family split up

Keep giving your son a shoulder to cry on. My son went through this harrowing episode 13 years ago with two toddlers. There are no easy answers to this heartbreaking time in your life. It made us all even closer as a family as his brother and sister were there for him too. My son, has had many court battles with his ex, but through perserverance has his kept the contact with his children. He has been lucky enough to remarry and have two more children. His new wife is brilliant, sadly the ex is still a pain.

Hi everybody. New twist. DD has decided we're all round the bend even considering a family holiday with all this stress and anger around. Has practically forbidden us to take the two DGDs into a potential war zone. So it looks as though only DS DGS DiL and her parents will go. We might go for a day.

A good point Penstemmon. We're all so focused on DGS that I don't think anyone has thought about the adults. I'll talk to DS but suspect he'll say he's okay and doesn't need it.
I'm using you all as my counsellors but take your point that I should go and see someone. (DO is not much use in these situations!) I get mood swings-sometimes ok and practical, sometimes in the depths. Not even a glass or six help.
Thanks for the advice.

Hi Kate sorry to hear about this difficult situation with your son ad his family.

You might find it helpful to have a some counselling about this. Relate or other organisations may guide you as to what is suitable for your circumstance.

Also if your son is still really upset about the situation he would benefit too from a completely neutral listening ear via counselling.

They seem to have been mature about their little boy's needs but adults need looking after too!

Take care

Nothing much to add kate, but thinking of you. Family break ups are so hard on everyone involved. As others have said, be a listening ear, try and keep calm, and carry on!

Thanks Rowantree. It's really comforting to know you guys are out there. I know there's nothing I can do to change things. Just got to stay steady and go with the gkow. Fortunately DiL hasn't rejected us and ,apart from last weekend, things have been running fairly smoothly. DGS seems to be taking it all as "normal" and is a happy and loving little boy so they've done well to keep their differences away from him. I wonder what will happen when he goes to school in September?
As far as the holiday is concerned, it's been a family tradition since DGS was 2, so "the norm". The grandparents get on very well so hopefully we can have a happy time for DGS. and a big thank you to all of you who have been so supportive.

SO much wonderful advice and support here that I can't add much, but I just wanted to add my virtual hugs - you must be in so much pain about all this, and as to men crying -why on earth shouldn't they? IMO it's a sign of emotional health if people can express and show their feelings, however painful. Let him cry all he needs to and it's a credit to you that he feels able to confide in you. It must be very difficult though not to take sides, but I'd echo the gentle encouagement to try and avoid it if possible. No one knows what another couple's relationship is REALLY like and you only get one point of view from one of them. As Kiora says, you're in the middle, and you have a huge amount to cope with, so I hope you have friends and other family who can support you - and of course Gransnetters are always a listening ear. Hang in there and big hugs from me too

Crikey Kate13 that is an impressive plan! I cannot imagine such a thing with my family. We are much too argumentative lively and would end up killing each other without doubt. Good to have something to look forward to as well

purple thank you for your very good advice. We've had DGS overnight and he's been a delight. No signs at all of anything being "abnormal". My DiL and DS have calmed things down for his sake and all is running reasonably well -or at least as well as it ever will be.
We are ALL going on holiday together in three weeks time, including DiL's parents and my two DGDs, his cousins. I'll take your advice
and be there and zip up! .
Thanks again x

Thanks for your kind words Aka. I shall rest easy tonight.

I don't see why that was a 'bombshell' Kate ... she was obviously upset that your DS was 'seeing someone else' which should tell you something. Nor do I understand why you should accuse her of 'one rule for her, one fir DS' when that is exactly what you are doing.

I think you need to step back from all this, for the sake of GC, and offer even-handed sympathy and support. Excellent advice fro Purple 'keep arms open and mouth firmly shut'.

Hope the G and T (s) did the trick! I can't really add to all these wise words you have been given except to say that from observation of my three offspring and what I hear about their friends'lives, relationships are very very different now. Expectations are much higher than they were too which makes it harder for people of both sexes to make decisions. I have two DS and 1 DD so I do see things from both gender viewpoints. It is so much worse when there is a child involved too. Personally I think all you can do is to be there for all three when asked to be and to keep arms open and mouth firmly shut.so hard to do. to you.

Today has been a misery. After the big row last night there was another this morning.All in front of DGS.I'm desperately trying to stay non judgemental and I can see how angry DiL is. She is, incidentally, "seeing someone" from an online dating site. Everything is illogical.One rule for her, one for DS. Then comes the bombshell that she doesn't want them to separate after all. This is just surreal. I don't know how to react. Worrying won't help so perhaps a large G&T or six is the answer

Kate13 have pm'd you.

kate you've had so much good advice on here. All I can add is that my son and I are also very close, and he is the same age as your son. My husband will also sometimes make a comment in similar circumstances (although he doesn't get angry and wouldn't say "crybaby", he'd probably say something like "he needs to man up") but when I explain to him about why I'm doing it and about feeling as if I am "piggy in the middle" and how much it upsets me being pulled from pillar to post between the two of them, he is much more understanding and will usually give me a hug or a touch to let me know we're okay. So I suppose I'm saying - instead of being defensive, does your husband know what it is like for you, his wife?

