Being a long distance granny

I think your comments about your daughter are quite harsh too, hopeful, and lacking in empathy. This perhaps explains my response!

Thanks ladies for your responses. I wrote that in the early hours when I couldn't sleep and had so much going round in my head . Thatsbag your comments were quite harsh . Maybe the way I put it over was wrong but I think I had just seen what a happy reunion picture it was and just felt a bit sad. And let me add that my daughter was constantly on fb whilst I was there! But you are entitled to your opinion . You other ladies thanks for understanding . Long distance relationships are hard and painful. I do think there is some truth in the barrier thing. I do think it must be hard for her at times. I will try to post some pictures that we took and tag them to her. You have all given me plenty to think about.
Thanks again
X

Unless you've actually been in that position and experienced it first hand it is hard to fully appreciate how painful it can be to miss seeing your grandchildren growing up. Some describe it almost like a bereavement. Almost, but not quite.

There's a balance to be struck, isn't there? No, our children don't need us leaning on them and causing more work than busy young mums need, but they also want to know they're needed, too. Us being overly independent can sometimes bother them. My children asked me if I'd end up being a right pain in the neck if my wings were clipped by frailty or illness, as when I was very ill a few years ago, they were rather firm with me about taking control whilst I recovered. During one deep conversation with my son, he said they'd had a family conference and were concerned that I would come to grief if I lived alone till I was better. I relinquished the reins for three months and it was a salutary lesson in understanding what visiting for long periods can be like for all parties.

I was keen not to interfere or create more work whilst staying with my daughter, but not always successful, and we learned to joke about those MiL stereotypes, and this has continued. Now, if an uncomfortable issue comes up, they'll say 'you know she's going to go 'all mother-in-law' on you, don't you?' I will joke 'you know you've never been good enough for my daughter!' and the heat goes out of the situation. Why should we be treading on eggshells when we want to need and be needed?

You don't get rewards for trying to be beyond reproach and worthy. In fact in my family I would get told to stop trying to be perfect as it would make them feel they shouldn't be slipping up, and life isn't like that. Good enough is a happy state

Thanks, nightowl . I was in a similar position of expecting, because of our respective circumstances, to be a long distance grandparent (though nothing like across to the other side of the world!). I don't think it occurred to me to think I wouldn't be able to cope with it, only that I would bloody well have to.

And my daughter would have to cope with not having parents or parents-in-law nearby too.

As I did.

As my parents did.

DD is now within less than an hour's drive from her in-laws or, rather, they from her as she doesn't drive (her partner does). I'm glad about that for my grandsons' sake, especially as GS1 has such a special relationship with his paternal grandad.

Essentially, so long as the kids and grandkids are happy I'm happy too, and the two or three times a year I see them are glorious highlights in my calendar.

I know you have a heart thatbags, it was just an expression. But you give such an impression of coping with things that some of us can feel a bit inadequate at times. And I know that might be unfair because you have also posted about having to cope with very difficult health problems. So you are obviously good at putting on a brave face. I'm afraid I'm not very good at that, however hard I try (and I do try). I don't think I would cope very well as a long distance grandparent, and it could easily happen to me one of these days.

I am a long(ish) distance grannie and have missed my only grandchildren (2) growing up, we are constantly in touch via telephone and rarely skpye. How the time has flown since they were born, one moment babies and then, grown lads, I have missed the cuddles, the secrets which we grannies love to share with the small people, the kissing better when they have their problems, the little gifts to light their faces, oh yes it's not been easy. I am fortunate that I am able to see them maybe 2/3 times a year but the emptiness when leaving them is 'not nice'. The world is so different today, probable there is almost no families whose children have not ventured abroad to live, whilst it is good for them, not so good for us. (the parents) But changes will continue as long as the world is round. Have a good day all of you long distance grandparents.
X

Its strangely comforting to know others understand how I feel. Im really determined not to become one of those annoying MILs. Im nowhere near perfect but i want to beyond reproach as far as my DIL is concerned. Sometimes I do think, actually Im worth more than dismissal by her, both in her spoken and unspoken actions.
Im focussing on the positives, I can see them on facetime frequently, I've got a lovely partner, lovely 3 year old grandson of my partner just around the corner, I'm reasonably healthy, my eldest sons partner in London is delightful, lovely kind supportive bunch of girlfriends. "Everyone is different" keep repeating over and over again!

I speak as someone who finds having visitors very stressful but also very enjoyable. The enjoyment makes the stress worth dealing with in a grown up way. And putting up with a few things that you would prefer were otherwise.

I do have a heart, nightowl, and I sometimes feel childish too, but where my daughter who has kids is concerned, I squash any such feelings as unworthy of me. Feeling childish and being childish are two different things. I don't think it's about having a heart; I think it's about choosing not to be selfish.

