I need your prayers!!!

I think she thinks no one could possibly care for him as well as she does including his family lol

She 'assumes' because he is in foster care the family obviously have 'problems' and can't care for him or he wouldn't be where he is , yes but if it wasn't for my burnout / exhaustion after looking after my alcoholic DD for 5 months plus the grief of the bereavements / losing my baby Granddaughter etc he would have been with me from day one

People do need time to recover sometimes , not from alcoholism in my case but from exhaustion and grief etc and I have done very well in recovering from the grief and exhaustion etc and even the SW said I have been ''ready for a long time'' but they wanted to give my DD a chance first!!!

We ( me and the foster carer ) haven't really talked about my Grandmother / GS bond or our relationship etc and she has no idea of the actual situation with me and my wellbeing , self care and ability to care for my GS all she knows is my DD is an alcoholic but that has nothing to do with the REST of the family who are on board now as a TEAM

The rest of the family had to recover from losing their brother and Mum in the space of 8 days! And my other DD had to recover from losing her baby!!

Thankfully we are all on track now and more than ready for my GS to be returned to the family! x

She is DEFINITELY not preparing him for his return home / to me / his family as it feels like almost the opposite of that and she wants to keep him!

Thank you Nightowl for your support and clarity

And here was me feeling guilty for feeling jealous of the time she is having with my GS and thinking I was being too negative when it was a reality

I feel she is a bit insecure eg for her to be UPSET if my GS gave me a kiss is actually a bit odd when I come to think about it and if he ran over and gave me a hug she would ask for a hug too!!!

I think she wants to portray / show SS that she is such a good foster carer and my GS is so happy and settled there he has literally forgotten about us

All she said is ''But he knows who you are'' after saying he never mentions us or talks about us , well she certainly doesn't talk about us to him either it seems! ( And of COURSE he knows who we are like we should be grateful for that small fact! LOL )

The above comments were made in a review meeting with SS and the letting us know the details of what they are doing together etc is usually before or after the contact visits

It is hard as she seems to have no inkling of a clue how hard this is for me ( and my DD ) to watch her walk away with my GS but one day he will have to walk away from her for good and only then will she have a SMALL inkling of the pain we / I felt!!!!!!

I have a feeling she would adopt him if she could!!

Anyway , one more assessment for me which they want done by around June ( they said they want to do it internally not externally but it still takes time? ) and then the court date as it is an SGO they are going for and are paying for my solicitor

Then to hopefully place him with me in July so he can settle in over the school holidays ready to start his new school in September

I think they want the case closed and for my DD to possibly go to court if / when she is fully recovered and clean for at least a year or so

That is my understanding of the situation but the SW said things ARE moving forward and that she will be in touch

nannynoo is the foster carer present during your contact? When is she telling you all these things about what they have been doing? I'm afraid she is not behaving in a very appropriate way, and as you say she should be sensitive to your feelings. As for saying your DGS never mentions you or your daughter, not only is she being very cruel to tell you this but she seems to be missing the point that it is her job to talk with him about you both, to keep memories of home and family alive, and to help him to start to understand that he is likely to be returning to his family.

I am quite annoyed on your behalf at the things she is saying. I quite understand that you don't want to rock the boat, but I would just say to you, take everything she says with a very large pinch of salt and hold on to the idea that your grandson is coming back to you, and all will be well. I hope you have been given some timescale for this plan as I really don't understand why it all seems to be taking so long.

I too have only just caught up with this thread and am thrilled that things are finally going well for you and your DGS!!

Thank you for your lovely truthful words

Sometimes I feel I have to ''let the bad stuff out to let the good stuff in'' if that makes any sense and it does help me to pour out my pain on here , not wanting to make anyone feel uncomfortable or 'too much'

It's just with great pain comes great joy it seems and a huge part of healing is letting out and dealing with the pain

Also getting support from the right places , that is not always easy either but not impossible thankfully as many people have had to deal with addictions etc in the family and they find their way through it with the right support and encouragement as am not only dealing with the separation I am also dealing with and will continue to have to deal with my alcoholic DD and everything which comes with that , so it is not easy , but possible thankfully!!! xx

Am getting there!! lol x

I just caught up on your news, Nannynoo, and it's fantastic to hear that your DGS will soon be living with you.
I don't think you should worry that he seems not to mention you to the carer. You say he mentioned 'Nanny's porridge' and 'Nanny's cereal'. I think that shows he is remembering good times with you.
As a previous poster said, he has been 'keeping himself safe' while in a different situation and I am sure he will be thrilled to be with you again.
Don't be too concerned about the carer, Nannynoo, and look after yourself.

