divorce

Kate13 Welcome to Gransnet. So sorry for you that you have this major unhappiness but there are lots of lovely people on here who will try to help you through.

My advice would be to persuade your son to keep his anger at the divorce apart from the upbringing of his son. It is important that the parents discuss and share all decisions for your DGS and do everything within their power to keep a united front. There may be other parties involved in the divorce but they are not the parents and should take a step back. Sadly all you can do is be there for your DS and DGS whenever you are needed.

My daughter was divorced 3 years ago and we are getting there but it does feel as though it is one step forward and two steps back sometimes. I know that you and I will get through

When I referred to 'other parties' I was meaning new partners, not yourself I hasten to add! (((hugs)))

Kate Welcome, I have been there,done that,and as to your DS and GS you can only be there loving and supporting and hope it isn't too messy. For yourself and your pain it is like bereavement,the life you anticipated with your son ,his wife and family,have gone and full siblings for your GS are but a dream. You will realise I speak from the heart. It will get better in time just be kind to yourself and keep in touch on here you will get help.

DD went through an horrific divorce and her two young boys suffered greatly.
Now, 12 years later, we are in the situation again but this time things don't seem so bad.

Try and be there for your GC as a calm centre and don't take sides.

Eventually things will settle down. Now my DD is fairly friendly with her first husband and the boys, now adults, are doing well.

Thank you. I'm hurting so much for my son. My daughter in law is the one leaving. No one else involved. She had depression after my grandson was born and it seems to have spiralled over the three years. She was 19 when they met and is now 31. She wants her freedom. Trouble is, as the husband's mum, I don't know what's going on.They are still together in the family home. How do I carry on as if nothing's happening.? (We live an hour's drive away.) How can I help without interfering?
Can someone explain what DD, DS DGS mean please ?

DearSon Dear Grandson Dear Husband etc.

My heart goes out to you right now, you must be in so much pain. It sounds as though your daughter in law (DiL) is still suffering from depression. Perhaps Relate might be able to guide your DS through, particularly if both of them attend. Relate is not just there to help a couple patch things up.

I don't think you can help really other than on a practical level - a listening ear, etc. your DGS is too young to know what is going on so other than for him do you need to carry on as though nothing is happening? I worry that you might make yourself ill over this.

Hi Kate13 - welcome and so sorry for you, your son, DiL, and DGS. You must all be hurting. I have never experienced this but you must feel so sad.

If you click on acronyms along the top, just under where it says 'Gransnet Forums' you'll see what the abbreviations are.

Keep talking to us - we can be very kind!

It's been the best thing for me deciding (very hesitantly) to join gransnet. It's such a comfort knowing others who understand. (Husband not too good with emotions).
Just to be able to admit the horror of it all is such a relief. My main problem is dwelling on it.It doesn't really help but it won't go away.
Thank you for not telling me to get a life.

So pleased Kate that you feel we may be of some help At least you know you are not on your own, sometimes it does help to talk to others who have gone through what you are going through and have come out of the other side. We are there for you.

Did you get on well with your DinL before this happened? Do try and stay friends with her if at all possible. It makes life so much easier when you are talking to your DGS. Remember she will always be your DGS's Mother. Been there.

Yes. I have always got on well with my DiL In fact, this in a way has makes it doubly hurtful as I love her as a second daughter but now I'm so angry with her for making the decision to deny my GS a life in a normal family. It's just selfish. She has hurt my son so much and is now going to mess up my GS.

Thanks for the advice. I will try not to rock the boat.

Kate I'm sorry for what you are going through - I haven't been in your situation, but I know how very painful I would find it.
I do have young friends though, whose parents divorced when they were small, and although they did not have life in a 'normal' family, they seemed to cope remarkably well with it at the time, and have turned from being happy and healthy children into happy and healthy adults.
So don't lose heart - all you can do is be as helpful as you possibly can, and non-judgmental towards both your son and your DiL.
And of course you will be a rock for your grandson.

That was so positive, thank you. Think that talking to you all is making the black hole less deep.

This is not something I have had to deal with myself (Touch Wood!) but, from what I have read of other peoples' experience, I think it is very important to stay on good terms with your DiL. The fact that she can walk away like this is devastating for you, but if you can overcome the anger and maintain a good relationship I think it will pay dividends in years to come.

Tips for anger management? :-(

It is 13 years now for me Kate and you will have a very sore tongue from biting it so much but, never take sides, never critisise your DinL to your son, never agree when she critisises him and if In-laws get involved beat a hasty retreat. But above all else keep all lines of communication open with your DinL. It is very hard but worth it . My relationship with all is good, so much so that my ex DinL's children with her partner call me Nanna, but it has been worked at very hard on all sides and you have a long journey but I wish you very well on it.

That's my goal. I only hope I achieve the results you got.

Oh dear, I am not doing well on the anger management side of things Kate13 but annsixty you do seem to offer some pretty good advice.

Kate13 I'm sorry you're having such an upsetting time.

A lot of research has shown that writing down your feelings - perhaps keeping a journal - helps people to deal with sad, angry or traumatic emotions/experiences. Because what is written is for you alone and not intended for anyone else, there is no need to censor the anger you are feeling.

I hope things work out for you all.

Kate13 No outsider, even a loving mother and mother-in-law, knows what someone else's marriage is really like. Your daughter-in-law's reasons and feelings are hers alone and it is a wise woman who does not judge her and assign blame.

So many kids live in families where there has been divorce these days that it is almost normal. Certainly they will not feel oddities in the way that previous generations did.

Divorce is always sad but keeping an open mind and an open heart can go a long way towards assuaging everyone's pain, even your own.

Good luck .

Hello everyone
This is the first time in six weeks I've woke up without feeling sick and the first time I've slept through to 7am. Thank you, all of you for your help.

That's such good news, Kate13, keep it up!