Aspergers in adults

Sorry Specki. Didn't mean to hijack your thread and take it off in another direction. Sorry you've had such a difficult time with your DH.

Greenfinch it is such a worry isn't it. It is so hard to explain what is and isn't acceptable behaviour to a child who just doesn't understand. My DGC has had lots of problems at school from bullying and exclusion. It's so hard for children who are seen to be "different". Autistic children can hurt others feelings but also can feel really hurt themselves by others actions that they don't understand.

I know exactly what you are sayingCrafting as we are in the same position with my DGS. There is a girl in his class whom he likes (he is7)so the other day he hugged her. She didn't like it and told the teacher. He then got into trouble and could not understand it .He became upset and angry so when another child coloured in his picture he pushed him away .In trouble again and all because he cannot read people. Yes, we worry for his future.

This is so sad for all those who have someone in their lives with autism. I feel for all of you who have problems with their partners but having a DGC with autism and seeing how DGC and parents suffer I hate to think that the future would only hold failed relationships. My DGC is difficult to deal with and has strict routines but at the same time is very loving and can feel sadness and hurt feelings because DGC cannot understand others point of view. It is not deliberate and not done to be difficult. It is like trying to expect someone with a broken leg to walk normally. It is an illness or neurological problem but not the child's fault. I just pray that somehow understanding and love may help ease the suffering and sadness the family feel.

Sorry Hilda - I misread your post - but the 3 year old sitting on my lap at the time might explain it!

Mishap, it was my DH, a child in the fifties and sixties, who was classed as a "naughty boy", not my lovely GS, who is getting all the help he needs, and is in a very understanding and supportive school.

Like several other posters on Gnet, my DGS has high functioning autism, and is very difficult to deal with. I have done a lot of reading and my DD tells me lots of strategies to help cope with him. he had an early diagnosis, which helped all of us not just him.Don't know what the future holds for him, he will always have a difficult life I suspect. medication makes things bearable for all of us ( that he takes) it would be bad without it.He is at the right school though where he can stay until he is 18. We see him a lot, and because we understand him can do and say the right things to make him less anxious, the constant anxiety felt by these sufferers must be terrible, especially for a child.The key is understanding the behaviour.

I do find it tedious that we are all expected to conform to some sort of norm - your GS being designated a naughty boy is so sad. We are all different.

Sadly those with Aspergers are not easy to live with in a partnership and I am sorry for those who have had to deal with this.

My DGS1was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome just after he started school at 5. My DH identifies with his behaviour patterns and the meltdowns he has. My DGS2 who is now 4 appears to have high functioning autism. He likes to sleep totally surrounded and my DD has bought him a bed tent. Yesterday my DH told me that he used to rig up a den over his bed with a wooden clothes horse and blankets! DH also likes routines, he puts everything we are to do on the calendar and will not deviate from his plans. He is also secretive, and hides things from me, money problems etc., hence yesterday's post in the AIBU thread about the electricity bill, which I subsequently found to be his doing!!! He had cancelled the direct debit because the power company changed it twice!!! I am dreading his retirement date, which is one year"s time. My DD and In are of the opinion that he has an ASD, and has had it since childhood when it wasn't recognised widely, and he was just treated as a naughty boy.

There's a good organisation for families of adults with AS which runs partners groups. Its called PASDA. Not all adults are like those ones mentioned in this thread. I think you have been most unlucky. Check out Number 6 too. Its a specific AS adult centre. Good luck all. PM me if you'd like to discuss further.

Faye I think your husband is my ex,s identical twin! I too stayed a long time ( far too long much to my regret) I left because he was also violent but also because of all the behaviours you have described. I do not think he is on the ASD spectrum I think he is sociopathic his thinking is so twisted and aggressive and he ALWAYS had to be right and would argue constantly trying to get me to see it as my fault. Before I left ( finally because of a vicious assault) I would often have conversations in my head putting them in a way that I thought were least likely to cause an adverse reaction when I spoke about something I needed to discuss. It become too difficult in the end to live like that.

Specki live your life it isn't your fault but men like these are SO good and trying to make you see it is. Good luck in the future to everyone who has had to put up with these type of relationships.

I did not know this thread was here, I have only just found it. I hope nobody minds me reviving it.
My son now age 45 was diagnosed with Aspergers four years ago when he lost his job. He said he had known for years that he had this condition. We have had such a difficult time. He is at loggerheads with everyone, and nothing is ever his fault- it is always other people. He has so much anger in him that its scary. Conversation is impossible because he never stops to listen- it's always him speaking as a monologue, nobody can get a word in edgeways. He is not interested in anything we say or do, and makes it obvious. He finds it hard to control his temper, and it is exhausting and he also makes very hurtful comments. He has no idea how much he upsets us. He will shout and swear on the phone so I am too scared to answer the phone in case it's him. With a marriage you can split up and separate, but you cant divorce your son.
I would be interested in updates from others on this thread- has your life changed in the last twelve months since this thread went dormant? I sincerely hope things have improved for you.

