Aspergers in adults

Speki4eyes....sounds as if you are doing well, yes its those alone times that allow the thoughts to come crowding in...and they really can take over in a nanosecond!

The book I read was talked about on Gransnet - Its 'Mindfulness - a practical guide to Finding Peace in a Frantic world by Williams and Penman.
To be honest I also found a really brisk pounding walk one of the best 'treatments'. On the walks I would plan my future, sometimes rather impractically almost to the realms of fantasy. Turns out I was unwittingly doing the right thing as on reading the book it explained how much damage negative thoughts can do to your body chemistry and even pretend good thoughts give you a boost of the 'good' chemicals. To be honest deep down I think we know most of the thinking behind it, its just that at these hugely stressful times our rational brains go 'off line' as it were.
All the best.

specki I found affirmations helped me immensely when I was in the middle of separating from my Narcisstic ex partner of five years. I am happy, healthy, my heart is strong, blah blah blah. Every morning in the shower, driving to work, anywhere I said them and they did lift my spirits and made me more positive. My heart is strong was included because I truly thought I was going to have a heart attack from the stress he put me through. Everything was my fault, even though they were his decisions, he wouldn't listen to me, he was too clever, or so he thought. He was physically abusive and I was looking at losing everything I had.

I kicked myself for getting involved at first but now nearly three years after leaving him I don't think of him much, when I do it is only to wish him ill.

While your husband is still in your life it will be difficult to put him out of your mind. You do have lots to look forward to, it is the best feeling to get rid of a man who is just hard work. Good luck.

Hilda you are not preaching - of course not - your advice and experience is valuable to me. If you could see my diary at the moment, you would see that I truly am 'living' - choir, golf, tennis, painting, bridge, keeping in touch with my friends and their lives, not to mention making sure the house and garden will appeal when potential buyers visit.
The pensive moments and introspection surface when I'm alone - usually late at night - which is when I often check out Gransnet and do my posts.

What is the book you read? I could get it on my Kindle perhaps.

Speki4eyes....went through a divorce years ago and found myself wasting so much time doing the old 'why me' and the 'what ifs'. Try not to let the thoughts take over...do something practical. I found clearing out cupboards and decorating very useful.
I've recently read a book on Mindfulness and although I've not put too much of it in to practice as yet, I have found the idea that we should not let unpleasant thoughts swamp us, very useful. The book underlined the message that so many of these deep emotional thoughts we have are based on basic human chemistry....the flight or fight syndrome etc. Its something we all know but forget in times of stress. However, once you can recognise the bad thoughts as almost manufactured by our personalities and life experiences helped along by basic instincts and hormones, we can learn to almost ignore them.
Yes it is human nature to wonder why, but once you realise you are developing a boring pattern that gets you nowhere, then you need to say 'enough' and start to live.
Yes, I know its all very well other preaching, and can be so annoying, but at least you know a lot of us have gone through similar and kinda come out ok(ish).

Hilda Silver Beryl you are all so right of course - I must stop gnawing away at myself - he isn't losing a moment's sleep, naturally! Its only that I feel completely mystified by the fact that 30 years have passed in a semblance of normality. I now believe that I've actually spent most of those 30 years trying to find a way back to the heady, romantic days we shared at the beginning, whilst being systematically brainwashed into believing myself always at fault. The hoops that I have jumped through - backwards - in my attempts to make things better! The resentment I now feel over that is palpable. I WILL walk away emotionally, yes of course, but it is in my nature to conduct mental 'inquests' when trouble surfaces.

Tegan the disparaging anecdotes my H told of his first wife have always given me food for thought - i.e. I kept to myself a vague empathy and understanding with his ex, in the telling of them. I too would like to have a conversation with her but there would be no point because as our Gransnet friends urge - its time to move on.

Thank you all for you wise and kind words.

I agree with HildaW.
Don't waste any more time trying to figure him out.
Focus on yourself. The best revenge is to live well.
((Specki))

Specki am so sorry that you are going through this. I feel for you. My son
who is 42 has this condition which is connected to Autism and it makes for very difficult relationships, as those suffering from it are unable to empathise
with others and often feel socially isolated. The very best of luck x

Rationalising how someone else thinks is always going to be an upward slog. My father was a horrid husband and still is a dire father. All three of us have basically had to cut him out of our lives to save our sanity.
Everything was always someone else's fault for him - even when we were very young children and woe betide us if we tried to win at anything!
Having recently read about low grade psychopaths (supremely self-centred and narcissistic) that seemed to fit him to a tee too.
However, Specki, now that decisions have been made I'd be inclined to just emotionally walk away as soon as you can. You will just be perpetually trying to solve the problem of how he sees the world and (take it from me) that way madness lies. Its really a waste of time, far better to spend time helping yourself to see your future and to heal yourself. All the best.

I'm impossible to live with; but at least I acknowledge the fact .

tegan

It's not going to happen because I can't bear to be in the same village as her [which I am ] let alone have a conversation with her, but I'd love to ask the woman my ex left our marriage for how she felt living with him for several years. She eventually went back to her ex husband. I blamed myself for the break up of our marriage for years but the more I look back the more I realise how difficult he was to live with. I used to look at other peoples marriages and wonder why mine was so unhappy.

Tegan - exactly! He has always done that, but he somehow blanks it when he has the same effect on other people. They of course can retire hurt, and then avoid him, but I haven't had that luxury.
Often times in the past he has asked, "we haven't seen so and so for ages, what HAVE you said to him/her?" Grrrr!! And like a daft puppy I dash to them and ask if I have offended them and they say "no specki, YOU haven't"

I'm not trying to say I'm a saint - I'm not, far from it - but in my opinion, diplomacy rules in all relationships whether casual, cyber or personal.

Asberger's is a different animal I think speci, though as Jess says we can't diagnose on a forum. It does sound like projection - or maybe just controlling behaviour?

specki; my ex used to say to me that I shouldn't be angry with him if he upset/hurt me because he didn't mean to hurt me by his words/actions etc.

You aren't married to my next door neighbour are you?

I don't think we can hazard a diagnosis over a forum, but there is a well known psychological process (psychoanalysts discovered it) called "projection" in which someone believes that someone else is having their feelings. My sympathies anyway - all sounds a bit familiar from my first marriage. The sooner you are apart, the better by the sounds of things.