Being a long distance granny

Thanks, chrissiecas. You are right and I really do try hard to be positive and thankful for the time we spend together. It is no good spoiling the time we have by agonizing about leaving, but sometimes it just gets to me and the stiff upper lip has a wobble! It has certainly helped a lot hearing posts from so many other grans in similar situations, some of whom have it much harder than myself, and learning how they cope. My thoughts are with you all.

Bellas Glad you're having such a good time with the family. Stiff upper lips are bound to wobbly occasionally. Mine do when I fly out to visit the family. Lots of emotion gets packed into such a short time. It does get better.

I get much support from reading the messages on this forum. I am not a grandma yet. My daughter who lives in New Zealand is having a baby at the end of July. I am going to stay with her for 6 weeks at the end of July. I am trying so hard to focus on all the positives but get down when I think of only seeing my grand child once a year. I too want the very best for my daughter and I know that they have a brilliant life out there. I just hope that when it comes time for me to leave I can leave without being totally silly. I must stay positive.

So glad you are able to go out to visit your family and meet the new arrival, Gailjo. You already have a positive attitude so I am sure you will make the best of it which is all we can do really. Parting will always be painful but you just have to keep looking forward to the next Skype call or the next visit.
We are currently on our yearly visit to our granddaughter who is now three. She is such a sweetheart and being with her is such a joy even though she has us running rings around her all day! I dread leaving, but know I have to toughen up - it does nobody any good if I fall apart every time we have to say goodbye.

Gransnet has certainly helped me to put things into perspective. Hearing how other people have dealt with the situation is encouraging and has made me see things in a different light. I was so sorry for myself at first until I realized this is not all about me and that many grandparents deal with a lot worse.

Please let us know how you get on. Do you know if its a DGD or a DGS yet?
Lots of excitement ahead for you anyway.

Hello all fellow Gransnetters. My first time writing on the forum, I joined last year when we first heard our son was thinking of moving to Manchester, & have been reading everyone's messages on the subject of children moving away. After reading some of the messages about families who are thousands of miles away, I feel such a fraud, but surely the pain must be the same?

My son got the promotion he wanted, & the day has come for him & his family to move (in fact it is tomorrow!!) So I am sitting at my computer feeling very sorry for myself, crying every so often, & thinking of their little faces (3 grandchildren, 4, 9 & 12) when I saw them this morning clutching their sweets & flowers for the teachers as its their last day at their schools.

I have been very fortunate that they have lived just down the road from us, and have been able to help, support & visit them very often. But Oh how I am going to miss them. I know its only Manchester - 2hours away on a train, 3 hours driving, but my life will change overnight from helping with the school run, shopping trips with the DIL, to quiet & sometimes lonely long days(husband works long hours!!)

Am trying to be positive and stop thinking of myself - (as it is for selfish reasons why I don't want them to go), and start thinking of nice trips up north to visit and explore, as husband and I like travelling and seeing new places, but still I am going to have such long quiet days ( I work from home which can be a lonely job anyway).

So it is very bittersweet, we are very proud of our son, but very sad they are going.

We have Skype, email and I-phones, so all is not lost, and hopefully I now have some new Gransnetters for support

nanicaz - can imagine how you must be feeling when you have been so close to your grandchildren. It will take some getting used to but hopefully you will still be able to be a huge part of their lives.

nanicaz-it must be so hard for you-actually I think your situation is harder than mine since you have been used to seeing your grandchildren and being part of their lives, only to have that taken away from you. My little GD lives in NZ and I have never known what it is like to be part of her life so although it's painful not to know her very well I am not exactly missing her.
I see my GS in the UK every week and would be devastated if my daughter and family were to move away from the area now. But I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot hang on to my children or my grandchildren and that my children have to do what is best for their families without considering me.
It's a hard lesson to learn but as you say, you are proud of you son-as I am of mine in NZ and as long as they are happy and doing well you have to be pleased for them wherever they live. At least they are a couple of hours away and not 2 days on a plane!
Maybe you should find something new and interesting to fill the gap in your life? reading group? new hobby? OU course? it might help once you've got over the initial shock of it all.

