Haven't been on here for a while...

So sorry to hear what's happened, nannynoo. Take your time to recover before you decide what to do next.
Hope you have a good night's sleep tonight.

I had no idea she was still drinking but have to come to terms with that x

I am still in shock but will deal with it and move on! xx

I am putting today aside as my 'recovery day'

Am going to process the emotions which have come up due to the shock , disappointment etc of my DD still drinking and then move on with my life!

I have a dental appt tomorrow which I will keep and will focus on MYSELF and then my GS and getting things sorted out with SS as this is getting too long term now

I am watching my puppy play and he is SO happy to be home! Playing so sweetly with his toys and so content to be here and he was running around the garden with excitement lol

I know how he feels though and am thinking re visiting my DD or staying over ''I won't be doing that again in a hurry!'' LOL

It went from calm to chaos pretty QUICKLY and was so happy to get myself and my puppy home , it is such a healing place and I can fully be myself here , and relax and enjoy the CALM and peace which I LOVE and children and animals NEED too!! xx

It means she's definitely not well if she is distressing a puppy!!

Mind you she distresses adults too! lol xx

I am SO grateful for my peaceful haven called HOME

This has made me appreciate it even more

It is so lovely to have this SAFE , warm , cozy , peaceful , lovely place to relax and destress / recover in and then ENJOY

Am working on the garden soon and very much looking forward to that , my puppy LOVES it here as he feels safe and secure here too - He was a little bit traumatised by today as drunken behaviour is not good for a young , nervous pup in a new place , it is not good for ANYONE to be honest LEAST ALL A CHILD!!!

Which is why I KNOW this is the best place for my GS with calm , routine , gentleness , love , security , laughter , relaxation and NORMALITY , even my puppy is thriving here and I can TELL he is HAPPY here , he gets the care he needs and is just so at peace , it was hard to see him a bit tense as animals pick up on EVERYTHING and he is upset when I am upset too so the quicker I am back to normal we can just carry on with everything in order and our lovely home routine etc which I / we ENJOY!! x

It is sad because she was looking forward to meeting him for the first time and ended up distressing him!

Thank you

I can't do it any more re my DD!!!

It is not fair on ME and I do not want to be on this roller coaster any more I honestly don't

I actually can't do it AND concentrate on myself and therefore concentrate on my GS too

It is so unfair I have the emotional fall out now and I have to recover emotionally now for a couple of days till back to normal!

I was in her living room crying with disappointment and she was in bed sleeping off the alcohol , it is a terrible thing , addiction , an awful thing and it really can drag you down and then you have to dig yourself out of the mire which is actually someone elses mire but I am affected by it which I don't actually want to be any more , not to this point anyway!!

My poor puppy didn't have a good time on day 2 either as he picked up on her mood or mode and he is used to calm and peace bless him - We were BOTH SO GLAD to be home!! lol

She has no idea what she has and still is putting me through and the rest of the family too but I am the closest one to her and my GS so it affects me the most but I HAVE to DEAL with it as I want and need to be well myself so I can care for my GS well , am hoping and looking forward to that day now as then I can just concentrate on him and keep her at arms length till she is well and TRULY well xx

I totally agree with your last paragraph. I had a younger sister afflicted with alcoholism and sadly she lost the battle. The damage caused to all involved was horrendous.

In my opinion the worst thing that could happen would be for your DD to have her son back now or in the near future. She needs to be truly well before that happens. Alcoholics live in a completely different reality and see no harm in what they are doing to either themselves or others - that is the hard fact and it takes guts and steel to accept that about a loved one and move on as you are doing.

If and when she recovers fully then the doors can be opened again. With the amount of compassion and love that you have in you I feel sure that is possible.

Keep strong.

Thank you so much to both of you

Love and pain seem to go together , it is all motivated by love , but that also means there is real pain too

I love my family , all of them , but I need to detach again from my DD knowing what I now know

Yes she could have been on the recovery path and this was just a blip but I cannot take that chance as there is so much deception involved with alcoholism , covering up , pretending , you end up not knowing what is real and questioning your own perception - I NEED to seperate myself again and focus on just ME and my GS now again

I need to deal with the shock of this new revalation and all the feelings which go with it ... I will be fine after a couple of days but it is a lot to process all at once , mainly the disappointment but also the real ANGER and hurt , she is not only still hurting herself but the whole family along with it

I need to have a cry as well , can feel it inside and will feel better once I get it all out and see things clearly again as once again it felt like I was in hell again but my DD's hell , not mine

