Being a long distance granny

Adjustment is the key - but yes, it does take time. We've all lived in different countries for over 10 years now, and before that they were off out in the world and at Uni. So I've had plenty of time to get my head around it all.

I know I'm an odd-bod, but I really don't worry about my sons and their lives very much. Our relationships have evolved into 'no news is good news' as they always contact us if there is a problem or they have concerns. That's not to say they don't contact us unless there's a problem. Quite the reverse, which is lovely.

They know I miss them, and we'd all like to spend more time together, but we don't bang on about it. My daughters-in-law keeps me up to speed with chit-chat by email, but on skype it usually my sons that I talk to. So a good mixture.

Sometimes, when feeling fed-up that they're not a little closer, I definitely avoid threads that contain a lot of chat from other grans about time spent with grandchildren. It's not that I'm not interested, but it can highlight a background sense of regret about not being with them all more often.

Thanks granulated and bellasnanna - it helps to know I am not just being a fusspot. I know they are very busy at the moment as my son has the week off work and it is the school summer holidays. Hopefully they are on the beach having a great time. Also their internet connection is a bit limited and very expensive and it is nearly the end of the month so they may be conserving it. But as you say, you never stop being a mum and however much contact I have it would never be enough. It helps to talk to someone in the same position - it is hard to explain to anyone not going through it.

Facebook doesn't work for me anymore with my son - he has 'come off it' so no joy there for me! However, I glean more from Flickr pictures, as to what they are all doing at any one time. My son has lived in the USA for quite a few years now and it is something that I have had to get used to, but I just have to check the photos often, to see what is happening. If none appear, I expect the worst, just like you with Facebook. I think it is a normal reaction by us Mums.

We try and talk on Skype at the weekends and it is lovely to see my two grandchildren plus my DiL and the dog and we have come to an understanding that if the Skyping hasn't taken place, that I text my son and he talks to me on the way to work, early in the week, on 'hands-free' and we can have a good long grown-up chat and we can be quite open with each other. I, too don't like to bother them too much, as they have their own lives to lead, but I can't help but worry, especially if I am a bit down, as I was yesterday!! (It does help to talk to others in the same predicament.) I find that friends whose families have stayed close to them geographically, have no idea of what we go through and often can be thoughtless with comments. My grandchildren were both born abroad, so I have never had them nearby, so I know no other way of being a Grandmother. We have had some great holidays seeing them and have seen a lot of the USA whilst out there. My son will always live in the USA - I don't know about your family?

(New to this so not up-to-speed with the abbreviations!)

All the best and try to keep busy. Luckily the world is a smaller place these days, as they say.....but it is hard to remain up beat, especially when they first go away - it gets better and we learn, mostly to adjust.

rockgran - I don't think you are being silly at all. Our children are always our children and it is only natural to be concerned about them. Like you, I am able to bear (just about!) having two daughters and a granddaughter living in the US as long as I know everything is fine with them, but I, too, panic if I don't see a Facebook post, or if I message and don't get a fairly prompt reply!

My DD2 understands what I am like and she is very good about keeping in touch so I am able to Skype on a daily basis with her and little GD. However, DD1 is only good at getting in touch if something is wrong, hence I dread seeing a Skype message coming through from her as it is usually another catastrophe to report.

I don't think we are overprotective - it is just reassuring to know that they are all ok, and in your case, it has only been two months. I ought to be used to it as they have been away for seven and five years, but I am still as bad and more so since DGD arrived almost three years ago.

Since my son and family moved to the Falklands two months ago I have relied on Facebook as a main source of contact. Usually there is a post or photo daily so I am content that they are ok. However if there is nothing for a day or so I worry terribly that something bad has happened. I realise I am being silly but the feeling is very real and I wish I could just stop thinking about them all the time. I could email or phone but if they are fine I would just sound overprotective, if there is something wrong what could I do from 8000 miles away? I don,t really expect an answer - just wanted to air the worry. Thanks.

Feeling so much better since I went out in the fresh air and then came in and had lunch - I don't often get down, but somehow it has all got to me this year.

We always felt we had done a good job in making our sons independent, but the lull between Christmas and New Year has caught me being unnecessarily negative.

Thanks to ffinnochio for her sensible words. It doesn't help for me to have gloating friends with grandchildren who visit regularly -my only grandchildren live abroad and no signs of the UK lot producing any! We are planning a trip to the USA in the spring - the family came over to us in the Autumn. I must give myself a pep talk.

Grandulated I had a mad desire to visit the grandkids in the USA - so did so this September. Yes, long-haul travel is tiring and expensive, but it was marvellous to just be with them all. I wonder why you think it would be a waste of your time.
My other son is in the UK, so I didn't spent time with any family this Christmas (I'm in France), so did something different and refreshing instead.

I understand you feeling gloomy - I certainly do at times - but it serves me no purpose. Instead I try to make my life as interesting as I can, so I have news and nonsense to chat about on skype.

I do hope you pick-up soon.

