Would you want to know you had a granddaughter?

Roses I think you are wrong when you say children don't miss what they never had. I never knew my father and though my mum was fabulous and I had a stepdad who was ok, I still regret that I have never experienced the father daughter relationship and the grandparents I may have had. I think Emma should wait to see how father reacts after the birth and then decide what to do. Whatever happens keep all the details you can about baby's father and grandparents to give her a sense of identity when she is older .

seasider good point. I had a very close relationship with my GF who lived with us but no other GPs and I would have loved to have had some.

None of our GC will have the full set because they both have divorce on the other side of the family. DH does his best to make up for that.

This guy sounds like a no - hoper to me. I would worry about the suitability of him or his family to be honest. I say do not involve them at all unless you get to know them and the full situation first.....you may be letting the devil in through the back door.

What comes out of all the posts I think is that there isn't a right or wrong way to do things. Families now are as different as chalk and cheese and each works things out its own way. All I can say is I have a GC whose parents are not together, although they were when he was born. He is a joy and I can't imagine life without him. I hope you will tell the father's parents at some point. I wonder about sending out announcement cards as so many do these days, perhaps with a little note inside? Your child has a head start because you are obviously considering everything so carefully and being as understanding as you can. I wish you joy and love, both for you and your daughter.

trisher I'm not so sure about the announcement cards as it seems a bit of a harsh way to hear the news when it is the first you have heard about your son becoming a father.

Please let us not judge this man as we don't know much about him other than he never intended she become pregnant and it seems he has been through rather a lot in a previous relationship. Apart from that we don't know what might have affected how he feels and behaves. It sounds as if he is manning up at the moment so let's just wait and see.

You are probably right Nonnie I was thinking that it might be more acceptable because it would be part of telling everyone so not making a big deal of it-but I'm not sure.

I think this man's family will be of the same ilk, if you get to 40 and still worry what mummy thinks then there is no hope. It could be that he is afraid of commitment. If my son was not going to bring up his child and be with the child's mother then I would not want to know about the baby, it would be just setting yourself up for heartache.
You seem to have on/off contact with the father but it does seem one-sided.

Like spabbygirl I was in he same situation 36 years ago. I think here was some issue about family money invested in some property he part owned. Eventually, when our son was about 13 my ex did tell his mother (his father had died whilst ex was in jail!) I think I must have been a very poor judge of character! However, now my son enjoys a relationship with both his father and his paternal grandmother - I only met her at my sons wedding! And she seems a very nice lady - not someone obviously to blame for her sons failings. I have made a point of maintaining a supportive and civil relationship with my ex DiL and have found that eventually the hurt does go away and nobody gives a fig now about what happened 36 years ago. Good luck Emma, whatever you feel now will be totally eclipsed by how you'll feel when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time. ❤️

I think there are a lot of influences by the age of 40 apart from 'mummy' harrigran, maybe he has done things he is ashamed of and doesn't want to add to the list. It is so hard to know when we haven't met the people involved. I think the OP primarily wanted to know what we, as individuals, would feel and everything else is extra.

Its great that he seems to be coming round Emma! He may well have had enough of caring, but thank goodness you're not so needy, it is exhausting having a draining, needy partner or friend for that matter!
Nonnie you were right about me too, my mum was less than good though probably not as bad as Emma's & that probably was why I fought to have blood relatives in mine & my children's lives.
Good to 'meet' someone in the same situation Mumsyface, not good that we went through such a hard time but that we can talk about it with no judgement and no-one bats an eyelid about it now.
Fancy you being an archaeologist too Emma! Rob was county archaeologist for what was Avon at the time. When James was little I'd had enough of the family so didn't tell his sister, James can do that now though if he wants too. I think the good thing about it is that it does make you really compassionate and caring, you get a good emotional intelligence by dealing with these things. I'm putting it & other similar things in novels now, I love reading emotional stuff!
I wish I could do the nice heart as above but I'll have to content myself with xx's

Yes, I would want to know. But ideally from my son.

If the baby is born before he "gets round" to telling his mother I think you could do as others have said - send a photo and a VERY SHORT, positive and open note with your contact info. This puts the ball in her court. Either way, if you hear from them or you don't you have an answer. I would be sure to tell him you are about to do it though.

If I were you, I wouldn't want financial support from someone who explicitly didn't want our baby.

I do hope you stay positive and I'm sure you and your sister are able to provide plenty of love for your new little family whatever happens with the father. Good luck. I think the love YOU feel for your baby will completely wipe out your worries about this man and his family once she is born.