And secondly (quite important this for me) every now and again when my husband tells me I am getting over involved and need to step back a bit - he is usually right.

This never happens with my daughter by the way.

I hope you have a better night's sleep tonight, there is nothing worse than not sleeping because you are worried about one of your children.

Kate I can't really add to the wise advice you've been given. I would most certainly keep as neutral as possible, listen to them both and try to keep a good relationship with your dil.
I dread being in this situation, we never know what's in the future.

You never really know what is going on in these circumstances and it takes a long time for both parties to sort out their lives. It is very important to keep a good relationship with your DIL so try to be kind to her. She will have lots of mixed up feelings that she does not know how to deal with.
It reminded me of something that happened years ago. The background to this is that after I left my abusive first husband he harassed the hell out of me for about a year, trying to get me back. Tried everything to get me back from badgering me into couples counselling to death threats. Upset my kids, threatened to hit my stepfather, made his mother's life miserable etc etc
About 10 years later I was at a social event. I noticed that a woman kept staring at me. After several hours she cornered me and revealed that while all that carnage was going on, he was seeing her! Met my 7 yr old son even.
She was really fascinated to meet me! Always wanted to know what I looked like etc Wanted to be my new best friend!
With the benefit of distance I found this rather entertaining. But it just goes to show that even if you are closely involved, you never know what is really going on.

Oh kate I can tell by the time of your post that your obviously very upset. I really feel for you. I think it's so much harder being the paternal grandparent. The daughter-in-law holds so much power, or at least that's how it feels to us. The fear of loosing contact with your beloved grandchild is unbearable. The only advice I can give is 'hold on very tight' this may be a long and bumpy journey. No matter how much you may want to defend your son to his ex DONT. Bite your tongue and just listen. She is hurting and needs to vent,so let her or She may be trying to hurt him through you. What ever her intention you need to appear neutral. I'm sure you'll get more precise advice here than mine but I think you need to find a way of coping with your own hurt and fear. Your the one in the middle dealing with your sons emotional needs, his ex anger and hurt and wanting the best for your grandson and keeping your relationship with the little chap. On top of that your husband isn't handling it well. That's more than enough for anyone to cope with. Things will get better I'm sure. In the meantime take care of yourself, deep deep breath. Perhaps you need to cry. You'll cope no matter how bad it gets. Hold on. and a (((((((hug)))))

I think seasider is making a very important point.

You need to be very careful how you handle this and remember DiL has feelings too. Perhaps she's not trying to hurt you but to let you know she's hurting.

Katy many years ago my husband left me for a friend and I told his mum he was seeing someone. I think I felt she had taken his side (understandably) and I felt betrayed by all his family as well as him because they did not contact me or offer support. In later years we all became friends again and they explained they had thought I would not want to speak to them because of what ex-DH had done!

Another sleepless night after a distraught and angry(and estranged) DiL decided to let me know my DS "is seeing someone". I didn't need to know this and my DS has chosen not to let us know yet. For the first time I feel that she's deliberately trying to hurt me. What does she expect? They've been separated for a while now. I''ve followed some good advice but now I am fed up with being the punch bag.. What's the next step please?

Deep down I think you're right lona. They are managing a remarkable amount of civility considering.
My DS has fallen over backwards to make it clear that none of our side of the family should be against DiL for DGS' s sake. Quite rightly.Maybe this is the way forward. Certainly her parents are on my DS' s side and he'll always be a part of their family. They are good people. So to give it time is all we can do. Impossibly difficult though.

Kate I think some people have much better relationships when they actually live apart, so give it time. They may all be a lot happier this way.
I do hope so for the sake of dgs.

Kate I do feel for you, but your son has done a remarkable job. We had to deal with such a nasty vicious split that I can't help thinking that your family will be ok. You and your DS have done all you could for your little GS and he seems to be coping well. The wider family too seems to be working together successfully. That's something we didn't manage and I lost friends of 40 years. Look on your DS's input of effort and cash as an investment which will surely pay dividends in the future.

Pity about your other half - I have no experience of such a situation. All I can say is that you can take comfort from the way the family has coped so far and as the 'rawness' fades your OH might get a grip and be more supportive.

Petallus, the first year was very difficult but DD's ex finally sorted himself out and although he'll never win awards as dad of the year, he now does have the children overnight for a couple of nights most weeks. Fingers crossed for you!

Kate I think you have a boy to be proud of there,he has made sure your DGS has the surroundings he is used to and still has the continuing presence of all the grandparents,we hear so much of GPs loosing contact with their DGC when a relationship breaks down and it is so sad when that happens.