Am I JEALOUS??? .... Hell yes!!! lol

Yet I reckon that is perfectly normal under the circumstances!!! x

2 hours in a contact centre is NOT enough to maintain the bond we had

Ahhhh thank you all so much

It has and still is an EMOTIONAL journey , it is so hard because a range of emotions come up which I have to deal with , today it is the hurt of being told ''we are going to see Shaun the Sheep'' ''we went to a restaurant with all my friends and they all loved him'' ''we are going dog racing today'' ''we are going to visit my sister and stay over for the weekend'' ''we are going on holiday to Cornwall this summer'' etc

Not that I don't want to know how he is doing , it just hurts because I WANT TO TAKE HIM TO SEE SHAUN THE SHEEP etc , it may seem silly but it hurts when I hear these things and to be honest I will give my DD a general run down of how he is doing but I actually don't want to say ''we did this , then we did that and he loved it etc'' and we had such a lovely time etc as it may hurt her as she wants to do those things with her son but can't and I know how that hurts , maybe I'll say basic stuff and not go into detail / elaborate or even unintentionally rub it in as I am sensitive to hurting other people and imagining how they must feel

I know its NOT ''I'm alright Jack I have all my Grandchildren with me and YOURS as well and we are all having such a lovely time together'' but NO ONE knows what it is like to be separated from their Grandchild unless they experience it I suppose but surely they can IMAGINE what it would be like and therefore be SENSITIVE to the persons feelings?

Sorry but when it hurts , it hurts , would I rather know how he is doing in general and not know the details? Yes to be honest , maybe it's selfish and yes I am GLAD he went to see Shaun the Sheep but of course I wanted to take him but COULDN'T and even little things like that are hard

Basically it is hard watching and hearing about what someone else is doing with your Grandson when you would LOVE more than anything to be doing those things with him yourself

Am glad this pain will ease and heal and I can do those things I have been LONGING to do with him , simple things like going to the park and buying him an ice cream ( yes I won't spoil him TOO much ) but just the simple LITTLE things mean so much xx

It will probably be a year of separation and that is a year of his precious life I have missed x

nannmoo - he is your grandson and therefore your family - his roots are with you. He is a little boy who has had a variety of experiences and his autism might well be to his advantage under the circumstances. His needs are basic - to be loved, fed, nurtured and to feel he belongs. You, and your family, can give these to him. He has had a "holiday" with some lovely people and now he is coming home - to his family. I'm not certain but I feel pretty strongly that that is how he will view it. He's only a little boy - time is so different at that age - remember how all summers were warm and long when you were little? He is totally unaware of the conflict - he's just been keeping himself safe whilst waiting for the grown ups to sort it out. You will all be fine - all is well - have patience. Don't overdo the spoiling!!! [smile)]

nannymoo I'm sure you're worrying unnecessarily although it's fully understandable, think positive!
You've managed to achieve what, at one time, seemed impossible so here's to a lovely future for you and your DGS.
You're bound to be anxious but he's a very lucky little chap to have a settled future with you.
and best wishes x

I think the young feller might have had quite a nice time with the foster family. And now he will be very happy to live at Nanny's house. (Where he will quite obviously get spoiled rotten)

nannynoo surely some of this behaviour is due to his autism .As you well know, autistic children do not always respond in a conventional way but this does not necessarily mean the bond is broken. When you get him back and play with him, love him and above all value him as I know you will, the bond will be there. My 7 year old autistic grandson said to DH the other day :"Grandad when you go up to heaven I am going to grab hold of your legs and come with you" How much of a bond is that !

It must be a very confusing time for this little boy. I hope that the eventual outcome will give hm some peace and security.

I don't suppose the bond between you has really altered at all. It's a gene pool thing. The foster carer hadn't got that. He shares loads of his genes with you through his mum,

Don't make yourself tired with all the preparations. The best preparation you can do is to be rested yourself.

My hope is that my GS will bond with me again pretty quickly and love being at Nannys house and feel secure here

I want that detachment to end and to reattach again , it sometimes used to feel like I was 'losing' him and still does but I have to remember all will be well

I really do believe it will be , it is just a hard journey but a worthwhile one as like I said I am not giving up on him and don't feel I am meant to anyway which is good

I think I need some assurance that we WILL reattach / bond again and even if it takes time that it will indeed happen

I am going to concentrate on the 'prep' work as I have a lot of prepping to do but it is LOVELY it is at PREPARATION stage and will do everything I can to prepare for us being reunited and for that to go as smoothly as possible for him and will work with the foster carer to ensure as smooth a transition as possible x

It is difficult because of the separation the 'bond' seems to be affected

Obviously my GS saw me all the time before , often , regularly and he regularly stayed over at my house and loved it

It is catch 22 as am so GLAD he has settled in his foster place and has naturally become fond of his foster carer and he is such a loving boy but it's hard not to feel ''pushed out'' as I have been pushed out of his life to a large degree as 2 hours a week is not much to say the least

Even though I did not like the fact that the foster carer seemed glad that my GS never mentions us or talks about us things like that do HURT because we were SO bonded and I would like to think that bond is still well and truly there and always will be , it just needs to be rebuilt

I had built up such a good relationship with my GS over the past 7 years and 2 hours a week is not enough to 'maintain' it , so it is natural he has bonded with the foster carer and vice versa and therefore detached from me , it is better for him not to be screaming down the place holding on to the door frame like he was before and I don't want that for him but it shows the attachment WAS strong and yet now he doesn't even look back and has accepted that Saturday is his 2 hours with Nanny day and that's it

It is how it is and I have to accept it too at present but it has been a painful 9 months and still is and that pain will only really go away when he is here with me and settles in well here

I have to see where he currently is as his temporary home but to me home is with family and is where he belongs as long as he is safe and well cared for there of course!

