Paternal grandmother

I would feel bad if my DDs felt obliged to visit me I do a fair amount of childcare for them both but I choose to do it so I do not need nor expect to be part of their family time. I am invited to parties, school concerts etc. and DD2 has hosted Christmas a couple of times. (DD1s house not big enough!) Seeing them all 2 x week plus sometimes at weekends is plenty!

Neither of their MsIL is very pro-active. One ignores the children completely (she does not live nearby but there are no gifts or cards on birthdays) and the other local one announces when she has a free space in her diary to see the children but often is unavailable if asked! My SsiL both need chivvying to organise events and to contact their DMs but both SiL are lovely to me and v appreciative of my input.

I am beginning to think that maybe some mother/son relationships create this distancing probably totally unintentionally. Perhaps boys, whose relationship with their mother has been heavily based being 'mothered' by them think that when they move into a relationship with another woman she takes on the mothering bit too so don't see the need for real mum so much? Just wondering...I ony have DDs so don't know ...

I am sure as others have said that this is a common problem for us mothers with sons. My two eldest are girls with six children between them and we have done the majority of the baby sitting but shared for a good part with both sets of paternal grandparents.There were never really any problems as we all live very close to each other and all get on well. My son and his wife and two children also live nearby and her parents have done more of the child care than we have but we have also done a fair bit and have always been made welcome if we have popped in to see them and my DIL will often call in with the children to see us but my son only comes once in a blue moon!! But we have always had a great relationship so wouldn't say anything as I don't think he even realises that I would like to see him more often.

Sorry, I haven't had time to read all the posts so if I'm repeating what's already been said apologies.

I am paternal grandmother to 2 lovely grand daughters, lovely daughter in law, son not too bad either.

I have 2 thoughts - are you a gran on her own? If so, maybe well in my case anyway, my son would think he would have to pay for me if he invited me to spend the day with them at some event and he wouldn't be able to, i know that should make any difference and he should know that I would pay my way BUT his father is like this, if we go out for a family meal he goes off and pays for it all rather than let each of my lads pay for theirs and their partners meals, when that is what was understood by them they would do.

Secondly, he may think you wouldn't like to go along - not your thing - wasn't when he was small so maybe why should it be so now??

Finally - next time you get a message from them or photos saying they are having a great time out make sure you reply saying that you would love to be there with them, could they let you know if they are planning another trip..

Sim1983

What a very unkind post. So glad you are not representative of all dil's. You married her son do she did something right. I think some daughter in laws are jellous of Mil and do want to alienate them, this sound the case here. One day your son will grow up and perhaps you will get a taste of your own medicine.

Sorry, the original post I am afraid is often the case with mothers of sons. They seem to want you in their life and really men just don't think, they are busy with family, working, usually under stress and as long as they think you are ok that is enough. I wouldn't say anything, carry on as you are because they probably cannot see a problem.

Everyone has their own stories to tell, but sadly I have the opposite with my MIL. My husband and I both have children from other relationships and I have a very good relationship with my ex-MIL. My new one however made it very clear from day one that she was only interested in my DH's girl, and when we had a daughter she barely even acknowledged her. It took her 2 days to contact us back after her birth, and 6 weeks before she came to see her. In her first year of life I got told regularly via email, that her eldest GD was very special to her, but nothing about our DD. At first I tried, I sent photos and updates, but had that thrown back at me, being told that my angles were all wrong! After a year I gave up, I came to the decision that I can't make someone do something they don't want to. My DD is almost 4 and the last time she see her Nan she was 18mths. I don't feel guilty at all, my MIL attitude has affected her relationship with my DH, DD, my other kids and me. I look at it as her loss.

Families are complex, each different and each MiL in a different situation with their DiL. We can only try to get it right, often we won't and neither will our children and their wives. We have two sons, our DiL are fine with us as we are with them, one son and his family live about 20 minutes away. We are often called on to babysit and do so happily, we enjoy the company of our DGC and have fun when they come for a sleepover. What Feelingleftout2 describes parallels our experience. We need to visit them and of course ask first, we wouldn't just turn up. We rarely share a trip out, although maternal family are often included, difficult to hear from the children what fun they have had with her when there is rarely the opportunity with us to spend time with them as a family. Of course we do go out with the children in school holidays when we help with childcare and make the most of that. Our other son and family are an hour away. It actually feels easier not to be included in day to day activities and outings because of the increased distance. The maternal grandparents are local and so there are many more opportunities for them which pleases us as they can also offer that instant support that we can't. Overall we are in a much better situation than many. It would be lovely to be invited just because they want to see us, for them to drop in for a cuppa, to be invited out - it does happen on very rare occasions and we treasure that. I am sure it isn't malicious, they are all very busy and their social lives are important - not room for everything. I try not to be sad about it, sometimes I am. It is a human thing to want more than we have but when I stand back and think about it we have a lot and it would be a shame if wanting more spoiled our relationships. So we don't rock the boat - we sit in the corner and wait!

