divorce

Hi Mani
Please don't feel you have to reply.. I understand. Some things are much too sensitive to write about.
My DS and DiL seem to have got things on an amicable level - as friends rather than there being any romance left . Personally I can't get my head round it and it seems a bit odd but then we are a different generation. Thanks for helping me with your comments in the forum
Best wishes
Kate.

Kate13 My heart goes out to you.
It felt like the worst day of my life when in 2002 after 5 yrs living together and 4 yrs married DIL announced she wanted divorce and left taking their 2yr old son.-now has another partner and 3 more children.
I’ve told my story on ‘Denied Contact’ and ‘Cut out of their Lives’ and don’t want to repeat it all.There are many GNs who have known this heartbreak.
I can only say tread carefully ,bite your lip and take care of your son -and yourself.
Send me a pm (private mail) if you want more info.
Love and hugs

Guess that smiley didn't work! I'll try again ..ah well. ....

Thanks for your positive response. I'll follow your advice and plough on . [Smile]

Kate13, you are the key. Just keep on doing what you are and your husband wiil eventually follow suit. So long as one of you is keeping the channels open all will be well.

I have to say I was terrified of pressing the " send" button. I'm really exhausted but your advice to try to keep on good terms with my DiL made me do it. I was also terrified of the response or, worse still, no response. Hope this is the start of "best of a bad job".
I have to now try and get my husband on side. He's not doing too well on the communication bit with either our DS or DiL or me for that matter. Any ideas?

I hope the soon-to-be-ex DiL realises what a treasure her MiL is.

Really good to read that Kate13 it must have taken a huge amount of courage

That sounds really positive Kate, I think if we assume that people have a better nature and play to that, then that is how they respond.
Well done to you for making the effort.

I made a huge effort today and contacted my DiL.Just a general chatty email about what we're doing and about my DGS. Got an immediate reply. Very comforting to know she wants to keep us in her life. The separation is being done amicably she says and there is huge focus on making sure it affects DGS as little as possible. Fingers crossed. Thanks all of you for being there. I felt pretty rock bottom last week
Kate 13
PS I dipped into a different forum yesterday.Goodness it was bitchy. Thank you for being so kind and supportive.

That's such good news, Kate13, keep it up!

Hello everyone
This is the first time in six weeks I've woke up without feeling sick and the first time I've slept through to 7am. Thank you, all of you for your help.

Kate13 No outsider, even a loving mother and mother-in-law, knows what someone else's marriage is really like. Your daughter-in-law's reasons and feelings are hers alone and it is a wise woman who does not judge her and assign blame.

So many kids live in families where there has been divorce these days that it is almost normal. Certainly they will not feel oddities in the way that previous generations did.

Divorce is always sad but keeping an open mind and an open heart can go a long way towards assuaging everyone's pain, even your own.

Good luck .

Kate13 I'm sorry you're having such an upsetting time.

A lot of research has shown that writing down your feelings - perhaps keeping a journal - helps people to deal with sad, angry or traumatic emotions/experiences. Because what is written is for you alone and not intended for anyone else, there is no need to censor the anger you are feeling.

I hope things work out for you all.

Oh dear, I am not doing well on the anger management side of things Kate13 but annsixty you do seem to offer some pretty good advice.

That's my goal. I only hope I achieve the results you got.

It is 13 years now for me Kate and you will have a very sore tongue from biting it so much but, never take sides, never critisise your DinL to your son, never agree when she critisises him and if In-laws get involved beat a hasty retreat. But above all else keep all lines of communication open with your DinL. It is very hard but worth it . My relationship with all is good, so much so that my ex DinL's children with her partner call me Nanna, but it has been worked at very hard on all sides and you have a long journey but I wish you very well on it.

Tips for anger management? :-(

This is not something I have had to deal with myself (Touch Wood!) but, from what I have read of other peoples' experience, I think it is very important to stay on good terms with your DiL. The fact that she can walk away like this is devastating for you, but if you can overcome the anger and maintain a good relationship I think it will pay dividends in years to come.

That was so positive, thank you. Think that talking to you all is making the black hole less deep.

Kate I'm sorry for what you are going through - I haven't been in your situation, but I know how very painful I would find it.
I do have young friends though, whose parents divorced when they were small, and although they did not have life in a 'normal' family, they seemed to cope remarkably well with it at the time, and have turned from being happy and healthy children into happy and healthy adults.
So don't lose heart - all you can do is be as helpful as you possibly can, and non-judgmental towards both your son and your DiL.
And of course you will be a rock for your grandson.

Thanks for the advice. I will try not to rock the boat.

Yes. I have always got on well with my DiL In fact, this in a way has makes it doubly hurtful as I love her as a second daughter but now I'm so angry with her for making the decision to deny my GS a life in a normal family. It's just selfish. She has hurt my son so much and is now going to mess up my GS.

Did you get on well with your DinL before this happened? Do try and stay friends with her if at all possible. It makes life so much easier when you are talking to your DGS. Remember she will always be your DGS's Mother. Been there.

So pleased Kate that you feel we may be of some help At least you know you are not on your own, sometimes it does help to talk to others who have gone through what you are going through and have come out of the other side. We are there for you.