I need your prayers!!!

Have just picked up this thread Nannynoo and am feeling for you. This is such an awful situation but you come across as being very focused on how you are going to deal with it. I think you are completely right to concentrate on doing the best for your DGS rather than DD. Only she can sort herself out, and that won't happen until she fully understands this. And looking after yourself too is so important. A counsellor once made the analogy to me of the oxygen mask on a plane - put on your own before helping others, otherwise you will be of no use.

Your DD sounds a very unhappy person and hopefully she is getting the professional help she badly needs.

Has anyone else asked if you have contacted Al-anon?

((Hugs))

I hope your lovely flowers stand up to the odd football landing in the midst of them.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

You are absolutely right, Nannynoo, in saying that you need to focus on your DGS in order to do the best for him and for everyone in the family.
You are making sure that you stay strong and able to put his interests first.

Your DD may need to revisit the past, to try to sort herself out, but she should do it with a counsellor who may be able to help her to take responsibility for herself, as she should do.

I hope you are able to have your DGS to live with you soon and that, one day, your DD can return to herself and be the mother that she must want to be.

Perhaps your sister could be DD's focus and punchbag (metaphorically speaking of course) then!

I notice that your sister thinks you are being too harsh on your DD, and but social services think that you are too soft!

Personally I think I'd ignore her for the foreseeable future and focus on yourself and your DGs.
As an alcoholic she's bound to blame you for anything and everything- believe me, I have too much experience of trying to support my sister who's married to an abusive alcoholic so I can relate a little to your situation.
Luckily the authorities have now seen her in full colours so will know just how she can behave.

Yes, alcoholism is an illness but until she wholly commits to changes for the rest of her life (and my BIL won't despite detox/rehab etc) then things won't change.

Take care x

It is HEART BREAKING to arrive at your DD's house at 8pm and see your Autistic GS's breakfast on the table and your DD intoxicated KNOWING he has not had lunch or dinner

I gave him his dinner as soon as I got there bless him and I have also found him wandering around the house on his own while Mummy 'slept it off' in just his nappy ( he wasn't trained yet due to his Autism ) which was FULL to say the least and what way is that for a child to live???

I can't help my DD but I can help my GS and he needs me and my DD needs professional help

I have to also remember one of the MAIN reasons I failed the assesment at the beginning was because they thought I would be too SOFT with my DD and that she would be able to manipulate me!

I have HAD to be come strong which has not been easy but I have HAD to for my GS's sake otherwise the whole family lose him including my DD

I have had to stand my ground , take or rather ignore abuse , every time I report something to SS I get a barrage of abuse afterwards from my DD

She sent 3 abusive texts today which I have ignored , she blames me for now losing her contact sessions with her son NOT turning up drunk on not the first occasion , drinking throughout the visit , becoming disruptive , drink driving , beating up an innocent woman after damaging her car while drunk and biting a police officer but somehow that is MY fault because I TOLD SS and therefore I am a traitor , well I cannot be a traitor to my GS or let him down or let him be unprotected from distress or potential harm!!

Ignoring / dealing with the abuse I get in return goes with the territory!

It is not nice to know there may have been days when he wasn't FED because she was possibly under the influence when I wasn't there!

There HAVE to be strict safety measures in place for HIS sake and when it comes to child protection it is NOT about the Mum or how lovely she is when sober ( although they do get her help ) it is about the CHILD and protecting the child from harm or neglect!!

Protecting my GS is something no one can manipulate me on including my own DD!

Thank you , am going to destress over the next couple of days as it has been a very stressful weekend and am going to do some gardening

The thing in all this is my DD is an ADULT my GS is a CHILD , given a choice my GS comes first

My sister thinks I am being too harsh with my DD but I had to explain I am doing this FOR her as she could very well LOSE HER SON otherwise , this way , he stays in the family and when she gets well she can have him back , so yes I am doing it for my GS but am doing it for my DD as well while she recovers!!

So doing it for EVERYONE really!

This way my DD can concentrate on her recovery and I concentrate on taking care of my GS till things hopefully improve in time xx

It is a LONG journey though with no quick fixes for sure x

I really hope it works out well for the boy now. And, eventually, for you all. I am sure the social workers are doing whatever they see as the right thing for him.

Best wishes to you all. x

You are quite right in all of that.

I am very glad that she is still a lovely girl underneath.

I feel like I am in a nightmare right now but it is not my nightmare it is my DD's unfortunately and I can't rescue her or fix her , she has to do that herself

I can only concentrate on fixing myself and my own emotions and dealing with my own stuff involved with what is going on

It might seem odd I have to protect myself from my own DD but currently I DO and in the future too as the impact of her actions can have devastating consequences on the rest of the family

I have to deal with the emotions but I have to move on with my own life too and have some sort of peace and calm and contentment in it even with a storm going on outside and of course my GS needs that too!

