Amanda Gummer webchat on child development, Wednesday 14 November 1-2pm

pamw

How much pocket money do you think a 7 yearold and a 10 year-old should get? I saw something in the paper and it had such a huge range. There isn't much spare cash so I can't see DD going to the upper end of the scale - even though I am not sure she would anyway.

Pocket money is always a tricky subject. The bottom line is you should give them what you can afford and what you're prepared for them to fritter away. As kids get older, try giving them a small amount of pocket money and getting them to earn more if they need it.
As children get to teenage years, it's good to give them an allowance and agree what they need to buy out of it - this helps them learn to budget and appreciate the value of money.

theMulberryTree

Hi Amanda, my grandson who is three has started to stutter. It's always at the beginning of the sentence, and sometimes he'll repeat the word several times. So for example, 'ww..wwhere.. where is Mummy?'. Is this something he'll grow out of? My son said we shouldn't correct him as it'll make him self-concicious, thus worse. Do you think that's the best way to tackle it? To ignore it?

pooohbear2811

my grandson is nearly 7, he can speak properly but wont when my daughter is around. I correct his speech, she doesnt as she says he will speak correctly when he is ready too. I let this go till he was 5 but dont feel allowing the baby language is doing him any favours. Is it true that they should not be corrected?

Speech development is very varied and one of the best things you can do is develop children's confidence around speaking. We've recently reviewed the Singalongz -have a look on the Good Toy Guide site more more info, but the microphone is great for helping children have fun with speech and develop their confidence.
Correcting children without criticising them can be tricky so make sure there's lot's of positive reinforcement.

Poohbear is right in that baby language at school is not going to do a child any favours but presenting it as a positive and praising him when he uses his big boy voice is likely to be the best strategy.

mimimi

I'm interested in your work in the good toy guide. what makes a good toy?

Great question - but the answer depends - on the child, on the budget and on the family environment.
I recently had a rant about top ten lists of toys for Christmas because I don't believe you can compare a football with a play station. This is one of the reasons we don't give awards or rank the toys on the Good Toy Guide.

In terms of what consumers are looking for - value for money, longevity, high play value and use by different children, the basic rule is the simpler the better.

You could entertain a child for ages with a pack of cards, a pen and paper, a tennis ball and a lump of playdoh. The reason behind this is that they are all very flexible and non-prescriptive.

However, higher-tech toys have their place too and can keep children entertained for longer without the need for adult input. Not all children have the luxury of having adults around them who are happy to play with them.

I'd say the most important consideration for choosing a toy is that it's age appropriate - lots of parents, and grandparents ;-) think their DGC are geniuses and but products that are too advanced for them, only to end up watching the children play with the box!! Give children toys that are within their developmental range and they'll engage with them much more.

jO5

What age do you think children have to be to feel real empathy with other people's feelings?

And how come very young children, and I mean from the age of about three, seem to know exactly how to be hurtful to their loving grandparents/aunties? eg by deliberately witholding kisses and hugs from anyone except flipping mummy!

How come they seem to be so knowing?!

Role play or small world play with puppets, small characters etc is a great way to help children develop empathy. I'm afraid there's no definite age when it develops - I'm sure we all know adults who struggle with it!!

Children love attention and a reaction, even a negative one is empowering. Try convincing yourself that your grandchild really loves you and that he'll show it in his own way at his own pace. Don't try and force the issue as this has implications for emotional development later on. Just give lots of positive reinforcement when he does show even small signs of affection and relax about it. Put a marker in your diary for 6 months time and see if you're still worried about it. My bet is that you'll have forgotten all about it by then.

saggy

When my own children were little things like cardboard boxes and wooden spoons would amuse them for hours. What changed? Is there any point in spending a fortune on all these things? And what really is worth buying? (sorry that's lots of questions)

Don't apologise - that's what I'm here for. Good toys can help children develop - they're fun, engaging and often educational. However, none of this compares to having parents and other adults around them who are relaxed, confident, fulfilled and emotionally available. So the advice is buy toys if you want to and can afford it but NEVER be tempted into debt in order to try and give your kids/grandkids the latest craze.

sunnydays

I have a question about the leappad - what games (or are they apps?) do you recommend for a bright 5yo girl?

There are so many apps available - not just for the leapPad but all the other tablets too. The advice for buying apps is the same for buying toys - make sure it's age appropriate, make sure it's something the child is interested in and make sure it forms part of a healthy, balanced play diet.

I'm not very familiar with all the apps as we currently don't review them ont he Good Toy Guide - maybe we should!!! However, of the one's I've come across, I like meteor maths, and starwalk and geoplanet, and any of the map ones.

closetgran

My DGS doesn't seem to have any friends at school (he is lovely but a bit different, especially from other boys: he gets on better with girls but he is 9 now and they want less and less to do with him). He told me the other day that he hates school. What should I do? Should I try to talk my DiL into taking it seriously?

