More pain for long distance Grandparents

For anyone dealing with long distance adult children / young grandchildren, I recommend the Facebook group called Scattered Families.
It's a dedicated group where we can give and receive support from people in this situation

I have now started looking at the date of the posts before replying.

Why aren't old threads removed. 12 years is ridiculous.

I would not describe long distance grandparenting as 'relatively unique'.
Many people on GN have grandchildren abroad, myself included. In 'real life' I know many whose grandchildren are in Australia, New Zealand etc.
What would be good and interesting would be if the poster (s) returned to the forum to tell us how they are getting on.

I just want to note that when a discussion is relevant to one's circumstances, it makes little difference how long ago the topic was initiated. Especially when the topic is relatively unique, as long-distance grandparenting is. Starting a new thread that discusses the same subject seems redundant to me, especially when older threads contain valuable information/revelation; but maybe because I post so infrequently, I'm not aware of how this place works.

I have five grandchildren, the youngest is 16, the eldest 22. I did my bit when they were young where caring for them was concerned. These day I put my hand in my pocket and help them out financially.

Georgesgran

***********THE THREAD IS 12 YEARS OLD!!!*******

Oh yes!

It would be nice if hopefulnanny could come back and let us know how the teenagers are doing!!

Surely, the most important thing for all of us is that our children and gc are happy and healthy, wherever they are, and we must rejoice in the fact that they have other people who are loving and supportive of them.

This is why you are Great, Greatnan

*********THE THREAD IS 12 YEARS OLD!!!*****

Your daughter is expecting another baby so needs to visit your earlier than expected . A new GC wonderful news - congratulations! Your DD is pregnant and has a little one to manage and is aware of the difficulty you have with regard to your son . She is coming, although earlier than you expected, ok so you won't be with your GS for his 1st birthday but he will be with you sooner - just celebrate earlier! problem solved . I think under the circumstances your DD is doing the best she can . Look forward to their visit , cherish the time they are with you and please don't feel badly done to !! In laws staying with your DD that is a long time ! Don't think I would have wanted that after my children were born ( loved my lovely Mum but wouldn't even have wanted that from her! ) However that is beside the point - the point is your DD will have her in laws support, you naturally feel slighted but it is what it is !!
Don't worry about cancelling the hall! IMO booking a venue for a one year old is not necessary. Instead why not have an early birthday celebration in your home - invite family and friends and enjoy!! It will be an intimate gathering with you hosting and an afternoon for all to remember. I think your DD is doing well to fly when pregnant and have a little one in tow - not easy on a long flight . Appreciate her thoughtfulness and enjoy precious family time . Be happy 😀.

Good point.

I imagine 12 years on someone is dealing with a similar problem so useful to read the replies.

I expect lots of opportunities have arisen in the 12 years since this thread was started.

I'm sorry to hear about the difficult situation you're facing. It's completely understandable to feel a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and resentment, especially when plans change unexpectedly. It sounds like you have a lot of love for your daughter and grandchildren, and it's natural to want to be a part of their lives as much as possible.

It might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your daughter and son-in-law about your feelings. Expressing your emotions calmly and respectfully can help them understand your perspective. It's possible they may not have realized the impact of their decision on you and your husband, especially considering your disabled son's situation.

Additionally, try to focus on the positives, such as the arrival of a new grandchild and the support your daughter will have from her in-laws. While it's disappointing that your plans for the birthday celebration had to change, there may still be opportunities in the future to visit and spend time with your grandchildren.

Remember to take care of yourself during this time. It's okay to feel sad and upset, but try to find ways to cope and find joy in other aspects of your life. Surround yourself with supportive loved ones and consider seeking professional help if you feel overwhelmed by your emotions.

Grandmabatty

This thread is from 2012!!!!

I only noticed it when I saw Greatnan's name.😪

I'm curious how do people find these old threads.

Sorry but I get quite irritated when it's always the in-laws fault when other parents get more access.

Your daughter was delivering this information to you so it sounds like just as much her decision as his.

You've expressed that you have a disabled son, the journey is stressful on him and with 2 very young children in their home, I imagine it would be a lot so I understand why it may be easier for his parents to visit than it is for you because the circumstances are completely different. For you it's a lot harder and your daughter and son-in-law are clearly taking this into consideration.

