Long distance grandparenting gone horrible wrong

oliviasings I am sorry to hear of your family troubles and the sadness you are experiencing just now.

I was a bit confused by one part of your post:

"I have not talked to my sons friend who has been like an extra grand son to me, he told my son because he did not want to hurt me,"

I am not certain what he told your son or what this is about or which son it refers to..America or local ... and how significant this is to the whole scenario?

Have you written to your daughter..via a private message on FB if you do not have a current address, to ask her to explain what exactly has hurt her so much to cause her to cut herself off and to say how much you love her?? I can only imagine your distress at this situation.

I would like to thank everyone for discussing this post, I am not upset by any adverse comments. Everyone is entitled to air their views.But it has helped me to read what greatnan had to say. Thank you for sharing that you have been through something similar. When I felt so desperate in the small hours I just did not know where to turn and did not want to burden my son and upset him. He is a wonderful son and has been very supportive for the last ten years since my husband died. Thank you nightowl for my hug.I am so glad I joined this forum, it has helped to share this, even though it still hurts. Perhaps I was looking for sympathy, but more than anything I am trying to come to terms with something I just dont understand. Maybe it is too soon to make any sense of any of it. I know there are two sides to every story, I just wish my daughter could have talked to me and perhaps I could have helped her. Maybe I will never know.

I think some posts may have been misunderstood here. In no way was I suggesting that anyone had done anything wrong - not you, Greatnan, not oliviasings nor any other estranged parent. In suggesting that the view of the estranged child may be different from that of the parent is not pointing the finger of blame, just stating a possibility. This is obviously a very sensitive subject so I'll withdraw, but I wish all of you who are in this very sad position the best possible outcome.

Oh my what sad sad stories - so many people at logger heads with their children for various reasons. I couldn't bear being estranged from mine. I've had the odd row with each of them and one of us has flounced off into the other room. Never gone as far as some of these stories. As family [and having Irish blood] we tend to flare up, have a good row and that is the end of it. No sulking, no recriminations. Mind you none of my children have been drug users, long term use as we all know produces paranoid delusions. As Hildaw says Facebook has a lot to answer for. On the plus side I have been able to contact old friends via facebook and keep track on the goings on of other friends. However, I feel people post too much and that is how Olivia's family have been able to hurt her. I do hope you can all resolve your issues with your family.

I don't understand the insistence on their being two sides to every story. If a man beats his wife because she does not have his dinner ready on time, are there two sides to that story? I am willing to believe that Olivia has done everything she can to be a good loving mother and grandmother, as I have, and does not deserve the way she is being treated by her family.
I know of other couples who have got married abroad without inviting their parents, who had no idea of the reason. My nephew left my sister looking after his cats one weekend and came back on Sunday night and announced they had got married. He didn't invite any of his three brothers either. He has now cut off all contact without explanation, without any arguments even though my sister supported him for three years while he did a degree in his late 20s.
No doubt he has some motive for his cruel behaviour but it does not mean that his mother has done anything wrong.

When they were young children I think that my son may have felt I favoured his sister being the only girl, but we talked about it then and I reassured him that Mam loved all of my children and he says today that he never worried about it after. It never occurred to me that my daughter may be jealous of her brother. He feels that she may be blaming me for her marriage, but to be fair she made her choices and never asked me if she should marry him 21 years ago. I love her so much and fear that I may have lost her forever.

Very well put granjura, and I do hope you will find some peace oliviasings. Thank goodness for your son who obviously senses how much you are hurting at the moment and here is a virtual ((hug)) to add to the many more offered on here.

I think it is too early for Olivia to look dispassionately at the circumstances-sometimes it takes years to see why something occurred. She can analyse all she likes but she is blinded by too much emotion at the moment. Give her a break.

Of course there is always 2 sides to a story - but am deeply shocked about the level of cruelty shown by some here to someone who is hurting so much. What's wrong with a bit of caring and tlc. So sad,

Oliviasings, rise, rise above, and hope you find some peace soon.
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What is waffle, johanna? People expressing sympathy?

Sorry all.
I am with jo4 here. She makes sense.
The rest is waffle.

I wanted sympathy and mostly I got it, apart from one very unpleasant post - there is nothing constructive anyone can offer me. I also did not want people to think I was smug because I seem to have such an idyllic life - which I do, apart from this one terrible loss.
I am sure that is what Olivia expected too.
I think we should accept what members tell us - some of us are suffering enough heartache without having our stories questioned.

"only the people concerned know the full story"

Exactly.

It is difficult know when someone posts about family troubles on here, whether they want sympathy only, or something perhaps more constructive.

I meant the other person in the family situation, Greatnan - not any Tom, Dick or Harry. Of course only the people involved know the full story. That's the point - the other party in the story has their own point of view as well. Which we as outsiders will never know.

No, Anagram, I do not agree that anybody has the right to a point of view about another person's family relationships, as only the people concerned know the full story. My daughter suffers from paranoid delusions brought on by drug abuse and I am certainly not responsible for that. Perhaps the blame lies with the surgeon who butchered her, so that she was in so much pain that she had to be given very strong painkillers but it certainly does not lie with me.

...I meant 'first' ....

Greatnan's right. Fist and foremost is that Olivia can feel that she's found a group of people who will help and support her [which she has]. The next stage will be possibly trying to analyse what's gone wrong and then finding some way of resolving it. But, at this moment in time she needs a bit of tlc. Just knowing that other people understand is the first step.

Surely the other person has a right to their point of view as well, though? It may be black and white to one person who feels wronged, in that they feel there is no blame attached to them - but there is of course always another side. There can't not be! No one is insinuating anything, as far as I can see.

Charlotta, you are wrong to say no family problems are one sided. I have done nothing but care for my daughter and her family and my other daughter knows it, as well as my eldest grand-daughter. It does not help to have people insinuating that I am somehow partly to blame.
I know that several other members are in the same position, also through no fault of their own.

JO4 I am sure you mean well. No family problem is only one sided and families can be very bitter towards one another. In real lfe- not films and TV, ther is a lot of sibling strife. My mother had 3 sisters and they were always at it. I lost any desire for a big family after that.

That's fine.

I think people should be free to post as much or as little as they like about their problems. We are not a judge and a jury and we have no right to question anything a member posts.
I think what Olivia is looking for is warmth and support.

You see, I just think it's best to try to get to the bottom of a situation like this, because then you can try to sort it out more effectively. And that must be useful in the long run.

I don't mean to be unkind.

This must be one of the saddest stories we've heard and my heart goes out to you. You say your daughter took the family history and photos and death certificates not belonging to her.
I feel she may be wanting to 'get at ' you in some way, otherwise why should she take these things? You could write and ask her to have legal copies made. After all it was stealing wasn't it? Something like that - unemotional- might jolt her out of this cruel mood she is in with you.
Its a real pity the children, who had such a lovely holiday with you have taken her side. They will have to I suppose. They sound a spoilt lot and you did spoil them. Did they give you anything or treat you or was it all one-sided?
Good that you have a son nearby. So he tells you he loves you everyday. My daughters who do love me I think, never say that. As a family we don't go in for it. He perhpas does it because he is ashamed of how his sister treated you.
Take it as he means it. It must be a comfort to you.

Oh dear! I hope you can get some sleep tonight.

I meant to add, olivia, my son tells me every time we meet, that he loves me - as do both of my daughters (now)! It's what we do. Just a hug, and a 'Love you'.