Needing some support

I feel like a stupid softie for hoping she gets well ONE DAY

There ARE cases where they do though and the children are returned , it is just the ''inbetween bit'' I have to manage if it happens and the ''constant'' bit if it doesn't

I think I am losing hope now because she has had nearly 2 years already with her son in care and nothing has improved , only got worse and she won't ask for help for some reason but as long as she thinks she can have her cake AND eat it I think she will continue in this 'limbo' situation so LESS contact might HELP her actually as all this is SERIOUS and she does not seem to be taking it seriously enough but I don't think she realises HOW serious it is , she thinks it's simple ''Mum gets SGO , I can see him whenever I like till I am ready to get help and then get him back'' but I can't be that BLASE about it and she could stay on that ''middle of the road'' forever which many do or some do give up but I can't see her doing that and some fight it out in court over and over even though they are NOT EVEN CLEAN which is ruddy POINTLESS but they still feel they have to put up a fight for their kids!!!

Those are the cases where the guardian is subjected to extreme stress , so I will need support all along it seems xx

I can see her constantly ''fighting for him'' or to see him more at least yet not making the changes neccessary to warrant it or HAVE him which is what she says that she wants and does 'seem' to want , yet IF she makes those changes ( properly!!! ) then I would be happy for him to be returned if he was happy with that and if it is what is best for him , he does love his Mum , hence all the emotional upset / turmoil etc but it's so * sad and DIFFICULT! I just want to do my best for him whatever that is even if I have him for life ( just don't particualrly want a life of stress from his Mum yet seems it might come with the territory of alcoholism and addiction! ) x

Its not a case of might come but does come! Alcohol and addiction in a family is intrinsically stressful!

If I lose all hope it is accepting that my daughter ( who I do love of course ) will be an alcoholic FOR LIFE and that is NOT what I want for her at ALL

It does also mean that I have to be 100% commited to having him in my care for the rest of my life and that is a HUGE thing and not how I envisaged my life turning out at all

I will do it of course but I was used to being ( and enjoyed being ) a ''team member'' who supported my daughter but she did the main care and now I will be the one NEEDING the support from others and doing the main care

Plus no one really gives you the type of support a loving Grandma would and she struggled when sober and WITH LOTS of support from me and I have to do it pretty much on my own , with some rough / tough years to come! So I have to prepare myself for that ie if she never gets better and I have him for life as my ''hope'' was keeping me going and I planned to get on a plane one day and jet off somewhere exotic and hot when I got my freedom back! lol

But that may or may not ever happen and I have to prepare myself for the 'other' eventuality of her never being well and that contact has NOTHING to do with possible reunification , which is hard for me to accept somehow as I had ( not sure if I still have but possibly do! ) hope that she would get better! x

Also if I give up all hope I may ''treat her differently''

I hope this makes sense

The guardians who say they know their daughter or son or family member will NEVER change have a different 'relationship' / set up with them than the ones who still hope or / and do actually see a huge change and then actually move on to lo/s being returned!!!

No help really, but I wanted to tell you what a huge fantastic job you are doing, and send big hugs. My plans for an exciting retirement have gone kaput too, but for different reasons.

Oh nannynoo I feel so sorry for all you have been through. Your DGS needs you and you have been there for him all along. I do hope you get some support from the SWs. You are such a great granny and so loving with your little lad I hope something positive gets resolved with these visits soon.

Ah thank you , me too , as much as I feel for his Mum it is NOT fair that lo and me suffer because of it too , or at least if we can keep the suffering to a MINIMUM ( not maximum! lol )

I have to explain to my daughter that me getting guardianship does NOT mean she can ''see him more'' as she hopes , so she is going to have a big shock soon as I / SS don't want lo to be disturbed , but SETTLED and that actually means LESS contact , not more

If she wants more contact in the future she is going to have to start by getting herself clean and I told her that today , which of course she agreed to do , but I've heard it all before and my priority is little man

He settled a bit more today but it was still TERRIBLE , he is showing behaviour of that of a 'disturbed child' and he IS disturbed by all that has happened to him , bless him ... I just rode it out as calmly as I could even though it was VERY stressful at times - I KNOW his behaviour is because of his emotions he is struggling with , bless him , but I hate to see him like this and will do all I can to protect him from it happening too regularly!!

