Long distance grandparenting gone horrible wrong

Olivia, I understood exactly how I feel, because my daughter turned on me viciously and accused me of stealing from her. I had supported her financially and emotionally through a seven year battle to get compensation for medical negligence. She has three adult children still living at home and they have all blocked me without any explanation. Luckily, her oldest daughter who lives with her fiance and their two little girls, maintains contact and assures me that they know quite well that I have done nothing wrong.
Like you, I had all the family to stay with me in France and did my best to give them good holidays.
For the first few months, I obsessed about this estrangement, hardly sleeping and losing a lot of weight, and seeing my bp shoot up. With the help and support of my other daughter , who lives in New Zealand, and her six children, I have gradually learnt to accept that I may never see my younger daughter again and I have grieved as if she had died.
I can only hope that my grandchildren will have the courage to contact me once they get away from home - at the moment, the boys,who are 28 and 21, are both unemployed and dependent on their mother.
I know my daughter is heavily addicted to codeine and she may have cut all contact with myself and her sister because, unlike her children, we know when she is lying about her drug abuse. She has suffered from paranoid delusions, brought on by drugs, in the past.
I did write a very loving letter, saying how much I loved her, but it just brought another spiteful tirade of accusations, so I have now given up.

It may be that your daughter has had so many worries about her marriage and finances that she has suffered some sort of breakdown and taken it out on you. Perhaps a letter will produce some good results - it is worth trying.

I did find it helpful to pour out all my hurt on this site, and received almost total support, apart from one person who suggested my daughter's accusations might be true. I am afraid you do get the odd person who tries to make it seem that you are to blame - ignore them.

All of the hurt you are feeling has come tumbling out in your post, oliviasings. It's all there. Even if you have an inkling of an idea of what might just have led to the beginning of the problems, it still makes no difference to the agonies you're going through now. I've been in that position too - and although my daughter lived round the corner, she may as well have lived across the other side of the world, such was the depth of the loss I felt. Hang on in there, keep on posting here and you'll get so much support. Be kind to yourself. xx

Oh I'm so sorry. I'm currently estranged from my daughter so I understand up to a point how you feel and also the incomprehension as to, when having put so much effort into their visit, it has resulted in this. Please keep talking on here as many times as you like [and for as long as you like]. Can sense a huge group hug currently envelopping you..hope you can feel it!

As Nonu says - just don't know what to add. We also live a long way away from our daughters and grand-children and your story makes me so sad.

I am amazed that so many people do put personal comments to 'get at people' on FB- which I find totally out of order and so dangerous. Once there, there forever. HUGS

Dear oliviasings. What on earth can anyone say to offer comfort or understanding? The only thing that occurs to me is that when someone is having a terrible time – and your daughter was probably having quite long-term difficulties with her husband before she came to see you, given that her marriage [and business] has ended, I think, shortly after she returned home – the person to whom he or she in that sort of situation often expresses most anger and resentment is the person with whom they feel most secure. In addition, there is sometimes a self-destructive urge – I shall see if this person who claims to love me can live up to what he/she says. There can be a hugely contradictory desire to push the limits until the "strong and reliable" figure gives way and an equally desperate desire for them to hold firm.

My heart goes out to you and all I can suggest is that you keep the faith – that you just keep on keeping on being who you are and how you are. Good luck

This is a terrible story and my heart goes out to you .

I'm so sorry about what has happened to you oliviasings. As others have said, you will find a lot of understanding and support on here so please keep posting whenever you need to. I hope your daughter will come to her senses when she has come through her own personal crisis, and realise how much she has hurt you

Why on earth would your son have got married in America and not invited you to the wedding? Sorry, but there must have been a reason for that, but you haven't told us what it is.

Now your daughter after visiting over here, has returned and cut all ties. And you say you don't know any reason for this except that she had a disagreement with her younger brother.

You also say that your youngest son tells you every day that he loves you. That is quite unusual isn't it?

I don't think we have got all the background here. For example, what was the disagreement with the younger brother about?

Could the two older children have any reason to be extremely jealous of the youngest child. Because it sounds as though that could be at the root of it.

Oh oliviasings how awful for you. I don't know why some adult children are so cruel for no apparent reason,and I'm sure your heart is breaking.
Thankfully you still have one son who loves you dearly and it seems, so does his friend.
Please come on here and unload whenever you need some comfort, there are lots of kind people who will listen and sympathise.

P.S. having just read what you say about your younger son, perhaps there has been a touch of unresolved jealousy in the mix?

I do think Facebook has a lot to answer for. It was started as a way for students to keep in touch and has just grown too darn big. Us oldies (over 30 I think!) dont see it for the rather shallow and transitory thing it can be. Its no real substitute for proper one to one real communication for the stuff that matters.
I dont think any of that will help you oliviasings but I just think that you can largly take what happens on there with a large pinch of salt.

Obviously a lot has been going on in your family that was not made open to you and I can only imagine how upset and bewildered you feel. Perhaps a letter written by you in the cold light of day - Also read it again before you send it? Dont ask too much, just a few open ended questions to try to re-establish a more level headed contact.

I do hope you do find some sort of explanation and some peace of mind.

Thank you for replying so quickly Jesse M, I have not been able to sleep, because I am so devastated. I have to say that my youngest son who is 37 has been so kind and considerate and rings me everyday to make sure I am ok, He tells me every day that he loves me, which is so wonderful. I am so grateful that he is not embarrassed to say so, although he teases me by saying I am an old duffer and need caring for lol
I have not talked to my sons friend who has been like an extra grand son to me, he told my son because he did not want to hurt me,

Oh that is a sad story olivia and many of us who have families abroad, or family rifts will be able to empathise.
All I can say right now is that some people who are in the midst of a life crisis (and it sounds as though she is) do strange and unaccountable things, lashing out sometimes at people who do not deserve it. "Uproar" I think someone once called it.
Also if someone behaves badly (as she did - taking things without your permission and not saying goodbye etc ) they sometimes then rationalise to themselves that somehow the other person deserved it.
You say you have one son left living locally? I hope he is supportive to you.
The grandchild who is posting on Facebook - if the other children have their FB security tied down and "unfriend" her, then she will not be able to access their FB sites. The trouble is some young people leave their FB sites open to all. It is not a good idea.
I have got one like that for business contacts etc which anyone can see (if anyone wants to join me there you are welcome) and another one for family and friends that is, I hope hidden.