Newly adopted grandchild

I am an adoptive grandparent to a wonderful 6 year old boy who has been in the family for 5 years now.....I found a fabulous website site which I would highly recommend theadoptionsocial.com/ and makes some really excellent reading - take a look.Hope it helps x

I have an adopted grandson, now aged 4, who has been with my DD and SIL since he was 18 months old. I don't regard him as any different from my natural granddaughters,but DO wish we could all have known him from babyhood. He does have his 'moments' ,but what 4 year old doesn't! He has made so much difference to my DD,who knew before marriage that she was unable to have her own children.
I admire them,and anyone else who adopts, as it is still such a difficult and long drawn out process, and definitely requires courage, but is hopefully well worth going through to be able to provide a child with a loving, secure home. We wouldn't like to be without him ,whatever the challenge.

My daughter was adopted by my DH at the age of 3. His parents lived abroad and i was nervous of how they would accept her and her them.
She was a lovely little girl at a nice age like your little girl. They fell in love with her and she responded to it.
Try not to crowd her or to expect cuddles and kisses at first. Give her space and she will warm to them in time.
Although adoption is the subject of a lot of sad novels and stories, there are far more 100% successful adoptions.

Hope it turns out well for you.

What wonderful news for you, and very understandable that you are worrying about how to behave in the best way.

I would be very casual about things. The little girl will be coping with so many changes, so much upheaval, and so many new people that she is supposed to consider as "family" ...... an adult would be overwhelmed! I would not focus on her too much on the first few visits, but let her come to you; a simple "hello sweetheart, there are some cookies on the table if you want to choose one" is likely to be far more reassuring for her than a huge hug.
You will want to be so welcoming that it may be hard to rein in, but she really will develop a relationship with you more quickly if you can just be a kind and friendly "you" that she can choose to interact with .... than someone who pushes that interaction. Any activity that you can invite her to join (making cakes, rolling pastry, gardening etc) allows her the chance to be at your side and develop a closeness, while giving her the option not to engage if she doesn't feel ready.

Don't be upset if it takes her a while, though.

It's not a situation I've got any experience of, but I think the important thing is to keep relaxed, be natural and let the little girl set the pace. After all you can't force a relationship with your own children or grandchildren ("Of course you want to kiss Granny darling!") it will develop naturally, given time.

What an exciting time for you all, I hope it goes well for you

linky...how wonderful. My FIL was in effect in the same position as you - his son adopted my daughter. However, long before any papers were signed (and that matters naught to a young child) he acted as a quietly calm yet welcoming Grandfather. He was always himself with her, which was warm, kind and rather gentlemanly. He let her make the running as it were, and when she showed an interest in him, he returned it. Just be natural and welcoming, trying to 'overthink' can often be misunderstood by children.

Thank you all for your positive comments and messages - already I have started to feel easier about the whole thing. It's so helpful to hear other people's thoughts and experiences. Thank you

Congratulations, linky. This is something both my daughters contemplated when they struggled to conceive. They were very open to adoption. We have long-term and short-term foster children in our extended family, and an adopted chid who is now adult and has his own children. There are plenty of new issues to face, but they are equally challenging as those presented by growing children who aren't adopted, and the things you find yourself mulling over won't necessarily be caused by them being adopted. We've found that we forget who was adopted and long-term fostered until someone outside the family reminds us for some reason.

You'll find your own level - don't feel the attachment has to come all at once - you'll realise one day that there is a deep bond between you, and it feels like it was always there. How fantastic to have a much wanted child arriving in your family

Have pm'd you, Linky

What a wonderful thing your daughter is doing linky, and how sensitive of you to be thinking of how you can welcome this little girl into your family. I don't have any direct experience of adoptive grandchildren, but I do have a step-grandson of 6 who came into our lives when he was 4 years old. I was anxious at first but I have tried to be patient and to build a relationship slowly. We don't live very close so I have made sure we have time alone, for example looking after him for the day in school holiday times, when we do things he enjoys. I have also been careful to take displays of affection at his pace, and he is still not a 'kissy' child but will give me a hug now. I am fortunate that my son's partner (his mum) and my daughter (DGS's mum) get on well and sometimes do things together with the two boys, who now love each other dearly. I would say just give yourself time to get to know this little girl and find out as much as you can about her history, which will help you to understand her better. Children who have been in care can display some challenging behaviour but I'm sure your daughter will have been informed about this and she will be able to advise you. Don't worry about being related - I remember a quote by an adopted child I came across many years ago: 'it's not who born you that matters, it's who loves you'.

I wish you lots of luck and many happy years ahead