These poor children! xx

Would trying to accept in your mind that your DD won't get better give you more strength to insist on monthly access? It will be very hard to resist her as you say she is expecting your backing for her to see your DGS on her terms whenever and she does need a shock to perhaps 'persuade' her to get help.

I do hope your SW gives you the back up and support you need.

and strengthening vibes.

If the school pick up on it I am sure it will be written in a report and I explained what has happened over the weekend in his school book

Hopefully will hear back from the SW during the week , but she knows my stance on it now and I have even tried explaining it to his Mum and told her he needs to be SETTLED , not 'disturbed'

Will also see what happens after their meeting on Friday , have a feeling my daughter will promise the world in order to ''see him more'' but she has to be long term clean before we can move anyway near the direction she is wanting right NOW!

It breaks my heart what addiction does to families but I am DETERMINED to make everything ok for my GS and give him the haven he can heal in and feel secure in and be HAPPY in!!

It has been an EXHAUSTING day and weekend! ... I am treating myself to a curry and an early night lol x

NfkDumpling whatever happens either way contact has to be reduced right NOW / FOR NOW and for however long that needs to be for! xx

To the best of my knowledge an alcaholic is never "cured", many are able to stop drinking but they would not claim to be cured.

You are doing a wonderful job nannynoo and you are right that your GS must be the priority. It must be very hard for you to see your daughter like this but, if you cannot help her, at least you can help him to have as normal a life as possible. We can all understand what you are saying, I hope the social workers will take notice.

Nannynoo you are one incredible lady!

IMO, you're a very strong, brave, wise lady, nannynoo! You have my total support! (((Hugs)))

Ahh thank you so much guys - I knew it would be tough because of his AUTISM ie meltdowns etc but this is totally different , he came to me emotionally disturbed for a while , we let that heal and he became SO happy and secure!!!

THEN THIS which I WASN'T expecting for some reason , but he is a little human being with feelings and I don't want him to feel like he is on an emotional roller coaster I want him to be SETTLED and secure , all I can do is whatever I can do to ensure that

I may have to strike a balance between suitable contact with Mum and a proper break time ( for us ) too , she WON'T be able to have her way all the time and hopefully I won't have to say no all the time either if we settle into an acceptable level of contact WHICH WORKS for little man

I have to play it by ear and strike some sort of balance , all I know is I don't want lo to suffer , it seems an alcoholic Mum / daughter is a RECIPE for suffering though and comes with the territory but I still want to PROTECT us from the stress etc as much as possible and lead as PEACEFUL a life as possible as that is what I am offering lo , peace , happiness and joy

I am not saying he doesn't enjoy his time with his Mum at all , it is just all a bit foreign to him now and he knows that she has A LOT of making up to do to heal that rift and for him to trust her again too , she is treating him like a commodity right now ie ''her property'' ''HER son'' as she keeps saying all the time , yes HER SON WHO DRINK COMES FIRST TO and she expects everything to be hunky dory and for HIM to have no HURT AND PAIN AND ANGER ABOUT IT but OBVIOUSLY HE DOES but then she blames me and says it is because he doesn't see her enough and if he saw her more he would be HAPPY ... NO he would just be more hurt and angry and disturbed when those feelings come up every time she walks away and why does she HAVE to walk away? Because of her drinking which NEEDS to be addressed if she wants the relationship with her son healed but as far as she is concerned ''there is nothing to heal'' ''he plays up coz he misses me'' and WHY does he miss you??? Because you are AWAY FROM HIM DUE TO YOUR ALCOHOLISM so how about DOING something about that??? He does not miss his drinking Mum , he used to hit her and push her away when she was drinking! He misses his WELL Mum ( and so do I ) So she thinks ahhhh he wants his Mummy back , NO , he wants his WELL Mummy back or not at all and would he want to go back and live with his ''drunk Mummy'' hell NO and she is still drunk most of the time so how can she think the 'solution' to all this is for him to see her MORE???