I feel like you need to better manage your expectations as it's also your personal circumstances that make a visit difficult, not just the fact she is pregnant. You're 100% allowed to feel disappointed but you need to let this resentment go.

They are adding to their own immediate family, both you and DH are now extended family (as is SIL's parents) so your daughters and SIL's priorities HAVE to be the pregnancy/unborn child and their son, not the feelings and wishes of other grown adults/extended family.

You may possibly benefit from a counsellor/therapist to help you process and manage your own feelings around this.

You get invited into THEIR home when they invite you because that is what is convenient for them and their little family. By all means speak to your daughter and see if they could accommodate you sooner because you would like to see them sooner but if she says it's not possible, don't make her feel guilty or take offence because you will just end up making them feel resentful towards you.

This thread is from 2012!!!!

I think the OP’s feelings are natural to a degree. But I also think we have to bite our tongues and accept as graciously as possible what we’re offered. I think maybe when she’s had a while to think about what’s on offer, which I think is quite a lot, she’ll realise that it isn’t as bad as she first thought.

I am offput by those who say "there's no room for jealousy." We're human. Feelings -- both good and "bad" -- are undeserving of dismissal. Not only that, being told that you "shouldn't" feel something is simply not helpful.

I agree with Greatnan - there is really no room for jealousy between sets of grandparents and it has the potential to drive a wedge between the parents who I am sure we all just want to support as much as possible.
Children are generous little souls until they learn to be otherwise and have plenty of love for all their grandparents

Well said, Greatnan.

I think I may be unusual, but I was the only grandparent of my first eight grandchildren, as my ex showed no interest in his children or gc, and the fathers' parents dropped their gc after relationships split up. When my older daughter finally married her young husband, his parents welcomed her four children with open arms. I was absolutely delighted that they would have grandparents living close to them and never felt a twinge of jealousy. Sadly, their other nana is now suffering from Alzheimer's but they have lovely memories of her. My daughter's DIL is close to her own father and step-mother and as they live close they see them often. She has to keep in touch from NZ on Skype, etc. She is also very glad that her gc have loving grandparents close to them.
Regrettably, my other daughter is fiercely jealous of her daughter's in-laws, and tried to turn her against them. Luckily, my oldest grand-daughter realised how her mother was trying to drive a wedge between them (just as she has tried with me) and won't let it happen.
I spent last Christmas in NZ with my daughter and five of her six children, but this year she has suggested I leave it until February because flights will be cheaper and the school holidays will be over. I know her daughter's future in-laws are visiting for a few weeks over Christmas, and there would not really be room for all of us so it makes sense for me to go later. I shall be spending Christmas with my sister and her family.
Surely, the most important thing for all of us is that our children and gc are happy and healthy, wherever they are, and we must rejoice in the fact that they have other people who are loving and supportive of them.

hopeful I agree with harrigran. It is tough when families live so far apart and especially when there are other concerns which affect getting together more often. Try not to feel too angry, look forward to the upcoming visit and get excited making plans to visit them in the Australian summer (got to be better than our winter )

hopeful it sounds as if your DD has thought this out, I think that I would be grateful that she is prepared to travel such a long distance while pregnant and with a little one too. By offering you Christmas too she thinks she is offering the ultimate family celebration. I would just be happy to accept and do not make waves, may not work in your favour.

hopeful Another baby – that's great news.

There are always going to be problems, sadness and mistakenly hurt feelings when families live half a world away from each other. I visited my daughter, son-in-law and two grandchildren, aged two and three, in New Zealand for Christmas in 2005, staying for three months. I didn't see her again until 2010 when she and her husband, plus two younger children, aged two and three, visited us. I then visited earlier this year to share the care when a new grandchild came along in March. The others were 10, eight, five and just coming up to four.

I expect your daughter will be delighted to see you whenever it is possible for you to travel to visit. I suspect that she suggested Christmas because that is such a family time. I would go ahead and celebrate your grandson's birthday – or unbirthday – anyway when they visit next year. I threw a huge family and friends party when absentdaughter and first baby grandson visited – it doesn't have to be a birthday.