Under pressure ( *quite personal and detailed* )

you are right, Wendysue. This was a dormant thread and an advertiser posted and brought it back! I hadn't realised. Hopefully things are looking better five months on.

Nannynoo, it has been a while since you posted this. How are things going?

One hopes the stigma of mental illness has long gone. Has it? No. I have had problems since the age of 14 over 50 years ago. Taken just about every anti depressant known to man. Hospitalized in the 60's for 2 years. Had ECT. I'm not any better really I've just decided not to be embarrassed by it any more and on occasions I even tell people I have mental health problems. I have BPD and bi-polar and take medications to help the symptoms. Do I care any more, no, I take a day at a time 'cos I know I'll be a long time dead.

Stay strong nannynoo
I have friend who has had major mental health problems from being a teenager lots of ECT has messed up her memory a bit and she has had some very poor treatment with medication etc. The last time she was hospitalised she was given a drug that made her almost immobile until a doctor eventually realised it might have been wrong.
She is very well at present. She has a wicked sense of humour and is totally upfront about her poor mental health. Be open about it. I hope things get better for you soon.

From your previous posts I am sure you are doing a great job looking after your grandson. If I were you I would keep the descriptions of your depressive illness and escapades fighting bed bugs brief. Don't rattle on as you have done to us lot above but try and be succinct! Be confident in your abilities and I wish you well.

Nannynoo to me your are a wonderwoman!
I consider my self a strong person (just a bit anxious) but I would have struggled to over come bed bugs etc single handed.
You are Lioness looking after her 'little man cub'.
I believe if you take on board what the lovely GNers advise and your determination, You will win through.
LOVE will triumph over everything else.
How lucky your little man is to have wonderful grandmother like you!

The most important thing is for you to be honest - the worst possible scenario would be covering stuff up and then having it found out later!

Many many people have periods of mental health problems throughout their life - and this will include social workers too!

My Dad used to say to me when I was going to sing on stage, that if I made a mistake I must do it with panache! - and he was quite right. As long as you are sure in your heart that the problems you had are now behind you and that you are currently fit to care for your GS (which is the most important to you, I know) , then you can tell people about the past problems in a positive and confident manner, stressing the steps you took to overcome these.

Another thing that is worth mentioning is that you have taken on a difficult task and there will be times when you might need some help. Please do not be afraid to ask for this because you fear appearing weak or not coping.

I know on the face of it, it doesn't look too good but surely it's a very positive thing that you have dealt with it and come out a strong person. You have all the experience of it behind you so now you know how to cope in a better way should you have any traumas again. I know it's hard but try to think positively. I hope everything works out for you.

Twice !

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Huge hugs, nannyoo! So sorry that the past has been dredged up, this way, and that you're concerned it may be used against you in relation to GS. Good to see you're feeling better now though.

I agree with the "accentuate the positive" idea. Focus on the fact that you've overcome great struggles - and that you, yourself, set out to overcome them, nobody had to ask/tell you to do so.

In the end, I'm sure the SW and assessor will understand that you've had your bad times - who hasn't? - and appreciate what a strong person you are.

As for prayers, yes, I'm praying that all will work out for you and GS.

I think the bad memories that are coming back are a sure sign of stress. The same thing has happened to me when I've been under a lot of strain - things I hadn't thought of for years.

In the past you have shown that you could take control of your depression and seek the treatment you needed. This has helped to make you the strong person you are today, It has taken great strength of character to fight for your little grandson as you have. Remember this and, as Grannyknot says accentuate the positive

You are right I mustn't be too hard on myself as I am not 'Superwoman' or 'Wonderwoman' just a normal human being

Am resting up , Mum came to contact and had a lovely time with little man but he wasn't feeling well unfortunately and was ill today suddenly , it seems possibly viral as he has a bit of a temperature and had a little sleep when he got in which he NEVER does as is ''all go'' usually! lol

So I am encouraging him to drink plenty of fluids and gave him a light lunch and dinner and he is still being his cheeky self so that is a GOOD sign lol

Am feeling much better today , not 100% but getting there , been dreaming about ''men'' LOL which raking up stuff about past boyfriends has possibly done I reckon as I have not got an agenda or the energy for a relationship right now , yet it is only human as well I suppose but it has 'triggered' stuff which I have to put to bed again and then carry on as normal

I have been through other tough bits of this process and come out on top so am going to just keep going FORWARDS and onwards and UPWARDS till , yes I get to the top of that mountain again and whoop for joy!!!

There are emotional journeys of the soul which are much tougher in their own way than PHYSICALLY climbing a mountain which I couldn't do right now but the important stuff happens WITHIN and those inner struggles and battles and coming through them means we should be EVERY bit as proud if not more proud than someone who has done a marathon or climbed an actual mountain as it is ''tough work'' but the REWARDS are great xxx

Nannynoo. I think we all have regrets about things that have happened in the past whether to us or by us. I sometimes have dreams of past things that leave me feeling out of sorts or anxious so you are not the only one.