( Reunite with actively drinking Mummy? Have overnight stays with actively drinking Mummy even in one of her sober slots? HELL NO , yet she is pushing for unsupervised weekend stays when I wouldn't even do SUPERVISED weekend stays AT THIS STAGE! Plus mentioning holidays with him and me when I don't know what planet she is living on , she said apparently her alcoholic friend has her son for weekend overnight visits and the birth Father has an SGO and allows it , but we don't know in what context , her friend may have been clean for a good while and he possibly feels it will be of benefit to the child or simply wants a break WHO KNOWS but I will not be manipulated by ''other peoples stories'' this is about what is BEST FOR MY GS )

Alcoholism is the very thing I have to protect him from and if it means protecting him for HER at times , then so be it

All in all it is a ruddy mess but it is not of my or little mans doing! xx

And then she 'complains' if she can't get her own way and I am being the 'unreasonable' one!! lol x

I don't think alcoholism is reasonable!

But is her alcoholic friend's son autistic? Or is he older and more able to cope on his own? There are children who look after their alcoholic parents as if they're disabled (which they are), but i doubt your DGS is able t do that. How can she not see that?

I think her friends son is around 11 years old and wants to live with his Mum BUT was returned through the COURTS but she went back to drinking again so he was placed back with his Dad , it's a ruddy sad situation and the kids end up messed up in the head but I DON'T want that for my GS!!!!!!!!

He is showing the behaviour of a DISTURBED child and it BREAKS MY HEART TO SEE IT , even though he was a BIT better today and will hopefully settle down again by tomorrow I CAN'T see him contunually being put through this! ... I SIMPLY CANNOT!! x

It is getting me down to see him so sad and no one seems to care apart from ME , it hurts me when he is hurting and I want to PROTECT him form hurt but I have to ''follow their rules'' it seems WHATEVER they are and reducing contact seems to be getting blood out of a stone but it CANNOT carry on like this and I cannot carry on like this either!!

Is this ALL about HIS MUM being happy / keeping her sweet re contact or is it about the CHILD PLUS what the CARER CAN COPE WITH before she cannot take any more and they are back to square one?!! They honestly expect us to keep soldiering on but then adding more HARM on top of the GOOD so the child goes BACKWARDS NOT FORWARDS AFTER ALL THESE MONTHS OF SETTLEDNESS , SECURITY AND HAPPINESS!

Truly feel for you, and for your grandson. Like any child he needs and deserves a calm stable life, come to that so do you! Does his mother avoid going to the contact centre because she has been drinking? Presumably if her condition was obvious she wouldn't be allowed in to see the little boy. If she won't get help over her alcoholism she is unlikely to be in a position to develop any real relationship with him. Alcoholic friends are the last people she needs around her.
You clearly are a strong person but have so much to cope with, do make the best of any support available to you and to your grandson.

Hi Elrel , his Mum doesn't make it on a Saturday morning usually due to drinking the night before , she has managed to make it 3 times out of 8 but is now stepping up her efforts because she wants more contact over Christmas and overnight / weekend contact after I have guardianship and she wants to show SS she can manage contact so it can be upped in the near future , yet without any effort to get help or get into a program to stop her drinking

SS are fully aware of her alcoholism yet have still set contact at once a week and seem reluctant to change it for some reason

Ah I see what you mean , when she has been drinking she is usually in no fit state to make it TO contact let alone drive there or be let in , she has turned up under the influence before though and they suspended contact for a while as she was drinking in the toilets while there

She is managing contact at the moment as like I said she ''wants something out of them'' now and wants to be seen in a good light

I still feel she is setting herself up to fail though as it is pointless asking for more contact when she can't even manage the weekly ones and ''turning up for 2 in a row'' is not medal inducing , totally incredible progress or something but she thinks she has ''achieved loads'' now by turning up to two in a row ( with a weeks break inbetween )

I don't even know how she can even mention overnight contact while still drinking , let alone seeing him on Christmas Day as is usually drunk on Christmas morning and for the rest of the day and I don't see how drink would suddenly not come first , but I have recently smelt alcohol on her breath after contact even though she seemed ok at contact itself , so I think she also tries to ''pull the wool'' and will do or say pretty much anything to get her own way

I understand she misses him , yet not to the point of doing something about her drinking , she wants ALL GAIN BUT NO PAIN

Yet it is ok for me and lo to go through pain???