Sorry to be so blunt, but that's what I think. I'm not saying I'm perfect, only that I'm ashamed of myself if I expect DD to consider me more when she has small children to deal with and is obviously stressed.

That said, my grown up daughters are considerate. Maybe I'm just lucky.

Not sure I'd ever judge their considerateness on whether they took photos when I was visiting them though . I just think that's a weird expectation to have. Someone with small kids, who is pregnant and who has her parents visiting (more cooking, washing, etc) can be excused taking photos I think.

@Nightowl. I agree with everything you said. I do feel that they put up barriers to protect themselves from feeling homesick or irritation at the aged parents or being made to feel incompetent because we can cook a meal and entertain children and etc etc.

I can't agree with your last point, hespian - I would hate my daughter to say she missed anything other then her other children and her grandchildren in England. I am delighted that they are all so happy and settled in New Zealand.
Of course, my circumstances are rather different from those of most of you, as I have lived abroad for most of my daughter's adult life, albeit a bit nearer to them than I am now! It hasn't stopped me having a great relationship with her and her six children, and now her grandchildren, so I hope all of you can take heart from my experience.

I agree that visits to long distance family can easily be stressful. We had not had so much as a cup of tea in my DS and DIL's home when they lived in London (50 miles away). They came to us very frequently for the weekend and we always did the hosting. When in London we ate out or went to cafes with them as their flat was tiny. When we visited Oz we stayed with them for three weeks first time and the second visit was for their wedding and included a time at the wedding venue. Both visits were extremely uncomfortable but on reflection I think they probably felt quite overcome. We did try very hard to help them out and relieve their pressure but they both work extremely long hours and have a long commute so we felt very let down that we hardly saw them. We did wonder why we had made the very long and expensive journey. I also agree about the barriers being built. We NEVER discuss any of the things I would like to, like how my DS feels living there surrounded by in laws and other new people. I would just for once like to hear him say he misses anything about his former life!

Visits from such a distance are always stressful, however close the family member. I am hugely privileged to have 2 DDs nearby and we can just have quick visits and I can withdraw pdq when I can see that they need to do other things. But visits to my DD up north are very different as we feel slightly in the way (no fault of DD) because we are guests and cannot just pop home at an appropriate moment.

Try not to take it to heart - try to remember how difficult it can be having guests for a long visit - even close family. Your DD sounds as though she has a huge amount on her plate; and it is significant that you somehow get on better after you are not staying there.

Treasure that relationship - and how about trying the bedtime story thing - I htink that sounds a truly inspired idea!

Good luck with it all.

If I lived close to my daughter, I would just call in for a coffee and chat perhaps a couple of times a week. Now I have a 40-hour journey and stay for six weeks. I do take myself out for walks and she lends me her car to go exploring when she is busy, but I do feel that it is a bit of an imposition of her and her lovely husband. I suggested that I just stay for two weeks, but they wouldn't hear of it and they both say they love having me there.
Last year, I took a week out to visit the fjiords and glaciers, and this year I am spending the first week touring North Island. I do offer to help, but she has been used to working full time as well as studying and bringing up six children, so she is ultra efficient and now she doesn't have to work she is really on top of the chores. My SIL is equally useful and they enjoy working together in the garden and with the animals. In their current home, I could walk to the local shop but they will be in their lovely new house on 1st November and it is more remote. I will still be able to feed the animals, or perhaps pick up the children from school once they are no longer using the school bus.
It helps that I am in constant contact with her and the children via Facebook and free phone calls, but I can understand why there might be some tension during a long visit if that is not possible.
It is also likely that we long distance mothers build up great hopes before our holidays and if everything is not just as we hoped it can feel like a big let-down. I am very lucky that my daughter and her family are all so relaxed and happy, but I can sympathise completely with both mother and daughter if there is some tension.

Your daughter sounds a bit stressed. I am always aware that there is a balance to be struck between being a useful guest that reduces stress levels (doing the washing, occupying the children) and being a guest who adds to stress levels (leaving my mess around - v tidy DIL, untidy me - and winding the children up into a frenzy or otherwise upsetting their balance) I can see what hard work it is for the parents managing 2 jobs and 2 kids.
I think it is a mistake to compare FB points with someone else, or compare anything really. Every family is different and the last thing I would want is to be the kind of mother that demanded attention and got stroppy or upset if I didn't get it. (DIL has one of those already) Having said all that, it can be a hard road to travel "bags" at time. You know what they say about walking a mile in someone else's shoes.

Good point nightowl, we can all feel a bit down or neglected sometimes and it's much worse when they are so far away, I understand as some of my family are far away too.

