got to get to know granddaughter before i can babysit

grateful - I'll join in with the 'great post' brigade. Good to read of such a positive and giving attitude.

I love the idea of a mass sleepover . What a great post,

gratefulgran54 - exactly!!

Aw thanks peeps, glad I joined up. My tiddlers are very important to me, and I love them dearly. I raised my boys alone from 5,7 and 9, so my family is very important to me. I may not like what they do sometimes, but I will ALWAYS be there for them if I possibly can.......and I must be doing something right 'cos they all launch themselves at me when I see them for lots of hugs and kisses...LOVE IT!!!!

Hello, grateful! Nice to meet you, and couldn't agree more.

Great debut grateful! Welcome.

What a smashing post, gratefulgran. Very good advice

Oops, can tell I'm new, wrong brackets used lol

Thanks Gorki, didn't think my first post on GN would be so heartfelt, but there you go. I am known for my verbal/typing diarrhoea though, get me going on a subject I'm passionate about, and there's no knowing when it will end. And I am VERY passionate about my gorgeous 'tiddlers', they make life very worthwhile (grin)

Good post gratefulgran

Hi, I'm new to GN so have spent some time just reading through threads, getting to know how it works, what sort of things are talked about etc.
But having come across this convo I feel compelled to 'put in my 2 penn'orth' as they say.
NannyRodders please, please get your bum down there and get to know your GD for no other reason than to do just that. Don't have a means to an end, if you've been invited, for god's sake go...not going is like sticking two fingers up and saying 'shan't, unless'.
I have 4 gorgeous GC and am lucky in that they are all close by, and I see them quite frequently. But that's because I've never asked for a 'lend'. When they were tiny I went to them, had a cuddle if I could, or just sat gazing adoringly while chatting to Mum and Dad. They quickly got used to me being around, started smiling when I came, which gave their parents the confidence to say 'would you mind having them for an hour while I nip to the shops?'.....which soon turned into, 'could you babysit?'.
Sitting in your own home waiting is not 'making yourself available', that's just expecting them to jump to your tune.
My GC are 8,6,4 and 3, and we have just had our 1st mass sleepover in the summer holidays. They all came, we camped on the lounge floor and a great time was had, but when they were little I always babysat there. The only time I did an overnight when they were little was when the next one was on the way...needs must really!
Another good reason to go is to get to know your DIL better too, and give her confidence in you. If you're not responding to invites she may be a little nervous that you don't really want to, and if you're not careful, she'll stop asking.
By the way, I have 3 sons, therefore 3 DIL's, and am pleased to say we all get on fine...we're not best buddies, we do have differing opinions on child-care, but have a healthy respect for each others views, and we can all spend a whole day under the same roof without a cross word.......that's what being a family is, and particularly what being a GP is...after all, these little darlings are not our children, they are theirs. The only 'right' we have is to love them, and be there for them when they need us, and I can tell you it is the best feeling in the world.
Go see her, go love her, don't expect anything from it...you'll be surprised I bet!

I too agree with when - it is lovely to see our GC enjoying time with the other set of grandparents, and to know that they are learning to develop loving relationships with others. There are lots of things that the others can do that we cannot because of our physical limitations - but they do quite different things with us - lots of reading and cuddling and making things and sitting by the piano singing songs - activities that do not involve good mobility.

The bottom line is that they are not our children and our job is to help support our own children to be parents - but on their terms. Biting the tongue is a regular occurrence!! - and we have no right to demand anything.

I'm sorry to join this late. It seems to me that modern parents are very controlling . I just handed my abides over to my mother grateful for a few hours of but I literally had to pass the feeding test, the changing test, the pushing the buggy test. When the children were little I was given a list of rules and a list of times. The parents used to phone to check if they were napping at the right time. In eight years I don't think our older grand child has had a dozen sleepovers here. More importantly, we have a good relationship with our son and daughter in law and wonderful relationships with our grand children. It hurts at times but we have learnt to roll with it.

I agree with whenim64 about taking pleasure from the other grandparents' relationship with the children. A child can't have too many loving people in his or her life and they seem able to make room for all of us given the opportunity.

My grandson started staying for a sleepover at six months old about once a month. My son had always enjoyed staying with his grandma and it felt right for everyone. When the second one came along we waited till we all felt comfortable and then had both of them. (Quite hard work but worth it.). They are now off overseas and I'm so glad we had all that time with them. However I think it has to come from them and you have to be accommodating and gain the trust of the parents and the children.

Can only agree with what Lona has said about Better[whose MIL is a very silly lady who obviously doesn't appreciate what a fantastic DIL she has].

What an honest and helpful post, Better. There's something about relatives or friends thinking they can pull a child in their direction because that happened with their own children. Why do they want to do that? We grandparents are there to support and promote the parents' relationship with their children and to be as selfless as we can. There's a fabulous reward for doing that, but our bond with our grandchildren is secondary.

I remember my ex's parents descending on my firstborn when I took him to visit so they could mind him for an hour. They didn't even look at me when I was leaving their house, nor acknowledge my 'goodbye.' I was hurt and angry with them, because I felt excluded at a time when I felt I should have felt closer to them. It was quite a while before they minded him again, and then it was at my house, where I felt I could assert myself and prevent them 'grabbing' him off me.

As a grandmother, I get just as much satisfaction from watching my little grandchildren walking hand in hand with their other nana and knowing how loved they are, as I do when they home in on me. It's their happiness and security that is paramount.

NannyRodders get to know your granddaughter in her own surroundings. Get on a bus or plan your diary around when you definitely can have the car, then book in those dates with the parents so they can rely on you visiting for a few hours. Before long, they'll be leaving you with her for an hour or so whist they are busy with other things.