Just a few thoughts. Spend the next few months caring for yourself and Sophia. The situation with her father may well have moved on, changed, by the time his daughter is born. Step back for a while. Don't burn (or try to build!) any bridges at present.
He's in contact with you, even went to a scan, and has told his friends about your pregnancy. Just take it easy and don't take any action at present. Don't pressure him about his parents, he's already knows your feelings about telling them
Make the most of the good, supportive friends and relatives you have. Personally I think Sophia deserves her father's financial support, presumably this is regulated by Australian law. At some point in the future she will undoubtedly ask about her father but that is years away. Situations change, people change.
Keep her life book, memory box to answer some of her practical questions. By the time they are legally able to research their birth family most people are willing to put huge efforts into finding out who they are.
Yes, of course I would want to know I had a grandchild but that's just me!
Wishing you and your daughter a great life together whatever happens!

I HAVE AN UPDATE!

He finally told his mother. Apparently only because one of his friends told him "this is happening" and that he needed to tell his mother. (He made a point of telling me that my emails and updates on baby Sophia's scans or requests for him to tell his mother had nothing to do with it.)

She requested that she wanted to meet me, and so we went around there and I got to talk to her, and I like her. She's lovely. And she wants to know baby Sophia, and wants to be in her life.

She was trying to offer me financial help or to buy things I might need, when that is the last thing on my mind. I just wanted her to be able to be in Sophia's life, and vice versa for Sophia to be in her life. She'll be a lovely grandmother, and I think she'll love having little Sophia in her life.

What a relief.

Baby's father is still oscillating between being somewhat helpful and being in a state of semi-denial. Sigh.

I've got some dramas with baby Sophia measuring a bit small, and she may be naturally small or she may be developing growth restriction and need to come out a wee bit early. I have a scan next week to check her growth and chart it against previous scans.

However she has good blood flow and heart rate, healthy on all tests, and I have perfect blood pressure and health. So it's only that she is a wee bit small which is of minor concern, but they'll get her out early if they think she's not getting optimal nutrition and they say she'll be fine if she comes out at 32-34 weeks worst case scenario. (I'm 29 weeks at present.)

I just wanted to thank everyone on this forum who wrote. Your advice kept my patience going with the baby's father, to stay the course in the hope he would tell his mother.

I hope he bonds with Sophia when she is born, and plays a role in her life as her Dad, but it's also great to know she has a lovely grandmother too. (I've yet to meet the grandfather, but he sounds nice too.) I will try and facilitate them seeing Sophia as much as they like.

So thank you Gransnet forum posters.

x Emma

I am sorry but this 40 year old man does not seem as though he has grown up yet.
You are feeling vunerable and wanting to do the right thing by everyone, but consider yourself in all this.
As this is your first child you will be amazed at how you will change when you have this little baby in your arms and how the right thing for you and your baby will come naturally and how much stronger you will feel about what you will do.
As a grandparent I would want to know the grandchild whatever the circumstance. The child is the main priority.

I posted on the other thread! but the same good wishes go to you and your baby, hope all goes well for you in the future

So pleased you have made the connection I wish you all the best and hope everything goes well.

Just joining this conversation, but Emma, I'm so glad the dad told his mother and that she's enthusiastic about the baby! I'm a little concerned that she might be offering to pay for things cuz she's afraid her DS won't. You don't seem to feel the need for maintenance from him, but she may think he should help support his child, anyhow. Or it may just be coming from her heart. Either way, she sounds like a lovely woman and will probably be a delightful GM! How wise of you both to open your hearts to each other!

I'm sorry you have some concerns about baby Sophia. But it sounds like she's going to be ok! I join you in hoping that her dad bonds with her and is an active part of her life. But if not, she has a great mother in you, IMO!

Best wishes to you all!

If the Gran is anything like me she will want to buy things for the baby and want to spoil her. She's probably thrilled to be a Gran at last. I suspect that she'll be keen for her son to take some responsibility. All guesswork on my.part of course but, bottom line, Grans love GCs!

I echo the thoughts of Jane10. I am so pleased you like the other GM. I don't think you should refuse any financial help, after all it is a father's responsibility to contribute to his child's care. You can always open a savings account for Sophia for future use.
Good luck with the birth and future motherhood. You have years of fun ahead!

I'm so happy for you that you made contact with the gran and found her to be nice. Grans love to spoil grandchildren so just let her have her fun buying things and it will help you too. Her son does not sound as nice as his mother so please don't just think of the baby you have to think of your heart too. Please let us know when the baby is born and I hope everything goes well for you.