Thistledo I feel for you , it is not a good situation to be concerned about your DGD , I myself do NOT ever want to be in the position of walking away from my GS if I have ANY concerns about where I am leaving him and who with and with alcohol there are real concerns which is why social services were / are involved , they have to protect children but so do we which is why I worked with them however painful it was for me

This should hopefully mean my DD will knock her drinking on the head for good as it can get worse , not better without help

nanynoo my heart goes out to you and your family! what a truly difficult time for you. I have tremendous empathy regarding you DD being an alcoholic. We have a similar situation with DD, and our relationship is stormy and worrisome as she also has a child, now seven. Our problems have been going on for a number of years and all we seem to be able to do is safeguard our DGD.
I am not a religious person so cannot promise to pray, but I wish you all the best in your quest to be able to care for your DGS. I will be watching this thread closely to find out how things are going for you.

There was a point in all this that I KNEW I COULD have just given up and walked away and left it to the authorities ( with a high possibility of him being adopted ) but I COULDN'T do it and it did not feel like it was destined if that makes any sense , it felt right to go through WHATEVER IT TOOK ( and boy was it hard!!! ) and that what I was going through was for a REASON ie for my GS's and ultimately my own and the familys happiness and contentment and peace after all the pain and misery and disruption etc

An amazing and hard journey but SOOOOO worth it and thank you SO much for allowing me to share myself and my situation on here it has helped SO much so you guys deserve a huge THANK YOU too for being so supportive and understanding and caring you really helped and still do of course so you have aided this journey too and can share the joy in the happy ending too!!!

Flowers for YOU x

Nightowl is sooooo right. l would highly recommend that you take her advice. Concern for the foster mum is such an indication of the caring person that you are - your Gs will also miss her and her family when he does come to live with you full time - and you will have to cope with this -the gradual placement of him into your family again should go a long way to resolving all the issues. Don't worry - all will be well.

I do feel for her because it is her first placement and she takes A LOT of pride in her job to the point of boasting quite a lot which I ignore , she does lap up compliments and am sure what she does isn't EASY as it is full on 24 hours a day , not a 9-5 job and I do truly appreciate what she has done and will GENUINELY thank her , not with fake compliments etc but a real thank you , what would we have really done without her? And where would my GS be???

Will definitely not complain about her , she takes great pride in what she does and I will not take that from her but returning the child to their families is part of the job , however hard it must be , you also have to remember how hard it was for the FAMILY to hand over their precious child to the authorities and who knows what problems they had / have or what happens in life which means they need ongoing support for a while? We can't judge the families either or tar them all with the same brush as they were probably doing the best they could under the 'circumstances' but the circumstances needed addressing yet I do OFTEN get a hint of ''I can do this much better than you'' but I ignore that too LOL

Am going to be reasonable in this and know that what is absolute best for little man is what counts , after all!

I am not some sort of heroine to the rescue in this who pats myself on the back I am simply a Grandmother who loves her Grandson

I truly believe he will be HAPPY here , and SECURE along with relaxed , content , at peace etc and will ENJOY being with Nanny , he always DID to the max and nothing has changed bond wise

He said ''Nanny's porridge'' 2 weeks ago and ''Nanny's cereal'' last week lol he must remember having breakfast with me and I am sure he will be so happy to eat ''Nanny's porridge'' here , there is nothing like Nanny's porridge after all

I picture MUCH laughter and joy , he has been through enough being separated from his family and not even understanding WHY , he just accepts it because he HAS to and has no choice right now but first choice ( unfeasable at present ) would be to be at home with Mummy and second choice would be to be here with me ( fully feasable ) and I have no doubt whatsoever that it is what is best for him , completely

I totally agree about the best interests of the child. I hope this works out well for him.

Oh dear nannynoo what a shame the foster carer is behaving like this. However attached she and her family may have become to your DGS I'm afraid they must realise that letting go is all part and parcel of fostering, although they are likely to struggle with this if it's their first ever placement.

It sounds as if the foster carer needs more support. She will have her own Social Worker, separate from your DGS's SW. I suggest that you have a word with your DGS's SW, and say that you think the foster carer is struggling, and could the SW speak to the foster carer's SW about this. If you phrase it as a concern rather than a complaint it will hopefully avoid any ill feeling and allow the issue to be addressed through the appropriate channels. Just hang on in there - you know the SW is on your side, and you are making progress. Just keep telling yourself that every day is a day nearer to your DGS coming home to you, and when he does, all of this will no longer matter