What you are trying to do with your life and for your grandson is a good thing. We are all rooting for you. Someone once told me that "loving thy neighbour" also meant loving yourself and not being too hard on yourself over things you regret. ((Huggs))

Yes, the last two posts are correct, and SW are not really expecting anyone's life not to have had low points.That was in the past. mentally bag up all your past cares, tie the black bag firmly and toss in the bin.Now is what matters.
Try and have a good weekend.

Hopefully the SW will look at how well you've dealt with all your issues and realise how strong you must be to have come through everything so well.

If the sw who did the initial assessment didn't ask about your medical history, that's a pity because it would have given you the chance to talk about tough times you'd survived well in the past.
Try not to worry or over think nannynoo. Many adopters/foster carers/family carers will have suffered anxiety, depression or other mental health problems in the past. It's part of life isn't it. The most important thing is that your grandson is loved, cared for and part of his family.

nannynoo big hug it isnt the big things that do for us ...I always think straw and the camels back......depression is the curse of the strong you fight your battles but in all battles there is retreat for regrouping and strategy that is all you have done you earned your rest and recouperationxxxxx

nanny . Your situation brings an old song to mind:

"You've got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, hang on to the affirmative, and don't mess with Mr Inbetween".

m.youtube.com/?gl=GB&hl=en-GB#/watch?v=69q3dVQYqLw

You've climbed mountains before, and stood at the top.

Warm wishes. x

It feels like such a big ''slur'' against me that I have a big mountain to climb now!!!

Anya it has helped SOOOOO much to get it off my chest , thank you!!

No I was about 34 and the rejection after a failed relationship ''triggered'' all my 'old stuff' I had literally bottled up and swept under the carpet for YEARS but I always say thank God for that guy dumping me because that was the start of what actually TURNED MY LIFE AROUND and got rid of my baggage

I hope I have a chance to get all this across as it is frustrating just having 'facts' written down about me when the WHOLE TRUTH is the WHOLE picture which they haven't seen as yet but I HOPE they do

I have written 'some stuff' to the assessor but I am hoping / maybe will ask her if we can talk about it all face to face so that all the facts around it all are FULLY put across and I may have a chance to explain at panel but I don't want it to end up being a huge exhausting interrogation I'd rather they had the 'full picture' already in front of them and then me just confirm things

The assessor lady is going to come round to read through the report soon so I imagine I can still ADD bits or clarify bits FULLY to my satisfaction as I don't want a half baked picture but the FULL one which in context doesn't look too bad , so thanks for the chance to share , it has made me realise I do need to fully express what went on AROUND those 'incidents' not just the fact that it happened but WHY and what I learnt from it and how ''human'' I am in it ie we all have our breaking point or point of not being able to take it any more but then we get some help and recover and keep going forwards!! x

The hardest thing I am dealing with now is that having all this old stuff raked up has made it ''current'' in my mind so I am feeling like it is happening again or am ''in it'' again , it has definitely been a REMINDER of all the past times I had ''put to bed'' and now it is all ''out of bed'' again and doing a merry dance in me ...

EVERYTHING is brought up about your past , your childhood , relationship with parents , current relationship with parents , past boyfriends and past medical issues eg periods of depression and it makes it all REAL in your mind again and I have recently been thinking about boyfriends I had literally FORGOTTEN about but it's brought it all up in my mind again and become real and ''current'' feelings wise rather than in the past ( it's funny what triggered memories can do )

Plus then I dreamt about my Mum recently which I haven't done in AGES and emotionally it's been HARD because it is like I am RELIVING IT ALL AGAIN!!! And FEELING it all again , and it's ROTTEN to have to feel it all again , all at once even and just work my way through it and get through it somehow

However much I tell myself it is in the PAST , because it has all been raked up and a lot of different things at once my emotions have been triggered with the memories like I said which are fresh in my mind now , not 'old' even though they are old memories they have become 'new' again

So that is what I am dealing with right now along with the worry of the above stuff and other stuff affecting my assessment negatively and I think the new medical info has just made the assessors job HARDER hence her reaction to me , but it's hard not to be treated the same as before so I hope we get back on a good , even , POSITIVE keel like before as it's like the 'positivity' has gone and the 'negative stuff' has taken over now

Am just going to rest up and relax over the weekend , after contact tomorrow , if it goes ahead , just a real recouperate myself weekend and chill and relax and have fun with little man is on the cards as I really do want to return to normal despite everything and how 'negative' it may SEEM there IS still great hope for a positive and good outcome and it just isn't an EASY process by far but it's all worth it for lo xxx

Yes, you are a fighter nannynoo and you won't let things happened all that time ago affect what you are doing now.

You know that's over and done with and you simply tell others that too. I don't know your age, but was it possible that this bad hospitalisation time also coincided with you going through, or approaching, menopause?

I hope that writing all that down has helped get it off your chest?