Who pays ?

Would be interesting to hear what MNetters think of this topic.

I totally agree with Eloethan and others who say the same thing. It does depend on your own finances. We are financially better off than DD and see this as helping the family so we would never dream of taking anything from them. We have the grandchildren for 3 days a week which involves providing 2 packed lunches each and the petrol involved to taking them to school 3 times a week. In the holidays we take them out for days and their pleasure is our reward. We can well afford it so there is no problem and we know we are appreciated. Each family is a different situation.

Further to my post above, DD3 transferred some money to our account and proposes to pay us £50 per week! In her circumstances we feel this is too much and don't really want her to pay anything - really difficult!

Oh and the little ones do like to have a choice.

Totally agree with you Granny23 The amount of breakfast cereal we go through alone !

Nina I know what you mean. It's just getting the occasional unexpected hug, being told that they don't know what they would do without you, bringing some flowers now and then or a bar of chocolate they know you like. Small things can make a huge difference.

I really don't know what to suggest because I have only been asked once to look after my oldest GS when he was tiny. Nothing happened that I can think of, nothing has been said so I have no idea why I haven't been asked since. But my DD is the same, no hugs, no compliments just presents at birthdays and Christmas, nice presents but it seems just like it's duty really.

Enjoy being able to have you GC without their mum and dad around. Revel in their hugs, it will pay dividends in years to come from them.

My DS on the other hand, when opening the door to him the other night said, totally unexpected "Mum, don't ever change, will you?" and will hug unexpected too.

I think you are doing a grand job, here's some from me. X

Phoenix I understand your point of view. No one wants to be taken for granted. Nothing wrong with a thank you every now and again and showing you care and appreciate what someone does for you. It takes time and effort
to keep any relationship on track.

Forgot to say we are taking them and DD on holiday for a week October half term.
I not really a ski flint

As I said if children care was an occasional thing then I wouldn't think twice about it. We do take them out, we contribute to school uniform and trips, we have a supply of craft stuff, toys and books. I buy my own nappies for the youngest. I never think about the cost of any of this as it's DH's and my choice. I don't have a choice when it comes to feeding them though.

As someone posted, I think I'm just feeling a bit taken for granted

I am a Granny supporting just myself bUt work full time with quite a good salary. I don't have grandchildren every week because DD lives 150 miles away. If they come and stay with me for the weekend I buy all the food and extra treats and would not expect to be paid. It gives me a lot of pleasure to "spoil" them when they are here I could go a couple of weeks then with not seeing them hence no extra expense. I do notice the difference if I have made 2 trips driving down to them in a month. My petrol bill for the month is a lot more but again it's my choice and I pay. My daughter feeds me for the weekend and that's fine I usually take down several bottles of wine for them and know they really appreciate this, my SIL especially always says thank you.

Both my daughters have given me loads of emotional and practical support during the last year whilst I have been divorcing their really awful father so I think other things count as well as finance.

I appreciate for others on a tighter budget it might not be possible to pay for everything

Tell you DD next time she is to collect her children, could she come on time please as your DH is taking you out for a slap up meal because he knows that you are a fantastic gran and deserve a treat. That should make her think a bit.

I think Ana makes a good point. Our parents never suggested they should be recompensed for the cost of looking after the children but we knew they could afford it. It was only in the holidays and the occasional emergency, anyway. Ditto with us and the DGS. If things were different, we might feel differently. If we go on holiday together, we share the expenses. It's tricky if you feel you're being used as unpaid childcare and some posters seem to be in that position.

DD always says thank you when she picks the boys up. If we are out she will buy coffee or a snack lunch. I would really appreciate or now and then.
I guess the problem is I'm feeling a bit taken for granted if the truth be told. She often arrives 1hr or so after her expected time. With a valid excuse it has to be said.
Yes we are comfortable financially but it would be nice, for her not to take it for granted that we are happy to pay for doing her a favour.

Hilda she has very recently become a single parent. I bought her a car after the breakup as he took hers. She couldn't get to work otherwise.

I think it all comes down to a person's financial situation. If buying food is putting pressure on their own budget, I think it's reasonable to say this. I'm not keen on "hints". I think it's much better to be straight forward and just say that you're sorry to bring the subject up but you're finding it a bit difficult to manage within your limited budget.

It's all very well for people who are comfortably off to pay for everything - it's not so easy, however much a grandparent would like to, to do so when finances are stretched.

No-one ever asks us to do a survey! Must be atypical.

Now my grandsons are teenagers with appetites to match I get a huge amount of pleasure in having a family to feed again. DD works long hours so I always have snacks and home-made cake available for those 'starving' moments.

I can't imagine ever asking for money. My reward is being a big part of their lives and hearing things like, 'Granny, your cakes are the BEST'

It would not occur to me to ask for recompense for the food, spare clothes, toys and books we keep here for our 3 DGC, nor for the petrol needed for collecting them from school. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to see them scoffing the food I have made for them, particularly when it involves our home grown fruit and veg.

One thing that is annoying is when I complete surveys which do not allow you to state that although no children actually live with us, there is scarcely a day when we do not feed one, two or all three of them. The pollsters must think that DH and I have enormous appetites

It's not about politeness I feel - it is just family give and take. I often have food at the DDs' houses; indeed I help myself there as they do here. It simply is not a problem at all.

My DD bought me a delicious salmon meal the other day as a treat.

We don't keep count of who gives the most; we just share and share quite happily.

But I wouldn't actually call it that. Between kith and kin there would usually be an understanding of each party's circumstances and their ability to absorb (or not) extra expense.

The 'politeness factor' sounds rather...distant to me. But that's just a personal opinion, of course.

Ana there should always be the politeness factor, it is the other side of the "being taken for granted" coin.

We have our two gc for a week every school holiday and the occasional weekend for which we don't take any money. Also, if we take them to the cinema or other treat we don't expect to get paid. We also take them on a caravan holiday every year and my dd and sil do contribute to that. We are comfortably off, so it's not a problem. They do take us out for a meal occasionally. If money is a problem for you or you are feeling resentful then speak to your dd.

The politeness factor wouldn't usually be expected between mother and daughter, though - surely your DD knows your circumstances, nina?

Same here, rosequartz. I'd never dream of asking for any sort of payment, or provision of meals, as DD is on an extremely tight budget and works full-time in a demanding job.

If you are seriously out of pocket, nina, speak up, but perhaps you could raise the subject with your DD rather more subtlely than asking directly for meals to be provided.

Yes, you are right, but it has never occurred to me until now

Actually, on a couple of points I must disagree.

Whether one is seriously out of pocket/on a tight budget etc, there is the politeness factor, i.e. offering to pay something towards expenses.

Never thought of asking for payment; in fact, the only things they eat that we would not normally buy are the little fromage frais and little yeo yogurts. I have some little yeo yogurts in the fridge that will go out of date before they come again so I have been eating them, and very nice they are too! But they are only here for 1 or 2 days a week, sometimes we give them dinner as well as lunch and breakfast, sometimes they go home for dinner.

They are 2 and 5 and eat what we eat anyway.

We take them out as well (petrol, entry fees etc)

It depends if you are seriously out of pocket and on a tight budget.