Children are different -so are adults and it's wonderful if children can be given the confidence and self-belief to be themselves. A lot of teenage angst is caused by children trying to fit in and figure out who they are. Don't try and make your grandson into something he's not - school can be a tricky place for some children, but he can cope and learn some valuable lessons about life as long as he feels accepted for who is is, supported and loved by the people close to him.
Many kids say they hate school at some point, but if this does go on for a long time, I'd encourage your DiL to speak to the teacher and try and get to the bottom of it.

timeout

My grandson, who is 11, is always being told at school that he is too easily distracted. I feel annoyed about this because he is creative and imaginative and interested in the world around him but school seems to think if he is not head down concentrating, all the time, he is not learning. I think this is only one kind of learning, and perhaps not the most important. I don't think he enjoys school all that much. Is there anything I can do to get him through this, and to make him "behave" and focus at the same time as making sure he can explore his imagination and doesn't feel crushed?

Children learn in lots of different ways, you're right there. However, with the increase in screen-based play and instant gratification experiences in life, children's concentration is suffering and teachers have been saying this for years now.
Giving your grandson creative projects that need perseverance and concentration but that he can use his imagination with and see how that helps. As I said to closetgran, school doesn't bring out the best in everyone so support his interests outside school and help him feel loved, fulfilled and supported

rosiemus

Helo Amanda - I would like to ask about toys and gender - it always annoys me when I go into shops such as ELC that many of their 'standards' come in both pink and blue. Isn't this divisive? I tend to buy blue for my DGD to make a point - she is not remotely bothered about it (despite the fact she loves pink)

If I can add another question...my DGD loves dressing up as a superhero or a pirate as well as a princess or fairy (pleases me as I was a tomboy). No one seems to take any notice of this but if my great-nephew (4) wants to dress up as princess instead of a pirate people seem aghast. Why? And does this have any bearing on his future sexuality/ (I can't imagine it does)

I was completely with you on this and thought that it was society trying to stereotype play and toys until I came across some eye-tracking research last year that showed that even babies as young as 6 months show a gender preference for different types of toys and colours. Girls preferred softer colours and rounded shapes, boys preferred straighter edges and bolder colours.
However, as with all research this is a generalisation and some girls will like boy is toys and vice versa so I was pleased to hear that Hamleys have recently redeveloped their store and no longer lay it out with boys toys in one area and girls toys in another.
So buy whatever coloured toys you like, but don't be surprised when girls go nuts for anything pink!

I also believe firmly that dressing up and fantasy role play is exactly that - imagination and flights of fancy - it's about children trying out different play scripts - nothing to do with sexuality.

granwithapan

I hope i am posting this in the right place? I look after my granddaughter who is in reception two afternoons a week. She only started school in September and still gets very tired. Part of me thinks she should be allowed to flop in front of the TV after school. Part of me thinks she should be doing something more creative or constructive. But which part is right?

Starting school is a big deal and most reception aged children get worn out by it - especailly during the first term. I would say that flopping in front of the TV for half an hour with a drink and a snack - especially if it's a decent programme on CBBC or Cbeebies is a lovely way for her to relax and regain some of her energy. You could use the tv programme as a springboard for an imaginative or creative game afterwards. So whilst I'd not advise letting her get into the habbit of switching on the tv the moment she walks through the door and sitting there for hours, I'd also say it is probably a great thing for both of you.

nanaej

Hi Amanda,

I would appreciate your comments, as a psychologist, on the impact of long-term day-care or varied full day -are placements on a child's development.

There has been an increase in the identification of language delay, late toilet training and poorer development of some social interaction skills and attachment when children start at schools.

I appreciate that there are a great number of very well-run, well equipped caring nurseries but a recent report noted that even when inspection reports judged the pre-school / day-care provision to be good or outstanding this did not transfer to improved outcomes for children at the age of five. This begs a question as to the accuracy of the inspections &/or the schools assessment. Where would your money go?

Tis is a complicated question as it depends on the age of the child. Very young children (up to 18/24 mth) need secure attachments with a limited number of adults. These children often thrive in a one-to one setting but it all depends on how long the child is in day care and what else is going on in his/her life.
After the age of 3 there is very good research that shows the benefit to children's social skills of attending a nursery with other children, but again it depends on how long for and what else is happening at home.
I am a big believer in looking at the wider issues - children's needs aren't the only demands on family life and if all day childcare is what's needed in order to feed and shelter the family, it's difficult to worry about the softer issues of social or emotional development.
But in an ideal world, I'd recommend very small, personal childcare for at least the first 18 months and some form of more formal nursery or playgroup from the age of 3. Other than that it's each to their own.