Sim1983 What a very unkind post.
One day your son will grow up and perhaps you will get a taste of your own medicine.

Well, that post is not very kind either Luckylegs9. I think it was the way Sim worded her first post, and reading into it more, she does sound as if she is struggling with an over-intrusive MIL who crosses over the line of what is helpful and what is interfering.
Very difficult, I know, to strike the right balance.

(and I think Sim1983's child is a daughter.)

I have posted on this subject before.

I have no daughters so am a paternal grandmother only. I have had more contact with my five grandchildren than their other grandmother(s).
My DS2 has been married twice.Neither of his now ex MILs have had much input into our mutual grandchildren's care. It was their choice. Until the breakup of DSs second marriage the two children and parents lived with me.I did the childcare after DIL went back to work, then later the school run and cared for the children in school holidays.No offer from the other grandparents who lived locally, were also retired and owned a car.
I also helped out with the three children from DS's first marriage as other grandmother is disabled.

I used to complain about the mess and overcrowding in the house, but now would give anything to have them back.The children who are now 14 and 12 live locally with their mother but their visits are few and far between possibly because they are now older.I have yet to be invited to their house although I am still on speaking terms with their mother.
I am unaware about the situation with the other grandparents, but know that the children are often alone in the house when ex DIL is at work.

I am a maternal grandmother and feel so proud of my DD as she makes sure her in laws get a fair crack of the whip. She appreciates we all love our grandchildren and it wouldn't be fair if I and DH saw more of the girls.

Thank you Nelliemaggs.

I do not think people should smoke in your home, and as for smoking when with your grandchildren obviously not. When I read Sim1983, it came over as another daughter in law not wanting MIL around. My good friend was not allowed to pick her little granddaughter up for 6 months or go round to the house unless asked, it broke her heart. She was widowed and had just one child herself. Thankfully she is now wanted for babysitting and has a good relationship with the little girl. Most moms want the best for their children and just want to be involved in their beloved grandchildren so lives. They grow up so fast and before you know it they are teenagers!

To Feelingleftout, the original post, I would just like to say I know exactly how you feel, I could write a book on the subject. However, I would say DON'T rock the boat by saying anything as it would only make matters worse. As one other poster said, take what contact you do get and savour it, as I do. A friend of mine with no grandchildren would love to have what little I have so I am grateful that. Remember also over familiarity is not always a good thing so enjoy the contact you do get and make the most of it. Good luck!

I am a paternal grandmother and I have more contact with GC than DIL's mother. From the beginning I told DIL to be honest with me, she is and we get on very well. I fill in the gaps in childcare and sometimes go on holiday with them, this year we had a holiday with DS and GC and left DIL at home, not as cruel as it sounds she got some precious time to herself.
It is never a good idea to speak about how much access you have, you could find it being taken from you, just be thankful that you see GC many don't.

That is true about access Harrigran

I was cut off from my three oldest grandchildren after my DS2's first divorce.It broke my heart.Finally got to see them again after two years when DS took ex wife to court to gain access to his children.I never want to go through that again so never complain about having too much time with grandchildren.

One of my sisters has not seen her four grandchildren for seven years now. She now has a great grandson whom she has never met.
The pain is terrible.

thank you all for your posts - I am just being a bit sensitive at the moment and probably not being very logical about everything. I always knew that I would be the 'other nan' but my grandchildren love me and I love them very much, so I am very lucky. I do feel a bit disloyal to my son talking about it, but I wanted to get it off my chest. thanks for your support.

To all granetters , I had the most wonderful relation ship with my mil. She and fil were part of my family !! We saw them more than once a week, in fact, swimming eve club once a week ! Every sunday to tea, this became a delicate issue as no time for repairs, visiting distant fam! We met for coffee and bun round local market on Friday, and sometimes in summer and good weather mil and her mum would walk to my local high St, spending a afternoon together !!
I am truly grateful to her, we never had a cross word, when my DD grew to toddler , I told her that in her house she was to be the one to correct my dd,! Rather than my saying no! And mil saying its OK !!!
I had lost my mum as a baby , had step mum, who had four of her own kids, they came first before me !! In all ways! I lived with it meekly, most of the time!.