Thank God for Skype with grandchildren far away. Can't help but feel a bit sorry for myself as my other son is in UK with his wife's family at present, but they were with us for a few nights over Christmas, so that is not all bad. I have this mad desire to get on a plane and be with the grandchildren in USA, but know it would be totally tiring and a waste of time, money and energy and leave me with jet lag. The time between Christmas and New Year is a difficult time for me and after all the rushing around madly before Christmas, I find I am lacking in energy to want to send out invitations to friends. We have such a small family - no brothers and sisters and I am beginning to feel rather sorry for myself, so had better sign out and do something positive!

Anyone else feel like this?

Hope other long-distance grans got the chance to Skype /FaceTime with their families. It is the next best thing to actually being with them. It has made our day, too, having our two daughters and little granddaughter with us on Skype from the US. We watched them open presents and they chatted to us while we had lunch so it has been a better day than anticipated.
Sending best wishes to you all.

Thanks rock, and so pleased face-time made your day!

Almost time for me to get hold of the American lot. I know it'll be happy chaos there.

Just had a lovely facetime with our family overseas. Such a mixture of happy and sad. It was over in a flash but has made our Christmas Day. Love to all long distance grandparents out there.

I've just had a surprise phonecall from my son to check that we are ready for a facetime tomorrow. Can't wait to see our little grandsons. I'm missing them but I can cope if I know they are happy. Best wishes to all who are missing their families tonight.

Feeling very sad today. Had a lovely video sent of our DGS playing Jingle Bells and We Wish you a Merry Christmas on the piano. He has just started playing and it was so lovely to see how he is getting on. They are in Australia and we will miss them so much. Looking forward to face timing later so we can see him open his presents but I so wish they were here.

Happy Christmas everyone ��

This is the time of year I miss my children and grandchildren most.
One family live and work in Kuwait (though I do get to see them in the holidays sometimes).
The next are in India, with 4 beautiful nearly-adopted children, where I've visited a few times, but it's a schlepp and expensive.
Oldest girl I see often, she has a partner (fingers crossed) but no children , and the other girl has a teenage daughter who we see now and again, relationship problems with DH.
So it's a mixture, as with most families.
Back in the days when one set of grandparents lived up the road and the others down the road we didn't have these problems.

Good wishes from me too. It is sooo hard when everyone else seems to be with their grandchildren, isn't it? (I know they aren't really)
Rain, wind and endless mud doesn't help...
and

And to you, ffinnochio! I've just been looking at some Facebook posts and photos about my beloved grandsons. Thank goodness for modern technology.

Good wishes for the Festivities to all Long Distance Grans. Keep jolly and chins up - you won't be forgotten by your long distance families.

Thanks, ffinnochio.

ffinnochio what a lovely idea about the puppet! If you don't mind I will copy it for my DGS :-) and yes sending postcards is good too.

rockgran . Glad it made your day!

Just had our first proper facetime with the boys. They sang happy birthday to Grandad. It was so good to see them and they looked happy so that made our day! God Bless modern technology!

golfina A wise post. Thanks for the good luck!

My daughter and son-in-law emigrated to New Zealand (Wellington) nearly 7 years ago and our grandson was born two years later - he will be 5 in February. There is a lot of wisdom in so much that has been written since Frances posted her first message. The things that are most important in my experience are:

1) Keep in touch by every possible means, camera Skype, text Skype, email, Facebook, cards and notes, small presents, anything (but keep it as fun as possible); and don't worry if the return is less - they are much busier than we are!

2) If you can manage visits, that is great. We have been very lucky in being retired and able to downsize to afford trips - we have also found that staying in a nearby apartment is a better solution than staying with them - easier for everyone.

3) Don't be afraid to acknowledge that you miss each other - never mind us, our little grandson is very very sad when we leave and it's important to talk about this with them and not to brush it under the carpet.

4) Homesickness on their part is normal. It does not mean they should come back! - and the quality of life they went there to find is usually much better than they could get if they came back here.

It has given us a whole new dimension to our lives - and actually, migration is a normal human activity (that's how our ancestors got to Britain!) - we are so lucky in this day and age to have the technology to communicate and visit relatively easily.

Good luck to all long-distance grans!

EastEnd I really like the 'thumbs up' for empty plates tradition you're beginning to build. You're spot on about finding the little things that long distance grandchildren can latch on to, which provides that all important link.
We have Monkey, a naughty hand-puppet. He's always on skype, travels in planes to see them, very cheeky when with them, and then flies back to his 'own' country. They love him!
I send post-cards as well.

jabbynana I was so sorry to hear that your move hasn't been all that you'd hoped for. I wondered if one year is still quite a short time to make such a major re-adjustment and whether perhaps things will get easier as time goes by. Could it be that your daughter was keen that you each retain your own space and independence? Or, could it be that your daughter is very busy and that, when you were just visiting, a special effort was made to spend time with you?

On the plus side, it's good that you have so much close contact with your grandchildren. Skyping/e-mailing is good for keeping in touch but it isn't quite the same as having someone physically close to you - they will benefit from this relationship as much as you do.