Thank you Bellasnana and Speldnan, today was indeed difficult. I have cried buckets, the hugs and kisses were wonderful, but the waving off and watching them go was awful. Cannot believe they have gone and are not just down the road.
But I must remember they are happy and were excited about going, and exploring a new area. I must also remember it is only 2 hours on a train, and shall look forward to visiting. At the moment husband and I must leave them alone to unpack and settle in, and wait for updates on new schools etc.
Yes you are right, I should look to fill some hours with a new hobby or similar, and once I have stopped crying I may well do that.
Thank you for the support, what a great site knowing people are out there to chat to .

I've just been meeting up with old friends and one is very involved in caring for her twin grandsons - she was complaining (gently) that they were a bit too much for her sometimes. I haven't seen my grandsons for four months and won't for another eight. Talk about feast or famine!

This time last year we were visiting DS and his family in Australia. I keep thinking back to that visit knowing that, with DH's health issues, we may not make that journey again, he is adamant he doesn't want to do that flight again!

However, although I feel sad about that, this last couple of years since they have been gone has been a turning point in our lives. We have made a huge effort to go out more, I have joined our local townswomesn's guild (which is brilliant, we have great fun) and generally we just do more together instead of me being so involved in the GC. We have rediscovered our own lives, have our own individual interests and are making the most of it all.

I am so happy that DS and his little family are loving their new lives and are doing really well......and thank goodness for Skype and FaceTime

Greetings all

Well it has been a few days now since they left for Manchester, my tears have dried up for a while. Monday and Tuesday have passed with various errands to do, but today I am back at the computer and very much alone with my thoughts.

I have, however, received messages and photos of the new house and the children dressed ready in their new uniforms, and even a photo of them eating pancakes yesterday.

How quickly children adapt and move on, leaving us adults floundering and reflecting on how life was!!

Of course I am pleased for them, and now that spring is here, and hopefully the weather will get nicer, I am thinking ahead to visits and exploring the area - the Peak District has been on my list for a while.

But I know I shouldn't, but I cant help thinking that without the required amount of effort on both parts, messages, phone calls, photos and visits will get less and less as people get busier and busier. I certainly hope this will not be the case.

I hope all my fellow long distance Granny's are well today and keeping positive.

Bye for now

Hi nanicaz glad to hear you are bearing up as well as can be expected under the circumstances. I understand your concerns but I'm sure you will still be a part of their lives.

When I was a child we lived in Chester and my nana lived in York but we were still really close despite not having Internet and so on in those days. We always loved going to her house during the holidays and she was a huge part of our lives.

At the moment we are in the US spending five weeks with our little granddaughter who is three. We've had a lovely time so far, but poor little thing is poorly today. They were at the doctors office for two hours having x-rays etc and she has got pneumonia. Such a worry when they are sick. I almost wish I wasn't here to see her so unwell.

We have three weeks left and then I will be in tears like you. It's so hard to say goodbye

Bells , sorry to hear your DG has pneumonia , so worrying when they are poorly , still you have another 3 weeks over there , so that is good !
I have returned from from Bournville after visiting with the darlings and feel a tad blue as is to be expected !

What a shame for the poor wee girl and for you. It will be a great comfort for her to have cuddles with her nana.

Thank you Nonu and anno. We have certainly had lovely cuddles today. I treasure every minute with her and can imagine how you are feeling, Nonu, having left your treasures. Hope you get to see them again soon. When we go home it will be at least a year before we see DGD again, unless we win the lottery.

Well, I'm getting skyped on a regular basis up to now, my son and family are enjoying life down under, they've just moved into their own rented accommodation so it's all exciting stuff for the grandchildren. I'm focusing on my trip over there in Sept. Sounds a long way off but it'll soon be here, lots of planning to look forward to now. I'm managing to keep busy, but miss them so much.

Just received another batch of photos from the Falklands. My son and family have been there four months and I think it does get easier. It helps to have some photos of the boys looking happy and healthy. I still miss them so much but I am getting used to it now. I don't get overwhelmed with sadness as I did for the first couple of months. I send best wishes to all long distance Grans - especially those for whom it is still new and raw.

Morning to all, such a comfort to read everyone's messages, although, Bellasnana, sorry to hear your granddaughter is unwell, you feel so helpless when they are poorly, but here's hoping she will be on the mend soon, enjoy your time with them.

I have just returned from a weekend in Manchester (yes I know they have only been gone a week) but we had some things to take up, and just had to see they were settled. We had a lovely time, saw their new house and of course had lots of cuddles. We explored the area, and had a lovely walk in yesterday's glorious sunshine to the local park, and fed the ducks.

I feel better knowing they are OK, and that the children have settled in their new schools, but coming away is always going to be hard.