Hopefulnanny how about putting photos on to FB that don't have family members in them. You must have taken lots if pictures, some views, perhaps some of your DH. That way you can't possibly upset you DD and you will feel that at least you have shown people where you've been and what you've done

Have you thought of checking with your daughter first then putting your pictures on Facebook for her to share? My daughters don't like pictures of their children on FB but I did slip up with some wedding photos although I normally stick with the rules.

Have a heart thatbags. Sometimes we just need to be reassured that we are still needed by/ loved by/ important to our grown up children. We are not all strong, independent, secure in ourselves and in our own lives. Not all the time anyway. We may be getting older but speaking for myself, I sometimes feel downright childish. I know it's not a good thing but there we are, I'm far from perfect.

I'm sure hopefulnanny and her husband did everything to help her daughter with love and a brave smile, but that doesn't mean they weren't disappointed if the visit didn't quite live up to their hopes. Particularly as it's so far away and they can't just nip out there again in a hurry.

hopefulnanny, do you think there's a chance your daughter is in fact missing you and has built up a barrier to make it easier for her to cope with that? I might be very wide of the mark but it's just a thought. It must be so hard for all of you with families so very far away.

What a strange complaint!... That a daughter didn't take or post on FB photos of your visit!

She has two kids under two and another on the way, you say, and she may be highly stressed because of that. And you expect her to "be attentive" to you?

Yikes.

Oh storynanny that is hard. You definitely deserve better than that But I am feeling pretty rejected myself and that is by my own daughter! I have a friend visiting her granddaughter in America and have seen how excited her family are to have her visit. Pictures on fb etc. I realised that my daughter had not mentioned our visit and I was aware when we were there that no photos were taken except by us. It does hurt as this was our first visit to Oz and my husband spent most of the time painting hanging pictures and pretty much doing up the whole house. I realise my daughters stress levels were high as she has two children under two and a third on the way but she did behave rather badly and I cant ever have imagined treating my parents in this way and they only lived round the corner. She has been more attentive since we left than when we were there! I just don't understand. I wonder sometimes if she is struggling but wont admit it to us as she would feel a failure. Her in laws travel out there more often as they are retired and do not have the responsibilities that we have with our son and my dad etc . I wish I could just not get caught up in the pain of this but it is hard eh. We were so close but its like she has built this barrier around her and the only person who can make her smile is her husband. I know in that first week we were there if I could have got a flight home I would have gone. But I am glad that didn't happen as it may have ruined the relationship completely. I know I need to just get on with life and hope that she will mellow once her children get older but in the meantime we can continue to stay in touch on Skype etc. The grandchildren are wonderful and I want to maintain a good relationship with them so back to counselling to offload and here of course. Yes Jess it certainly was a challenge. I think my husband felt like the hired help by the end of it all. We were more than happy to help out but my daughters attitude made it very uncomfortable!.

Yes Jess, im determined not to be the MIL moaned about on one of those other sites!

I think focussing on your son sounds like the way to go storynanny - who knows what is going on in DIL's head.
hopeful I know what you mean about staying - it is quite an adaptation to just move in with them for a few weeks from a standing start isn't it.

Im still finding it hard to come to terms with the sad fact that my DIL is simply not interested in this side of the family. Im trying to use the quote earlier in this thread, God grant me etc.
I think I will delete my facebook account as its too hard seeing constant references and pictures of my son and grandson involved in daily activity with the family the other side of the world and no pictures or references at all of my family, not even a mention of visiting the UK. Its as if we just dont exist. Im becoming ridiculous and paranoid so going to close the account and what I dont see cant upset me. If that makes sense.
Have decided after trying for a good few years with his wife, Im concentrating on maintaining a good, if long distance relationship with my son. No point in trying to talk to him about it as quite rightly he will support his wife. Anyway I can remember the time many years ago when my parents tried to criticise my choice of boyfriend! of course they turned out to be right but I certainly wasnt going to listen to them at the time and I was very prickly!

Hi all. I am just on the last day of a trip to australia to see our 2 lovely gc. First tine meeting the 4 month old . My dd has announced she is pregnant again so we will have to wait until next year to meet the third !! The trip has been wonderful in terms of meeting the boys but hard as we have been staying withv my dd and it took us a good week to feel relaxed as dd seemed to be in a constant state of stress. My husband has painted all of the house they have moved into and I have looked after the boys. They truly are so special and Skype certainly made it easy for our 18 month old grandson to feel at ease with us straight away. But I am dreading leaving and know I will be inconsolable and it's harder as I have mentioned before on this site I have a disabled son and these trips are not easy for him. I will try hard to get back to our life in the uk and hope to Skype lots .
It really is so difficult but it helps to know I'm not alone x