'Empty Nest Syndrome Part 2'

I have just had a lovely long phone call from my daughter in New Zealand telling me about their friends, who have given them a ride-on mower which cuts mowing their lawns from five hours to one hour. Another friend has given them a pressure spray to clean the pig pen, and yet another has 'lent' them a gas bbq but says they don't want it back.
Her calls are always so cheerful and full of news - I knew NZ was right for them but it has worked out even better than I anticipated. Now I can enjoy Downton Abbey with a big smile on my face.

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better!

Have been talking to my eldest daughter this evening, she lives in Birmingham, is a teacher, and has worked with 'troubled teens' at a school in a psychiatric unit. She gave sound advise, sensible as always, gave me pointers to look out for but stressed that all perfectly normal especially at this age/school period for some reason. Also said that it is extremely hard for parents and grandparents especially. So I feel much happier and reassured...I have clever children ...but then don't we all?

Living alone, sometimes I miss that family feeling even after 20 years.
My daughter, son and now granddaughters, all take the mickey out of me but I too take it as a sign of love and affection, and that we all have a sense of humour.

I agree, Bags, example is better than precept!

Going back to encouraging a caring attitude in the young.... I think that is a separate issue from burdening them with the perhaps inevitable sadness we feel in having to let go when they want to spread their wings, and it is something they will have learned while growing up with us and watching our behaviour and how we care about other people's sadness or loneliness. Again, this is just how I feel about it. Others may think differently.

My dad cried when I left home at 17; I'd never seen a man cry before. I never returned home and it was only when I had children of my own that I understood how much I'd hurt them. We have a piano in the living room. The thing I missed most when my daughter left was the sound of the piano being played . I've said before that I would give anything to turn the clock back and go back in time to spend one day just as we were. But we must move forwards and look on it as a kind of challenge I guess.

I have to give my sister and myself top marks for being attentive daughters. We both rang my mother every day until her dementia was too severe to take her calls. I lived abroad for many years but still never missed a day.
We also both took her on family holidays most years. She never offered to babysit or help in any way, and I never needed any financial help from her, although my sister did. Looking back we have both realised that she wasn't the wonderful mother we both thought she was but we adored her.

Have found that Facebook is a useful tool to chatting to one grandaughter in particular as she is not as 'forward' as her sister. They are non-identical twins, totally different in temperament, outlook and behaviour.

Remember how twins Mum and her sister behaved when they were teenagers...they absolutely hated each other....

Oh I remember those gracesmum

We bring our children up to be independent free thinking responsible adults and i'm proud that all my three have achieved that...but sometimes I miss them all desperately and want the house filled again with them as they were...daft isn't it. They all have careers, families of their own and I'm extremely blessed to have daughter round the corner, many grandparents don't have that.

Looking back I never gave my parents a thought when we lived miles away from them and they rarely got to see me or my children, must have been so hard for my Mum...no such things as SKYPE then...

Agree that I don't want to put onus on to them, would not want them, or my children for that matter visiting me out of duty. Just explained once that I was sad but pleased that they were growing up .

I don't know if it qualifies as crazy, but my hobby is snorkeling on coral, and in pursuit of that I have travelled several times to different islands in the Caribbean, to Malaysia, Thailand, the Maldives and five times to Egypt.
I also taught all my gc to roller skate - my ex husband and I were keen dance skaters.
I have enjoyed white water rafting too.
I scramble up very steep, unmade paths in the Alps, where I live.
My next challenge is learning to do cross-country skiing - under the able tuition of Juragran who lives just 'round the lake' (Geneva) in Switzerland.
My family know that, much as I love them, I don't depend on them for company - good job, as most of them live in New Zealand and the rest in England.

done all your suggestions!! It is just something that I have to adjust to.

My 6-year old grandson asked to spend yesterday with me as he 'misses the days we used to do things together before I went to school'. But I'd be a tad worried if he wanted that in ten years time.
Let them go, they will most likely come back to you as crimson says.

(And just in case it takes a while why not develop a new interest with some street cred? Free fall parachuting, roller blading, etc?)

Any crazy GNettters out there with unusual/crazy/life threatening enhancing hobbies?

I think the reason that teenagers don't visit as often as they did when they were children is just because their brains are wired differently, and prey to raging hormones. It is no reflection on their older relatives and it will pass.

