of course not. We GNs are here to support each other. Thank goodness I was referring to the folk who enjoy annoying each other... albeit within a family, on the street, in the playground, on the football pitch, in a queue at sale time...it's a sad fact of life, that if they can stir up trouble, then they somehow feel important.

I tend to take the middle road because I prefer a friendly resolution...either that, or I'm a spineless wimp!

I think satsum has taken the middle road up to now, soop, but is feeling frustrated at the lack of progress. That's my interpretation anyway. I know you would never encourage aggro of any kind and we love you for it

Bags I couldn't take myself off for the two hour regulation nap until I heard from you..I feel all warm inside now that I know I haven't offended you.

Try harder next time, soop!

I am inclined to take posts at their face value, unless they are obviously tongue-in-cheek.

I think satsum has had good advice here - in general we all agree that MIL's behaviour is not the norm (some thinking it is extreme, others that it is just odd). But satsum has her answer there - virtually unanimously.

It is now down to her to deal with it in her own way - and, judging by her posts, it is likely to be a balanced and thoughtful way, trying to avoid any sort of breach - but hopefully her priorities are now clearer; and she will be able to be kind but firm. No need for aggro, just clarity.

I am sure we all wish her good luck.

Gillibob I have just come on and read all your recent posts and I do totally agree with all of them. Some common sense should prevail and it doesn't help to make out that MiL is a terrible person. Of course there is more to this than we know, it has been going on for 8 months and I am pretty sure that DiL took baby away if it was hungry otherwise there would have been a fall out long before this.

My experience is that when (if) things get too heated it does end up with a full scale row and both sides are prone to say things which they may later regret but find it hard to retract. Caution is required and I am sure MiL is not what some GNs are suggesting.

Bags- please don't stop posting your wonderfully clear and grammatical comments. I would not comment on another member's use of English, unless it were offensive, which the use of 'one' in the correct context is not.
Long live the queen!

I think the replies on this thread have been mostly sensible and constructive and I see no reason for questioning the motives of the OP.
Good luck, satsum.

For reasons best known to itself my laptop decided to shut down half way through my contribution about 6 hours ago and i just wanted to add that I am with you gillybob and think this has somehow been blown up out of proportion so that the MIL seems like a monster. I just think she must think she has the magic touch with babies and perhaps walks her about to settle her. I can't go with the image of this monster MIL snatching a babe from the breast! I am sure she is trying to give her DIL a break and like all grans, means well. How much might she be criticised of she handed the baby back at the first cheep?
Surely itis easy enough to say "I'll take her Mum" withut anybody being upset or offended? New mums are very sensitive as are new grans - many of us have already commented on what a minefield grandmotherhood can be, like tiptoing on eggshells. Chill, and enjoy her help!

satsum says that her MIL does get upset when she responds in a normal way - this is the problem. MIL is "devastated" when she takes the baby away. Are we to tell her that this is normal?! Jolly solutions of "I'll take her Mum" seem to be out of the window here - if it was as easy as that, I guess she would not have posted in the first place!

I agree, Mishap.No one has made MIL out to be a monster, 'snatching a babe from the breast', gracesmum - the mum never got the chance to put the babe to the breast because MIL had run out of the room with her!

There are obviously two camps here, but as has been said before, we can only go on what satsum told us, and we have given our best advice based on that information.

It seems that satsum's daughter is the little girl MIL never had.
From the OP it sounds as if MIL feels she is a mother again.
Satsum will have to be very very firm. She must show MIL that she is the mother and therefore the boss. Only then will MIL learn
that she is a grandmother, and a grandmother only.

Sorry,anagram I took your comment literally: -
"Yees...but to run out of the room with the baby when satsum was breastfeeding! "

Oh, I see, gracesmum - no, not while she was breastfeeding! I think I made my feelings clear in previous posts, but there were two threads running at the same time and the waters became muddied!

johanna - lovely to hear from you again!

There was a similar thread on Mumsnet a while back. Every time MIL held the baby, she would soon start to cry for her mum. MIL became paranoid that the baby "didn't like her" and would try more & more desperately to console her until forced to hand her over.
The advice to this mum was certainly to be firm and take her daughter back before she got too distressed. However, other mums also suggested checking if there were reasons why the baby often cried with MIL- did she hold the baby in an awkward way or was the baby always hungry when they visited? It was surprising how many posters said, "Oh, my Mum/MIL was just the same!"

It sounds like over-possessiveness, which is what I thought right from the beginning. Please don't read too much into that phrase. Why do some people have such difficulty with the idea that if you can't soothe the baby quickly, the best thing is to hand it back to its mum? She (and the dad) will be the ones who smell right, feel right, etc. It's only like this while they're tiny. They do grow out of it.

In short, it's only natural for a baby to want its mum and vice-versa. Why fight that?

Sometimes grannies can be comforting - though this one evidently isn't. Is she a bit anxious to make the baby like her? And does this stress communicate itself to the child? My mum was great when DS2 was miserable, which he often was - she usually got him off to sleep with his head on her comfortable shoulder, for which I was profoundly grateful, even though we were often at loggerheads over other issues!

And now that this baby is 8 months old, it would be good if both mum and granny got down on the floor together to play with her. This would give her another view of her GM, rather than the one who is anxious for her to appreciate her cuddles.