A place of calm and contentment xx

My DD used to be and still is underneath her illness a LOVELY girl with so much potential so it is so sad and painful to watch where she is at right now

She sounded SO scared at the thought of prison and I don't blame her as of course I don't want her to go to prison! It is a real possibility though and I will have to deal with that plus the worry of is she ok in there it is a horrible situation

But then at least if well Nanny can take good care of her son in the meantime , of COURSE I hope she gets well and her son is returned to her one day for her sake , his sake and my sake as would love to just be ''visiting Grandma'' again who has him for a few days or a week or two but then gives him back lol but yes enjoy my Nanny role the way it is MEANT to be , enjoy my whole family the way it is meant to be , see my GS happy the way he is meant to be and deserves , he does not deserve this and none of us do either!!!

It is taking a lot of COURAGE to do this journey and there is always the next thing to sort out as I have to have a gentle word with the foster carer and ask her not to arrive 15 minutes early to pick up my GS as once he hears the doorbell and sees her he gets his coat and is ready to leave!

So even 10 minutes of a 2 hour visit cut short is a lot as it is our bonding time and she does have the rest of the time to bond with him , so only fair lol

It is not giving up on her at all , what I mean is whatever happens in the future I have to deal with it as it comes eg her homelessness situation , the possibility of rehab not working and her getting worse etc etc and concentrate currently on little man

It has been and still is THE most difficult journey of my life and I hate it to be honest , the alcoholism and what it puts us through , I don't hate my daughter I love her very much but have to be careful of the AFFECT all this has on MY wellbeing as living with her is NOT an option , been there , done that and ended up with burnout to the point I had nothing left to give , to my Grandson either because she and her behaviour etc drained me dry emotionally , mentally , physically as well

I am struggling with anger , pain , disappointment and stress right now as in hurting / harming herself she is harming those around her

The typical ''I want to do what I want and not listen to what you say'' scenario which we probably all do with our parents as we find our own way involves putting the public and herself at risk and in this case not just risk of being run over but other drivers at risk of being beaten up when THEY were the victim , she went into the back of the womans car because SHE was drunk driving and because the woman was angry about it she ''beat her up''

No one deserves that nor does a police officer just doing his job and being BITTEN

I do not condone her behaviour or sneaking to the toilet on her contact visits with her son for a drink , yes it shows the severity of the problem but I don't have to LIKE it

Those around her are harmed the more she continues to harm herself and the stress is an amazing amount and can impact ones health in a really negative way so I do have to protect myself to a point at least plus not literally 'worry myself sick' because then what good does that do?

It doesn't CHANGE anything , only she can do that and my aim is to be well for myself and my GS and the rest of the family , not fair others in the family get neglected because all the attention is always on the crisis situation with younger daughter , it was NICE to go to my 3 year old Granddaughters birthday party even though I was stressed from the visit when I got there

I am in the firing line of stress , the others in the family do not witness or experience it like I do and I know that is part of being a Mum but so is leading by example , if I stay well and happy it is better for EVERYONE in the end because I was no good to ANYONE with burn out! lol

I do wish you - all of you - well.

I'm sorry. That's not what you want to hear. I just don't see how you, as a mum, could possibly give up on her, and anticipate a happy life with her son.

You say, "My DD's responsibility is to sort herself out and in the meantime as long as little man is ok and I am ok along with the rest of the family whatever happens after that , happens!!"

You don't mean you are going to wash your hands of her, do you? I'm sure you don't. She is your daughter after all and you must love her dearly. We don't give up on our children just because they are grown-up, do we?

You don't think it would work to have her live with you, and you help her to get sorted out, whilst the boy stays happily with the foster family for a while? Then perhaps, in time, she could look after her child herself and you could be the granny again.

Although it does sound as if things have gone too far now.

Can I ask, if you dont mind, what your DD used to be like?

The Court wouldn't be so naive as that would they?

Onwards and upwards nannymoo, she really has to want and demonstrate commitment to sorting herself out before anything remotely like having her son returned to her.

I bet your pup's a very welcome diversion from all the c**p going on

They say sh*t happens but does there have to be SO MUCH of it!!???

But it shows she has a serious problem and it is going to take time to fix and a LONG TIME at that , so in the meantime my energy is best spent on my GS , oh , and the garden at the moment

My pup has been an absolute treasure in all this as well , he cheers me up , even with his naughtiness lol

Yup to put it bluntly sh*t has to hit fan at SOME point

I was thinking no contact would be better now while my GS gets used to me again , being around each other one on one , having PEACEFUL and enjoyable contacts and preparing him to live with me

As for my DD she said it sounds good to the courts that she has put herself in rehab and unfortunaltely anything else she says about it sounds like bullsh*t!!

She tells me exactly what I want to hear but she already told me it would sound good when she goes to court if she puts herself in rehab!

Anyway am going to work with the SW for the absolute best interest of my GS , his protection , his care , his future happiness and security as that is what matters

My DD's responsibility is to sort herself out and in the meantime as long as little man is ok and I am ok along with the rest of the family whatever happens after that , happens!!

I do hope so loopylou, for everyone's sake.