The next time we go will probably be on the train as its much quicker, and more direct. The husband who drives a lot of miles during the week found the driving this weekend a bit much, especially coming home - very busy on the M6 and M1. He was then up at six this morning to drive to Essex to work!!

Chrissiecas - A holiday down under to look forward to in September - how wonderful. Its so good to hear from the family isn't it? Skype is such a wonderful thing, our family are still waiting to have their Internet connected, but when it is we will Skype also. We already Skype our other son who lives in Munich, and when we put the camera on, he showed us round his apartment, very clever, felt just like you were next door.

Rockgran - How lovely to receive some photos, such wonderful memories to treasure. Do you also have Skype?

Hello nanycaz - yes we do have skype (or FaceTime) but their internet is limited and very expensive so we save it for special occasions. We do get lots of communication through Facebook as that seems to be the most economical way of keeping in touch with all the family.
Glad you are feeling a bit better - it does get better.

Just read through all these posts and really there are so many of us with families all over the world. We all cope with it in different ways I guess.
These are some of the questions and points that came up.
I wonder does a lot of communication make it easier or harder?
Should we visit when we can or does this make it harder to say goodbye?
How should we cope with our grief? distraction? detachment?
Are we looking at the situation the wrong way round I wonder?
Maybe as parents and grandparents we aren't really that important to our children and their children. They are important to us, but they have gone out in the world to make their own lives and form their own families and can easily live without us.
I adored my own grandparents but don't remember being upset when I didn't see them very often. Similarly my own children used to see their grandparents fairly regularly as young children but as they got older it used to become a chore to them to go on visits.
My (ex) husband and I took our children abroad for 4 years when they were very young and although I was aware of my parents sadness, to my shame, I didn't realise how awful it was for them to be parted from us all. This was at a time when the only communication was a crackly expensive phone call and letters.
I think maybe as parents we shouldn't expect to be considered that much by our children and are then hurt when they seem not to care. The worse thing for me was when my son went abroad 4 years ago. We were close, and the pain was almost unbearable, I felt rejected and unloved by him. When they had my GD it seemed it could not get any worse.
I have come to terms with it now and try not to take it as a personal rejection anymore. They are doing what is best for them and their family and I am becoming the older generation who should be there when needed but should also expect to take a back seat.
I think it could be a generational thing as my own parents (in their 80s now) did not expect to be 'hands on' with their grandchildren, but had organised visits. Modern grandparents now take on the care of their grandchildren and expect to participate wherever possible. ( as I do with my daughter's son). I think this is brilliant but it makes it harder for us to cope with being unable to do this with our absent grandchildren.

Wise and thoughtful post Speld !

I do think we are less important to our children than they are to us. That is quite normal I think. They like to know we are there but don't really want us to inconvenience them. I felt the same about my own parents but I loved them very much and I think they knew that. I now appreciate how lovely they were, with no bitterness. They allowed me to fly free and I want that for my son too.

that is so very true Rock !

Just a reminder that our children and grandchildren can miss us as much as we miss them when we are separated by many miles. Absentdaughter and I used to have a goodbye routine – jolly chitchat with each other, the children etc. until the flight was called or the train came in. Flurry of hugs and kisses with the in-laws and children, then the fastest but tightest hug in the world with each other. Hand over the goody bag with puzzles, books, pictures, etc. for the journey, then we both turned and went our separate ways without looking back. I know that she sobbed her heart out in car parks and on trains just as I dripped tears all over the plane and snivelled into tissues from Nelson to Auckland.

I also remember the times when she rang me in England because she was having a difficult time (as opposed to the times when we just chatted happily) and began with "I want my Mummy". The children also used to say goodnight to a large photograph of us.

The separation isn't always easy for them either however rich and lovely their lives elsewhere may be.

This morning my normal, rational and, at times, necessarily detached feelings with my sons families being so far away has disappeared completely.
I have just been speaking to my London son and seeing my almost 10 day old beautiful baby granddaughter for the first time in my son's arms and am awash with delight and frustration. A very bad connection. No sound at his end, dropping, freezing and poor screen quality all conspired to have me weeping when the connection finally gave up. Emotional balance is very hard to hold at such times. Joy and frustration clashing together.

Your post resonated with me absent. Separation isn't always easy for our children either. I know that both our lads miss being closer to us.

Two weeks and I'm off to see the new baby. That'll get my motivation going this morning.