It's not 'the problem which is alcoholism' it is 'the hell which is alcoholism' as nothing is clear , it is like being in a thick fog , not rational or clear headed and I cannot get involved with or be affected by my DD's ongoing alcoholism again as it is longer term than I thought , more of a problem than I thought and is going to take a much longer time than I would like for this family to be 'reunited' ie through my DD getting her son back DIRECTLY which is what they have been talking about but I feel this changes everything and the time element of it all HAS to be taken into account now , no more dilly dallying about the future care of my GS , it is NOT happening ie my DD's recovery is not happening at any sort of rate which would warrant her getting him back in the near future so other options HAVE TO BE looked into now

I can do it! xx

Hi Nannynoo - am new to all this but have just spent probably an hour or so reading through all the posts you and others have put on here and feel I must tell you how much I admire you for your honesty, persistence, patience, tolerance, stubbornness, common sense. fairness and above all your capacity to love against all the odds and to continue to keep battling on in this highly emotive situation that you are in. You are amazing! I wish the SS could read all you have written here - and the responses you have received - the vast majority of which have been, to my mind, compassionate and full of good caring advice. You have bared yourself heart and soul to virtual strangers and I am so glad that you have been able to safely have "rants" which I know will have been so helpful to you. Please please do not give up but continue to keep calm and rational and fight for your DGS.
What is shining through, having started at the beginning and read to the end, is that there is definitely some real hope beginning to emerge - at least it seems so to me.
I too have had a devastatingly difficult couple of years or so with family matters and my self-esteem has taken a severe battering. Your doggedness in battling through and putting good things in place at the same time as dealing with all the emotional pain (and I know it is real pain) you are feeling in your fight to give your DGS a loving home with his Nan is awe inspiring. I will take a leaf out of your book and get out there myself and find something useful to do with my life once again.
Thank you for being inspirational and you have my backing 100% - In a fair world he would be returned to you right now - no more messing about. But, you and I both know this is not always a fair world and you probably have a good deal more battling to do. GO NANNYNOO - YOU CAN DO IT.
I hope I haven't come over all patronising or gooey - have just felt really affected by the situation you are in.

Good luck.....

Oh nannynoo I'm so sorry to read this.

I think you really must inform the social workers. Not only is it the right thing to do but it will demonstrate your commitment to your grandson and your ability to prioritise his needs over those of your DD. Your DGS needs to have his situation stabilised and I do hope that will mean him being placed with you. I'm all for giving parents a chance but as you say, 9 months is more than enough and your DGS can't be expected to have his life kept on hold while your DD makes up her mind whether she is serious about giving up drinking or not. She really needs a wake up call, but in fact I think the time has come when it's not about her any more.

Good luck, keeping my fingers crossed for you.

It is another rant time , but I need to and it HELPS!

DD is STILL DRINKING!!!

I am FUMING

I really got sucked in and BELIEVED she had stopped , there was no evidence to the contrary , in fact it seemed like she was almost back to normal!

But she must have been pulling a fast one all along , well since January anyway

She is in daily rehab , says it is going well , says she has stopped drinking , attends AA and other meetings etc and seemed so much better BUT for the first time in 9 months I decided to visit her and stay over like I used to

Day 1 was fine , not perfect as our relationship still has some healing to do but it was better than it had been for a LONG time .... Day 2 she decided to visit a friend in the evening , came back 2 hours later DRUNK

So is still drink driving and putting the PUBLIC at risk

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH , IT'S ABOUT ME AND MY GRANDSON NOW , SS are ''giving her a chance'' but to BLOW that chance ALREADY and to have NOT stopped drinking in the 9 months he has been in care even though she SAID she had stopped drinking in order to get her son back etc etc etc

I feel CONNED and STUPID for believing her , but like I said I had nothing to prove otherwise and her friends and family members have said she HAS stopped drinking but maybe that only means in front of THEM and I have a feeling some of them have come to the point of having enough of her as she does not seem to be in contact with all of them anymore like she was before , a lot

I am going to tell SS and ask them to look urgently into me having him now as if she has not even stopped drinking as yet then when will this ''recovery'' even BEGIN?????????

9 months is LONG ENOUGH for my GS to be separated from the rest of his family and enough is enough now , how 'long' of a chance will they give her while he is being DELAYED from being with his family because they want to give her a chance first?

IT IS ABOUT ME AND HIM NOW!!!

It was looking HOPEFUL that she was going to get him back in the nearish future but seems that she is pulling a fast one with EVERYONE and even though she has been really good with my GS on the contact visits recently it throws it all down the pan the fact that she is still drinking

WHAT or WHO is she putting FIRST ....DRINK OR HER SON?

I AM SOOOOOOOOO ** ANGRY!!!!!!!!!

They said if she fails her parenting assessment they will look into me having him but surely picking up a drink on week 2 of her assessment is failing as it is!!!!!!! She is certainly failing her SON!!!!!!

Hadenough.com

You and your DD are making great progress. I'm sure you are giving her encouragement to help her get back to being the person she was.
Well done for starting the Makaton. Hope you have a lovely visit on Saturday.