I presume the sh*t will hit the fan at some point , just hope there is no more suffering for my GS ( or me ) in the meantime! If ''it all comes out in the wash'' I hope there is a trip to the LAUNDERETTE SOON!!! lol

Have you investigated the question of does your DGS need Risperodine or Prozac medicine? It makes the world of difference to my DGS, once I had given them the other morning, in about an hour, he was a lovely calm polite and happy boy.Before giving them, he was off the wall.
They are not handed out lightly, but very controlled, and you have to see a clinical psychologist first, but depending on his behaviour, this may be a good road to go down.

Hi nannynoo, I know very little about autism but I do know quite a lot about alcoholism as my late husband was a chronic alcoholic and I struggled for 27 years with the disease. My husband never found sobriety but I eventually found the help I needed for me and my children through the wonderful organisation, Al-Anon. If you could manage to get to one of the meetings I think you would find a huge amount of support. There are meetings all over the country and you can find details on their website. Do give this some thought as I totally understand the difficulties you are going through and I think some meetings might help. They are full of thoughtful, caring people who will also understand and you may find enormous comfort from this. I certainly did.

Nanny, I think the reason no one really seems to care about what GS goes through except you is that you are now the "real mom." Your DD may be trying but she has no concept yet of what being a mother means. She can't. The alcohol won't let her. So it's like you're the mother and you are advocating for your child, even though, technically, you are "only" GM and GC.

It's good in a way that DD is trying to stay sober enough to make it to those visits. Even though she's doing it for selfish reasons, maybe it's a start. Maybe, after a while, she'll realize that she needs to do something more about her alcoholism if she wants to get LO back. I hope so.

Until she gets help though, I don't blame you for objecting to more visits or overnights, etc. You can't possibly trust her and poor GS could end up back at square one! So, I agree that she needs to be actively seeking help and maybe sober for a long stretch before she can have what she wants.

Does she even acknowledge that she's an alcoholic?

Anyway, it doesn't matter what happens with her alcoholic friend and her son. Who knows if that's even true? And as Nfk said, the circumstances may be different. Also, the dad may be a fool. But you aren't and you need to do what you feel is best for GS (and you). As someone else said, all this shows is that she's hanging out with other alcoholic friends, which isn't good (unless they're in AA or something).

I think the suggestion of AlAnon is a good one. It may help you to deal with this a lot. Hopefully, the support here helps you too. Lots of (((hugs)))

Hi nannynoo. I came across this thread by chance. My heart goes out to you. All that emotion you are carrying for your DGS, DD, and yourself, present and future. What an enormous strain, on top of the practicalities of looking after an autistic child. I too have a totally self-centred, manipulative and destructive DD who has wreaked havoc on my life (and others) and doesn't give a damn who she hurts. A couple of suggestions if I may....
Try not to think too far ahead and worry about 'losing' the rest of your life. Maybe just limit looking ahead to 3 or 6 months or whatever feels manageable.
Re SW, who is clearly not hearing your concerns or putting DGS first; ring the SW dept manager and say you want to have an informal discussion over the phone, prior to submitting a written complaint to the county/city council about what SW is getting wrong. I was advised to do this and it worked a treat. SS changed from being dead slow, getting priorities wrong and talking down to me like I was an irritating idiot. Now SS and SW are falling over themselves to get every detail right, report back to me and constantly ask if I'm happy with everything they're doing. And so polite with it! SS are terrified of complaints so this strategy is worth a try.
You are clearly a strong, loving and amazing nanny. You will get through this. Big hugs. x