My mother was very prickly and quick to take offence, so my daughters were careful not to laugh at some of the daft things she said in front of her, but they would certainly have a giggle behind her back.
I don't mind my family taking the mickey out of me - perhaps it is a a self-confidence thing.
When I landed in Auckland, one gd put a message on Facebook - 'Big bird has landed' - apparently a reference to a remark I once made when I had imbibed a drink or two that I ate like a bird. I was about 12 stone at the time. Apparently, all ten of them refer to me ever since as 'Big bird'. I thought it was affectionate.

ElsieJoy; I was only saying yesterday that I sat next to a mother, her daughter and her daughter's friend on the train yesterday, and throughout the whole journey no one spoke to each other and any attempts by the mother to start a conversation with them was ignored. They didn't even speak to each other [the two girls, that is]. I'd imagine that your two grandaughters are of a similar age and it's probably not just you that are pushed out of their lives [unless, of course you try to start a relationship that is conducted via their phones or i wotsits]. They are a strange breed, teenage girls these days. I do understand about the empty nest thing; I suffered terribly when my daughter left home [even though she was only 20 minutes away and came home most weekends]; I'd defined myself by my children I suppose. They'll come back to you, one day I believe.

I take your point bags and it is a valid argument. However if taken to its extreme no member of the younger generation will feel any responsibility for the welfare or feelings of their parents or grandparents. This is the opposite of cultures that venerate, respect and care for the old. Is that what we really want?

The phrase that hurts for me is "laugh at me behind my back" I think I would want to back off and give them their space for a bit. Our girls, as far as I know, may have teased Granny gently to her face (and she took it in good part) but never behind her back.
Though now I come to think of it, there was the occasion they made a jar of "squidgy Grannies" from cut up toes of tights and cotton wool with faces drawn on them which we thought was hilarious but Granny was not amused! oops

I used to get this from my sister when mine were little. "If you can't be bothered to visit our parents at least send the children they are big enough to make an effort". Usually people do not visit relatives for a very good reason and not because they just can't be bothered.

I sometimes don't hear from my many gc for weeks on end - then I just send them a pm or e-mail, saying what I have been doing myself and mentioning something their mum has told me about their activities. They always reply at once with a nice, chatty message.

I still wouldn't domthat, jess. It's not because of their age. I wouldn't tell anyone that I wanted them to visit me because I was sad and lonely. I'd probably invite them to come and say things along the lines of how nice it is to see them, looking forward to chatting, etc. Age has nothing to do with it. I wouldn't complain about not getting birthday cards either. I just don't think that's fair on anyone.

I agree with others who say we just have to get used to younguns moving on and, sometimes, out of our lives.

On the other hand ... is it treating them as children and being over protective if we admit to having feelings?
Lots of us have fallen into this trap I am sure, and then we complain along the lines of "they don't remember my birthday" etc
Are we maybe too child centred and protective and not treating them as young adults? While behaving like we have no feelings?
I am not suggesting a heavy guilt trip. Just something fairly light along the lines of

"I've been really missing you both since the start of term. I know you're both enjoying seeing the baby etc. I'd love it though if we could make a regular arrangement to meet once every couple of weeks."

I have never felt the empty-nest feeling. One of my daughters is eagerly looking forward to the day when the last of her six children goes off to university in five years time. She loves them all dearly and has been a wonderful mother, and grandmother, but she and her husband have lots of exciting plans about things they want to do. On the other hand, my other daughter is fighting tooth and nail to keep her adult children at home, but she has no partner and they are her only social contact.
Your grand-daughters will almost certainly come back to you once they have got through this stage of their lives. I now have lots of contact with my eldest grand-daughter, now she is a mother herself, but I would not have expected her to visit me when she was involved in school, sport, boys, and girl friends.
I agree it would not be a good idea to make them feel they have to visit you as a duty. As for laughing at you behind your back - my children and grandchildren have been doing that for years - I just laugh with them when I find out about it. It is a sign of love!

I agree its just something we have to learn to deal with as our families grow and get families of their own and start their own traditions . I wouldn't tell them either, they would just visit out of guilt and that's not what I'd want. I've found as they got into their 20's they do tend to come back , for advise or even the odd sausage sandwich on a busy Saturday morning lol!