My 3 children adored their nana!! stayed nights, in hols! This happened likewise with both my Dds, gave me that place in their lives.
But DS although asking me to meet his DDS from school ,as his nana had done, I couldn't do so because there was always a extra class or going to friends for tea, or such! So after trying many times, and trying to bond with them , as in knowing their likes /views about things, but not receiving a response ! It became so less as to the point of never! Perhaps had I been able to drive might it have been ?
However the total relationship with DS fam has all but gone !! Because accasionlly I would text my dil and suggest something for girls or for us all to share, including meals out; but there was never the right time for them, and if we did the girls would be otherwise occupied! No comumication!
It got so that to make conversation we would turn to things we did in our young days, or their dads , rather then mention wonderful day we had with DD and fam!!
Like berti10 said it feels like bereavement! But sim.... Life is not so cut and dried !! One day in a very short future, yours will be 15 yrs old ! Then the cut off from family ties start, and if they have not shared a close loving, uncontional love from gp how will they be bothered to care in older aged family ? Which will include you !
It's good to talk and listen to others!!! We remember wise words , my life is iffy now each day is appreciated and battled with! AGE IS NOT A BLESSING, !!
SO MANY OF US SUFFER IN SILENCE,?
Until we can bear it no longer, then hope for kind words !!!

So many sad situations! I will make sure I really appreciate the relationships I have with my DGCs and never complain of being too busy with them Rather this way than not see them .

Sim1983 - I've been there! We moved with my husband's job and that saved our marriage.

Everything that has been said is so understandable. Sim1983 feels cornered and defensive; the grannies fear becoming isolated. It is helpful to have both sides of the problem aired.

My mother and MIL were as bad as each other, both 'needy' in very different ways. But we all have needs, don't we? We all want to be loved and wanted, however old or young we are.

I remember feeling that I was drowning in everyone else's needs. I tried so hard to be fair to both grandmothers, but both wanted 100% and total exclusion of the other so that was never going to work. We lived too near to them, within sight of one and only a mile from the other. DH did his best but it was always my fault.

I hope that our DSs think of us as being dependable and resilient, but also that our family will reciprocate and at least keep an eye on us and care about us if/when, as time goes by, we need them to.

I have one small granddaughter and am lucky so far. I couldn't have a better daughter than DS2 (that isn't a typo - but he's all man!) and my DIL is lovely and we all get on well. I'm not concerned about who is the Alpha Granny; the relationship with the grandchild depends on many things, but a relaxed and encouraging attitude on the mother's part is vital.

Feelingleftout2: you do sound depressed! You are trying not to impose on the family, but if it has escaped their notice then I think you do need to talk about it. How old are the children? Outings and interests change as they grow up. Also, I agree that it is important that they talk to people of different age groups from themselves, particularly their own family. It will help them to understand their parents as everyone gets older - you'll be doing them all a favour!

Sim1983: there have to be ground rules, and they must be strictly adhered to by both sides. If only! Is there anyone who can mediate? An aunt, perhaps? Leave a copy of The New Granny's Survival Guide lying about.

I was married to an Asian man. My mother hated him even though he was a good son in law to her.
She preferred my siblings children to mine.
She never offered to help once during their childhood. She never came to school to watch a performance, she never babysat, she never came to my home.
When my son was 3 and went into hospital to be circumcised after his pre school check, I asked her to look after my daughter for the day and she said NO. My husband had to take the day off work so it was no biggie. It would have been helpful is all as she was not doing anything else.
When my son was 7 and had his tonsils removed she begrudgingly looked after the two younger ones overnight (another had been born by then) and they still remember how horrible she was to this day.
What a funny odd woman.
She looked after my sisters children like they were a precious thing, and we all knew, which was the embarrassing thing.
She told my Aunties that my sister's children were her best boys.
My Aunties were horrified and one of them told me. hey - I already knew anyway!

I look after my grandson regularly because I want to not because I want to make a difference. I love him probably more than I do my own children
We certainly get along better - that's until I have had as much as I can stand of Turtles or Sponge bob. There is only so much a girl can take you know

Point is... you have to stand back and try not to interfere in any way or you will surely get the blame.

In my case I feel my mother as a grandmother abused me by being so awful about my children, I am sure as hell not going to rock the family boat by saying anything.

Why not offer to have the grandchildren to stay? Just don't do it too often !