I so admire you Nannynoo, you're doing everything possible and I do hope it all works out well.
x

Been on a Makaton ( sign language ) workshop today!

It was so helpful and helped me understand non verbal 'language' and alternative communication

My GS does it at school and has made signs to me which I did not know what it was , but I do now

Was so nice to meet other parent / carers with children with special needs and it was so enjoyable and I met some of their children afterwards as there was a creche and they were adorable!! ... I was smiling at kids in the shopping centre afterwards and they were smiling and waving back , just love children and the joy they bring and I made a baby on the bus home laugh and laugh

Have a double visit ( 4 hours ) with my GS on Saturday and we are going to do some baking again and I can do some Makaton signing with him in a natural way but I think he will be glad Nanny knows the signs he does at school!

I was thinking of becoming a childminder before all this happened and to specialise in working with children with special needs which I love and they seem to respond well to me

As for the 'situation' SS are saying if they place him with me and I don't pass the foster panel then he will have to be removed and they don't want that but nor do I as it would completely mess him up emotionally but I do not see why I would not pass the foster panel to be honest but they said they are giving my DD a chance first so he can go straight from his current placement to home , so we will see , she seems to be doing better and is sober and abstaining and in inpatient rehab

I'm just doing my bit as always to keep well , be patient , be persistent and consistent and get on with my own life and well being etc as well as concentrating on my GS too eg activities I can do with him to help alongside his education as he is getting very good with numbers and letters / phonics now! Just want him to thrive and my puppy is thriving and very happy and content , we have our routine and boundaries in place and gentle , patient training on a daily basis is keeping me busy and focused

Thanks everyone , one thing it takes is TIME , you can't rush these things and it's not good to

I like the progress I have made but am not going to rush things either , it is nice where things are at ie am socialising more now so will gradually up the things I enjoy without overdoing it or taking on too much as a balance is good and am not Superwoman , can only do what I can do

You are right FarNorth I think they do say it to reassure me and am pleased with how she takes care of my GS and am grateful for it as a year ago we were a family in crisis and now we are a family on the mend and what we all needed was time so I am glad they have been able to give that to us and I have no worries about how he is being cared for which is a relief

I just feel at the right time it would be more than lovely for all of us as a family to have him here and I know he would prefer that to

I tried to take on too much by looking after my GS and my DD and therefore was not looking after myself and I needed time to grieve and heal and come to terms with what was happening re the impact of my DD's alcoholism on me and my GS and the rest of the family too

I believe there is a right time for everything - I do however sometimes worry that he will be returned to my DD too soon but will have to cross that bridge if we come to it

I am always here for my GS and always will be and I look forward to watch him grow up and be part of that , it just feels like I have missed 8 months of his life already and you cannot get that time back and nor can he but if or when we are reunited we can heal from that too and go back to normal or like I said even better than normal as I am sure SS want this to be a 'success' story too and by that I mean the child is returned to the family which is the untimate goal if possible and I feel it is possible as there are many loving , caring and capable members here for him who will do their best to ensure he thrives , the hard bit is being a ''family on trial'' and you do feel you have to be perfect or outstanding but there is no harm there if my DD is well and not drinking and there is no harm in the rest of the family , there are just those he feels closer to than others but that is natural

I just don't want to be set up to fail as in I know I can take good care of him but if their mind is made up already with no room for change at all then we are in trouble but if they look at the current situation and where I am at then there is hope as my DD's recovery will take longer than mine

She is not in a good place as yet and the things I have had to recover from are different from recovering from alcoholism and everything around it and I think I am doing very well so will continue on the road I am on as it has indeed been the worst year of my entire life and there is no quick fix or magic wand just moving forward slowly and being good to myself to be honest , that is what I feel I have to do now!

It has been quite a journey so far lol

I wonder if the staff members just hope to reassure you that your DGS is being well looked after, when they speak about the foster carer?

You're right - you and your DD have had a lot to cope with and can only take things slowly.

Hugs to you.

I of course cannot help hoping my DD fully recovers one day and we can put all this behind us , it can and does happen!

There are many people I know and have heard off who went off the rails after a bereavement of someone close to them , but in time they heal and things go back to normal or even better than normal without the alcohol or drugs in their life at all!!!!

It does take time though and in the meantime I am more than happy and willing and able to care for my GS and that is the truth and the facts!

nannynoo big hug. Give yourself a break.

A lot of different staff members including the manager keep telling me how good the foster carer is with my Grandson etc and I am not disputing that it is just hard and it hurts to be practically told that someone else is better at looking after your Grandson than you are and I actually do NOT feel that is the case , not saying she is not good , but not saying I am not good either with the added bonus of the fact that I love him

Will do all the things she does with him and more , always used to , always will and even more so now everything has been spotlighted and highlighted which has been a good thing as I always used to think about him before but I think about him even MORE now eg what I can do to help him in his education , what I can do to get him through his older years and ensure he reaches his full potential , what facilities there are in my area , my new doctor specialises in Autism which is good , there are so many things I have been looking into and finding out including healthy recipes and some fun yet healthy things we can cook together as he has his adult teeth coming through now so low or no sugar is the way to go!