I can relate to this so much.
It's only in recent years that I've come to realise that my OH has AS. I too could never previously pinpoint the problem. He always seemed to be able to turn things around so I was at fault. He always has to be right!

I think I have previously posted that he now has Alzheimer's. So imagine if you can, someone that always had to be right, now getting forgetful, more unreasonable, muddled, but still insisting that he is in control & right!

Had a really bad night last night. Woken at 2.45am to be accused yet again of having affair with young man in village. He's been hinting then accusing me of this for the past 6mnths or so. It's been getting worse & since the storyline on Emmerdale recently re HIV, it's now gone up a level. He "doesn't want to die of HIV".
Eventually managed to get to sleep about 6am!

Think I will have to try & speak to someone at Alzscot tomorrow. On Alzheimer's forum they advise don't argue or shout, tell white lies etc. I've tried but this mix of AS & Alzheimer's is just too hard. To deal with one is hard but with both bloody nigh impossible difficult.

Nellie Rejoice in that - my ex deserted his own children until they were old enough to support themselves, criticised and bullied mine and took me to a clinic to terminate the one we accidentally created together. I also discovered that he had secretly taken and abandoned my cat. There is sometimes true evil in AS sufferers - they are not all benignly dotty. All should be aware of this.

Durhamjen

My OH had plenty of chances of employment but lost many of them because of his inabilty to finish work and having to carry it out in an obsessive manner. He was always late due to far too much checking or I suspect not liking being o be seen to be working. "I would have sent those Christmas Cards if you had not mentioned it."

He was not a useful employee because he did not pull his weight in any company. That it brutal I know. That is despite a masters degree.

((((hugs)))) to all you despairing partners. I know what it is like.

Speckie I think you and I have discussed this before. I recognise a lot of what you are describing.

It's clearly "all our fault" Speckie for complaining about their
unreasonable behaviour! #bigsighoffrustration.

My OH has never had a diagnosis but so many of the range of characteristic of the behaviours in the diagnostic profile are there. OH acknowledges this but refuses to address it. It is all my fault or "I don't want to talk about it!"
I am afraid I have sounded off about OH a good few times on GN.

About the only good thing I can think to say right now is that he is generally, and to me surprisingly, very good in dealing with young children, he was with ours and now with DGS.

Take care Speckie

Good - I'll let you know on here as soon as it's up and running.

Oh dear granoftwo how I feel for you.. all those meaningless routines and desperately sad insistence that they are adhered to. A friend told me the other day that they could set their watches by our arrival at their house - it HAD to be exactly on the dot of the time we were invited. What she didn't know is that he would have been pacing the house manically for up to half an hour before we left in order to achieve this precise timetable. Any hold ups had to be factored in - these included potential problems like flat tyres, traffic lights, railway barriers....grrr!!
I have now divorced my AS husband of 30 years but he still manages to get to me. possibly because we are still living under the same roof until a buyer emerges for our house. The house is large and its not too difficult but he has now developed some kind of paranoia which results in him accusing me of plotting against him and sabotaging his personal effects. When I get angry at these ridiculous accusations he further accuses me of being "aggressive". I didn't know I knew so many words beginning with 'F'!! I'll be very interested in that website!

thats a hard one, like Down's syndrome there is such a huge difference from good to impossible, you really do need an experts testing.

You also need to look at the autism.org website. At the moment there is something going through parliament to ensure that people with ASD, which now includes Aspergers have a chance of employment, but you need to get MPs to sign up to it.
I know mine will because she worked in education, with kids with learning difficulties, and is on the education sub-committee. But not all of them are as interested.

Someone I know is currently developing a website for people in neurodiverse relationships. It starts up at the beginning of March, and I can link to it here once it's up and running. Speki, all the issues you're having are completely typical, hence the need for a website to discuss them - otherwise it feels like you're going nuts! Anyone not living it won't believe the extent of it, or its effect on you.

If you look at www.autism.org.uk there is a link to an adult Aspergers site. It's very interesting.

Speki, When my grandson was diagnosed with Autism aged five, five years ago, my partner stated that he remembered acting like him when he was a child. We all stood open-mouthed and I had to say, what do you mean when you were a child, you still do it. Needless to say he thought I was joking.
Now that he has taken early retirement and we are together most of the time
I am finding it very difficult.He has all these various rituals and routines and does not like his daily routine disrupted. I am beginning to feel like an eighty year old instead of in my fifties. We look after our two grandsons and the younger one who starts school this year is even rebelling. He wants our grandson to do things his way if he is playing with him. I comment to him about the way he does various things but don't know how to approach it properly. If I say anything he has what I would describe as a tantrum !!
We don't have a social life anymore. However i am working part-time, that is keepimg me partly sane.

Speckie - I PM'd you - to do with where we both live!

Faye yes it is interesting how certain phrases can trigger something off. When I can't get off to sleep, the phrase, 'A warm bed on a winter's night' makes me drift away.

And Hilda I'm doing a fantasy in-detail design and refurbishment of a little house that I've inspected and liked. I've even chosen all the paint colours from F & B!!!