None of my 6 grandchildren came to stay over when they were tiny. By the time they get to four, they're asking to stay over for themselves.

No-one likes to be pressured over their tiny children. Be generous (I don't mean financially - with your support for the good job they're doing), and it will bring you more time with your grandaughter, which you can have just as easily in her parents' company.

I ran this question past my daughter and she said she wouldn't try and leave her 10month old with her husband (who looks after him during the day) for a night,never mind leaving him with me! I didn't have his brother overnight until he was six and that was quite early enough for both of us.

Great post Better

Writing with a DILs point of view here & cannot agree more with mishap

I very rarely respond to posts & considered letting this one go but felt compelled to reply hoping that the more people that point out you are being rather unreasonable will help you to understand.

The reason I think it's so important that you're very careful with the way you handle this situation is because my MIL sadly shared your opinion that she had a god given right to our new daughter (although admittedly, there were lots more issues on top of this). And this ultimately led to my husband deciding he no longer wanted his parents involved in any of our lives.

After a brief period of estrangement last year, I pressured my husband to reconsider and 'give her one more chance' hoping that she'd change her overbearing, demanding ways but sadly she didn't and eventually again my husband told them that we didn't want to have anymore contact with them. I do agree with him this time, although I still feel sad that my daughter is missing out on having the maximum number of people to love her in her life. My husband doesn't share my sadness and I very much doubt he will ever back down.

I tell you all this to try to help you see that this could easily all end badly if you don't tread very carefully, my mother in law I'm sure would never have believed her son would have gone through with 'cutting them out' but she pushed him too far for too long, so please do be careful.

As others have said, you are very lucky that you have been offered the opportunity to visit and spend quality time with your granddaughter.

You will alienate your son and his wife if all you ever do is try and get the baby 'to yourself' even if you find a way to pretend its for their benefit. There is something in you that kicks in if a person persistently tries to get your baby away from you all the time and you naturally go against that. You will make the parents feel like a means to an end. You do not need to get the baby alone to bond with her, you can do that easily in the company of her parents. If during this time you constantly try to monopolise her and complain or sulk when she is 'taken off you' etc you will find you stop getting invited round.

The overwhelming feeling my husband and I could never get over was why on earth my mother in law wanted to put our baby through the ordeal of separating her from us when she knew that the baby wasn't familiar with her. It is purely selfish and it does not show that you have the child's best interest at heart, only your own.

I could go into the whole daughters mother vs sons mother thing, but I think I've probably said enough for now, like mishap I do not mean to sound harsh.

I hope you can find a way to be happy with your son and his wife's wishes, and develop a good relationship with your granddaughter, grandparents are so important in a child's life.

I go up every other month to spend time with my two lovely GDs aged four and a half and two. My son works from home so I go up to give him a break and also more time to devote to his work. I have done quite a bit of babysitting in the evenings and the four your old spent part of her spring half term with me and her other GM. I'm about to embark on a marathon sit for 3 weeks. My son is off to Sweden to host and compere an event and has asked for my help. He will be home for a few days in the middle of the marathon but I will basically be on my own from 7.30am to 6.30 pm approx. This will include the school run for the 4 year old and a playgroup for the 2 year old. I have been lectured not to do my usual running around washing cleaning and bits of gardening as they don't want me to wear myself out. Just look after the children. So come week after next off I go - watch this space!!!

I guess I was very lucky that my son and wife chose to live near us and not the other grandparents. We have been the chosen ones for the past five years (convenience of course) but I have always felt privileged to be involved. (The other grandparents have another daughter nearby so it seemed fair.) They are now off to live 8000 miles away and the wrench will be all the more severe but I am very grateful for what we have had. It is always necessary to do things on their terms or chance losing out altogether. Walking on eggshells would be easy in comparison. Try to visit if you are invited - little and often could be the key to building up the relationship.

My first GD lived close by so I saw a great deal of her and her half brother. But I never had her to stay until she was over 2 and out of nappies. We are, nevertheless, still very close - she is now 21. I helped her mother out in many ways - the relationship with DS had broken down - but contact with GD was never in any way a reward or thanks for this assistance. Count yourself lucky to live only 30 miles from your family. My younger GC live a three hour train journey away and I don't see as much of them as I would like. And even I am so much more fortunate than those grans whose families live on the other side of the planet.

Hi NannyRodders, I was at my DGS.s birth and because my DD had a bad time with post natal depression I have been a constant in his life. I was also recovering from cancer when he was just a baby so she was at my house with him most day, to keep my spirits up I suppose. What I am trying to say is that although I have seen the little man several times a week for the past three years he only started staying overnight when he was about 18 months old. We all felt that it was best for him even though this is almost his second home. I agree with others that 8 months is when separation anxiety is at its peak. The babies realise that they are a separate person from their mother and become very stressed when mummy is not there. My little man is asleep in the room with me now. He sleeps on a sofa bed and I am on the other sofa. He still asked to go home to mummy even though he is quite happy here.

I do feel for you and do understand how much you want to see your DGD but I think you should travel to them and take their offer up of getting to know the little one. There is plenty of time - she will look forward to your visits and you will soon become an important part of her life. Just give it time.

I have two daughters and they both have me as babysitter it's normal for the maternal grandmother to be the 'chosen' one. That is not said in a malicious way at all. My son's both have children but, luckily we all live quite close to each other. I hope you do get to know the little one.

Surely the thread title is back to front. Your granddaughter needs to get to know you – and that doesn't all happen at once.