So I am thinking about myself AND him , not JUST myself as I love my life but love him too and there is a part of my life missing at the moment , a missing piece and am sure it is the same for him too and of course he misses his Mummy as well as despite her alcoholism she is still his Mum and was a good one when the drink was not involved and I used to be so proud of her

I believe my Grandparenting of my GS is very good

There is 'good' parenting' 'good enough' parenting and 'risky' parenting and I feel I fall into at least the 'good' catagory , maybe I need to ASK again at some point what AREAS they feel I am 'not good enough' in so I can work on it if neccessary but I do meet my GS's needs very well and understand him and his needs completely

I need to see clearly what they are saying regarding any risks with me as I believe there are NONE unless they do want a perfect person which I am not but am 'more than good enough' as a carer for him or any child to be honest!!!

I have been paid by SS to look after children in the past and now I cannot even look after my own GS for free! lol

I have done childminding for 10 hours a day but it seems because my DD is an alcoholic I am not allowed to look after my own GS for 16 hours a day which approx 10 hours of would be sleeping

It is hard being told I can only see him for 2 hours a week when I used to have him for weekends and school holidays etc during which he was absolutely FINE with me and happy and secure so what has changed???

3 bereavements , yes , and my DD hitting the bottle but my CAPABILITIES have not changed and if anything have got better as I see what they 'are looking for' but proving that 'I have it' is very hard and to KNOW that you can do something and do it well to be told that you can't or are doubted , well it's hard too is all I can say! x

Struggling with my best not being good enough

Struggling with nomatter what I do it's not good enough?

Struggling with if no one believes in me how can I believe in myself? Even though I DO and I am not the only one who does but it is just FRUSTRATING and it is hard when others do not see a true picture of you

I just like to think we are all human beings , foster carers are human beings whether paid ones or family members so why is one 'better' than the other???

I thought love and care would be taken into account but I understand it isn't and I know safety is the priority but my GS is always safe in my care and always would be

I just have to keep concentrating on myself and hope it is all recognised one day!

With being 'scrutinised' you can often start doubting yourself and it is hard to keep believing in the abilities you KNOW you have and yet no one seems to see!!!

My GS trusts me implicitly and I have never shouted at him nor at my pup , no need to be rough with them , just keep the boundaries in place and stick to them , no need to shout , just literally keep calm and carry on doing what you are doing with consistency and calmness , it is no big deal to be honest lol basic ground rules and enjoy everything in between!!!

My puppy even seems VERY happy ... he knows the rules , am consistent with them so he knows where he stands and what he is not going to get away with and even seems quite secure in that to be honest as they DO , it is not harsh and it is not pushover either , yes I am a big fan of affection but so are children and dogs so am going to keep carrying on like I am as it seems to be working as in everyone is secure and happy in it , it being my care which yes I only get to do for my GS once a week but the security , love and care is very much there even for 2 short hours xx

I don't think my GS or my pup have any complaints and I have to remember that and they love being around me as much as I love being around them! x

Thank you guys , it is not easy being the 'complainer' as it can make things a bit 'awkward' but I think things will settle down in a week or two

Had a nice visit today and we made cakes

I have to keep remembering I don't have to be PERFECT to be a very good carer for my Grandson - I sometimes think I have to be perfect which is an unachievable and frustrating goal ... Same with being a dog owner and wanting to 'get it right' you get all sorts of info out there about training puppies and what you should or should not do but each family is different and have different rules , boundaries and priorities

I have my house rules but then within that I am not training anyone for Crufts or to be a Police dog , just a family dog who we can and do all enjoy

Some people will say I am too soft , others would say I am too hard for never feeding human scraps or allowing him on the settee all the time , with ( dog ) food many would say the quality isn't good enout but I feed what I can afford which is actually very decent food indeed but just not the 'best'

I am going for the 'healthy balance' approach , no extremes , both child and dog free to relax and enjoy the home enviroment and each other and yet of course not totally out of control

I feel I am a very good carer , dog owner and Grandmother and I have to REMEMBER that sometimes when the self doubt creeps in or I expect myself to achieve perfection somehow which is NEVER going to happen but 'good' or even 'very good' is good enough for me! xx

Am sure it is more than good enough for my GS as well! x

Great update nannynoo, thanks for keeping us in the loop.

I do hope things go well for you and your grandson and hope your daughter is able to get on top of her drink problem. Not an easy task and tough for their loved ones as well.